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Thread: Chair Shots Presents: DOA 2018 (ROUND TWO)

  1. #1

    Chair Shots Presents: DOA 2018 (ROUND TWO)

    Angle sat weeping in the corner, rocking back and forth like a little child who had been punished for drawing on the walls. With little hope remaining, Bryan had spoken little over the past hour or so, instead opting to think of happier things; his wife Brie and young daughter Birdie Joe. He hoped to see them again soon. He hoped they'd wash this filth from his soul, but in the back of his mind he knew it would always be with him. And while they both fell, William Regal gleefully embraced what was happening. While they tried to find a way out of it, Regal prepped his teams for what lie ahead. Hell, he himself had died on this island, but much like wrestling nothing really sticks here. He was biding his time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to drop that little nugget on Angle. Regal was sure the little veins on his forehead would just explode from hearing that.

    The Master Program came on line. It was time to continue the carnage. 12 teams arrived on DOA Island, but only six remain. It was time for the second round of battle. It was time to continue....

    With three encounters in the second round, William Regal's NXT would face the two remaining Raw teams, and Daniel Bryan's lone Smackdown team, the surprising Breezango. The program had calculated Breezango's odds being perhaps the worst in the entire tournament, but somehow they had survived. They will live another day as well, for today Kurt Angle must put his Raw Tag Team Champions into the fray once again.




    The tall man sat in the lotus position writing with one finger in the sand as he looked down at his one armed companion who lay sleeping next to him. Beside them a vast ocean stretched out to the horizon, the night sky and stars reflected in it as it silently lapped at the edge of the desert.

    Aleister Black looked down at his partner, peacefully sleeping. This time in the desert had no doubt bought them close but had they spent too long in this hell hole? They had made short work of their prey but the trek to get there had cost Dream his arm and most of their supplies. Black knew they needed to head towards the lights he could see off in the distance at the far end of the beach that stretched out before them. There may be other fighters there but food and water had become equally important to their survival.


    Dream and Black rose early in the morning. As the eastern sun rose over the ocean they washed off the remnants of the battle from the day before. Dream eagerly recounted his exploits with Black but the older man was less keen to relive the devastation they had wreaked on Titus Worldwide. He did not like the trio one bit but it did not mean he wanted to glory in their demise at his hands. Truth be told, Black knew there were far scarier monsters lurking on this island and was already stealing himself for the next fight.

    After cleaning off the pair sat down next to one another waiting for the sun to dry them off.

    “So who do you think will be next?” Dream asked.

    “I don’t know but we need to be on our guard, we have been out here in the desert longer than I would have liked. There may already be other teams hunting for us.” As if to emphasise the point Black stood up tall and scanned the horizon, eyes burning with an intensity that never seemed to leave them completely.

    Dream looked down at the piece of wood fashioned into a sharp spike that now occupied the place where his right arm had once been. A dull ache was a constant reminder of what had happened but he marveled that he could move this stake at all. He rubbed his shoulder where the wood had been melded with his flesh, he would never have traded his arm in for it but the spike at the end had proved a very effective weapon in their fight with Titus Worldwide. As much as it ached, he itched for a second chance to test it out.

    “I wonder who is left? I never liked the way The Revival used to boss everyone around backstage, you weren’t there when they were but they were such fucking dicks. I like to give them a chance to make them remember my name.”

    Black fixed his companion with a stare.

    “They will have their time my friend.”

    What about The Usos? How do you think we’d go against the Smackdown Champs. I reckon we could take them.

    Aleister furrowed his brow, his eyes burning again, “Patience. We will see who we find.”

    “Ok……. right.”

    Dream never quite knew what to make of Black. After what they had been through in the desert he trusted him with everything but he still couldn’t read what he was thinking. It didn’t matter though, for all Regal’s warnings about the dangers of the island Dream knew this was the moment that he would establish his legacy on.

    It felt a lifetime ago now but he could still remember the barbs of rejection when he lost on that reality show, beaten by a bunch of try hards who never ended up even wrestling in a WWE ring. He remembered the vow he took when he cast aside the reject, Patrick Clark and embraced The Velveteen Dream. He had vowed to do anything to be remembered and in the first months in NXT he had had started his journey to greatness. On the island though, with teams from Raw and Smackdown, this was his chance to do something no one could ever forget. There had been danger in making Aleister Black his first target in NXT but that had paid off. There would be pain and sacrifice on this island too but all of it would be worth it to get the respect he deserved.

    Black had started to put his pants on, “We leave soon.”

    “Where are we off to boss?”

    “There is a hut at the end of the beach, over there.” Black pointed south and Dream strained his eyes to see off into the distance.

    “About a day’s walk. There might be supplies.” Black looked at Dream and his face softened, “Might even have some clean bandages for your arm.”


    The companions dressed and began the walk south along the island’s coastline, above them the sun slowly traced an arc across the sky. They stopped only briefly at noon and as the sun began to set in the evening they made camp only a kilometer from the beach hut. As they settled down the pair began to argue, the younger was pointing directly at the lights while the older man gestured down at the ground they stood on. It seemed that the older man won the argument.

    As the dusk turned to night they lit no fire, ate small portions of rations and shared a water bottle. Soon after they settled down, the older man sat motionless, with his eyes closed in the lotus position while the younger took the watch, alternating between sitting and pacing. As the night wore on he approached his companion, waving and clicking in front of his face before slipping off into the night making his way towards the beach hut.


    Sheamus and Cesaro settled down at their usual table with two cold beers and a tin of beans they had pulled out of the pantry. Neither could remember exactly how many days they had been at the beachfront shack they had stumbled on the day after their first victory but it certainly topped any other time they had been on the island. When they first go their they were far more on edge, always keeping someone on guard and checking the perimeter constantly. However by now, a few weeks into their stay, they had settled down into a regular routine, wake up late, swim, workout, do a quick check of the surrounds and settle down it the afternoon at the shack with food and drink.

    That evening the a new moon gave very little natural light so the stars shon extra bright over the ocean. They sat on the verandah of the three walled bar that opened out to the beach.

    ““Eee Sheamus, this isn’t too bad is it?” Cesaro proclaimed he handed over a cold pint.

    “Tony, this is what I call an island holiday.”

    Sheamus lazily flicked a dart at the dart board on the wall hitting a double 3.

    “Truth or dare Tony?”


    “You were on the indies for a while, what’s ya number?”

    “I’m a gentleman thanks Sheamus and will not be revealing that number to you or anyone else.”

    “So there is one laddy?” Sheamus raised his eyebrows.

    “Ok, 18 but only because with a hair cut like yours living through me is the best you’re gona be able to do.”

    The two laughed and returned to their drinks, downing what was left in their glasses. Suddenly though Sheamus sat upright, “Tony, did you hear that?”


    Sheamus nodded over to the window in the side of the shack, stood up and carefully walked over to the window. His hand very deliberately slipped down to the hilt of the knife on his belt and he pulled the long jagged blade out of its sheath. The jungle that ran up to the window was as dark as ever, but the Celtic Warrior was sure he had heard something, his eyes strained against the darkness of the new moon night.

    “Must’a imagined it.”

    He slipped his knife away and turned away but the minute he turned his back a dark figure with a wooden stake for an arm sprung up and wrapped his real arm around Sheamus’ neck. At the last minute the irishman dodged the assaulters attempt to run his stake through his back and trapped the wooden instrument between his arm and body.


    The Velveteen Dream struggled against the larger irishman, jumping through the window, wrapping his legs around his foe and sinking his choke hold in with his left hand.

    Sheamus flung himself forward in an attempt to toss Dream off but Dream’s locked legs held him true. As Dream tried to wrench his wooden arm free, Sheamus threw himself back first aginast a hardwood post holding up the roof. The entire hut shook and the sound of cracking ribs pierced the night as the giant Irishman crushed Dream up against the post a second time and finally the young man fell off, falling to the floor and coughing up blood.

    Sheamus rolled away and Dream sprung up cat-like hobbled over but surveying the situation.

    Straight away though Cesaro was onto him, throwing his whole body into a flying uppercut that Dream just managed to dodge. The flying Swiss man clattered into the same pole Dream had just crashed up against. Cesaro attempted to roll out of the way as Dream lunged forward with his wooden spiked catching his foe and lodging the stake through the fleshy center of Cesaro’s left hand.

    Cesaro’s eyes bulged and he bit down on his lip as blood spurted out of his hand. “FFUUUUCCCKKK!”

    Dream pulled his wooden arm back and readied himself to strike a second time but did not see Cesaro’s partner running up behind him, glass bottle in hand.

    Sheamus smashed the glass against the side of Dream’s head, sending the youngster reeling across the room, blood and glass flying in his wake. Sheamus followed the rookie through, grabbed the back of Dream’s head and pounded it into the bar top.

    Dream’s eyes rolled back into his head with the impact, as consciousness slowly left his body.

    On the other side of the room Cesaro pulled himself to his feet, holding his left hand in his right to try to stem the bleeding.

    “Where is the other one Sheamus?” he said looking around and running to the open front of the bar gazing out into the night. “There has to be a second.”

    “Do ya see anything out there?”

    Cesaro strained against the darkness, could he see something by the forest? No it was nothing more than the wind in the trees and the waves lapping at the shore.

    “Nope, nothing. He must be alone for some reason.”

    A sick smile crossed the Irishman’s face inside and he casually slammed Dream’s already bloody face into the countertop for a second time, “This fella’s here all alone, what’s say we have a little fun Tony? It’s been a while since we saw any action, might need a tune up.”

    Cesaro came in wrapping his shirt around his bloody hand, “I’ll fetch some ropes.”


    Aleister Black woke suddenly, his meditation had been deep. Focus on clearing his mind before combat was essential to help him keep his head in the chaos of battle. In his mind he could plan for any eventuality and visualise a thousand ways to win,

    As his eyes cleared he began to notice he was alone and the clarity of just moments before fell away as anxiety started to grip him. Dream was gone.

    Once they had got close enough to the beach hut to see it was occupied they had argued. Dream wanted to take the lead and go in straight away, Black had wanted to observe for a day before a stealth approach. Black thought he had won but Dream had obviously been playing a different game. He saw a set of footprints in the wet sand leading down the beach. There was nowhere else he could have gone

    Black sprung to his feet, strapped the knife Regal had given him to his waist and took off, running to towards the beach hut.

    He was still here on the island so he knew Dream was still alive but he didn’t know for how long that would be the case. The team at the hut could not have lasted twenty days without having already drawn blood and as much as Black had loved seeing Dream in action against Titus Worldwide he realised now that the easy victory had made his younger companion reckless.

    As Black sprinted towards the light, clinging to the dark edge of the jungle, thousands of scenarios flashed through his mind. He tried to clear his mind as he had before to ready himself for the potential coming combat but a rage from deep down kept rising up blocking off his focus. He could see Dream clearly sleeping so peacefully just one night ago, fresh from victory, on the edge of the desert they had battled through together. No one could take Dream from him, he didn’t even care so much about surviving this island as he did about protecting his young protege.


    Velveteen Dream came to with a jolt, cold water dripped from his hair that now hung limp over his eyes. He struggled to breathe through his nose which was most likely broken and as he flicked his hair out of his eyes he noticed the throbbing of his head. His face felt deformed and he could taste blood in his gagged mouth. He struggled to stand from the seat before realising he was tied down and couldn’t budge. As his eyes cleared he saw the unmistakable silhouette of The Bar, Sheamus with a now empty bucket of water and his partner in crime Cesaro.

    Immediately his thoughts went to Black. He had let them down again, just as he’d nearly done in the desert. At least then it was only an insect bite but how would he ever get out of this? He should never have tried to take the lead, he should have listened to the guy who had never let him down. But he wanted to prove himself, prove he wasn’t a follower. FUCK. How could he get out of here? How could he survive this?

    Dream didn’t have long to think as a dart sailed straight past his head and lodged itself in the wall behind him.

    “That’s a miss Tony. DRINK!” In front of him Cesaro picked up a pint and took a swig, “My turn.”

    Sheamus picked up a dart and lobbed it at Dream’s neck, Dream moved his head to the right to dodge it but the dart instead pierced he left trap, a hot pain shot through his shoulder and up his neck. “FFFUUURRRRKKKK!” he exclaimed as he choked on the gag in his mouth.

    Sheamus sidled up to him, and grabbed the dart, pushing it further into his muscle. “Thought you could get the jump on us did ya fella?” He jiggled the dart around and Dream’s eyes bulged.

    Cesaro walked over too and slapped Dream in the face. “You have a lot to learn before you conquer the island young man. When we are ready we are going to finish you off and take out this competition...”

    Sheamus pulled the dart out of Dream’s shoulder and stood up straight, arrogance on his face next to Cesaro.

    “....Because we don’t just set the bar.” Sheamus joined in but missed seeing the dark figure slip into the hut behind them.

    “We are The BAAAAAEEEEEAARRRRRRRRR!” Black lept from the shadows and drew a line across the Irishman’s neck with his knife. In one fluid movement he grabbed Sheamus’s hair and pulled back his head, exposing the carotid artery and showering Dream with blood.

    Black immediately moved onto Cesaro who had barely turned to face the second man before the same bloody knife was thrust through Cesaro’s chest, blood erupting from his left breast as he and his now fallen partner burst into thousands of pixels.

    Dream watched, blood dripping down his broken face but he was alive, he had survived, he had been saved. Dream shook his head hard, loosening the gag he had in his mouth. “I’m so sorr...”

    “NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!” Black exploded, slapping Dream across the face. “What the fuck you were thinking? You nearly got yourself killed.” Black backhanded Dream again, making no motion to untie his teammate.

    “I thought I could take them by myself”

    “Don’t you fucking understand this is about more than just you?”

    Dream had never seen Black like this, he had fire in his eyes where normally there was only ice.

    “Aleister, chill, we are fine. It’s gonna be ok”

    Black took a deep breathe and swallowed, he had let his emotions get the better of him. He knelt down and started to undo Dream’s bindings.

    “No, I was worried about you, I….. I……” He stumbled on his words. The frantic dash, the storm of emotions he felt when he saw Dream bound and gagged, the plaything of the two men he killed. It was clear now how much Dream meant to him but he knew he couldn’t put their fight in jeopardy.

    He undid the gag that was in Dream’s mouth and looked his partner in the eyes. He knew what he wanted to say.

    “I…….. just wanted you to be safe.”


  2. #2
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Bravo, Sam, you took on the elements of the first round stories beautifully here. Though I prefer The Bar as an actual team, it was Black Velvet who deserved to have their story continue. I was extremely worried for a moment about what the Bar was thinking when they knocked out the Dream... thankfully you didn't go there, that would have been a bit dark even for DOA.

    I hope this story has a deserving ending, reminds me of JWG doing beautiful things with the Rusev/Lana relationship a year or two back.

    Great stuff here, I fucking love DOA!

  3. #3
    Regal smiled gleefully as at least one of his teams would make it to the finals of DOA, and a rather surprising one at that. He had paired Aleister Black and Velveteen Dream together out of mutual respect. Some of the other NXT teams weren't especially happy about being passed over. The Iconic Duo in particular were furious at him, but he knew Billie and Peyton would never survive this place. The minute a hair got out of place or their makeup got smudged they'd be furious. No, Dream and Black were meant to be partners, as their matches last year proved. And with the elimination of The Bar, there were no longer any champions in play.

    "How did they lose? Cesaro and Sheamus have literally beaten every team on the Raw roster, and they get defeated by two guys who've never teamed before in their lives. This is insanity."

    "Sit down Kurt, you've still got one more team in play. I'm down to my last shot, and its in the hands of Fandango and Tyler Breeze of all people."




    The Truth Is Out There...

    “The Jungle? Ugggo! Why would they have us go to this tacky place? If I see anyone in leopard print I swear to Versace I will arrest them on the spot, and say screw this tournament.”

    Fandango looked around and realized his partner, Tyler Breeze, was nowhere to be seen. “huh”, Fandango thought out loud, “He knew the Uso’s were also on the island, Tyler must be trying to solve the day 1 is ‘H’ mystery again. Guess I’ll just have to meet him there…”

    Fandango used the tracking device given to him by a DOA drone to find a specific location in the jungle that would be the site of Breezango’s 2nd round battle. Apparently there was a 7th environment- a sub environment tucked away deep in the jungle. The people in charge of DOA sent a message with the drone that an example needed to be made this time around, as the previous incarnation of the tournament apparently went a bit off the rails...

    Fandango trudged through the stifling heat to get there. The heat was frizzing his hair out which he was none too pleased about, but he figured it would all be worth it after he and Tyler won this round, and finally got out of this “gross, lame jungle”.

    “It’s not looking good, Dain, your eyeball is ruined”, EY bellowed, while holding/poking the damaged peeper in his hand as it remained connected to the optic nerve in Dain’s head. “Maybe if they’re gonna bring Wolfe back to life then they can repair this too”.

    Dain slung the lifeless corpse of Alexander Wolfe over his shoulder and began to walk as EY quickly draped the eye over Dain’s other shoulder. The DOA drone that dropped off the tracking device to lead them to their 2nd round location also mentioned that they needed to bring Wolfe’s body with them, bringing a whole new meaning to members of a team carrying dead weight.

    EY noticed the rough shape Nikki and Dain were in after the first round, and stated that he would be one of the members of this upcoming round, as one of the other two of them needed to rest up to get ready for round 3. With any hope, EY thought to himself, a rested and healed Nikki or Dain, and a revived Wolfe would be exactly what they needed along with the guidance of EY to win this tournament. And then the Island would be theirs.

    Despite the grim visual of his teams current state, EY grinned as they drew closer to their future...

    As Fandango approached the destination, he noticed a broken down open stadium from days long gone, like you’d see scattered throughout parts of Rome present day. The stadium from the outside was mostly rubble, with vines growing throughout, as if mother nature was slowly claiming the old stadium for herself. “They really rolled out the red carpet for us” Fandango said sarcastically, as he looked around for Tyler Breeze, but the only living being he saw was some old janitor guy sweeping the grounds outside of the stadium.

    “Tyler! Where are you?” Fandango whisper-yelled in his raspy tone, as he was starting to worry about his chances against the boorish, poorly dressed team of Sanity all by himself, when the janitor casually backed up close to Fandango while sweeping the jungle floor and whispered over his shoulder, “pssssssst. Fanny, it’s me, Tyler.”

    “Tyler! You get me every time with that disguise, you are a true master! Also, do not call me fanny, I’m not even wearing those chaps anymore, are you still wearing yours under that outfit?”

    “Shhhh! Don’t give my identity away, or my chaps! I came here early to scout this place out to see what we’re up against.”

    “I figured you were in search of the ‘H’ again. Also, why are you still wearing the chaps?”

    “Well I was in search of the ‘H’”, Tyler said dejectedly, “but that mystery is a cold case. Nobody seems to know why day 1 is H. I guess I should just ask the Usos, but the mere thought of fraternizing with such fashion duds makes me depressed. And I wear the chaps because I like the way the wind feels on my bare ass when I walk.”

    “Yuck! Ugh, the thought of talking to the ugos makes me sick too! It’s like an overtired parent dressed them with whatever mish mash of semi clean laundry was left in the house. Well, what did you find out about this place?” Fandango decided to not bring up the option of wearing nothing in order to feel wind on your ass, as that was a Pandora’s Box he never wanted Tyler to open.

    “That whoever decorated it needs to be arrested. Sanity isn’t here yet, and it seems safe to enter”, Tyler said as he constantly moved as if he was salsa dancing, just to feel the wind on his butt.

    Breezango finally decided to enter the stadium as they heard rustling in the bushes growing closer to them. As they entered, they were stunned by how modern the inside was. There were new age counters and tables all over, with nice stadium seating in the back where they entered, and tons of brand new kitchen equipment towards the stage area. As they questioned what they were looking at, and where the electricity was coming from, Sanity entered the stadium behind them, and just then the PA system hooked up around the stadium sounded off loud music, and a booming voice..

    Over two decades ago, a man’s fantasy became a reality, in a form never seen before- kitchen stadium. Fighting is easy, but cooking… that is a true challenge- today contestants have just one hour to utilize the secret ingredient to make never before seen cooking masterpieces in this man’s coliseum, pitting two teams against one another in culinary battle to determine which is the next Iron Chef, and winner of this round of DOA…

    As both teams looked at each other confused, multiple men dressed in chef uniforms came over and grabbed Wolfe’s corpse and brought it behind a curtain by the stage. As the two teams slowly walked down the stadium steps towards the kitchen area, a man came out from behind the curtain with a covered wheel barrel. He put the barrel down and exclaimed, “Wercome, contestants to Ironeroo Cheferooooo!

    Shortly after he said this, an announce team walked out and sat down stage side, the announce team appeared to be Vampiro and a very heavy set, unkempt guy.

    “Yoooo Brothers! Here we are for round 2 of D-O-A! This one is gonna be special, as I am joined today by the late Cult Icon’s housemate, the guy on the couch…. EDWARD FURLONG! Ed, how are you holding up buddy?”

    “Thanks Vamp. I’m okay. This week has been tough with the passing of Cult. I was really worried about having to contribute to society again when a drone dropped off a plane ticket and a wad of cash for me to come here! I’m broken up about not being able to mooch off Cult anymore, but excited to eat some food!”

    Vampiro looked Ed up and down before replying, “I bet you are, brother. Oh, it looks like the owner of Kitchen Stadium is about to announce the secret ingredient. This is going to be amazing, brother!”

    “The speciar ingredient is.... groundarooo meataroooooo!

    Just then multiple large digital timers turned on overhead around the stadium, with sixty minutes set on each of them. As the confused teams quickly grabbed their meat and began bringing it to their respective work stations, the timers started to count down. The battle of Iron Chef DOA had begun…

    “Uhhh I don’t really cook- Nikki should be perfect for this challenge”, Dain said with pure dread, seemingly staring down an opponent greater than any he had ever faced in a wrestling ring.

    “Why, ‘cause I got tits? You got ‘em too, arsehole!”

    “Dain, obviously you’ve never dated any girls from our generation. It’s you and me for this one. Stuff your eye back into your damn head and let’s cook!”

    Nikki felt like she should protest that last comment EY made towards girls, but if it meant she didn’t have to cook, she’d let them all live this one time. Plus, the gaping wounds oozing pus and blood didn’t motivate her to be physical much. It really was a miracle she was even alive, which might have been part of why she then chose to go curl up and sleep across a few of the stadium seats.

    On the other side, Fandango and Tyler just stared at each other, perplexed as to what to cook until some whispering from Tyler set them into motion.

    “And the two teams are off! Old Janitor guy and Fandango are a flurry of motion, looking pretty confident brother, though the janitor just seems to be wiggling and flailing his booty a lot honestly bro, while EY and Dain look like total fish out of water- as if neither of them have been in a kitchen since the last time you worked, Eddie, which was what… Terminator 2?”

    “Real funny, Vampiro. I’ve done a lot of important work since then. I did American History X, and quite possibly my magnum opus, Arachnoquake. Plus Cult’s couch ain’t gonna groove itself.”

    “Yeah...right- anyways, there seems to be some commotion down in Sanity’s kitchen between EY and Dain right now, let’s listen in…”

    “Dain get your fucking eye out of the stock and go prep the plates!” EY glanced up at the remaining time as Killian stopped stirring, scooped his eye out of the slightly bubbling liquid, and unsure of what to do with the scalding hot eyeball, hot potatoed it over his shoulder.

    “I told you I can’t do this kind of shit! I thought we were gonna get to kill people, not cook for them! And it’s not like I’m used to having my damn eye hanging out of my fucking head!” Despite being an enormous man, Killian turned the rest of his griping into a murmur under his breath, as he stalked off to prepare the plates away from the fuming, red-faced EY.

    15 Minutes. 15 Minutes remain.

    “You heard that brothers! Only 15 minutes left for these teams to create some magic. Sometimes all you have is 15 minutes, right Ed?”


    “Oh Ed! I didn’t mean it brother come back. I was just busting your chops a bit! Well brothers, Edward Furlong has left the building. I’m sure he’ll be back in 10 or 15 years. In the meantime let’s listen in on Fandango and old janitor guy as time winds down now to under 10 minutes!”

    “Wait- Fanny, maybe we should question Hunter, as he has 3 H’s! If anyone knows why Day 1 is H, it has to be him!”

    “Ugh. I’m not Fanny! Maybe if Hunter wears one of those nice tailored suits I’ll speak with him. Definitely not his ring attire, he looks like some kind of homeless Conan reject. And seriously, stop shaking your ass!”

    “I think we’re finally gonna solve this mystery. Just like we solved this round! And never, my ass is free! It feels so fantastic!”

    “Yo- Fandango and the old guy are just chatting it up, high fiving, and freezing in motion after every high five… yelling about montages or something… I don’t know man, but they are done already! Their food is plated and ready to go, brothers. I’d say it looks like Sanity is in some trouble, especially since they have been yelling at each other non-stop. EY looks like he’s gonna burst a vessel man, while Dain holds on to his, literally!”

    1 Minute- 1 Minute remains.

    EY scrambled to pour the liquid into the bowls nested on plates, and put the final preparations on their food as Dain once again tried to figure out what to do with his eye. He decided to just palm it this time as he grabbed plates from EY to bring to the judging table in the final seconds.

    “Ohh! EY and Dain made it just in time brothers. Things are heating up! Don’t sleep on the judging portion of this show, man, it is gonna be wild!.... wait. Is that, Scott Steiner?!?”

    Big Poppa Pump entered the stadium with tears streaming down his face, crying uncontrollably as he held the lifeless corpse of Cult Icon. “IKEN! I was just sittin’ by shore when he came tumblin’, he came splatterin’! I thought I was stuck in this damned place forever after I was summoned here last year, never ta smash my biggest rival Iken again like I smashed yer momma’s ass- cause you can call me yer big-bad-booty-daddy! I thought I’d never see ‘em then he’s dead at ma feet! God no! Someone save him! Get ‘em! You! Do yer job an save ‘em! Without Iken as my foil I got 144 and 1/3rd percent less heat! Do yer maff, it’s bad! I need ma Iken! Holla, if ya, hear me!”

    “As Scott Steiner continues to pace and scream at everyone while holding the beloved Cult Icon’s corpse, the judges are scoring the two teams dishes, brothers. Paired with Dain’s hanging eye, and what I’ve now learned is Tyler Breeze dressed as an elderly janitor while gyrating non-stop, it’s got to be creating one of the weirdest Iron Chef atmospheres to date man- it’s insane. Oh! It looks like the scoring is done. The owner just grabbed a microphone to announce the results...”

    “This year’s Ironerooo Cheferooo winnnnerooooo issss……...San-it-y!”

    “Wow, man! If this wasn’t really happening right here and now I would say the Asian owner was very terribly written- such a disgraceful shell of a caricature! That aside all judges resoundingly agreed that EY’s Consomme was legendary, brothers, legendary! They ranked it as the single best version of one of the hardest recipes known to mankind, man! EY is like cooking Jesus!”

    And Breezango were resoundingly voted down by all the judges- citing that the food was inedible, burnt, over done, and heavy handed on the pepper. Man I thought they had this, brothers! They were so confident! Let’s listen in to what they’re saying in response to the judges!”

    Fandango and Tyler retorted to the judging by lifting up their shirts, after Tyler unzipped his janitor outfit and asked, “Do our bodies look like the bodies of people who eat? Should we talk about your K-Mart loafers? Or your inability to dress yourselves, all wearing the same bland stuff? We obviously wouldn’t have ever solved the case of how to cook if we look like this.”

    “You are all under arrest!” Fandango said seductively, “Tyler, stop gyrating!”

    “Whoa! Brothers I have never seen anything like this! After the judging EY and Dain, starving, devoured their own food and then just now dropped to the ground, seemingly dead, while Breezango still stands, well Tyler is sweeping the floors feverishly, and the judges, crew, and entire inside of Kitchen Stadium just vanished??? Man, what? What the fuck just happened brothers? The stage curtain vanished and behind it… is…….

    Matt Hardy???”

    *Speakers crackle*
    ”Team Sanity has been eliminated. Winners, Team Breezango”

    “Hahahaha-hoooo ho hoooo-who, hehehe, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeesss! I have beeeen awoken! You see, I had a premoneeeeetion! Through my infinite wisdom I gathered that this island is run by a computer geeeneration- a deeestortion- an abominaaation. So I DELETED IT! DELETE! DELETE! And created my own. I am in the mainframe now. I hold all the powa! The jungle is now free! Soon the others hahahahaha ho ho ho ho, hehehe, haha ho he ha hoooooooh. Then I created my own eeeeelusion. The Iron Chef tournament. The drone wasn’t a DOA drone, but none other then Vanguard 1! The powers that be want to give the option to restore life now, but Eric Young and Killian Dain just ate the secret ingredient….Poisoned Alexander Wolfe! Ahahahah, ho ho ho, hehehehe, hahaha, uhhhhhhhhh. I guess the German Consomme was truly to die for! I hoped to kill you all and truly thwart the Overseer, but I learned too late that Breezango aren’t mere mortals, their sustenance does not involve food. I will have my vengeance on the Overseer one way or the other though, yes, Ahaha ho ho ho….”

    In the midst of Matt’s broken laughing, and Scott Steiner screaming about math, Nikki woke up to her team eliminated from DOA, and dead. In a blinding fit of rage, she hurled a chef’s knife towards Matt Hardy, but Matt vanished into thin air, while the knife sailed forward, plunging directly into Edward Furlong while he was still very slowly walking away, but he’s been dead for years, so no big deal.

    As an infuriated Nikki vanished into the deep jungle swearing vengeance, and Scott Steiner wandered off still crying and screaming with Cult Icon in his arms while seeking the Overseer to restore Cult’s life, Breezango freeze framed a bit, but then agreed that the biggest case/mystery of their careers lie ahead…


    END ROUND 2 BA......







  4. #4
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013

    Fucking hell!! Matt Hardy again!! If the Island has an arch enemy, it's this guy. God, but I love that twist!

    Great stuff Kleck, absolutely love how much stuff you brought back from round 1 battles, that's one of the best things about DOA. Interesting that Sanity's seeming power from round 1 was all adrenaline and bravado, as they paid for their recklessness here. Pantless Tyler Breeze is now the only way I will be able to think of the man. You promised something unique and you delivered, can't wait to see what else goes down this year!

  5. #5
    Senior Junior SirSam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Newcastle, Australia
    That was brilliant. Where I played it pretty straight down thr line, Kleckamania pretty much ripped up the play book. Suva creative series. Will be interesting to see how a rouge Niki Cross comes into play later as well as how this Matt Hardy situation affects things.

  6. #6
    The Island has gone offline. It may be a couple of days to restore it (plus I'm away getting a new tattoo and am still waiting on the last battle).

  7. #7
    The Overseer puttered around the Control Room, furious that once again the Island, HIS Island was being tampered with.

    "I swear that if I ever get my hands on Matt Hardy I am going to make him pay. Maybe I'll strap him down and let fire ants bite him. Or maybe I'll send him into the aviary and have him pecked to death by the hawks. Or maybe I'll...."

    As the Overseer brought the Island back online, his inaudible Whispers continued. He seemed to be losing his grip on reality, what little there was to begin with.


    "When is somebody going to tell us what's going on? We've been sitting in the dark for what seems like days"

    "Kurt, stop being a total twat and get a grip. You're an Olympic Gold Medalist for goodness sake."

    "Regal, I've about had it up to here with your insufferable pompous arrogance. I've got a mind to snap your ankle in half right here."

    "Oh I'd like to see you try dear boy. I truly would."

    Daniel had had enough. He wedged his body between the two, shoving them back towards opposite sides of the room.

    "ENOUGH! The only way we're all going to get through this is to work together. There's still one more battle, so Kurt you need to focus because it's Raw's last chance."

    As Daniel spoke, the lights came back on, and The Master Program came into focus.

    "Apologies for the slight......technical issue. It appears there's a ghost in the machine. Don't worry though, it will be dealt with appropriately. Now, where were we? Oh yes, Mr. Angle it is time to see if Absolution can get a Raw team into the Final Battle! Mr. Regal's Authors of Pain appear to be standing in their way however."




    “We did it” Mandy exclaimed excitedly.

    “I know, we managed to get past The Usos” Sonya replies “But Paige has been taken somewhere, we need to find her before the next match is announced”

    “Hold on, I’m getting a text” Mandy replies as she pulls her phone out

    “This isn’t the time for this Mandy” Sonya replies with a slight frustration.

    Sonya looks back to see Mandy stood there, looking at her phone, looking as pale as their missing leader.

    “What’s wrong M” Sonya says.

    “The next match” Mandy replies “we are against the Authors of Pain”

    Sonya’s eyes widen “those two behemoths from NXT” Mandy nods silently

    “We need to find Paige quick; we need all the help we can get here”

    “A bit late for that ladies”

    “LET GO OF ME” Paige yells as she is pushed into a room by a hooded man, she turns to yell at him “My team needs me, let me out you arsehole”

    “Calm down” the hooded man replies “the boss told me that after Jordan’s interference I am to take you out of the equation”

    “You wanna fight you big bastard, well bring it on” Paige replies as she prepares for him to charge

    “I’m not killing you yet, that would eliminate your team from the competition” the hooded man replies “but from in here, you can’t do anything but hope that your team survives”

    “So when my team win this round, I am free to go” Paige replies

    “If your team survives, but I wouldn’t hold my breath” the hooded man replies “And if they die, well it is up to me I guess”

    “You aren’t going to kill me” Paige asks confused

    “Might” the man replies “I literally only just got told I had to do this, I’m not used to this”

    “Then what do you do” Paige asks

    “Usually I work on the plants and landscaping of the palace grounds” the man replies “And that is all I am going to say” he continues as he quickly exits the room, locking the door as Paige runs towards it to try and open it.

    “You can try if you want but this door won’t budge” the man says through the door “If you want to watch your team, we have cameras all over the island, I think they are in the city” The hooded man says and leaves to report back to the boss.

    Paige quickly heads to the TV in the corner of the room, one of the only features in the room, along with a wooden dining chair. She took a seat and began to flip through the city cams to find her friends.

    “A bit late for that ladies.

    Sonya and Mandy turn around to see Akam and Rezar standing with a bat and machete respectively, with Paul Ellering stood in front of them, with a cane.

    “I don’t remember you needing a cane?” Sonya says to Ellering

    “I don’t, it just makes me feel a bit like a mob boss” Ellering replies “Now if you are done with the stupid question, it is time for your disemboweling”
    Akam and Rezar take a step to being in front of Ellering and begin to slowly advance on the two terrified women. Mandy and Sonya begin to slowly back away, Mandy drops her purse. The two women look at it, Sonya sees a can of hair spray and a lighter, quickly coming up with an idea on how to escape. Sonya grabs the two items as the Authors advance; she begins spraying the hair spray and uses the lighter to make a makeshift flamethrower. The flames get close to the Authors who stop moving forward to avoid the flames. The flames begin to draw closer to the can. Sonya quickly throws it a few feet and Absolution take off running. The can explodes spreading flames in the immediate area, though most of the street not being flammable, it quickly dispersed, The Authors brushed off the flames that had caught them.

    “And here I was expecting this to be boring” Ellering says as his two hulks turn to face him

    “Well go find them then” Ellering says “first one to find them gets a sticker”

    Akam and Rezar set off to hunt down the ladies as Ellering pulls a cigar from his pocket and lights it from one of the dying embers of flames on a signpost

    A few hours later

    “Ok I think they are gone”

    “Can we get out of the dumpster then?”

    A second later the lid of the dumpster opens a little as Sonya takes a look around to see if she could spot the AOP anywhere.

    “I think we are clear” Sonya says as she opens the lid the rest of the way and hops out. She extends a hand to help Mandy out of the dumpster.

    “Thanks” Mandy says as she dusts herself off “Okay, let’s go find a phone so we can get the police or something to deal with these guys”

    “There is a museum just across the street, they are bound to have a phone” Sonya says spotting the old building across the street.

    The two hurry across the empty street, the sun is beginning to set. They reach the door and luckily it is open. However the building has no people inside either. The two hurry to the main desk in the middle of the room and Mandy grabs the phone and calls 911.

    “Hello, you are trying to ring an outside line, reconnecting you to DOA central” a robotic voice on the other end says

    “Welcome to DOA central … for all your DOA needs and concerns. For bookings and accommodation, press 1. For Merchandise, press 2. For information on upcoming DOA events, press 3. For the employee contact line, press *. If your concern doesn’t come under these, please press the pound key and you will be connected to a DOA operative”

    “It wants me to hit the pound key?” Mandy says

    “I’ve heard of that, it’s what old people call a hashtag” Sonya replies

    “Hello and welcome to DOA customer care, my name is Bill how may I be of service” a man with a heavy Indian accent says.

    “Hi, uhm we are being hunted by two giant psychos and need to contact the police, or the army of whatever you guys have” Mandy says

    “Are you contestants or guests” the man replies

    “Contestants, but we don’t want to fight these guys” Mandy replies quickly

    “Unfortunately once you have entered DOA, the only way out is to be the last team standing” the man says “Your opponents have been alerted of your location so that you may fight and continue the path out”

    “WHAT” Mandy slams down the phone

    “Your opponents are on their way, I hope this helps you”

    “FUCK YOU BILL” Mandy yells

    “Did I take care of all your customer concerns in a timely and satisfactory fashion today” Bill continues
    Mandy slams the phone down

    “He ratted us out, we need to go now” Mandy says and the two run for the door.

    The two run out of the door but stop dead as they look at the bottom of the museum steps to see Akam stood there, waiting. The two turn around and run back into the building with the hopes of finding a back door. They find a back door but Rezar is stood right outside. The two run back into the main room and see Paul Ellering entering through a side door.

    “CRAP” the two women yell as Rezar and Akam enter through their respective entries.

    “It’s time for the inevitable” Ellering says, he nods to his two associates and they charge the women.

    Sonya and Mandy run out of the way at the last second. The two Authors collide, knocking each other to the floor. Mandy and Sonya take this opportunity to escape, the two head up the main stairwell up to the second floor.

    “GET THEM” Ellering yells at the two on the floor. They get to their feet and head off after the women.

    Mandy and Sonya head through a door leading to more stairs. Mandy stops to turn the doors lock to hopefully stop the Authors in pursuit. The two reach the top layer of the service stairs. They exit the stairwell and are on a catwalk that is suspending a blue whale skeleton. The two look down at the Authors at the door as Rezar rips the door off its hinges, he tries to throw the door at the two but it doesn’t quite reach them. The women continue to run but find there is no door on the other side of the catwalk. The Authors have reached the catwalk too, Paul still on the balcony below, ready to watch his boys break some bodies.

    “I think we are fucked” Mandy says as the Authors advance from both sides of the catwalk.

    “Not yet” Sonya says as she grabs ahold of the cable that supports the whale skeleton. Mandy quickly grabs ahold too and the two begin to shimmy along towards the hanging carcass.

    “Just shoot them” Ellering yells from below as his two associates look unsure of what to do next.

    The two look around and shrug

    “YOU FORGOT THE GODAMN CROSSBOWS DIDN’T YOU” Ellering yells up to his beasts, who hang their heads in shame

    “Grab onto the cable and get after them then” Ellering yells up.

    Akam and Rezar grab onto the cable and begin to shimmy along after the two women. Sonya and Mandy have passed the mid-way point of the skeleton and were using it to stand on. Akam had caught up to them, hanging on with one arm with a machete in the other. Akam swung the blade at Mandy, narrowly missing her. But one of her hands slipped, leaving Mandy hanging there, Sonya backed towards her and Mandy grabbed onto her shoulders to dodge a second swing from Akam. However the combination of the added weight and strain on the cable, coupled with a heavy hit from a machete caused the cable to snap. Mandy and Sonya were sent hurtling towards a window, crashing through it and finally escaping the museum.
    Akam and Rezar kept ahold of their cable segment too as they and the whale crashed towards the ground.
    Ellering rushes to his protégés to check on them.

    Dusk, alleyway

    Sonya opens her eyes, around her is a lot of glass and trash, and to her left is Mandy who is lying unconscious. Sonya struggles to speak or move, she is honestly shocked she isn’t dead

    “Mandy” Sonya says quietly

    Mandy’s body moves slightly and Sonya let out a sigh of relief

    “I think we won” Sonya says quietly

    “Yay” Mandy says sarcastically.

    “Not just yet” says a voice.

    The two look forward to see Paul Ellering and behind him stand Akam and Rezar, albeit bruised and with several new scars.

    “You two put up one hell of a chase” Ellering says “But it is time to face your destiny”

    Sonya tries to get up but her arms give out under her.

    “If it helps, your deaths are gonna serve as part of the path to victory for DOA’s next champions” Ellering says grinning

    Sonya again tries to get up. She manages to crawl this time over to Mandy’s body and falls atop her.

    “I’m sorry” Sonya says to her friend as Akam and Rezar advance on them with their weapons drawn.

    “Make it quick” Ellering says, Akam and Rezar nod as they go to work.



    Angle slumped to the floor, conflicting emotions rushing through his entire being. His last team, Absolution, had met their defeat, and while he was devastated by losing yet another pair, he was also relieved that he would no longer have to participate in this atrocity.

    On the other hand, William Regal couldn't have been happier. His Authors of Pain, along with Aleister and Velveteen were going to dismantle those ridiculous Fashionistas that Daniel somehow managed to get into the Final Battle. Now all he had to do was decide which of his teams he had to sacrifice.

    The Master Program once again appeared.

    "Congratulations Mr's. Regal and Bryan. It appears that our Final Battle is set in place......almost. Since none of Mr. Angle's team have advanced, he is free to go, or he can stay and watch the End if he wishes. I must warn you though Mr. Angle, you'd be doing so alone."

    Regal and Bryan looked at each other quizzically. Almost as if they read each other's minds they realized what was about to happen.

    "Mr. Bryan, you will be joining Breezango, while Mr. Regal will be joining Black Velvet. The Authors of Pain will have Mr. Ellering as their third. You see Mr. Angle, sometimes even when you lose, you win."

    A huge smile broke out across Kurt's face. He wouldn't have to fight, but Regal and Daniel would. Once again, Raw was the superior brand.

    "Prepare yourselves gentlemen, for the battle is forthcoming."



  8. #8
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Zak, your disregard for punctuation is nothing short of amazing. That said, there is something compelling about the insanity you can cook up when you go outside the box. Enjoyed this, even the dark ending.

    Rob, what a twist!! Can't believe poor Regal has to go back into this insanity. I'm pumped for the final, can't wait!!

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