"Winnebago... Mmmm... I'm Lovin' It!! Just... ugh..."
"Have you ever been touched by another Winnebago? Would you like to? Gross..."
"Kick people like never before with Winnebago's guide to Martial Arts. Hmm... violent..."
"Winnebago stole my baby!! LIAR!! I borrowed it!!"
"Get these motherfuckin' snakes, out of my motherfuckin' Winnebago!! Best quote ever."
Love is a fickle mistress, both literally and figuratively. No matter what you do, your partner is always going to suggest you do something else as well as what you did in the first place. For example...
You get a new car - She expects you to work out
You get ripped - She expects you to dress snappily
You dress snappily - She expects for you to do more around the house
You do more around the house - She gets into your face and yells 'YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG YOU USELESS PRICK!!' and then walks off in a huff expecting ten pairs of high heels when she gets home
She returns home - She finds a note saying. 'I'm done, find someone else to run your chores. Don't you worry about throwing my stuff out, I've already taken it.'
She freaks out and fires text after text about how she is so sorry and how she needs your wide screen TV to survive - You ignore it while reaming her 'best friend'
It makes you wonder why you do it in the first place, trying to please a lady who obviously is using you for her own social standing within her group of 'girlfriends'. Oh I forgot, you haven't had sex in two years and you were oh so close to getting that fabled handjob that her ex-boyfriends miss so much. So much so that they still hit her up on Facebook, Twitter, Hi5, MySpace, Tout and the Nascar forums section under the guise of 'friends who both like Jimmie Johnson'.
Fuck that noise.
Nobody likes Jimmie Johnson!!
I'm too much of a jealous Winnebago to let any Hyundai Getz anywhere near those jock asshole Chevrolet Impalas. Instead, I look at porn. They don't ask anything of me and I don't even need to dress up or even wash to spill some excess brake fluid. And it's FREE!!
My last ex-girlfriend didn't know who Bugs Bunny was. Dealbreaker!
Like myself, John Cena apparently mustered up all of his willpower to rise above the hate and split from his respective missus. Canadian or not, she had to go because of 'irreconcilable differences'. My mother has had three divorces due to 'irreconcilable differences'. Ronda Rousey spits in the face of 'irreconcilable differences' and then proceeds to break its arm. Twice. Those two words mean nothing to an upstanding citizen like I am, so I decided to delve deeper and asked the frequent visitors of the Lords of Pain column forums this simple question.
Why Did John Cena Divorce Elizabeth Huberdeau?
These are your Top Ten responses. Unedited.
#10 - Subho says: "Cena would refuse to open his t-shirt, even during sex. Liz was sick and tired of those seizure inducing colors."
The only time Cena would take off his shirt is when he gets ready to fight in the ring and it wouldn't be surprising that Elizabeth would have gotten annoyed with that. But I think that the bright colored shirts might go beyond the frustrations in the bedroom. The Rock took particular exception to John Cena's brightly colored shirts. Perhaps we can give Randy Orton an excuse for attacking 'a random fan that just so happened to be John Cena's father' due to nightmares he had over John Cena's bright green shirt. Edge seemed even more pissed off whenever Cena made an entrance. Perhaps the brightly colored shirts subliminally instilled an anger like no other towards the Doctor of Thuganomics.
That would even explain why half the audience jeer at Cena every time they saw him. The other half are color blind. Insightful.
#9 - thespyderboy says: "During a routine trip to the doctor, it was discovered that Cena is actually a talking gorilla. Apparently the doctor's thumb was obscuring every X-ray, preventing this knowledge from being discovered. As beastiality is illegal in most states, a divorce was inevitable."
How did Cena escape his cage? Beat unbeatable odds?
The fact is he was trained to do so with a Silverback mentality of kill or be killed. It all started when he was only a child, fighting off eagles to protect his clan. For when he finally left the forests of Massachusettes, he had lost his fur due to the poisonous effects of Bill Clinton's extramarital activities with Monica. It wouldn't have been hard for him to be mistaken for quite the handsome man, especially when Elizabeth was still blind drunk from the kegger she just departed from of which the drunken effects were felt for the next 2 and a half days. But that is how it all started, she had no clue Cena was an ape while Cena slowly and surely became more charismatic and more in tune with the English dialect. All the while he kept on fighting off and killing bald eagles to keep in tremendous shape.
#8 - RantingRandall says: "Cena's wife left, because she couldn't see him."
Since Cena is now doing various duties that take up a lot of time (including but not limited to; Make-a-Wish Wishgiver, Wrestler, Promoter, Wedding Singer, Personal Assistant, Weight Trainer, Alberto Del Rio carrier, Big Show slammer, Talker, Bella Pleasurer and Part-Time Rapper), it was only inevitable that Cena would push other non-important things to the side. Elizabeth took exception to that.
#7 - Oliver says: "As for why Cena left his wife, it was pretty simple - her time was up, his time was now."
If you would like to refer to the beginning of this column, you will see that whenever you are in a relationship, it will ALWAYS be about the lady. And when the relationship doesn't revolve around her, then she will conjure up some cunning plan that will only backfire in her face when the male finds out about it. She lied about how her $4000 gold watch went missing and proceeded to become hysterical about it. Cena found it later in a pawn shop with the identifying inscription he had scribed into the back of the watch face. When he confronted her about it she went quiet.
"Time to get the divorce papers" - to the tune of Triple H's time to play the game.
#6 - Smart_Mark says: "He caught her eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes while wearing a 'Cena Sucks' shirt."
His issue wasn't with the 'Cena Sucks' t-shirt as he would readily admit his prowess on going down on other men. His issue was with Elizabeth eating the ceramic bowl that contained the Frosted Flakes in the first place. The bowl was a Cena family heirloom that had been passed down from Cena's great grandfather Nate Cena who was a part of the Apartheid in South Africa and was jailed for 20 years, before leading a revolution in creating equality between the whites and blacks within South Africa.
Nate Cena passed away late last year and was beloved worldwide.
#5 - Subho says: "The whole marriage was a farce, just to dispense half of Cena's property."
There is a popular saying that goes like this: you can never have too much stuff.
Unfortunately that is not the case as most rich people finally realize, oftentimes too late. Cena was a lucky one who had an early detection from his doctor. The term 'bling' had been used as slang during the golden age of R&B and more often during the early days of underground rap, but Cena found himself hoarding this 'bling' for far too long and it was good that his 'bling' was then reduced to a more acceptable 'lavish' with the divorce of Elizabeth.
#4 - kingzak says: "Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan got Cena and Nikki drunk one evening in February 2012. Cena couldn't stop thinking about the night with Nikki, it even began to distract him during his work and would cost him the match against The Rock at WM28. After the show ended Cena rushed backstage and confessed his feeling for Nikki and would soon divorce Liz so they could be together."
Alcohol makes you do crazy things. I remember one time at band camp... It was rather hazy after that.
Poor Liz was an unfortunate victim of the two-step shuffle as Cena upgraded (highly debatable) from Huberdeau to the Bella who has breast implants. Bigger breasts are not always better however in my personal opinion. I usually go with something along the lines of a C cup, D cup max. Breasts are made for groping, not sleeping on.
#3 - T.O. says: "Cena's wife left him because of his strong reliance on using the five knuckle shuffle. Works in the ring to an extent, but bring that sumbitch home and you have problems. I suppose a Five Moves of Doom cheap shot could also be in order, if one were so inclined."
Domestic violence is not an issue that should be made fun of.
Rihanna had it coming to her though because she couldn't pronounce umbrella properly.
Ey ey ey.
#2 - thespyderboy says: "Cena's home planet called and threatened to kill either Elizabeth or all of Earth. Unwilling to lose either his love or his adopted planet, Cena ate his vitamins, fueled up his rocketship, and flew home where he fought his entire home planet to a stalemate, as neither was willing to give up. Since fisticuffs couldn't resolve the situation, they agreed to a treaty whereupon the high school sweethearts would simply divorce."
This is not the Cena I know because he doesn't give up and never quits. His home planet 'Swam' (Single Whitewomen who Adore Muscles) came down with a vengence on John Cena and Ezekiel Jackson. Unfortunately Ezekiel Jackson was the victim of an ambush and was unable to make the count of ten, rendering him useless and redundant. The former ECW champion was torn limb from limb by 'Maneater' Nelly Furtado, before he was whisked away to Canada for their version of Burning Man. However Jackson froze to death on the way there, not helped by the blood loss from loss of limbs.
And as you say 'you can't burn an ice block'. Unless you are Charizard. That thing does wonders against ice types.
Cena used his skills in 'The Marine' to hide himself in the ladies locker room. Pervert.
#1 - anonymous says: "Because, whilst wrestling Mark Henry, Cena felt Henry's penis and felt inadequate. His penis envy became an obsession and Cena was then caught pleasuring Mark, whilst wearing Elizabeth's underwear."
John Cena has always been known as a strong man at heart. However when it came to cock push ups, Henry had the world by the superman-esque grip of his balls. Once Cena felt up the muscular shaft while attempting a scoop slam, it would be hard not to be converted into a ditzy white girl who tries to twerk but can't but she tries anyway. His new name 'Jessie New Jersey' had attracted the Sexual Chocolate into calling Cena over and showing him first hand what a love muscle is supposed to look like.
Cena has never looked b(l)ack.
So there you have it. I can safely say that I am still as misinformed as before, but at least I know some Canadian lady is in need of support from someone who is calm and balanced. Like a latin guy with a ponytail who knows how to say the right things. And plays the guitar. I know of a good taco place Liz. I love tacos. Even if it has already been raided by SuperCena.
Come around next episode when we will reveal one of wrestling's biggest mysteries to date...
What is an interesting fact about Alberto Del Rio?
As always, you can either answer via Personal Message to myself, or in the comments below.
Post as many answers as you like to increase your chances of getting on the top ten!!
Just remember to keep it short and don't take it seriously.
This was The Power of Opinion; where logistics meets amazing...
Seriously, are we ending with that??
You suckers thought I was done there? You thought wrong!! You thought number one wouldn't get a prize? You naive fools!!
The Power of Opinion: Hall Of Fame
(Dates are in Australian)
Quite the exclusive list if I do say so myself. Do you want in? Then you had better start commenting!!
Editorial: I know we all had fun here, but I would like to apologize for my comments about Canadian women, especially ones who have recently been divorced. Canadian women are amongst the most beautiful and talented women throughout the world and deserve respect from their male counterparts. To show your support go to www.canadianexwives.com and follow the links to give them the support they truly need. Just remember, when we are all in our deathbeds, we will regret not helping them when their time is at most dire. Please don't forget about the Canadian women.