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Thread: My World: Teufel Hunden

  1. #1
    Mr 173
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    My World: Teufel Hunden

    WALK THE WAY OF THE WARRIOR
    DO SIMPLE THINGS WELL
    ALWAYS BE A STUDENT IN THE ART AND SCIENCE OF WAR

    Time to go that way again, my friends. Are you ready to take a trip to the backside of your mind?! Follow me to that place where everybody can unwind, and step inside... Welcome back to MY WORLD!

    Today we are heading into the Marine Room of my world. For those that don't know, from 2007-2011, I was known as Lance Corporal TheLAW. I served with Golf Company, 2nd Battalion, 5th Marines out of Camp Pendleton in California. I deployed three times, saw 21 countries before I turned 21, and took my turn in the sandbox of Afghanistan. It is the crowning achievement in my life so far, next to marrying my wife of course.

    What does it mean to be a Marine? A Marine is always faithful, to their country and their Corps. They must be polite, courteous, and kind; but they always have a plan to kill everyone they meet. A Marine is someone you can trust with your son's life, but not your daughter's virginity. I think I'll let Eleanor sum this up for me...

    The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!

    Well Semper fuckin Fi, Mrs. Roosevelt!

    So what does this have to do with professional wrestling? I've been doing some looking into WWE superstars and legends of the ring that also served in the U.S.M.C. I was quite surprised how many there were. The military and pro-wrestling share quite a few commonalities, biggest of these is travel. Marines and WWE Superstars spend more time away from their families than anyone. I can remember going two whole years not seeing anyone but my fellow Marines. I am sure that there are professional wrestlers who can say the same thing.

    Today, we're going to take a look at some of the Marines that have passed through our favorite pseudo-sport. I have divided the men and women we will be looking at today into three different categories: Wannabes, Leathernecks, and Old Corps. I am going to take a look at both their military and professional wrestling careers, and give them some custom grading designed by yours truly.
    Let's kick this pig!


    THE WANNABES BATTALION


    I'll admit that this is a hack category that I probably could have left out, but I wanted to touch on the superstars that have never served, but they stared in a movie once. The weekend of "basic training" showed them EXACTLY what it was like to be a Marine because we jump over walls and drag dummies for breakfast every day of our lives. Also, we are all supreme martial arts masters, we eat bullets and piss napalm, and we're all the exact same size as The Rock. Let's start with some of the lesser offenders.

    The Miz:

    I freakin love The Miz. I watched him when he pretended to be The Rock on MTV's The Real World back in 2001, and I watched him when he beat John Cena in the main event of WrestlefreakinMania! The Miz is someone I look up to. He saw what he wanted, and he didn't take shit from anybody on the way up. He paid his dues, despite what certain locker room douchebags felt.

    Miz was never a Marine, and despite his craptastic movies about being one, I feel like he would have made a good one. Corporal Mizanin would have been busted down to Private a few times for sure, but he would've made for one hell of a wingman on the beaches of San Clemente.

    Scores

    Walk the way of the warrior: -5 points for never serving

    Do simple things well: 10 points

    Always be a student in the art and science of war: 5 points

    Total Score: Oohrah!

    Ted Dibiase Jr.:

    I don't have a lot to say about the maestro of the Dibiase Posse. I liked the guy. I thought he could have been great. From the time he partnered up with Cody Rhodes back in the day, I was all in. Then he just left. He did star in The Marine 2 though. which makes me hate him a little bit more.

    Dibiase Jr. would have made for a piss poor Marine. Zero motivation, no discipline, and a lackadaisical attitude would have put this kid on permanent bitch duty.

    Scores

    Walk the way of the warrior: -10 points for never serving and being a glorified spot filler for someone else who could've taken advantage of his opportunity.

    Do simple things well: -15 points. He was a good hand in the ring, but he was always pretty bland. He was handed chicken salad based on his last name and he turned in to Kentucky Fried Chicken Shit on his way out.

    Always be a student in the art and science of war: - 20 points because fuck that guy

    Total Score: Fuckin Boot!


    John Cena:

    Ahh, the poster boy for playing dress up and spitting in the face of real Marines everywhere. John Cena is a fantastic professional wrestler. John Cena is apparently a pretty good actor. John Cena is the first result that shows up on Google when you search professional wrestler Marine Corps and that makes me fuckin sick. I hate his fucking phony dog tags too.

    If Johnny boy was an actual Marine, he would have been what the boys called a suck dick, someone who kisses up to the higher ups and gets meritoriously promoted only for looking the part. Real Marines hate Marines like Cena would be. I would rally up the Lance Corporal Underground and soap party his big bitch ass.

    Scores

    Walk the way of the warrior: -5 for never serving, -10 for wearing dog tags he never earned, 5 points for showing the troops respect whenever he can.

    Do simple things well: 20 points because it's John fuckin Cena. He has personified simplicity for the last decade-plus.

    Always be a student in the art and science of war: 15 points. He may not have changed his character more than twice in his entire career, but John Cena went from a shit bag wrestler to one of the most versatile workers in the industry.

    Total Score: Semper Fi... even if he doesn't know how to spell it.

    That does it for the wannabes, let's move on to the real thing!


    LEATHERNECK PLATOON

    This section is devoted to the most recent of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children. Most seved in the late 90's to early 2000's.

    Lacy Evans:

    The Mae Young Classic was a strong stride in the right direction for women's wrestling this last year. 32 combatants, single elimination, all fighting for what was one of the coolest looking trophies I've seen in quite some time.

    I did not watch the tourney in its entirety, but I heard a lot about a certain warrior in the fray; enter Lacy Evans. Though she only made it to the second round, before coming up short to Toni Storm, she has definitely left an impact as the Lady of NXT.

    Her backstory is certainly something to behold. The Corporal had a rough time growing up but specialized at turning negatives into positives. She took in almost her entire family to get them off of their individual addictions while she was still serving on Camp Pendleton. In yet another interesting factoid, it seems that this woman was born to be a Marine. She was born in the most Marine place in all of the world, Parris Island, South Carolina!

    I'm not sure what the future will hold for Lacy, but it is a promising one; given the women's evolution and her military background. She has the look, a unique style, and a killer mentality that will get her far in the wrestling realm.

    Scores

    Walk the way of the warrior: 10 points for honorable service

    Do simple things well: 5 points for her performance in the MYC, another 5 for her Lady Fist forearm smash finisher.

    Always be a student in the art and science of war: 0 points, but only because I haven't seen enough of her yet. I feel like this score will improve greatly over the next few years.

    Total Score: Semper Fi

    Steve Cutler:

    Now here's a guy I have never heard of prior to the research phase for this very column, which is funny to me because we were both stationed on Pendleton from 2007 to 2011. It is a big base though, so not too surprising that we never crossed paths; or we did and just never knew it.

    Cutler got a highlight spot on WWE's Website back in November this last year for Veteran's Day. Looking into his background, his service was deemed honorable upon discharge. He successfully completed two tours of Afghanistan, which makes him a brother in my book. You truly never know who you are until you spend a year in the Sand Box.

    His career is still very much in its infancy. He did step into the ring with some heavy hitters since 2013. He has competed in losing battles against CJ Parker, Roderick Strong, Samoa Joe, and current Royal Rumble Winner Shinsuke Nakamura. I hope that he starts to gain some traction, and becomes more than an NXT enhancement talent here soon. The wrestling world could use a Marine up at the top of the card.

    Scores

    Walk the way of the warrior: 10 points for honorable service, another 5 for being a combat veteran.

    Do simple things well: 1 point, because I literally haven't seen the guy do anything.

    Always be a student in the art and science of war: 15 points. 10 for his military training, the other five for paying his dues and looking up at the lights for some pretty big names.

    Total Score: Smedley Butler

    Gunner:

    Here's a guy I really like. Gunner is what happens when your mother is an M-16 and your father is the devil. Chad Lail was a machine gunner during his time in the Corps, just like I was, therefore he is the baddest motherfucker on the god damn planet... or just in this column.

    He's had quite a lengthy career at this point, competing for NWA, NXT, and most famously TNA. his team with James Storm in TNA was fuckin bad ass. They could've built their company around this guy. the fans loved him, he had a ton of charisma, and he's cut out of fuckin sheetrock.

    Scores

    Walk the way of the warrior: 20 points for honorable service and for being a belt fed beast.

    Do simple things well: 10 points. In my opinion, Gunner can do it all in the ring. I would love to see him on the Main Roster firmly positioned in the mid-card, or the tag ranks with Murphy, very soon.

    Always be a student in the art and science of war: 5 points. I'll give him another 20 when he becomes WWE Universal Champion

    Total Score: John Basilone

    Before we move on to the Old Corps, I have a couple of honorable mentions that don't quite fit into the other categories.

    Randy Orton:

    Poorest excuse for a marine that there ever could be. Randall only served for 1 year, spending 38 days of that year in the brig on Pendleton for disobeying a lawful order and being unauthorized absent, or AWOL. Fuck Randy Orton and fuck everyone that looks like Randy Orton.

    Total Score: Shit Bag

    Drew Carey:

    Hey! Look at that, I have a Celebrity Wing of the Marine Room in MY WORLD. I was shocked to see that one time Royal Rumble participant and WWE Hall of Famer, Drew Carey, was a hard-charging United States Marine in his early life. Corporal Carey would serve 6 years in the Marine Corps Reserves before being discovered as a stand up comic.

    Total Score: Archibald Henderson

    THE OLD CORPS


    Let's talk about some Devil Dogs from days past. I'm giving these men a collective scoring because you can't really rank old-school Marines individually.(My rules, I make um up as I go)

    Sgt. Slaughter, Road Dogg, Verne Gagne:

    Road agents, Commissioners, and Promoters... OH MY!

    Walk the way of the warrior: 15 points to Verne Gagne! This hard charger was not to be messed with. He stretched and maimed his opponents back in the day with the veracity only known to the US Marines. This is the man who actually created Hulkamania, and in 2009, 82-year-old Verne Gagne body slammed his 92-year-old nursing home roommate to death. Fuckin A! If that isn't walking the way of the warrior, I don't know what is. Rest in Valhalla Vern Gagne!

    Do simple things well: 9.5 points to the Road Dogg, because the Road Dogg has always done simple things, only. He was made famous for having an announcer's voice and for being pretty lousy as an in-ring competitor. He was a Hardcore Champion though, which always gets you more points in MY WORLD. Last word on The Roadie, START WRITING SMACKDOWN BETTER, YOU INCOMPETENT FUCK! Love you, Road Dogg!

    Always be a student in the art and science of war: 5 Points to Sgt. Slaughter! He was a wrestler, a commissioner, a producer, and a road agent. He has don't it all and seen it all in professional wrestling, and he was a damn fine Marine according to all of my research. Never really evolved as a personality though.

    Total Score for the Old Corps: Chesty Puller

    This will about do it for the Marine Room today, folks. I hope you have enjoyed this look into Wrestling Marines as much as I have. I'm going to go drink some whiskey and pass out now, so I will leave you with this.

    Yay.... though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For, I am the baddest motherfucker in the valley! Semper Fi.

    IMG_0446.jpg Luke SAW.jpg
    LCPL TheLAW:2007-2011
    Last edited by TheLAW; 02-11-2018 at 07:32 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Junior SirSam's Avatar
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    This was a cool idea and something that you are actually uniquely qualified to write too. Really liked the insight you provided into the life of a marine and the obvious scorn you have for the Wannabes and Randy Orton are understandable. I have no idea what would be required to be a Marine so I have very little to add but I would say you were perhaps a tad harsh on young Teddy.

    I still like the My World thing but I think the way you dialed it back here and gave it more of a cameo was a good idea.

    One thing I don't get is that while you had a cool format that was working well you ditched it for the final section which was kind of jarring and also kind of weird.

    Still overall, good column man, loved the personal insight to it all and am glad you bounced back from the last piece with this.

  3. #3
    The Brain
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    Nice piece here Law, enjoyed it for sure! I agree with Sam, your unique perspective on this topic made this an extra fun read. Let me take a look at some of these guys...

    You know I've got love for my man the Miz! His work ethic alone sets him apart. I think he could do anything he put his mind to, though military service might not be the best fit for him. Ted Jr, yup, nothing more to say there! As for Cena, I can't tell you how many people I've talked to believe this man is a real former marine. That's gotta be annoying to someone like you, I imagine! Though you're right, at least he does show respect to the troops (when he's not impersonating them!).

    I only know a little about Evans, but anyone who is able to hack it across the gender divide has got to be tough as hell. Would definitely be down to see more of her. Don't know anything about Cutler, Gunner I know all too well though! I have to admit, I never cared for him at all as a wrestler, but I do respect what he's done in his life, as far as that goes. I believe he's somewhere in the underbelly of NXT right now, so perhaps brighter things are eventually in store for him? As for Orton, yup, fuck him in this context for sure! Surprising fact about Drew Carey, I had no idea and I never would have guessed!

    Ah, the old timers. I admit I didn't care much for your joke about Verne killing his roommate in a dementia fueled attack, that was a bit fucked up man. But yeah, big respect to Verne both for his service, his wrestling, and being the first guy to give Hulkamania a major spotlight. Road Dogg is another guy I wouldn't have expected, and while he apparently is garbage as a writer I did actually always enjoy him as a performer. Sgt. Slaughter is a great talent and if anything I think you're selling him a bit short, if he hadn't butted heads with Vince just as the WWF was blowing up he could have been as high as the #2 name in the world in that era, and for my money he had just as much personality as he needed to have for the role.

    Good stuff man, a return to positive form in my book.

  4. #4
    Mr 173
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    F2F time

    @Sam: I'm glad you liked this one better man. I agree that i nuked the format a little at the end. The main reason was because i was tired. Secondary reason is because I'm lazy lol. Im glad you liked it anyways.

    Ps. Teddy always had it coming hahahaha

    @Mizzy Lol come on man! Where would a LAW column be withiut at least one fucked up joke haha. Im glad you dugg it dude. I like to be able to throw Marine LAW out there every now and then. Always brings back good memories for me.

    Ps on Slaughter. I admit to being ill versed in Slaughters career. I think ive only seen one match of his all the way through. It was a steel toed boot match against Pat Patterson. Other than that it was all Commisioner Slaughter when I was growing up.
    Last edited by TheLAW; 02-12-2018 at 06:27 PM.

  5. #5
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    I enjoyed your perspective as well. Looking at the character of a wrestler through their service to their country is a unique take. So many of our heroes of the squared circle in this day and age could not live up to the code you lived up to. The latest bright star to flame out was Enzo Amore. Imagine him in the Marine Corps.

    Back in my early days of wrestling fandom the wrestlers had to be legitimately tough. Fans took it for real and would attack them in any setting. Fritz Von Erich was stabbed in the arena by a fan as were other wrestlers. Fritz never missed a match afterward. I realize that is not real combat. I wonder what your rating for some of them would be.

    So many talented wrestlers today are from Canada. It would be interesting to see your take on where they would have ranked had they been an American citizen and had the chance to serve. Chris Jericho is an example of a wrestler I would like your take on.

    It is always nice to digest the view of others who enjoy the "sport" I do. Thanks for your insight into these wrestlers.

  6. #6
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    Law, this was really interesting to me, as your perspective gives you a unique qualification to cover this. That perspective also allowed you to approach a topic that never would have crossed my mind and made for an interesting read. What took me out of the column, but also educated me, was the "Total Score" segment. Without really explaining what each grade meant or in the case of named individuals what their significance was, it left me a little in the dark. Shitbag I could figure out, and I know that Semper Fi is the motto of the Marines, but for Cena to be roundly bashed and then receive Semper Fi, while Lacy Evans was widely praised and then received the same rank was a bit confusing. Then I was looking up the Archibald Hendersons and Chesty Pullers of the world to see what their significance was.

    I guess what I'm saying is that your marine knowledge was both the best and worst part of the column, as your perspective really made for a fun column. But the flip side of the coin is that what might be common knowledge to you, isn't to me, or perhaps some other readers, and thus left us a bit on the outside looking in. I think a better run down of the ratings would have served you well. I also agree that by lumping everyone at the end into one category instead of giving them their own, it was a bit jarring as someone else had mentioned.

    Now, the most amazing part of the column for me is that when I was watching TNA, I thought Gunnar was pretty underwhelming aside from having a good physique. The way you painted him makes me feel like I need to go review and perhaps reevaluate some of his work. At the very least he should be hiring you as his hype man, because there's no one out there who could do a better job of selling him than you.

    Criticisms aside, I enjoyed this a lot buddy, glad to see you writing again.
    Read my latest. That's not a request.

    THAT'S AN ORDER, MAGGOT!!!!





  7. #7
    Mr 173
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    F2F

    @Vonwrestler thanks for the feed dude! I will have to think on the Canada idea. I might expand this into different military branches one of these months.

    @Ray! Thank you so much for agreeing to come check this out buddy. It's funny that you mentioned having to look up Archibald and Chesty, that was exactly why I used them and didnt explain it. I thought it was kindof a cool way to trick the audience into unwillingly learning more about the Marine Corps. It seems to have worked haha. I do realize that some of the scoring got wonky in this. I think I need to drink a little less whisky when I write. It might help to keep the format a little less blurry.

  8. #8
    Broken Kleck Kleckamania's Avatar
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    Unique and plays to your strengths- this is exactly the kind of play you should keep in your trick book, every now and then rolling out your military experience and connecting it to wrestling somehow. Great idea.

    My only constructive I can offer, if doing a scoring system, keep in mind a lot of civilians wont get some of the references you made (take John Basilone for an example), and it could get in the way of their connecting to your column. A rank should work, or even a description of each scoring distinction before you dive into the scoring.

    Having said that, this is a great, interesting approach to a wrestling column.

    I knew about Drew Carrey, but I was surprised about Cena. I thought he actually served as a marine just never in active combat? I think Miz, because of his heart and determination, would have made a great military man.

    Fun column, Law.

  9. #9
    Mr 173
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    @Kleck

    You are correct my friend. I should have done a score box at the top of this column. I will correct that course should I dive into this topic again. Im glad you dugg it for what it was though!


    Update: I just got word of the Forgotten Sons stable on an NXT live event. Chad Lail(Gunner), Steve Cutler, Wesley Blake, AND Lacy Evans!!! They are a former military stable, though based on my research, Blake doesnt have a lick of military in his background which docks a couple of points for me. This is a stable I will absolutely sign the fuck up for, not to mention fantasy book the fuck out of. If WWE wants TheLAW back on their network subscription list, this will be the stable that does it.
    Last edited by TheLAW; 02-18-2018 at 12:59 PM.

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