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Thread: Type Vs. Cena- Rap Battle

  1. #1

    Type Vs. Cena- Rap Battle

    I feel like I've written 100 columns all about John Cena and his failure to evolve as a character. While I applaud that he's more than a willing participant to put over guys at this stage in his career, I don't feel like he's paid the business forward in the way that he could, or maybe even a way WWE would allow him. Sometimes in my crazy busy life with 4 kids, I imagine all the tactful things I'd say to John Cena if we ever had the opportunity to meet face to face. I'd remind him of all the endless possibilites and new combinations that turning heel would provide, even if it was short term ala Shawn Michaels 2005 in his feud with Hulk Hogan.

    My inspiration for this was a dream I had just a few short nights ago. Though it was extremely vague and there's little to no details, I was in a dark alley speaking to John Cena in what was initially just a conversation that he arrogantly turned into a rap battle. In the dream, I gladly obliged and apparently won the battle, though I literally remember nothing except people cheering and celebrating like I'd won the Super Bowl. I have always been an emotional dreamer and I woke up from that dream feeling like I'd accomplished something real.

    Knowing the kind of promos John Cena spews out and obviously all the things I'd like to tell him, I thought to myself "why not flesh this out?" So I did.

    Ladies and gentlemen.... Type Vs. Cena.



    You ripped Romans to shreds
    said he couldn't cut a promo
    then sucked his dick post post match
    on Raw Talk
    No Homo

    You broke the 4th wall
    pounded through it with your fist
    then spit in our face like Tajiri with green mist

    "Roman's the guy"
    "He proved he could go"
    "Forget everything I said in all those promos"

    Who you fooling, John?
    You can't be for real
    quit playing games
    and finally turn heel



    You couldn't walk a single mile in these shoes
    or even climb a small hill
    go tell that heel story
    to someone terminally ill

    Granted 500 wishes
    to kids writhing in pain
    You IWC'ers drive me insane

    You hate me already
    you'll boo me til your blue
    i'm a heel in your eyes
    isn't that good enough for you?

    I didnt lie about Roman
    I passed him the paton
    so I can make this place better
    after I'm gone

    You hate him too
    but you always react
    consider me Curt Hawkins
    it's time to face the facts



    I know you can take it
    as well as you can dish
    but please spare me
    the guilt from Make-A-Wish

    Hearts would be broken
    kid would cry
    doesnt mean you shouldn't give it a try

    Cut me this bullshit where you're always self aware
    throwing it on our face like you don't even care
    I'm not asking for '96
    no Bash at the Beach
    no leg drop to shock the world
    that'd probably be a reach

    No wholesale changes
    anything will do
    just let someone get the best of you

    Get mad, explode
    throw something in disgust
    tell us we don't appreciate you
    point fingers if you must

    You can be the same guy
    and throw it in our face
    but don't always pander to the kids
    and offer an embrace



    You want heel Cena?
    I'll give it to you, fine!
    go watch me in action for $9.99

    This ain't about you
    I'm not tryin to be mean
    I don't work for 30 somethings behind computer screens
    writing colums like they're still in their teens
    playing fantasy booker
    trying to change the scene

    I already passed the torch
    even lit the flame
    maybe Roman can take it
    so don't pass the blame

    Don't rely on heel Cena
    to change the game
    when you have a talented roster
    striving to make a name

    You don't like what I say?
    Not enough heel heat?
    find someone on the mic
    who can actually compete (drops mic)

    I can't believe I just lost a rap battle that was 100% fake and manipulated for me to win. The goal was to expose Cena's rhetoric and slam him with hot takes and opinions of why he needs to turn heel. Truth is when I attempted to refute all the points Cena would presumably make, I found myself realizing it was less feasible for him to ever turn heel, and that things like Make-a-Wish, his own personal image and the image of WWE itself aren't tailor made for him to do that kind of thing. This is not something I expected to put into the column, but continued to gain momentum with each mock-rap line. It is quite possible I have just embarrassed myself with a less than stellar rap column and also lost to John Cena while scripting lines for the both of us.

    Damn he is good.
    Last edited by TypeItInMaan; 02-05-2018 at 06:36 PM.

  2. #2
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    This was fun, and I actually think you captured Cena's old voice pretty well while still making some solid back and forth points. Even so, I do think someday we'll get a chance to try out heel Cena, and it'll be a lot of fun.

    Oh, and it was '96 that Hogan turned.

  3. #3
    @Miz- Dang it and I knew it was 96 too but I had 95 on the brain. Easy fix actually didnt change the rhyme! To answer your previous question, I'm from the Upper Peninsula in Michigan so like 7 hours from you! I was in GR though last May when RAW was there. Pretty underwhleming show other than Heyman showing up to confront Balor and the in ring debut of Elias! I'm only like 2 1/2 hours from Green Bay where I live even though it's considered MI.

  4. #4
    Cracked a smile at some of those lines!

    Thing with Cena turning heel is it's not his decision, and up until a year or two ago I really don't think WWE were in a place to do it. Now though, with the way they've finally elevated some new guys to the top who are genuinely popular as well as having Vince's pet project still on the go, I think they could afford to do it. A couple of years ago there was still nobody to step into that top face position, now they have 4 or 5 guys that are all ready. It may not be the one main face that Vince likes to have, but in most other people's opinions putting all your eggs in one basket isn't a good thing.

    Hollywood Cena? Your time is now.

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