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Thread: Retro Columns Thread

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK

    Retro Columns Thread

    This thread is a space for people to post columns that they want to share from the past of LoP. I'm going to kick things off with the final column from a Hall of Famer in just a moment, but people should feel free to use this space to post any columns that they'd like to give an airing to here as well.

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by Valleyboy/Boss Foxx

    The Death Of A Wrestling Fan (My Final Column)

    I've been a wrestling fan since I was seven years old. That's a long time to be a fan of anything, but it's an especially long time when you consider the metamorphosis professional wrestling has experienced between the time I started watching in the mid 80s to the present. But, I'm thirty-one years old now, and I've come to the realization that I am not a fan anymore. I'd like to be, but I've run out of reasons to watch a form of entertainment I consider to be a sad reflection of it's former glory. In retrospect, my disenfranchisement has been a long time coming. There’s been a slow burn over the last couple of years, which has steadily tested my dedication and patience towards one of the constants through much of my life. So, what is it that’s made me change my outlook towards wrestling? To answer that, I should explain what made me such a fan in the first place.

    In middle school, I got my first taste of amateur wrestling. Prior to meeting the blue mats in the school’s gymnasium, my only wrestling experience consisted of grappling with my father or friends in the backyard. Bear in mind, I’m not referring to backyard wrestling as it has come to be known nowadays, but actual wrestling in it’s most basic form. Amateur wrestling was fun, and certainly more appealing to me than the team sports the school offered (though I would have killed for a football program), but it paled in comparison to the theatrics and showmanship of pro wrestling. Sport for the sake of sport was fine, but sport for the sake of entertainment was far more captivating. While most Canadian boys watched “Hockey Night In Canada” on the weekends, I was tuning into “Maple Leaf Wrestling.” Even when the early 90s were a time of laughable storylines and gimmicks, I stayed loyal as a fan, riding through the rough patches and always seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

    By the time I was in my early twenties, wrestling’s popularity was hitting new heights, as opposed to the previous years when a wrestling conversation was relegated away from people who might chide fans for enjoying a fake sport. The ability to have water cooler talk about it was so much more enjoyable than pretending to care about the Toronto Maple Leafs or “Seinfeld.” There was an entire community of fans out there. Most friends and acquaintances were fairweather fans, however, and stopped watching after a couple of years. By the time WCW and ECW folded, I was among very few who cared to watch , let alone follow it in a similar fashion to an armchair quarterback or Trekkie with their respective devotions. My friends' reasons were varied, but always had one common thread - they had outgrown pro wrestling.

    In the summer of 2001, I happened upon a wrestling messageboard while online. was always one of my favorite sites on account of their minimalist style and ability to filter out the more preposterous articles, so when I saw they hosted forums to discuss wrestling, I was instantly drawn to join in the conversation. LoP became my wrestling home in a sense. It didn’t take long for me to dive head first into the discussions, which ultimately led me to write columns for the site. In high school, I'd always enjoyed writing, but let it go as soon as I got into college. Writing wrestling columns became a fun outlet for me and resurrected my love of putting pen to paper – only now I was the proverbial monkey with a typewriter. I was writing about something I loved, but that started to change for me as time wore on.

    As months turned into years, my life kept unfolding before me, just as it does for every wrestling fan. Colleges, jobs, women, health problems, student loans, etc ... it all came and went over the years, but I always had wrestling as a top source of entertainment. Then I started to realize it wasn't entertaining me as much anymore, and yet I was still buying tapes and DVDs, ordering PPVs, and watching the telecasts nearly every week. Storylines weren't following any kind of logic, and the younger wrestlers seemed either too green or too preoccupied with flashy moves to bother telling a story in the ring. Now, I'm notoriously a cheap guy when it comes to money, so I asked myself why was I willing to part with my hard-earned cash for the sake of something I wasn't as passionate towards? The answer was habit. “TNA Final Resolution 2005” was the last PPV I ever ordered. Rather than throwing my money away on shows which were becoming very “hit or miss” in terms of overall value, I invested in a DSL internet account. From that point on, I didn't have to spend money on wrestling unless I considered it something worthwhile. I never ordered another PPV or bought another DVD. I had kicked the habit, or so I thought.

    I was still writing columns, though I'd curbed my schedule to a point where I wrote very sporadically(I got talked back into writing regularly again in late 2006). I'd download the weekly telecasts tostay caught up on what was happening in WWE and TNA. If a PPV didn't sound too horrible, I'd download the matches that got the better reviews. The problem was this had all become a new habit in and of itself. I wasn't loving wrestling the way I had years before. I was just including it as part of my routine. I never considered the worth of keeping pro wrestling in my life until this year. I finally reached a tipping point in how much time and energy I was willing to afford it all.

    The tipping point came when I noticed the card for this year's WrestleMania. It was just so average, I had trouble distinguishing it from the plethora of PPVs on WWE's event calendar. WrestleMania was supposed to be the “granddaddy of them all,” yet their biggest selling point was Donald Trump. A real estate tycoon was the WrestleMania moment for 2007. Had WWE removed him from the card, the event would have been nearly identical to everything else they'd produced recently. It's always said how wrestling's popularity is full of peaks and valleys, how it's a cyclical industry. It makes sense in a way, as I recall those days in the early 90s when a midget blew up Sting's speedboat and Papa Shango cast a voodoo spell on the Ultimate Warrior, and there's no arguing that those days were at the bottom of a valley. But, the present was becoming glaringly apparent as the new valley, and I was at a loss to see a light at the end of the tunnel this time. Before this summer, I figured there had to be one and I was willing to give WWE and TNA the benefit of the doubt.

    In late spring, I was feeling creatively drained. I came to the conclusion there was simply too much clutter around me and I needed a sabbatical. I decided I would take a summer vacation of sorts. I had been on a detoxification diet years before to weed out any potential allergies, and figured I could use a similar approach to my daily life. Writing was my primary focus and I wanted to create an environment which would encourage my ability to learn and practice the craft. With so many distractions and hindrances in my life, I needed to take account of what was important. Television and internet were the two biggest distractions it turned out, so they ended up being the first to get cut. That meant no more wrestling and no more LoP for the entire summer. With the atrocious state WWE and TNA were in heading into summer, I had a good feeling I wasn't going to miss much, and the time away would give me something to look forward to in the fall.

    I was only right on one count. After only a week of what might be considered withdrawal symptoms from being without an online presence or access to television, I found myself not missing the weekly grind of sports-entertainment at all. The only thing which sparked my curiousity through my entire sabbatical was the news of Chris Benoit killing his wife and son before taking his own life. And the only reason that news struck me the way it did was because, up to that point, Benoit had been my all-time favorite wrestler since 1997. His matches were one of the very few silver linings stitched into the fabric of WWE's product. With him gone, I realized there wasn't much of anything to keep my love for wrestling alive.
    What few truly talented wrestlers I enjoy watching perform have been meandering in the midcards of WWE and TNA with hardly any creative direction. And that speaks to the product as a whole for both promotions. I remember literally shaking my head in disbelief reading or watching one asinine storyline after another. Wrestlers who seemed to be on the cusp of making something of themselves would suddenly get their feet chopped out from under them. Gimmicks, storylines, and feuds would all end up trailing into one another, or they'd get cut abruptly in favor of something new without the slightest consideration of continuity or reason. Mind you, being critical of, and often times negative about, pro wrestling is part-and-parcel with being a mark these days, but I just didn't see anything to cheer on. I'd already refused to give WWE or TNA any more of my money until they could produce something worthwhile, so it didn't make any sense to give wrestling any more of my time. The world of professional wrestling I had fallen in love with as a child was gone and apparently it was coming back.

    When I reactivated my satellite service at the start of October, I decided to check out WWE and TNA one more time, just on the off chance I might see something to keep me chugging along as a fan. I was sorely disappointed, while at the same time reaffirmed in my convictions, to learn of the happenings over the summer. The Great Khali was World Champion, “Pac-Man” Jones was in TNA as a tag-team champion, “Jackass” faced Umaga at SummerSlam, and so on and so on. What lingering hope I had for professional wrestling sighed it's last breath. There was no way I could justify being a fan of a product I no longer respected, let alone admired. Even in the early 90s, I could call myself a fan without a hint of shame, but not it's 2007 and I can't bring myself to continue watching what has become a humorless parody of itself.

    And, so ends one more wrestling fan's existence after a quarter century's worth of good times and bad. I've had a decent run, and I'll certainly dwell on the happier memories wrestling has given me. It's funny, as I always pictured myself as a lifer – one of those grizzled old guys sitting in their rocking chairs, yelling at the television, clambering for “The Bruiser” to club “The Butcher” with a steel chair. It's a shame really, and some might say I'm abandoning wrestling when it needs fans most, but the truth is I only gave on wrestling after those in charge gave up on the fans by becoming too complacent and short-sighted to resurrect their dying product. I may well be off base in my attitude and things will turn around, giving me and the multitude of fans before me who jumped ship a reason to hop on the bandwagon one more time. If pro wrestling is anything like prime-time television though, my expectations are infinitesimal.

    For the fans who remain, I almost envy you ... almost.

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by Jules

    Pulp Wrestling- Eye Of The Tiger

    "There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. Then the rest of them who have to piss on the electric fence and find out for themselves. "

    Will Rogers (paraphrasing)

    Somewhere in the tangled jungle of our minds lurks a tiger, slowly but surely stalking its prey. With each subtle movement it gives the illusion of being in complete control, just beyond that illusion, inside the very core of the tiger though is a passion, a hunger for blood, and sustenance that goes beyond anything else it may have on the agenda. At once it seizes the moment and lunges out at the target, with clocklike precision it strikes and brings it down.

    All the subtle movements, skilled precision and cunningness that was used to corner the prey is then thrown out into the wind, as the tiger lets loose its sheer primal rage on the unfortunate victim its acquired. With great ferocity it rips into the flesh and bones of its prey, tearing it down to nothing. If you had been looking at the tiger in question during this act you’d have seen it at its most primal state, that of the devourer. If you had seen it during the hunt however, you would have seen it in a completely different light.

    If you had any sense whatsoever though, you’d know better than to stray into its jungle, at any time, regardless of how cute and cuddly it looks to the naked eye.

    The above paragraphs perfectly describe the act of a predator during the hunt. It’s also the basis for an often used figure of speech that gets thrown around a lot by athletes, coaches, and trainers in all walks of life. Best known for its use in the awesome theme song from Rocky III, the ‘Eye Of The Tiger’ has come to mean an all encompassing look in one’s eye that signifies, crazed passion, unreasonable drive, insatiable hunger, that classic ‘killer instinct’ and a few other extreme adjectives all simultaneously. It’s a look that’s often sought after but only rarely seen.

    Some of my favorite performers of all time as far as wrestling is concerned have been men who not only had this look, but embodied those attributes. Men like Randy Savage, Jake Roberts, Steve Austin, Eddie Guerrero, Brian Pillman, and countless others that I’m probably forgetting right now. Sure all these men were good to great wrestlers and in ring performers, but the one thing that always separated them from everybody else that they faced was their eyes. Their external eyes told the entire internal story about what was going on beneath the exterior of said person.

    People can talk about precise delivery or amazing workrate all they want, but the one thing that has always drawn me in the most was neither of those things, it was the eyes of the performer. They say the eyes are windows into our souls. It’s the hardest part of our body to make lie. Hence that other classic song by ‘The Eagles’ called (You can’t hide your...) 'Lyin’ Eyes'. It may be a cliché, but often things get to be clichéd simply because they are true.

    I can easily manipulate most of my body parts, and my words for the most part. But the first thing that reacts outwardly to anything is always the eyes. When you think someone is lying to your face, you normally look them right in the eyes to see if they are or not. Likewise, in any and every emotion it is the eyes that always convey the most sincerity and volume. This is why I never got the argument about masks holding wrestlers back. As long as the eyes are visible, they still have the most vital piece of their body exposed. If they’re hiding their eyes though, it’s normally out of nervousness or a self conscious awareness.

    Take a look at Bret Hart’s early career. His original character was that of a cold calculating Hitman, yet when he spoke what was portrayed was a nervous shakiness that in no way corresponded with that kind of character. So what did he do? He put on a pair of cool looking shades and the problem was solved. By doing this he allowed himself to have a bit of privacy and space to grow in confidence. Sometimes people are not blessed with the ‘Eye of the tiger’ so they have to turn to whatever they can. In that way a wrestler using a mask that covers his eyes, is in a sense replacing his eyes with the eyes of the mask.

    If he can still use his body to tell the overall physical story then I don’t see how that should be limiting to his marketability or his ability to connect with the crowd. Besides, the fact is that sometimes modern audiences can be very vain in wanting to see faces just for the sheer sake of seeing faces. In a way, so to speak, we all wear masks one way or another; masked wrestlers just take it to the next level. Take me for instance; the computer screen that separates me from all of you is, in a sense, my mask. You can't physically see me (hopefully), but you can connect with my words nonetheless.

    Taking us back to the original topic though, when you look at the original list of men I mentioned, you’ll find in them all the traits I listed about this phenomenon.

    Randy Savage was the embodiment of crazy for an entire generation of wrestlers and wrestling fans alike. Just one look into his eyes (when they weren’t being covered with massively preposterous shades) revealed a glimpse into the madness (pardon the pun) of his soul.

    This was not a faked madness either, for a look at his actual life reveals a story of someone who was himself dedicated beyond what most people would consider an acceptable degree. Early in his life he played minor league baseball, as a right hander. Unfortunately for him he suffered an injury to his right shoulder that prevented him from using it. So what did he do? The sensible thing would have been to simply call it a career and just accept the hand fate had dealt him. But instead, his passion for baseball was so strong that he spent the entire off season tirelessly learning how to throw with his left hand.

    Brian Pillman likewise in his pre-wrestling career played pro-football as a nose tackle, a position unheard for a man of his size. The toughness and tenacity required of him to do something like that is almost unfathomable to most. The reason for him doing it was that he was consumed, heart , mind and spirit with a deep desire to do what he loved. It was that same desperate drive that would lead him to a legendary career in pro-wrestling, and tragically also, to an early demise. Lastly there was Steve Austin, a man who became a household name because of his intense drive.

    His early days as Stone Cold were saturated with the kind of unapologetic ambition and determination that would go on to make him a legend. It was that same passion that led him to wrestle for years after a neck injury that by all means should have put him out for good. Those who think just anyone could have pulled off that role in the Attitude Era, are sadly, sadly mistaken. These examples show exactly the kind of insanity I’m talking about, which speaks as to why so few are seen as having this ‘Eye of the tiger’ condition. Seriously, after reading these stories, who would want it?

    On the outside these men all seemed to be in control. Which is what made their matches so crisp, but on the inside the same thing that helped them attain that kind of needle like precision, is also what ultimately lead to their machine gun like tempers and uncontrollable personalities. Take a look at some of the greatest ‘talkers’ of all time. If you look beyond those like Ric Flair and The Rock who just exuded ‘coolness and charisma’ you’ll find mostly men like Steve Austin, Randy Savage, Jake Roberts and Brian Pillman. These men were off the wall loose cannons. (Albeit all in their own unique ways...)

    They were not defined by catch phrases, or simple sayings. They were their personas. It was not an act, more so than a simple exaggeration of self. In my own life I have always strove to have these traits. To be the man that when he speaks, everyone listens, that just like the tiger in the jungle, has a presence that evokes danger, mystery and excitement. The problem with all of that is that in the real world, such people are not given the same mythic like status as pro-wrestlers with those traits. They are instead, locked in insane asylums or thrown into prisons, or worse yet are seen shirtless on an episode of Jerry Springer raving on and on like a lunatic.

    This is just another one of the endless reasons I love wrestling. It gives applause to the kind of people who would generally only be met with fear or misunderstanding. It’s a place for social rejects of all kinds to come and be welcomed, whether they’re passionately driven individuals, or just flat out psychopaths. And before I go any farther, yes there is a difference, which is why I didn’t mention every dumbass who had balls enough to stick his dick into a chainsaw’s grasp and call it ‘wrestling’ in this column.

    So how can we as regular everyday people capture this ‘Eye of the tiger’? We can’t. It is not a thing which can be possessed by human beings. It is only a thing that can possess us. You see, in order to gain this kind of drive, you must disconnect yourself from every single logical thought you ever had. Everything you thought was impossible is now possible, if you are willing to make it so. Such courage and passion does not come at an easy price though. Often times the luminaries of our great pastime who’ve been possessed by the aforementioned qualities end up in less than desirable situations themselves.

    It should serve as a warning to everyone though, by looking at the lives of those who’ve gone before us that we need not make those same mistakes ourselves. Although, distressingly there are bound to be many more in the future who will repeat them. This is why, while I admire this attribute, I also fear it. I don’t want to become one of those people so driven by their passion that I wind up in the cemetery because of it. I’d very much like the ability to say I did and have it be true, but the simple fact is compared to the men listed above, I am a gutless coward.

    This is why I write about wrestling instead of actually getting in the ring and risking my own neck. Through this I can attain a very small glimpse, an infinitesimal portion of the adrenaline that must go through an actual wrestler’s mind when he is in the throes of performance. Sure it’s a far cry from the real thing, but then again, far less is required of me also. Perhaps you are different than I, and instead of hiding in fear from the tiger that pervades all of our minds begging us to come hither, you actively pursue it. If that is you, I wish you nothing but the best in terms of success and prosperity gained because of your unrelenting nature.

    Not every story of passion always comes to a fatal or otherwise tragic end. Sometimes, in the muck of sad songs, there is one or two who manage to survive the self-inflicted wrath of the road, both of wrestling and life in general. To those much credit must be given. If you’re like me however and simply enjoy sitting on the sidelines, then don’t fret. I didn’t mean to imply that we’re all cowards, we’re simply intelligent enough to know our limitations, and our reward is that we get to watch and enjoy the great feats brought about by those who are either not so physically limited, or just too crazy to give a damn.

    Whatever the case may be, may you go in peace, love and admiration of those who've gone before you after reading this column. If in any way while reading this you connected with the side of yourself that would really like to abandon fear and give your own dream a go, then I am unbelievably grateful to have been able to be a part of such a realization. If you just thought about some fond memories of days gone by, or even current history, then more power to you as well. For a wise man that was quoted at the beginning of this column once said, "We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." I think that describes me perfectly.

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally Posted by Uncle Joe

    The Non-Benoit Benoit Column

    You know, I'm sick of all these people whinin' and cryin' over the way Chris Benoit went all batshit crazy and killed his wife and son, and then the fucker offed himself. In our line of business, tragedies happen all the time. Just look at that here feller' Eddie Guerrero. Now that boy sure could wrestle, he could. But it was obvious to anyone from a mile away that he was on the juice. Now I tell you, I know that ain't the only thing that caused him to buy the farm, as I'm sure the booze and dope wasn't helping any. If anything, I reckon was the other stuff he was snortin', smokin', drankin' and injectin' that did him in. But that is beside my point here. When he died, everyone was up in arms about everything. At first, it was the initial shock of his passin': then everything about his past started to come to surface and we done have ourselves a split wall, if you weel. Some are in mournin' over one of wrestling's best, and others are condemning wrestling for driving a good man to his early death, arguably the best shape of his life, both physically and professionally.

    But you wanna' know what's my point? The point is, I'm pissed off, that’s what! How dare the media and all these pencil neck reporters deem this a "family tragedy" and some nonsense about this is the biggest shocker in the history of this god forsaken business we all love. How can people forget us? Our struggle with the business? Our fall from excellence to the pits of despair and death. Shocker? Man, to us, this is just another casualty, brother. Hell, I reckon to say that there Hart boy' death was more shockin', seein' as how it was an "accident" and all. Yes, it was a damned shame, seeing as how he could go in the ring and his workrate was exceptional, and he was clean by all accounts. Davey Boy Smith's death was also sad, but not shocking as it was obvious he was juicin' and taking drugs. Both deaths sad, but family tragedies? Far from it.

    But back to me, back to us: we were not only the biggest thing to happen to wrestling, but the best. Now take my dad, god bless his soul. The man was a star in college at good ole' Southern Methodist University. He was a real athlete, not these clowns you see in the ring today, and the man was as tough as nails. He even played on the Dallas Texans, as a pro. His first gimmick was nothing special back then, but somethin' that oughta 'cause a stir in the politically correct country. See he was one of those Nazi sympathizers, hell he even came to the ring with the Iron cross and goose step march. Man could my daddy sure draw heat there boy. Now my daddy wasn't only a man of the ring, but a man for the business, 'cause see, he was what you would call a promoter. He worked with the governing bodies of the most history laden organization in the history of professional wrestlin', the NWA. He was such a mind for the business, that he didn't even let a bicker within the NWA to deter him: he just formed World Class Wrestling, back home in good ol' Texas. What's even better? He decided to use us, his sons, to jump start the promotion and build it around us.

    Second to the table was my brother David, after my brother Jack Jr. He was the 2nd oldest among us six. Many people argue he was the one with the most charisma and fundamentally sound out of the family. We all figured he was dads’ favorite, since he was a basketball star and Lake Dallas High School, and received a scholarship to North Texas State University, but dropped to be in the business, around '77 or so, if I can recall. Anyways', the "Yellow Rose of Texas" didn't take long for him to move up the ranks, and he went on to have a prestigious career battlin' for the NWA Heavyweight Championship, with the likes of Ric Flair and Harley Race. Hell, when it wasn't for the title, he and Kev went on to wrestle such legends as Brusier Brody, John Studd, Ernie Ladd and the such. Hell in his first match with Gary Hart, he did the unthinkable and beat him in under 5 minutes, and subsequently bringin us into the feud where Hart would try to bring everyone under the sun to drive us outta town'.

    Hell, too bad David never went on to win the big one, but that didn't stop him. He won many tag and singles titles. I remember his first victory; David and Kevin defeated Bruiser and Gino Hernandez for the American Tag Team titles. Two years down the line, he won the Texas State Heavyweight title from the same Hernandez. If I recall correctly, him and David went on to grab the U.S. Tag Team Titles; the World Class Tag Team titles; and the All-Asian tag team belts, being held by the very good team of Shohel "Giant" Baba and Jumbo Tsuruta. They then went on to feud with the Freebirds over the World-Class six man titles, as the titles would so happen to switch back and forth between the teams several times. Damn reminiscin' about the good ole' days almost brings a tear to my eye.

    He then went on to defeat Flair for the Missouri State Heavyweight Championship in '83, all the way 'til January 6th, 1984, when he was beat by Harley Race in St. Louis. He then went on to beat David O' Hannon, in '79, at his only Madison Square Garden appearance. He then made a not-so-famous quote that made everyone back home proud to be a Texan: "wrestling in the Garden is the thrill of a life time, but I have to admit that I’m looking forward to getting back home to Texas. I’m a Lone Star cowboy at heart!". There weren't many people built like David, and damnit if there still aren't. It still shocks me to think that he died while on tour in Japan, back in 74'. But, there were rumors it wasn't an infection that did him in, that it was the drugs and booze, but that Bruiser hid the evidence. Hell, Flair even acknowledged that's what really happened, but no one truly knows.

    Now Mike was a different apple from the same tree, if you get what I mean. Unlike the rest of us, he didn't wanna be in the business. He wasn't a natural athlete like me and Kevin and dad and the rest of us. He wanted to play the guitar and get away from the business. Another secret was that he didn't want to enter the business because he was naturally shy and not as big as Kerry, Kevin or David, as it showed in his ring skill and his mic time. But damnit if the boy wasn't a true Von Erich and worked harder and harder, and in time he did get better. But I still remember the day he was rushed to the hospital. I remember when I got the call, I rushed to the hospital to find out what happened. Allegedly, my brother had a case of what you would call "Toxic Shock Syndrome", which is basically a form of staph infection. I remember thinking to myself, "god first David, now Mike". But goddamit he pulled through. But after he was so close to death and laughed in it's face, he climbed into a sleeping bag and overdosed on prescription pills.

    Probably out of all of us, Chris may not of had the biggest frame, but he had the biggest heart. The fact that he was born with asthma and his growth was stunted at 5'5 didn't stop him from entering the ring. Too bad he was in the era where big, giants roamed the ring. But who can you blame him? He wanted to carry on the family legacy. And after a few feuds with The Freebirds and Gen. Scandar Akbar, it was painfully obvious Chris just wasn't cut out to be a wrestler. He took his own life, never even seeing the age of 25. I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact that he thought he let down the family name, or that he couldn't fulfill his dream, maybe it was the death of Mike and David, or probably all 3 that caused him to commit suicide. Rest In Peace, Mike.

    But that wasn't the end of the horror, not even close there fella'. Kerry, who was NWA champ, WWF Intercontinental champ among other titles he held, went to a quiet place on the ranch, sat down on his favorite rocker, shot and killed himself. Probably due to the fact that he had to do a mandatory jail sentence for drug possession and forging prescriptions while on probation. That and the fact that he hated the business for taking him away from his baby girl, his marriage fallin' apart and that he lived his life on the edge. What’s worse off, dads wife left him, blaming him for my brothers deaths. But in '97, the hardest thing I had to do was watch my father die by my side, due to lung cancer that spread to his brain. Now for me? I walked away from the business as soon as I could. I had to, for me, for my family, for wrestling.

    But another reason I'm pissed is the lack of respect we get in terms of dynastic sense. Everyone always seems to refer to the samoans as one of the best families in all of wrestling, seeing as how Yokozuna, The Rock, Rocky Johnson, Chief Peter Maiavia, Rikishi, Rosey and Jamal and old Superfly himself came from the same family. But none of those island freaks could touch me or any of my brothers inside that damned ring. They were a dynasty, due to the fact that so many of them were wrestlers, but just because there's a bunch of them doesn't mean they're a great wrestling family. Hell, if Jack Brown had 7 boys and they all played professional baseball but are bench players, people wouldn't say "hey that's a great baseball family", they'd say "oh wow they just happen to be good enough to ride the bench". Now look at the Hart's.

    The patriarch was Stu Hart, and that sum' bitch was good and tough as nails. Then he went on to produce Bret and Owen, with Jim "The Anvil" and Davey Boy Smith followin' 'em. The Hart Foundation is what they were called, and that is a real wrestling family, but still had nothing on us. Bret being the most sound of them all, and still couldn't take any one of us on our bad day' I tell ya'.Hell, in all honesty, the only family who could even compete with us was the Guerrero family. Gory, Chavo, Eddie, Hector, Mando, Chavo Jr., they were not only great wrestlers, but great people. I tell ya', people from Texas are just great.

    When I clicked on the news, and saw what happened with Benoit and his family, I was saddened that wrestling has lost one of its brothers, but his family lost a son, uncle, cousin and brother, also. But I feel the disrespect when I see the so-called experts saying "Vince has to change the touring schedule or drug policies.". When you choose a line of work, you know the pros and the cons. If you're afraid of getting hit and concussed and possibly worse, don't plan to play pro football. If you're deathly afraid of heights, don't pursue being a welder or bridge worker. Drugs and steroids and the heavy schedule are part of the lifestyle that comes with wrestling. Trust me, I know. And while the rest of the country saw this as a tragedy, we saw this as just another casualty in our line of work. Would I change it if I could? Of course, but try shittin' in one hand and wishin' in the other: tell me which one fills up first. And if you don't believe me, ask about us.

    Benoit isn't the first, and won't be the last tragedy in the world of pro wrestlin'. He should not be the example of what happens in the darkside of the business; WE should be the cautionary tale. Benoit shouldn't be the example people think of when mental problems arise and things turn for the worse: WE should. The Hart's and the Guerrero's should not be considered the best wrestling families of all time: WE SHOULD. We're wrestling most infamous, forgotten family. But as much as a curse it is to bear our name, I'm proud of it. To all of our close friends and family, were the Adkisson's. But to you and people all around the world, we're the Von Erich's, wrestling's cursed dynasty.

    Kevin Von Erich


    Uncle Joe's Picks of the Week:

    In this section, I'll give you all some random pick of the week, whether they be old or new, music or food, and the topics and selections wont be the same 3, but there will always be 3 topics. Now on to the picks:

    Song of the week : Six by All That Remains.

    Now being an avid rap fan, having a rock song as my inaugural song of the week pick is rather strange, but the song is rather good. I'm not going to pretend to be a critic and tell you about the riffs or the drum solos, but damn it the song is good.

    Color of the week : Burgundy

    Not only is it a fashionable color, but it's also a very relaxing color, as it's less frantic then red but less depressing then black.

    Wrestling Match of the week : Sting v. DDP , Monday Nitro

    Now I know there's already a few on here doing the match of the week thing, so no disrespect to those here, just wanted to showcase this match as it is a personal favorite of mine. I'll even provide you guys the link.


    Thanks to all for reading my columns and I promise to try harder on the next effort. Laters.

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted on the LOP main page in 2001, by The Governor

    Is Booker T A Legitimate Force In WWF?

    by The Governor, August 31, 2001.

    In all fairness to the WWF creative team, the current feud between Booker T and The Rock is pretty much lackluster. What should have been an explosive epic between the two most energetic wrestlers from their respective promotion has turned into a farce. The Rock, an established WWF superstar has received the majority of the emphases. Since his WWF debut, Booker T has simply established his love for the word, "sucka" and the "Spinaroine". Something needs to be done in order to spark interest in the feud before it is too late. With this is mind, I will toss my hat into the circle and try my hand as a member of the WWF creative team.

    I initially did not know to establish Booker T as a legitimate threat considering he has been beaten battered and belittled by The Rock countless times since their feud began. With relatively few exceptions, The Rock has always gotten the best of Booker T. I soon realized in order to establish Booker T as a threat, we would have to visit his past.

    On the opening segment of Raw, Booker T walks to the ring alone, without
    Shane McMahon. As Jim Ross begins to speculate on the absence of Shane, Paul Heyman removes himself from the announce table and steps into the ring with Booker T and grabs the mic. Heyman cuts to the chase and begins to sing the praises of Booker T and how much he means to The Alliance. A poised and focused Booker T remains in the background, silent. As excepted, The Rock's music hits and Rocky stands upon the stage but before he can get a word out Heyman cuts him off.

    Heyman begins to rip into the Rock and spouts out some pretty harsh comments that seem a little too real. He brings up the fact The Rock won the IC title on his very first night in the WWF and alludes to the fact that Vince McMahon has groomed him to be a great champion in the WWF. Rocky gets on the mic and proclaims that he is a time 4 WWF tag team champion, 2 time WWF IC champion, 6 time WWF champion to which Heyman has a good laugh. Rock then points out that he is the current WCW champion, which infuriates Heyman.

    Rock makes his way down to the ring, when out of no where Rhyno lays him out with a gore, which sparks Chris Jericho to the action. Backstage, Regal confirms the main event for Raw to be Rock/Jericho vs Booker T/Rhyno. Later that night during a bizarre backstage segment, Rhyno busts into The Rocks dressing room and the two take the fight out into the hallway. While officials try to break up the fight, Booker T sneaks into The Rocks lockeroom with a gold object in his hand.

    Before the main event Michael Cole interviews Jericho and The Rock with WCW title in hand. As expected, The Rock takes the WCW title and proceeds to tell Booker T and Rhyno what he's going to do with his title. The Rock takes the title and shines it up, when Jericho reaches over and stops The Rock and points out that the name plate on the WCW title reads, Booker T. The Rock is furious and storms to the ring.

    The match goes back and forth, just when The Rock sets up for the Rock
    Bottom, Stevie Ray runs in from the crowd and hits Rock with the Slap Jack.
    Booker T picks up Rock and delivers the Book End and gets the easy 1-2-3.
    Raw goes off the air with Booker T standing over The Rock with the WCW title in hand.

    On SmackDown! Stevie Ray walks down to the ring and proclaims that he will assume the announcing duties of Jim Ross and Michael Cole whenever Booker T has a match. He calls himself "The Peoples Announcer" and assures everyone that he will use a house microphone in order for the entire arena to hear his play by play and not just the people watching on UPN. Booker T makes his way down to the ring and says a few words, when Edge and Christian hit the ring and begin to talk trash about "Harlem Heat". Booker T and Stevie Ray challenge E&C to a match, but instead Christian volunteers Edge to fight Booker T in a one on one match.

    During the match, Stevie Ray replaces Michael Cole and does play by play with Tazz. Stevie Ray is heard over the arena PA system and busts out the every popular phrase, "Suckas gots to know". Christian steps on the apron and while it looks like he is going to cost Edge yet another match, The Rock runs down and begins to pummel Booker T, giving Edge the victory.

    The following week on Raw, Booker T along with Shane McMahon make their way down to the ring and Shane announces that he has a special surprise for Booker T. Booker T, still focused and directed is told to look at the entranceway under the TitanTron. Stevie Ray makes his way down to the ring with 5 duffel bags in hand and steps in the ring. Shane takes a duffel bag and reveals that is holds a replica of the WCW United States championship belt, juts like the US title he held in WCW. He opens another bag and finds 6 replicas of the WCW Television title, one for each reign he had in WCW.

    He empties two more bags and on the floor are 10 WCW tag titles. And lastly he opens the remaining bag and it has 5 WCW championship belts in it. Booker T, Shane and Stevie Ray raise the titles and proclaim that at
    Unforgiven, Booker T will add one more WCW championship title to his resume.

    For the remaining days leading up to the PPV, Booker T and Stevie Ray will
    carry all of the WCW replica titles with them while Stevie Ray will continue
    to announce all of Booker T's matches. This gives some much needed punch to the Rock/Booker T feud and solidifies in the eyes of WWF fans that Booker T is a legitimate force in the WWF.

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by Aisce and featuring 8 other columnists. Unfortunately the illustrations are lost but this still warrants saving.

    The Nine Circles of Hell
    Canto I

    Welcome to the three part Nine Circles of Hell column. I am your guide, in place of Virgil (no, not that one), for this endeavour.

    All the illustrations are by William Blake.

    The Divine Comedy begins with the narrator in a Dark Wood, for he has lost his way. This has often been interpreted as representing the, perhaps suicidal, despair of the narrator. By undertaking his journey through Hell, Purgatory, and finally Paradise, his perspective his restored and his faith renewed. There may have been times, when perusing the Columns Forum, that you, gentle reader, may have been tempted towards despair. By presenting you with these excellent pieces of writing, I hope to show that such a feeling is not always warranted, and that this place is blessed with both a variety and abundance of talented writers.

    So let us pass through the gates into that dolorous city and greet those first of the denizens of Hell which we are to encounter: those who could not accept the divine.

    The pagan poets by the wood

    The First Circle: Limbo
    by X-Factor

    “Let us go on, for the long way impels us."
    Thus he went in, and thus he made me enter
    The foremost circle that surrounds the abyss

    In the first circle, also referred to as limbo, resides the unbelievers and the virtuous, who, while not sinful, did not accept Christ. As well, this is also where those who lived before the coming of Christ also resided. As such, they did not pay fitting homage to the deity. In the limbo of professional wrestling sits those who do not believe in the almighty Supreme Being known as Vincent Kennedy McMahon, as well as those who lived and performed before the creation of McMahonism.

    That they sinned not; and if they merit had,
    'Tis not enough, because they had not baptism
    Which is the portal of the Faith thou holdest;

    And if they were before Christianity,
    In the right manner they adored not God;
    And among such as these am I myself.

    Those who live in limbo have not necessarily sinned, but find themselves in this circle of hell due to their disbelief. They do not accept the beliefs and values thrust upon them, and as such find themselves in the unenviable position of being on the outside. Many in the world of professional wrestling have found themselves in this position. Whether it was the Ultimate Warrior, who believed he was bigger than God, or if it was Bruno Sammartino, who came before God, the end result is the same. Neither of them necessarily sinned, even though it could be argued otherwise. However, both were left in professional wrestling limbo, with little outlet to state their case.

    For such defects, and not for other guilt,
    Lost are we and are only so far punished,
    That without hope we live on in desire."

    Those who are considered unbelievers are not punished in an active sense, but grieve in their separation from God, without any hope of reconciliation. Dante describes limbo as a place of peace in which virtuous unbelievers reside. It is a place of happiness, but it is closed off from God and thus, is considered to remain in hell. Thus the guiltless damneds are punished by living in their deficient form of heaven. Their fault was that they lacked faith — the hope for something greater than rational minds can conceive.

    In the world of professional wrestling, the punishment in limbo is unlike the punishment in any other circle. The unbelievers are not actively punished through the consistent jobbing to Funaki or Barry Horowitz, nor are they punished through ridiculous storylines of necrophilia. The damned in the first circle of hell are punished by being separated from their peers. The need for attention and the availability of an outlet are the most important aspects for a professional wrestler, and removing these items would be considered the gravest punishment. The punishment bestowed on these sinners by the Lord Almighty is to never be recognized again. Their names are not mentioned, their accolades are not revered and any reconciliation is non-existent. All that is left for them is their personal self-belief, the same thing that placed them into the first circle.

    The first group of sinners who are punished for a wilful choice to sin may be found in the Second Circle. Here those who have succumbed to lust are doomed to spend eternity as a whirlwind of lost souls.

    The whirlwind of souls

    The Second Circle: Lust
    by aisce

    A large part of the despair felt by Dante at the beginning of the Divine Comedy is as a result of his separation for his departed true love, Beatrice. The difference between love and lust is clear. Lust is an immoderate emotion: it causes people to be capricious and to make unwise decisions. Yet their presence in the Second Circle, and the relative mildness of their punishment shows that, even to the Medieval mind, lust is one of the more understandable of human sins. The story of the adulterous relationship between Paolo and Francesca is presented in a touching, almost sympathetic way.

    Lust has shown itself in many varied but predictable forms within the world of pro-wrestling. From Randy Savage’s alleged deflowering of an underage Stephanie McMahon, to the infamous Chyna-X-Pac sex tape, to tales of which diva has been doing the rounds this year. However, rather than tread a path that the reader knows only too well, I would like to reserve this Circle of Hell, not for those guilty of locker-room lasciviousness but for you, the wrestling audience.

    For Vince McMahon is convinced, and doubtless his demographic work-ups support the belief, that you, the viewer, is consumed by lust. You can be motivated to swell the audience figures and cough up cash come Pay Per View time based partially on your insatiable desire for tits and ass. Because of you Johnny Ace searches for talent in the sticky pages of his collection of lingerie catalogues; because of you, the Women’s Title will be contested, not between Molly Holly and Victoria, but between Ashley and Melina; because of you, we are treated to the annual skank ho-down that is the Diva Search.

    But your crimes reverberate farther still. All the while that WWE is convinced that doe-eyed fluffers will bring home the ratings bacon, the company remains stuck in a kitsch niche, a retro ghetto. Neither hardcore enough to satisfy the jaded porn connoisseur, not demure enough to avoid the approbation of ‘family viewing’ pressure groups, the WWE’s resident eye-candy is reminiscent of nothing so much as the scantily-clad dancers which were used to fill in segments in ‘50’s style variety shows. The WWE, however, thinks that you can’t get enough of this, and every time the audience figures peak during a Diva Search segment, you prove them right.

    And the price you pay for becoming the lowest common denominator that must be pandered to? As you whirl incessantly in ever-lasting torment, you may feast your eyes, not on a never-ending succession of pneumatic, surgically-enhanced bimbo blondes, but on the sight of a tag-team match featuring Billy and Chuck versus The Heart Throbs. Will there be a lot of rest-holds? Oh yes, there will be many, many rest-holds. Some, in the immortal words of Jim Ross, may even be ‘modified’.

    Not everyone takes their sensual pleasure by way of lust. As we move to the Third Circle, we may feast our eyes upon the gluttonous: those whose voracious consumption is taken to sinful heights. In The Divine Comedy, these sinners are guarded by Cerberus, the three-headed dog of the Underworld and forced to lie in mud and eat their own waste. Could it be that an even worse fate awaits the gluttons of the wrestling world?

    Cerberus guarding the gluttons

    The Third Circle: Gluttons
    by therik

    Who are the gluttons in the wrestling world? Vince McMahon, the chairman whose only motivation is financial? No, avaricious though he may be, Mr. McMahon is not a glutton. What about HHH, with an insatiable appetite for Championships? Nay, this is simple greed, monumental and detrimentally egotistic though it may be. Then surely Hulk Hogan - a man who parsimoniously and unnecessarily looks to boost his own reputation, invariably at the expense of those who need it more. Surely, he at least is a glutton? Negative. Hogan is many things, but a glutton he is not.

    And those who are gluttons for punishment? Well, they have their own circle of Hell, and do not reside here.

    Those who inhabit this circle of Hell are, in fact, not wrestlers.
    Instead, they are the ones who feed on them. Those who would gulp down a wrestler's pain, swallow his efforts, dine on his passion, and slake their thirst with his blood, and then belch, and demand more.

    Those in torment here are those who are known on Earth as smarks. Not all smarks come here, many make their way to purgatory or heaven, but there are enough mean spirited, insatiable gluttons to keep this circle of Hell busier than perhaps any other, certainly over the last 5 years.

    The dawn of the information age and the internet has brought about many things in the world of wrestling. Not only an insight into its true nature, and a forum to discuss this with others from around the world, but it opens the doors to new horizons of wrestling, all of it readily available at the snap of a finger, or the click of a mouse.

    Why then, should we ever be satisfied? This is the creed of the glutton, who consumes delicacies from all over the wrestling world, and yet in each and every one of them he sees some fault. He expects better. What used to satiate him years ago is criticised, the effort of those involved ignored, because he has sampled a superior product at some previous moment in time, and those who satisfy themselves with the simple pleasures in wrestling life are mocked and derided for this, and instructed to undertake an education in the finer flavours of wrestling.

    Yes, the glutton is a miserable individual, and yet this is also partly his punishment. As one who eternally seeks something better, his life is consumed by the hunt. He becomes obsessed with the sport of wrestling, and yet will never be satisfied. His entire life will revolve around the sport of kings, leaving room for nothing else. He will be fed matches and shows until his mind is ready to explode, and then some. And yet, none of these will reach the criteria which he has set for them, and his search will carry on for all eternity, never bringing him happiness, never satisfaction, only disappointment.

    Consider the punishment delivered.

    And so concludes the first part of our journey into Hell. Thank you for reading.

    Now go and re-behold the stars.

    The Nine Circles of Hell
    Canto II

    Welcome to part two of the three-part Nine Circles of Hell column. I am still your non-wrestling, non-Thunderbirds Virgil, guiding you through this visit to the damned.

    One of the often overlooked aspects of Dante’s Divine Comedy is the way in which it is used to comment on contemporary Florentine politics. During the Fourteenth Century, the governing elite of the City-State of Florence was split into two factions: the White Guelphs who favoured independence and the Black Guelphs who wished to cede control to the Pope. Dante being amongst the losing, White Guelph, faction he was forced into life-long exile. In many parts of the Divine Comedy, he allegorises his situation and that of the city of his birth.

    Backstage politics, of course, play a large part in the directions and decisions which are taken within pro-wrestling organisations. Indeed, there are times when nepotism and intrigue are so pervasive as to make the Renaissance Papacy appear to be more like a hippy commune by comparison. Personal ambition, ego, and an acquisitive drive are common factors of the sins which are explored in this section of Wrestling Hell. So, without further ado, let us descend once more into the Inferno and witness the sufferings of still more transgressors.

    Plutus guarding the Fourth Circle

    The Fourth Circle: Material Greed
    by sheepster

    So, here we are in the Fourth Circle. Stop at this level for punishments regarding hoarding or squandering of material goods. I know you probably might have been expecting to see Plutus, but he's not here right now. He has an appointment with the opticians, so you're stuck with me. Sheepster.

    If it's material goods you want, there's no better place to look than WWE. All the best characters are based around money. But having money is an absolute cardinal sin when it comes to wrestling. Money, as they say, is the root of all evil. And now these evil characters are parading around in front of you poor people (who are even poorer for having paid to watch them), and they're flaunting their money, which you don't have and probably never will. It makes the fans resent them. These people almost deserve to be held in the fourth circle of Hell.

    Nitro and Melina are socialites who hang around with the rich and famous. Hunter Hearst Helmsley was once the attentively-alliterated blue-blood. King Booker is now a king with a crown, an awesome sceptre and dominion over all. John Bradshaw Layfield stopped drinking beer and gambling, became a virtuoso stock-broker and made millions by investing. Then, of course, there's the ultimate self-made billionaire who has money to burn. Vincent Kennedy McMahon. All these people are understood to have money, power and a wealth of material goods. And all of these people either hoard it, or flaunt it. Boy, will they get a surprise when they get here.

    According to this note left by Plutus, he usually gets the hoarders to push a great weight against the heavy weight of the flaunters. "After the weights crash together the process starts over again". I don't know about you lot, but I didn't catch a word of that. Those freaks over in the third circle got an awesome punishment from Rik, so I'm setting my own one here. Hmm. Hoarding or squandering material goods.

    Right. From now on, anyone found to be hoarding or squandering material goods will be forced to give up everything they own. They will wear nothing but burlap sacks for eternity and be forced into a life of servitude. They will eat nothing but three-day-old, laxative-laced burritos, bought from cheap and nasty convenience stores. Drinks shall be provided by a stagnant pool of water in their bed chambers. Speaking of beds, they're not allowed to use them. Within five minutes of falling asleep, they shall be woken by one of the 783 bells in their room; each one corresponding to one of their affluent but annoyingly charitable employees. They will wash fancy cars, limousines and jet planes without ever being allowed to use them. For these sinners, transport shall be provided in the form of bicycles. These bicycles will have one hexagonal wheel, one heptagonal wheel, dodgy handlebars, no brakes and no seat. Or they could choose to walk. In cheap shoes with no soles.

    And with this being the WWE, we add one final ingredient. The ultimate WWE-style insult to wealth and power. We cover them in excrement.

    One of the innovative aspects of the Divine Comedy was that Dante chose to write it in the dialect of his native Tuscany. As a result of the high-esteem in which the work was held, that dialect became the standard for all subsequent Italian literary efforts. As we enter the Fifth Circle, you should prepare for a writer who certainly has his own unique vernacular, and also to experience the unbearable lightness of beening.

    The wrathful and the sullen

    The Fifth Circle: the Wrathful
    by Dark Soul

    When it comes to wrestling no one has the abilty to project wraith like VKM . While guys like Donald Trump can act full of wrath at people like Rosie and seem to pull it off are they as good at it as say the chairmen of the board. Well it's something we will lean back and take a look into in this my peice of the ring of hell known as wrath.

    While some say that to piss off the boss is a sure fire way to be on the reciveing send of Vinces wrath. So one must ask what could produce such as occourance. Well we have some good examples of the levels that vince has gone to to show the world just how much of a tought son of a bitch he is. Guys from brock lesner to Eric B. have all felt his wrath in some way or another.

    Let's take a look into the brock lesner situtaion shall we. When brock left the WWE it was not on the best of terms. He left to go after a dream of his and play pro football. Now we all know how that ended up in it's giant flop that it was. But what happend to brock when he left? Well vince and company went to court to not only block him from doing any wrestling for ten pluse years but MMA as well. Why do you ask, well it is a clear cut case of the wrath of vince. Vince felt that brock had screwed him over. Taken his gift of fame and a bright feture and said fuck you to him. So vince did what any scorned person does and attempted to destroy lesner. Who knows how much money he spent on the court case or how it turned out. But in the end brock is no longer into the wrestling game. One must figure or I do at least that brock is not able to wrestle for money or for that matter wrestle in a pro sence at all in the US. While he did do a tenure in Japan one can see that he has never steped into a wrestling ring in the us ever since.

    Another good subject for us to take a look at is the Warrior. Yes the lunny that changed his name and goes buy warrior these days. And seince he loves to badmouth vince and company what did vince do? Well they put out this wonderfull DVD on the warrior that showed him in a light none of us would want. In fact it makes us question why any of us where fans of his back in the day. And it took charecter attacks to whole new level a level I have never seen in any WWE production ever.

    And wait you say what about eric b. Well lets look at what happned to him. Thrown into a trash truck on live tv. Made to be a lackey of vinces and report to the man he wanted to beat for years. In fact it is said that vince made eric very clear of his place in his company. Is it wrath or just showing what happens to those who lose to him? Well I for one say it is wrath and vengance that allowed vince to treat eric the waty he did.

    In fact as we look back through the years many many people have faced off with vince and lost. And he always seems to take it to another level. A level that few ever would or would want to go to. So what could be done to soften the anger of vince, what punshment would serve him the best you ask. Well I can think of a few and none of them are pretty. Vince could be made to be that guy that cleans up the ass crack of say ohh big keish. Or mabey he could be made to be that fellow forced to clean up after all the specal needs folks. In other words clean their diapers and change there beds. No offence to those that do such work but it would make vince ferious to do such things. How about a nice long jobbing streak to the likes of men like smackdowns number one announcer or scotty to hottie. I mean could anyone do stand the fact that they had to let scotty go over them nite after nite. No I don't think it would work well for man with the ego like vince. But the best idea I could come up with was this. Make him the spokesperson for adult diapers and viagra. After all haveing someone who says he is the gentic jackhammer,. And shows great pride in his loins have to do something as belittling as caliming he has to wear diapers and use drugs to get it up. Its hard to picture anyone beening able to take that kind of torment for long. After all for those who suffer from pride and wrath the wrost thing to do to them is make is self mockery.

    I hoped you liked my bit here and thanks to asice for allowing me to be a part of this wonderfull work.

    The Divine Comedy is so structured that, with each descent, a more terrible sin is depicted, and a more terrible punishment is inflicted upon the sinner. Such a progression inevitably disturbs and discomforts the reader, as is the case with the opening tableau, presented in our visit to the Sixth Circle.

    Dante meets the heretics Farinate and Cavalcante

    The Sixth Circle: Heretics
    by eldandy

    As we enter the sixth circle of wrestling hell, we notice that Stephanie McMahon and Johnny Ace are standing over those imprisoned in the fiery tombs of booking punishment. This is the final stop for Wrestling Heretics.

    These men and women spent their careers going against the grain, and producing wrestling that did not meet the standards and methods of the Great Vince McMahon. Their tombs are held in an area very similar to the writers’ room at WWE Headquarters in Stamford Connecticut. It is run by the WWE writing committee, who take direct orders from Vince McMahon, and will do whatever it takes to please him. Punishment for the offenders is to be encased in fiery tombs, repeating their own personal booking nightmares that live up to the standards of the taskmasters, McMahon and Ace.

    Offenders like Rey Mysterio are now eternally loosing non-title matches to the likes of Mark Henry and the Great Khali. Bret Hart, who tried to fight the system, and lost, is now loosing the WWE title in front of the entire nation of Canada, in a different Canadian City every single night. And Tommy Dreamer, who refused to “sell out” to the big two for years, will spend eternity loosing matches to guys with less talent, less experience, and less drive than he has, much like his entire WWE career.

    The centrepiece of the Sixth Circle holds wrestling’s two most notorious heretics, Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman, who opposed Vince McMahon for years, and nearly put him out of business by offering wrestling fans what Vince wasn’t offering. Bischoff is spending the remainder of time trying to rebuild a crumbling empire, with the pressures of a multinational conglomerate breathing down his neck, monitoring his every move, and questioning every decision he makes. To make matters worse, he is forced to work alongside Vince Russo, who refuses to listen to his advice, and won’t do what’s best for the company. What separates this from Bischoff’s last stint in WCW is that he can not quit, and the company will never actually fold. Instead, he is stuck in his own personal hell until the end of time.

    Heyman’s punishment may even be worse. Heyman made a name for himself by creating wrestling’s counter culture. Heyman’s fledgling ECW promotion gave wrestling fans a viable alternative to the lacklustre antics of the WWF, and the big money egos of WCW. ECW went places that professional wrestling had never been before, and Heyman was the brain behind the whole operation.

    Heyman’s benefit in ECW was that nobody could tell him what to do because he was the boss. Upon entering the WWE, and taking over the newly returned ECW, Heyman encountered something he never had before, creative control.

    Heyman’s booking methods were frequently opposed by the likes of Stephanie McMahon, and thus, Heyman was forced to change his style to fit the WWE’s mold, often at the expense of his friends, and loyal employees. When things in ECW didn’t go Heyman’s way, he walked out, and was forced to stay at home, unable to use his creativity. Heyman’s punishment for going against the wishes of Vince; he will now work with Johnny Ace and Stephanie McMahon on the ECW program, and be forced to job out his ECW alumni to wrestlers like Bobby Lashley, Elijah Burke, and Gene Snitsky in slow, plodding, and uneventful matches with absolutely no build-up or support from the rest of the WWE, dragging the name and legacy of his former company, which he has said that he loved like a child, through the mud.

    While the punishment to wrestling heretics may not seem as painful or rash as some of the other punishments taking place in wrestling hell, they attack the pride and dignity of these offenders, and that may be the most punishing thing of all. Wrestlers take what they do very seriously, and want to feel that what they’re doing has meaning and significance. To be punished in such a way that they are no longer doing what they love may be the worst punishment of all.

    And so ends the second part of our journey. Thank you for reading.

    No go once more, and re-behold the stars.

    The Nine Circles of Hell
    Canto III

    Welcome to the third and final part of the Nine Circles of Hell. It has been my pleasure to be your guide for this journey.

    As we make our descent and encounter the most vile sinners in pro-wrestling, please remember that the Inferno is only one part of The Divine Comedy (albeit the longest and the most famous). There is also Purgatory, where one can atone for past sins (here we may find Shelton Benjamin enduring a ten-thousand year long course in how to acquire and project a personality; whilst Ric Flair spends a similar amount of time having the concept of ‘quitting while you still have your dignity’ explained to him). Finally, there is the Paradise, where all of your favourite wrestlers and matches exist, giving you countless hours and entertainment. The best Pay Per View ever made.

    That is a tale for other writers and other days, however. For now, the final three Circles await.

    Virgil and Dante on the back of Geryon

    The Seventh Circle: the Violent
    by TheDiplomat

    The 7th circle. Where all the violent sinners of this world come to serve their time in Hell. One would expect most wrestlers to be in this part of Hell, but three sinners in particular have to suffer through their sentences here.

    If one were to travel in these parts in the future, he would first come across the River Phlegethon, where sinners have to kneel in the river of boiling blood to remind them of all the blood they poured during their human life. However, one man would be apart from the others, suffering a different treatment.

    The Immortal Hulk Hogan, the red-yellow-orange phenomenon, may have carried wrestling promotions on his back for many years. He was the figurehead of the WWF in its golden era, and helped carry WCW to victories with the nWo angle against his former employer. However, all the success Hogan had in wrestling finally got to his head after 20+ years of success. He was already known to have a lot of weight backstage, but in recent years had used his weight to have ridiculous outcomes in storylines. From going over Shawn Michaels and not allowing a return match where HBK could get his revenge, to defeating Orton in an angle that was solely created for the advancement of his daughter's career, Hogan has killed the image of the Immortal in our minds, and has made us suffer through useless/pointless storylines. He even killed any hopes of matches that fans dreamed about, such as him vs. Stone Cold or Big Show, and for that, he has to pay.

    After dying from too much fake sun tanning lotion, Hulk Hogan is condemned to spending his time in a soundless box, where he will never hear the chants of the crowd again.

    Moving down the river, the visitor would find the Wood of Suicides, where people who have willing harmed themselves in their lives spend their time being picked apart by Harpies, so they can never take a human form again. Among them, one would find the four faces of Foley, namely Mick Foley with Mankind's mask, Dude Love's bandanna, and Cactus Jack's t-shirt. There is no other man in the industry that has sacrificed themselves like Foley has. He has suffered through so much, but the people that took the blunt of the suffering was his family, who had to endure having their husband/father come home looking like a wreck. Yes, Mick Foley realized that he had to put a stop to it, and he eventually did.

    The main problem lies in the fact that he keeps... coming... back. Even after years of recognizing that he had done too much damage to his body, Mick Foley kept coming back for more. From his hardcore match with Randy Orton to his match with Ric Flair at the most recent Summerslam, without forgetting his WM23 flaming table spot with Edge, Foley is guilty of trying to kill himself every single time he stepped into the ring, just to please the fans. After dying some a stray chair shot, he will serve time in the seventh circle of Hell, where he will be whacked with a baseball bat until he cannot be recognized anymore.

    Finally, after the Wood of the Suicides, the visitor would come to The Abominable Sands, where those who have committed violence against God are tied to the ground and have fire rained upon them. Only one wrestler, other than the homosexual ones, suffers in this part of the circle: WWE's chairman, Vince McMahon.

    Vince has always considered himself as God. He tried to take God's powers in his hand to control Steve Austin. He joined forces with the Ministry of Darkness, who essentially represented Evil, in his fight for more power. He has too many members of the Kiss My Ass Club (one is too many). McMahon continues to this day to take on the role of God in his company, and this is considered as a great sin by Him.

    McMahon's most blatant offense is, of course, his match with his son Shane against HBK and God, himself. Or so he pretended. He mockingly said that God didn't come to save his follower, and that he never existed. He then proceeded to beat Michaels in the match, Everyone knows that God would never show up to such a blatant attempt at publicity on McMahon's part. Vince took advantage of the situation, and ridiculed God mercilessly. Because of this utmost blasphemy, McMahon, after dying from taking too many steroids, will be punished by lying in the sand with flaming dollar bills falling down on him for eternity.

    The final two Circles differ from those that have gone before, and are separated from them by a vast cliff. Whereas the first seven contained those who had succumbed to weakness and temptation, the Eighth and Ninth provide the eternal destination of those who made an active and conscious decision to sin.

    The Malebranche, who guard the corrupt

    The Eighth Circle: the Fraudulent
    by Nowthatscool316

    Hello everybody and welcome to my part in the column that is going to be called ‘Nine Circles of Hell’ First off, let me take this time to thank Aisce for letting me be apart of this column. My part of this column will deal with the sin of fraud as it relates to wrestling. First let’s define the word ‘Fraud’. Fraud is the crime or offense of deliberately deceiving another person in order to damage them, and usually, to obtain property or services unjustly. As everybody has thought, a lot of this goes on in wrestling.

    One of the people guilty of this in wrestling would be none other than Hulk Hogan himself. He has been guilty of fraud for years, using his ego and fame to get ahead of wrestlers that really deserve a chance at main eventing the major pay per views. For this reason he has politicked his way into getting matches he shouldn’t even have been in. Because, let’s face it, the guy has been washed up for years. But he keeps on getting the major matches and in doing that he has been fraudulently fooling WWE brass for years. He has used his former glories for personal gain, and he has hurt the wrestlers that deserve the shots by using his glory days to get shots he doesn’t deserve.

    Another example of fraud in wrestling would be none other then the WWE’s owner Vince McMahon. He has always used certain wrestlers as puppets. When it came time for them to get their big break he just buried them even faster then he built them. A good example of that would be Bret Hart. He used the whole Montreal Screwjob to make himself into the villain everybody knows him as today, and in doing so he embarrassed and humiliated one of his greatest superstars at the time in Bret Hart, which also buried Bret Hart’s career. After that Bret Hart was never as popular as he had been, and he was never the same. As Bret Hart’s career went down the toilet Vince McMahon’s legacy became legendary, and he has become one of the most hated and respected man in wrestling.

    Edge would be another example of a wrestler who is guilty of the sin of fraud. Because of his affair with Lita his career sky rocketed but it also caused Matt Hardy emotional and personal pain. Since then Edge has become one of the most hated heels on RAW, and maybe one of the most hated ever. But how did he achieve it? He committed fraud against Matt Hardy by lying to him and having an affair with Matt Hardy’s girl friend at the time, Lita.

    Now this is the fun part where I get to make each sinner suffer for their particular sin. For the sin of fraud I would make wrestlers cough up money every single minute of the day for the rest of their lives. That is how I would punish them, because all of these men have took money over the years that they did not deserve, and in doing so they have taken money other hard working wrestlers and promoters could have had if not for these particular wrestlers. Likewise, promoters wouldn’t have committed fraud if not for what these men have done in the past. In theory, all of this coughing up money every single minute of the day, would be a great way to punish the guys that made money they did not deserve.

    The Ninth Circle is for traitors. Those who betrayed someone or something to whom they had a special obligation of loyalty. Contrary to expectations, this region of Hell is not consumed by fire, but by ice. It is the coldest possible place, because it is the furthest possible distance from the Divine Light. At the centre stands a trapped and frozen three-headed Lucifer: the heads to the left and right chewing on the bodies of Brutus and Cassius, who betrayed Julius Caesar. In the central, most vicious mouth, the body of Judas Iscariot is perpetually consumed. It is now time to enter the final Circle, and to confront our wrestling Judas.


    The Ninth Circle: Traitors
    by Al Boo Boo

    Silent, with aisce in the ninth circle we travel,
    We see the worst of the worst.
    Those who felt the hardest of Satan’s gavel.
    Look around, we see the tortured by lava-burst.
    Aisce informs me that these are the lowest to fall,
    I question the validity of this statement, after all the pain we’ve witnessed.
    And lo’! There stood Mike Awesome, Mullet and All.

    “Hey Mike! Why are you here? So high on Satan’s shitlist.
    I see no reason for you to be so low.
    Many to get over you did assist.”
    He shook his head, and began to speak slow
    “I was not always honest, And sometimes I lied
    The biggest of all, was to a man named Paul,
    And it made me come here, come here when I died.
    I turned my back to he who gave me everything - name and all
    And went to WCW, the mainstream side.
    But I did so with the one thing that made it that much more odd
    And that was a World Title, the entity everyone strives for.
    And from ECW I went MIA, and went to the wrestling God
    His Name was Uncle Eric, and he opened his door.

    What was in store for me, I could not have predicted.
    They took me and stuck me, with a crappy gimmick.
    A loser from the seventies is who I depicted.
    So I wore the shirt, talked the talked, and all-around mimicked
    That which they told me, and the fans became addicted.
    I managed to get over, but it did not matter
    They kicked me down again,
    Further and further down the ladder.
    And in FMW I found a friend,
    And they treated me with respect.
    And they did there, until my end.
    And what a more fitting way to die, what did you expect?
    I took my own life, with a rope around my neck.
    I now sit here, ever looking for work,
    For no one wants to hire, he who is a jerk.

    I am doomed to search for work, Not even the indies I lurk.
    No booker will trust me, No friend puts in the good word
    I am forced to be hungry, and walk around hell perturbed.
    For I am a traitor, one to not be trusted.
    And for infinity I sit, My legacy passed down, forever entrusted.


    Firstly I would like to thank those who contributed to this column. It was a genuine pleasure to collaborate with all of you, and a privilege to read your work.

    Secondly, I would like to thank you for reading.

    Thirdly, my part in this enterprise is for KrazE. I am truly blessed in that my guiding light is also the very brightest of stars.


    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by Degenerate

    Struggle For Power #40 - Somewhere In The Columns Forum...

    What's up, good peeps of the Columns Forum? This is Degenerate here, with some sort of milestone this time around. Yep, this is my 40th column here in these forums. It's been a long time since I started here, and just to hit this number is very cool to me, considering that I haven't seen a whole lot of people do it. Of course, column numbers are over-rated, and all they do is add some extra pressure for you to perform. Still, knowing that I've been giving you people something to read forty times is great. So, I thank you all for always taking the time to read this, give your feedback, and making me feel like I belong here.

    I do have to add a disclaimer though. Even though this is number forty, I don't have anything special planned here. It'll be just another day at work. Of course, there's also the fact that this is my third Extreme Column Writing entry ever, and I've participated in all three. If you do the math, that means that I have lost in my first match of each of the previous two. You probably all know my story, though. Will I complete the trifecta and lose this match as well? I guess I'll know this Sunday night. In any case, I have a most worthy opponent, eldandy, who is very capable of defeating me. Hopefully his wife is a sex-crazed maniac and will take away all his free time, rendering his column useless. Hey, it's a win-win situation for both of us. Seriously though, I wish him the best of luck, and if he does get by me, I have no doubt he can go all the way.

    One last thing about this tournament before I start this thing. This is a complete shot in the vein of the Columns Forum. Last week there were so many columns to read that I didn't have any time to leave any proper feedback to any of them. But I truly enjoyed reading every single one of them. All of you guys in the first round did a truly great job with the subjects given to you, and those who went on to this round really deserved it. To those who didn't make it to the second round, I really hope that this gave you the boost needed to keep on writing. While this may be one of the few times I do this publicly, I thank Big Brother and any other organizer of this tournament for helping out in a time where we needed help the most. You guys totally rock.

    I rock too, no doubt about that. So let's get this thing rockin'!

    Current Romps

    * Raw was simply off the hook this week. At least in my opinion. I was waiting for some Survivor Series hype for weeks now. Although it came a bit late - six days before the actual event - it was good enough for me to seriously consider purchasing the Pay-Per-View myself. I would've preferred to have seen some more interaction between the other participants, other than the captains. I was just aching to see CM Punk in a Raw ring, with a Raw or Smackdown opponent, just to see what he can do in that situation. Never thought I'd be saying that. Also, the ladder match between Jeff Hardy and Johnny Nitro was sick! A lot of spots seems like they were really doing some heavy damage on themselves, to the point that my housemate thought both of them were really seriously injured. Nice job, and to think that Jeff Hardy is heading to ECW tonight and probably compete in some extreme matchup with his bro, that dude is really deserving this push he's getting.

    * Speaking of ECW, I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to watching it tonight. It's been a while since I've been waiting to watch ECW on Sci-Fi. Maybe it's the fact that there's a Pay-Per-View coming up. Or maybe Lashley being there grabbed my attention. In any case, the show is becoming a bit interesting, and I want to see what happens. Still, there's some lingering doubts I have in my mind about the brand. Their matches are getting a bit repetitive for me. I think their roster has enough talent to showcase on different days. However, that's what happens when they have so many wrestlers for a one-hour time slot. Inevitably some people will be left behind. Also, having matches end in DQ doesn't seem fitting with the whole "extreme" deal. I'll be giving them time to develop, since they're basically a brand-new entity, less than a year old. Let's see how things are at this same time next year.

    * For some reason, I'm loving TNA more each week. And it's certainly not because of Kurt Angle's arrival. I'm actually digging more the "non-WWE" folk, like A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, L.A.X. and many others. I understand that TNA needs some high-profile names to boost viewership, and that's where guys like Christian Cage and Kurt Angle come into play. But I really hope that the company doesn't put only those guys over. They have enough talent to make the company strive, and go places they've never been before. I, for one, hope TNA continues to succeed and gets more opportunities to get better. Doesn't hurt to have a little competition, does it?

    * I finally saw The Marine last night with a couple of my buddies. I wasn't too late, since the damn movie opened in theaters here in Puerto Rico a week and a half ago. The movie, while it wasn't bad, wasn't very good either. John Cena did his part very well, and hopefully that opens more doors for him as an actor. The supporting cast was also good. That Kelly Carlson is smokin'! However, the plot was pretty lame, and in some scenes, you REALLY had to suspend your disbelief. I mean, who in the hell can get hit by a sledgehammer in the ribs, and mere moments later he's kicking ass, running from explosions, swimming underwater AND perform C.P.R.? Still, like I said, it wasn't a bad flick. That WWE Films division can be something good in the future.

    Locking Horns

    Somewhere in Connecticut - Two months ago

    Mr. McMahon: Welcome to WWE Headquarters. Please, have a seat.

    Kevin Federline: Thank you, Mr. McMahon. It's an great to be here.

    Mr. McMahon: I'm glad you feel that way. I've been speaking with your agent, and seeing you have an album coming out soon, I found it as the best of our interests to have you featured on our flagship show, WWE Raw.

    Kevin Federline: Yes, I understand that part. I'd love to have the opportunity to hype my record, but also give you some mainstream attention. However, how will I fit in with this wrestling thing?

    Mr. McMahon: Well, you see, wrestling is all about good guys against bad guys. Honestly, your reputation around the entertainment world is not necessarily the best. So we would like to feature you against one of our top good guys, John Cena, who coincidentally is a rapper as well. Whiter than you, at that.

    Kevin Federline: Oh, okay. That sounds good. I get in the ring, insult him, deck him a few times...

    Mr. McMahon: No, no, no. Actually, he gets to hit you with his finishing move. That should create a ton of publicity for the both of us.

    Kevin Federline: What? I'm a rapper, not a wrestler. I can't go around taking hits left and right. What if he messes up the move and I can't use my junk or something? I have a hot wife at home, you know?

    Mr. McMahon: It pays $15,000 per appearance.

    Kevin Federline: I'll be on the plane to Los Angeles in five minutes.


    Ever since I can remember watching wrestling, it seems that in one form or another, entertainers from other walks of life have been part of a wrestling ring. Some of the earliest memories I have of the WWE is the whole "Rock N' Wrestling" Era, which was just about around the time of the first Wrestlemania. I remember those lame cartoons featuring Hulk Hogan, and sadly enough, I remember loving to watch them. I also remember Cyndi Lauper getting involved in some matches. All of this seemed to mix together quite well. Since I was too young at the time to realize why this was being done, now I know that this greatly helped the business get into the mainstream and grab viewers who have probably never watched wrestling in their lives.

    The same will also be said about a wrestler getting into movies. I think I watched "No Holds Barred" so many times that I kinda memorized some of the scenes. I know, I should be totally ashamed of myself to even admit this sort of thing. Anyway, being a huge wrestling fan, I felt so happy seeing a wrestler, one of my peeps, transcending from wrestling matches to the silver screen, which is undoubtedly larger than wrestling. That kind of cross-promoting creates kind of like a win-win situation. The wrestling business not only gains more popularity by having one of their stars exposed to a larger audience, but it also shows producers, directors and other Hollywood types who probably think wrestling is a low-brow form of entertainment that wrestlers are excellent actors and an asset to the motion picture industry. The movie business can take advantage of these larger-than-life characters to make their movies with. I believe both sides gain much with this sort of merging.

    Nowadays, you don't see much of that kind of cross-over. What once was a spectacle of stars in Wrestlemanias and other events, now is virtually non-existent, except for a couple of starts who need a boost in their upcoming record sales or movie ticket sales. It can be argued that since wrestling now has a larger fan-base and more popularity than during the late-80's - although some may dispute that fact. Also, in this era of Cable and Satellite Television being so common, and the usage of the Internet being widespread all over the world, there's no need to promote wrestling as much outside of its normal boundaries.


    Somewhere in Connecticut - About eight years ago

    Mr. McMahon: Good morning, gentlemen. Please, have a seat.

    Shaggy 2 Dope: It's about time.

    Mr. McMahon: I'm sorry I hadn't... Uh... do you guys always have that face paint on?

    Violent J: Yeah. It's kinda fucked up, ain't it?

    Mr. McMahon: Right... Anyway, I found out you guys were huge wrestling fans...

    Shaggy 2 Dope: Yeah, that shit's THE BOMB!


    Mr. McMahon: Sure it is. As I was saying, I spoke with your agent, and he thought doing a wrestling angle with you guys would be great not only for us, but also for you. You'll get tons of publicity for your next albums.

    Violent J: We don't need no help from stupid wrestlers. But I wanna know what this is about.

    Mr. McMahon: Okay, let me explain. I'm forming a group of odd wrestlers. Outcasts, that no one likes in this world. We're going to make them a group of likable characters, with you guys at the helm, leading them on. What do you say?

    Shaggy 2 Dope: You want us to be like a circus? That's the most retarded idea I've ever heard.

    Violent J: Thanks for wasting my fucking time, idiot. We're out of here.

    Mr. McMahon: It pays $5,000 per appearance, plus royalties on any album sales if you come up with a theme song.

    Shaggy 2 Dope: I'll be the oddest motherfucker out there! Let me see... theme song... theme song... Everyone come see the greatest show...

    Violent J: ...Gather up all juggalos and roll. Wow, this shit is gonna be easy money. See ya tomorrow, McMahon!


    To me, that's not really the case. I think the problem totally lies in the entertainment business itself. You take your music stars and movie stars, and realize that it's all become so very, very stale. You have hip-hop stars not doing much new stuff, musically. They're mostly spending their time in other outlets, like clothing lines. Then there are pop stars, who appeal to the younger audience, but are basically carbon copies of previous pop stars. The rockers are also spreading themselves too thin with a thousand new genres appearing all the time, from emo to pop-punk to nu-metal to dark-metal. The list simply goes on and on. The movie industry isn't doing much of the same, either. There are so many dumb movies, pointless sequels and remakes of old movies that it seems like all originality in Hollywood has been lost.

    Wrestling is entertainment, an art form, if you will. As such, it will generally revolve around other forms of entertainment. It also makes other forms of entertainment head towards wrestling. So, do you think these newer stars of this millennium can deliver interesting content to the wrestling fans? It's difficult to say for sure. Us wrestling fans are sure a special bunch of people. We're some of the most loyal, passionate people ever. We can also be the most difficult crowd to please. So bringing in someone from the "outside" is tricky, and can sometimes backfire completely. Virtually all large, modern wrestling companies have tried their hand at bringing outside stars into the business. WCW brought us David Arquette and Master P, the WWE had guys like Robert Downy Jr. and currently K-Fed, while TNA in their early shows brought in Chris Rock and Toby Keith.

    These guys aren't trained athletes, which is where most of us loathe this cross-promotion. We watch wrestling to see these stars be athletic and powerful. However, there is one exception to this: athletes that come from other sports. It seems natural that stars from other sports like boxing, mixed martial arts and football can fit well with the wrestlers. In fact, some of them became wrestlers themselves. Bill Goldberg, Monty Brown and Ron Simmons turned into full-time professional wrestlers after their football careers were done. Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn did the same during their mixed martial arts peak. Being young and athletic, they can fit the mold of a professional wrestler. However, that doesn't guarantee they'll be the best, since they'll need further training, particularly in the charisma and acting department.


    Somewhere in Connecticut - Ten years ago

    Mr. McMahon: I'm loving these Olympic Games! Nothing like seeing them on American soil. Now, I heard we were sponsoring some people for their Olympic run?

    Jim Ross: Yes, there are many at this moment.

    Mr. McMahon: Really? That sounds interesting. Who's the biggest man we got?

    Jim Ross: Let's see... Well, we got this big, strong kid from Texas who's a power lifter. Sadly enough, I heard he got injured and can't compete in Atlanta.

    Mr. McMahon: What a bastard, making us throw money away just like that.Fly him in, I need to speak with him.

    Two days later...

    Mr. McMahon: Welcome, Mr. Henry. Glad you could come. Please, have a seat. My Lord, you're huge!

    Mark Henry: Thank you, Mr. McMahon. I can imagine you're angry at me for blowing my chance at bring in the Olympics after your sponsorship.

    Mr. McMahon: Me? Nonsense. I just wanted to congratulate you on getting as far as you did, and now that I've met you personally, I would like to talk business with you. I'm sure such a big man like you would like to wrestle, wouldn't you?

    Mark Henry: I've been talked about this, and I was seriously considering it. However, I had already talked to some other organization.... What was his name... Eric?


    Mark Henry: Well, actually...

    Mr. McMahon: Let me tell you, this will be the last star that sneaky bastard Bischoff is taking away from me. I'll give you a ten million dollar contract, spread out during the next ten years, if you agree right here and now to stay with us in the WWE. We are the premier wrestling organization around, you know?

    Mark Henry: TEN?!? Of course I'll sign! I'll be in the WWF for life!

    Mr. McMahon: That's the spirit, son! Now, I'll send you to my secretary, and she'll draw up the initial paperwork. Glad to have you aboard, Mark!

    Mark Henry steps out of the office.

    Mr. McMahon: Ha! I showed that Bischoff who's the boss here! I have the hottest commodity in wrestling with me. This is time to celebrate all those millions of dollars I'll make off of him in these ten years!

    Meanwhile, outside of McMahon's office

    Mark Henry: Maybe I should've told him the man who talked to me was named Jerry...

    With these additional skills of performing in front of live crowds, this is where a professional wrestler sets themselves apart from other athletes in the world. Not only do they have to be in excellent physical condition to do what they do in the ring, they also need to be first-class actors as well. Although the term "actor" isn't put in the same sentence as "professional wrestler", in all honesty, they are actors. Sort of like actors in a Broadway play, with the exception that they play a role in a large production, which is the wrestling business today. In their case, wrestlers have it more difficult than any other movie star. Wrestlers need to perform in front of large crowds, do live interviews, don't have the luxury of retakes, and do all their own stunts. In my opinion, that prepares them to be on the big screen even more.

    Every single movie I've seen starring a wrestler, I have never seen them doing it bad at all. Obviously, the plots of the movies are bad enough to make you want to hurl your TV set at Vince McMahon. But these cases, it's not because of the actor. They do a good job, because they're prepared to do it well. That doesn't mean that ALL wrestlers are great actors. That's just a silly assumption. There are wrestlers who have the same charisma as the keyboard I'm using to type this column. You can't expect someone like Shelton Benjamin or Test to be a front-man in a heart-wrenching drama. It's just not meant to be. Basically, everything has its place. Wrestlers are generally considered grunts who can only kick ass. So it's natural for them to be in action-filled movies. From Hulk Hogan in "Thunder In Paradise" to The Rock in "The Rundown", in these movies, the wrestlers can show their strengths, both physically and artistically. There's also the odd wrestler doing something other than an action movie, a la Kane in "See No Evil", or even Hulk Hogan donning pink tights in Mr. Nanny (Hey, I didn't say EVERY movie starring a wrestler was great). This shows the range at which these guys can perform when it's done right.

    Speaking of range, some are even trying their hand at singing as well. The most recent example is John Cena, who I think is a decent enough rapper and can expand his fan base outside of the ring. His album sold quite well at the beginning, debuting at #15 on the Billboard charts. Chris Jericho is another wrestler who has experienced moderate success though his music. Although his rock band isn't one of the better known bands out there, Fozzy has received plenty of promotion, due to Jericho appearing in many reality shows and popular series. Of course, for all the musical successes in the WWE, you have someone like Lita trying to make a punk rock band. You'll know what I mean if you go to her MySpace page and listen to one of the songs. I love punk rock as much as anyone in the world, but this can quickly change my mind about it.


    Somewhere in Georgia - A couple of months ago

    Lita: All right, Luchagors, take five! We'll continue this soon, I got a phone call to make. Be right back.

    Jacob: You don't tell me what to do, bitch...

    (Lita nervously dials a number in her cell phone and starts to fiddle with her hair while it's ringing)

    Lita: Hello? Yes... Mr. McMahon, it's Amy.

    Mr. McMahon: Hi Amy, how are you? Hope everything's going well with your band.

    Lita: It certainly is. That's the reason why I'm calling.

    Mr. McMahon: What, do you need some male groupies? I'm sure I can fill that spot... if you know what I mean.

    Lita: Uh... No, Mr. McMahon. I was calling because I've been thinking about something for quite a while, and I think it's better to tell you now. I'm thinking about retiring once my current deal expires this November to pursue my acting and singing career.

    Mr. McMahon: .............

    Lita: I know this is a shock, since I'm the current Women's Champion and the best Diva ever, but I feel that if I don't do this now, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

    Mr. McMahon: .............

    Lita: Um... Mr. McMahon? I'm really sorry, please don't be angry.

    Mr. McMahon: ............. AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, you sure know how to pull a great joke. I almost fell for it. Leaving to act... Oh, the sweet irony in that! AAAAHAHAHAHA...

    Lita: ... I'm serious, Mr. McMahon.

    Mr. McMahon: .... HAHAHAH... What? You're serious? Amy... I'm sorry to break this to you, but you're a horrible actress. Now only that, you act way better than you can sing. Take that for what you will.

    Lita: I can't believe what you're saying... All these years I've dedicated to you and your company...

    Mr. McMahon: We plucked you from ECW to do the damage there, and because you were freakin' hot. You're not leaving to go to TNA, are you? I'm not falling for that again.

    Lita: No, I seriously want to sing with my band and get a few acting gigs.

    Mr. McMahon: Well, I think we can reach an agreement. Stop by the office tomorrow and I'll have some papers ready.

    Lita: Well, I can't tomorrow, since I have a show in L.A. But I'll return your call tomorrow and tell you when I can stop by H.Q., okay? Thanks for the opportunity, Mr. McMahon.

    (Lita hangs up the phone)

    Mr. McMahon: You don't tell me what to do, bitch...


    I assume that we're all happy by seeing some of the same guys we've spent years cheering on having great success. It's cool to see them do these things, all while taking the banner of professional wrestling all over the place and showing people that wrestling isn't for dumb, uneducated people, and that we aren't booger-eaters. However, this comes with an unforeseen side effect. Once these wrestlers become wildly popular, they stop becoming wrestlers. Their success leaves them little time to do both wrestling and another project at the same time. So the logical thing is to leave wrestling, with all the bumping and physicality and less income, and go other places where they work less and earn much more money and fame. And that poses a problem with us. Like I said before, we are very passionate about wrestling. So it's kind of expected for us to harbor some negative feelings towards a former wrestler when they go off to do other things. I know many people who label The Rock and Chris Jericho as traitors. While unfair, it's kind of expected. I think I've felt a bit that way as well.

    But, the true point is that these wrestlers have gone on to other stuff because they're damn good at it. I mean, they wouldn't stick around if they sucked. No one would obviously give them the opportunities they've had. But there's also the fact that most of these wrestlers are ambitious. They have to be ambitious to make it as far as they have in professional wrestling. Getting into the main stage of the wrestling business is no easy task. As they fulfill their dreams of being not only a wrestler, but one of the top guys in the world, they develop other ambitions along the way. Probably they were dreams they had as a teen, like being a huge rock star. Others get a taste something else incredible, like being the star in a featured film, and they don't want to let go of it. Whatever it is, they earn their spots, and take advantage of being a public figure to do what they probably always wanted to do.


    Somewhere in Hollywood - A couple of years ago

    The Rock: Okay, here it is. Get ready!

    (The Rock flashes The People's Eyebrow for some teenage fans)

    The Rock: Thanks guys! ... Seriously, I'm getting sick of all these wrestling fans coming up to me. I even forgot how to throw a punch.

    (The Rock's cell phone starts ringing)

    The Rock: Hmm... I don't know who's calling. Maybe it's some directly who wants to pay me big bucks to star in some crappy movie. Hello?

    Mr. McMahon: Hello, Dwayne? This is Vince McMahon speaking. Long time, eh buddy?

    The Rock: McMahon? I've heard that name before... Oh yeah, are you guys doing "Star Search" again? I wish I could do a guest spot, but I'm swamped right now. You can speak with my agent if you want.

    Mr. McMahon: I'm not Ed McMahon! I'm Vince McMahon! You know, the wrestling promoter who gave you your big chance to shine... Oh, I get it, this is a rib you're pulling on me! Good one, glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor.

    The Rock: (Desperately trying to remember his wrestling days) Yeah... I know, Vance. Now, what can I do for you?

    Mr. McMahon: Well, my people have told me your contract expired with us a while back. With all this business on top of me, it's difficult sometimes to keep track of these things. But don't worry, I fired the person responsible for this mishap and I would like to speak with you to have a new contract so your name and likeness can still be marketed by us.

    The Rock: I see... Well, Vick, I'm glad you have an interest in me, but I'm currently very busy at this moment. In fact, I have four movies lined up, so I don't think I'm able to fulfill those obligations. Thanks for the opportunity, though.

    Mr. McMahon: No, I don't think you understand. This contract will just be for us to be able to market you. That, and we don't want any other wrestling companies snatching you behind our backs. You'll just sit back, do a few appearances during the year, when you have time, and rake in one million dollars per year. Sounds great, right?

    The Rock: You do know I made 15 million dollars for my last movie, right? I'm not interested right now. Thank you anyway, Dick.

    (The Rock hangs up his cell phone)

    Mr. McMahon: Did he just call me a dick? I feel like crying...


    So in reality, while we view these cross-overs somewhat weird even as a cheap way of promoting things, they actually work as a tool to expand the wrestling world to other entities that most likely would've never given the WWE or TNA the light of day. No matter how much you hate K-Fed and are happy Britney dumped his ass, you have to admit that "America's Most Hated" brought a lot of attention by taking an F-U. Also, the attention John Cena and Kane brought to non-wrestling fans in their movies can only attract more people in the long run. If you're one of the people who hate outsiders coming in and hogging the attention in wrestling, or feel that wrestlers who leave are assholes, know that this will probably continue on forever, as long as both the wrestling and entertainment businesses have a need to co-promote their new assets. As more and more wrestlers go into the mainstream in movies, TV and music, and as more and more celebrities step into the squared circle even for one time to promote an upcoming album or film, just go along for the ride. Maybe one of these celebrities will bring so much attention that a new "Golden Age" of wrestling will come.

    Or maybe you're just like me, waiting for John Cena to drop K-Fed on his head this New Year's. There sure as hell is nothing wrong with that.

    Random Ruckus

    I was just browsing the WWE Auction site the other day. I can't believe how much junk those people sell. It seems like every little thing that's shown on TV, they just look at it and say "I bet you this sells for a couple hundred dollars with an autograph!" Now, I don't think I'll ever buy something from there, especially with those steep prices. But I decided to take a look around and post my findings here.

    First off here are some items from jobbers that aren't fetching barely anything at all:
    Scotty 2 Hotty Autographed "Moppy 2 Hotty" (Can someone tell me who the fuck bid $25.00 for this?)
    Eugene Autographed Video Game Tournament Sign #3 (At least no one is as retarded as Eugene to bid for a freaking piece of paper with his autograph. You mean to tell me that there were two more of these that sold?)
    Victoria Signed Worn Spider outfit skirt (How awesome of the WWE to sell this AFTER Halloween.)

    Then there are some weird ass categories of their own:
    Chairs (I know that somewhere, the tables and ladders are crying foul for not having their own category.)
    Magazines/Programs (Great way to clean out some warehouse of old magazines! Just a 500% markup on the original price - if only one person bids on it.)
    Divas (Not surprisingly, the Divas category has the most items up for bids - All of them previously worn items by the Divas themselves, like skirts, shorts, bras and panties. Well, better this than have random psychos stalking them.)

    Finally, there are the items that currently have the highest bids. Not surprisingly, two of the three I mention here are Divas garments:
    John Cena Signed "The Marine" Magazine Poster #2 (We all know that John Cena is perhaps the hottest wrestling commodity now, but I wouldn't pay more than 25 bucks for a signed poster, much less the $152.50 someone is willing to spend now.)
    Jillian Signed Bathing Suit bottoms worn during Bikini Contest on SD (Not exactly the most booty-licious babe in the WWE, so I wonder why some sicko wants to pay about $120.00 just for the bottom part?)
    Candice Worn Autographed Pink Corset (Someone REALLY dug those GoDaddy commercials to be spending $325.00 on this item.)

    I also noticed that the current high bidders for the Divas items mentioned above are nicknamed "shylad31' and "shady50x". God knows why they're spending so much cash on this.

    Well, that wraps up this Extreme Column Writing installment of Struggle For Power. That above segment was just done to unwind after racking my brain writing this. I don't know about eldandy, but this was sure a tough subject to tackle. I wish I had more extra days to work on it, but I feel it's just fine how it is. Hope you all enjoyed. Now go out and vote!

    See y'all around,

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by ManWithThePlan

    Just Business #13 - Wrestling in the S***

    ManWithThePlan here, writing for you once again.

    This column was going to be something totally different to what it’s turned out to be. It came to Saturday though and I realised what I’d written really wasn’t working, so it’s a topic I’ll keep looking at and post sometime in the future. So as I sat thinking desperately of a new topic for my 13th edition of Just Business I began to worry; what the fuck was I going to do?! I was suffering from some serious writers block...if you could call it that. That’s when a programme documenting the victory of Paul Potts in Britain’s Got Talent came on. And it hit me.

    Now at Backlash we get to see JBL participate in a totally random Fatal 4 Way match for the WWE Championship. Now JBL has often been portrayed as a chauvinist character; his very rise to prominence came from winning the “Great American Award” back in 2004 when we witnessed a video of him kicking Mexicans back across their side of the border. He was involved in a feud with Rey Mysterio in which they once again plugged the chauvinism and then there’s the infamous incident during the tour in Germany.

    There’s a close line between patriotism and chauvinism and the latter just so happens to be better suited for fictional storylines. In the real world, it is frowned upon, with the former being more acceptable. Indeed I am proud to stand up and say that I’m English. Sadly, due to the do-gooders of this world it is becoming increasingly unacceptable to even use the term “English”, but that’s not for here. What is, I hear you ask?

    Just as many Americans are proud to be from the so called “Land of the Free”, just as many French are proud to be from “Gay Paris”, just as many New Zealanders are proud to be from New Zealand and not Australia, I am proud to be from England; fish and chips and orgasmic gravy, rainy seaside holidays, caravans, stiff upper lips, Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks, the list goes on. What am I getting at?

    Where the hell is the so called “World” in “World Wrestling Entertainment”? That is a question I’ll be trying to answer in my few pages of LoP this week. So let’s get down to Business.

    “Let’s Brainstorm!”
    The problem at hand.

    I can hear it now. There’s plenty of international representation in the WWE, both past and present. Plenty of Canadians; the Harts, Copeland, Jericho. Check. Plenty of Asians; Tajiri, Khali. Check. Plenty of Samoans; Rock, Rikishi, Youmanga, Rosey. Plenty of Mexicans; Guerrero, Mysterio. Plenty of Europeans; Regal, Finlay, Bulldog, Marella. (I know the latter is actually American but due to his character I’m counting him as Italian.)

    I would have to agree with you. We’ve seen and indeed we have a lot of talent from a lot of places. We have a lot of styles; the lucha libres, the mat technicians, the powerhouses, the showmen. There’s plenty of variety.

    But there can be no denying whatsoever that the vast majority of wrestlers within the WWE are of an American nationality. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. To be honest, it’s not even a problem. But it is something that is a little bit of a shame.

    The world as it is today is fragmenting and I fear that one day it’ll be so far down that road that every nation will be unable to do anything other than look inward. As a historian I have recently learned of the principles of fragmentation and globalisation; the difference between a world of nations and a world united, in a greatly generalised nutshell. Institutions such as the United Nations or the European Union or arguably even the G8 could be seen as vehicles for globalisation; nations of the world working in unity as one. But nationalism is on the rise once again.

    There is a slight tragedy to that as well. To paraphrase Jedi Master Yoda, “Nationalism leads to fear, fear leads anger, anger leads to hate, hate...leads to suffering.” Nationalism can so easily lead down a path to “a dark side”. So any attempt, anywhere, within any institution to bring the world together again has to be a good thing right?

    Wrestling isn’t exactly as popular as it once was and there can be no denying that fact. It certainly isn’t going to be the path to a Utopia, if such a thing can possibly exist; I doubt it. But I’m under no illusion that this world is going to be changing anytime soon, I’m no hopeless optimist. For me the glass is always half empty, that way you can never be disappointed. But a greater unity of internationality in wrestling surely would be a pleasant thing to see, and would give just another point of debate, of fandom, of “hating the player with a playing at hate.”

    “How do you feel about that?”
    For your consideration.

    We’ve not exactly been a nice species. It’s not like we’ve not tried to wipe ourselves from the globe before is it? Two World Wars, countless European conflicts, ongoing turmoil in the East, half a century of fierce ideological conflict spanning the entire globe and, of course, nuclear power. Christ I’m being depressing. But that’s exactly my point here.

    Truth is people the world is a depressing place. And it’s growing more and more so with everyday. Because of phenomena like political correctness, it seems we are constantly increasingly being told that “multi-culturalism” is a necessity. Perhaps it is, but as long as we’re being TOLD it is, it’s not going to happen. As a matter of fact it is what has probably paradoxically led to the rise of nationalism once again.

    I’m a patriot. Pure and simple, through and through. I love my country. I love the English. But did you know we’re not even allowed to say we’re English anymore on the census? It has to be British. Yet we still have Scottish, Irish and Welsh. No offence Sheepster. Is it so wrong to want to be English, to want to be a part of a separate nation?

    I’ve been droning on about the negativity of a rise in nationalism, now I’m saying I want to be English. Hypocrite? No. Apart from political correctness, a problem with this is world is a close mindedness. Why can’t we all be of a separate nation and still work together? Why is it always one or the other, this or that? I don’t want to have my pie and eat it; and I want to have my pie and have the possibility of eating it. Sadly that’s not likely to ever happen.

    Basically, what I’m trying to say is the world is one giant great piece of steaming stinking shit. And because of things like close mindedness and political correctness, that shit is growing white and hard. Pretty graphic I know but I’m trying to drive the point home with you guys.

    So we come to the world of wrestling. It’s fairly big still in several countries, and many different countries have a style they’re perhaps best known for. America has the powerhouse showmanship; Mexico has the high flying risk taking lucha libres; Japan is well renowned for that extreme death match hardcore stuff, as well as stereotypically having martial art skills; Britain...or is it England?...has that technical chain wrestling style. It’s a great vibrant mix of styles.

    Such a collective pot of gold would be so nice, so interesting, so eye catching and transfixing to see. I would love and I’m pretty sure you guys would love it too. Now I said earlier I realise wrestling isn’t some kind of path to salvation. But there are millions of people who watch one form of wrestling or another world wide. I don’t want a single monopoly of world wide wrestling by any means; but one institution with a huge variety of nationality would surely be a refreshing form of escapism.

    “Chill man. It’s not that bad, surely?”
    Putting it in perspective.

    I’ve painted a rather grim picture of this world. Things have been terrible for us and there’s no denying that. I don’t expect any kind of ultimate solution when everyone suddenly becomes happy chirpy souls and everything is hunky dory. Every day we tune into the news or read the papers and we get told about poverty or war or famine or some kind of fucked up shit or something.

    People find a way out of it all in many different ways. Some people find God. Some people find the bottom of the glass. Some people find themselves sleeping in their office. But most people find escapism. And it can come in many different forms; music, film, television, books, games, sports. The point is it allows them all to forget about the shit and indulge themselves in something different, something actually enjoyable. Wrestling is just another form of escapism.

    It’s a segregated world. I listed the various forms of escapism. We’ve seen so many films about the apocalypse. We’ve heard so many songs about broken relationships. We’ve watched so many television programmes set in dystopian futures. And yet they all have a happy ending; something that very rarely, if ever, happens in this world. But we need the escapism and we need it to show us something we can never have, we need those happy endings because otherwise we’ll just go absolutely insane.

    Wrestling is another form of escapism and it’s something where we need to see something we can never have in reality. I’m not talking about the violence that constitutes its entirety, I’m talking about the underlying principles of wrestling.

    Professional wrestling is a simple thing. Every match has simple rules; easy to follow, easy to understand. I am, of course, neglecting TNA in this assumption as they have a fetish for overly complicated gimmicks. Wrestling has good guys and it has bad guys and unless you’re working with a guy called Paul the probability is the good guy will always come out on top. A happy ending. There are already underlying principles in wrestling, in this other form of escapism that let us turn our backs on the real world.

    But we could have so much more. The WWE have an interest in hiring talent from a world wide scene, that much is obvious. We’ve had Sheiks and Andres and Brets and Bulldogs and Regals. But as I’ve said earlier, they are very much in the minority. Nothing wrong with that; WWE is based in America so naturally the vast majority are going to be Americans. But we’ve seen A LOT of storylines based around American patriotism.

    I mentioned JBL earlier but there are many more examples. We saw it with the New Hart Foundation in 1997; we saw it with Hulk Hogan more times than I care to remember; Sgt Slaughter as well and, to a lesser extent, Kurt Angle. The concept of the storyline itself is pretty much a standard fall back one, but because of the rise in nationalism I mentioned earlier and because of political correctness paradoxically leading to increasing nationalism means that the standard storyline can become so emotive it’s a sure fire hit each and every time.

    It’s a shitty world. We need something to escape into. Wrestling, for all of us here, is the perfect catalyst. And storylines about patriotism will give us all the perfect thing to get behind. And while we won’t all come out happy with the result, we know that, in the end, there’ll be a second chance. We know that, in the end, it’s not the end of the world. In reality, such a situation could very well be.

    “So we’re wrong then?”
    The Plan.

    Depressing, isn’t it. But hey, I’m in a philosophical mood and I wanted to do something a little different, something that could relate to the shitty world we’re in. The WWE, I don’t think, quite realises just how important it really is. Without it, we’d have one less form of escapism and it doesn’t matter how big or small, how widely known or ignored any form of escapism is; one less form is a bad thing. A real bad thing.

    To repeat once more; the WWE have international talent. But come on guys, I’m going to be selfish here. I want more. I don’t want more British wrestlers particularly (though we know the English own all your asses ) but guys from every corner of the globe. I want to see just what gets the Japanese fans excited. I want to know what the Mexican fans are so passionate about. And hell yeah, damn straight I want to see Americans kick their own asses from one corner of a ring to another. It’s a form of global unification we can’t get anywhere else. We’ll never get it in reality, and even in things such as film and television there seems to be a morbid fascination with the end of the world. I want to have something in common with guys from the other side of the world; not just a wrestling fan but a fan of World Wrestling.

    I’m told I’m a passionate least about the things I really care about. I care about wrestling. And damn fucking straight I care about this bloody planet! Just because I don’t pissing recycle or put a crisp packet in a green bin as opposed to a black bin, just because I don’t go out there and campaign in the rain and achieve nothing, just because I use deoderent mainly because, yeah, I don’t want to fucking stink doesn’t mean I don’t care. People are so quick to criticise but I like to think I’m more concerned about the fact that sooner or later we may not have an environment to care for, mainly because we’ll be too busy blowing each other up to kingdom fekcing come.

    And it’s just so simple. More internationals in wrestling. It’s not going to go making any world changing waves, but by god it’s not a bad thing. And we’ve all heard of WWE’s long term international plans to stretch out into an international market. Fantastic! I want to see how John Cena would go about beating some hardcore sick ass git from Japan, or how the Deadman would manage against a mat technician from the UK, or how Reyrey would manage against more of his native kin. I want to see fans from every corner of the Earth coming to see a wrestling ppv and I want to talk about the latest Wrestlemania match with some guy I’m never going to meet, simply because he lives half way across the face of the Earth.

    And I know, I KNOW it’s what this place does. We’ve got guys from America, England, Wales and Australia and probably many many more besides. But more can’t be a bad thing. Greater escapism from a shitty little world where nothing ever wants to seem to go right.

    “Life sucks and then you die!”

    Never a truer word spoken. So please Vince, give us more. Give me more. It makes sense from my ideological point of view and it increases your potential market, meaning it also makes sense from a business stand point as well. It’s all good stuff. And who knows? With celebrities in the public eye regularly involved with proceedings around March and sometimes even August time it may just have one or two positive ripples through the world.

    Maybe what I’ve been speaking about this week is a little...over-reaching. Maybe I’m looking into things too much. But again, open mindedness; what if I’m not. I don’t see the point in not allowing ourselves the slim possibility of effecting change in the world by having more international variety not just in the WWE but in any wrestling promotion, in every wrestling promotion.

    And truth is that it is a possibility. A wise pointy-eared fictional Vulcan once said, “Once you’ve removed the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Well international unity in wrestling isn’t by any means impossible and it effecting anything major in the world is improbable...but again, not impossible. It may not happen, but if we don’t try it will definitely never happen. What’s the point in cutting a possibility off before seeing if it even works?

    That, ladies and gentlemen, is all I’ve got in the tank for you this week. My few pages of LoP have been used up and bled dry and I am but waiting for a response. It may have been a little heavy, it may have been a little depressing or pessimistic, it may even have felt a little poorly structured but I’m glad I’ve said what I’ve said; and to be honest, it wasn’t half bad to say I had a change of mind only on Saturday. We never really hear of anything positive these days and I don’t know about you but I know that I for one deserve a fucking happy ending for once. Or at the very least, something 100% positive. I’m sick of shit. I want something great, something just absolutely great. I think we’ve earned it.

    Well that’s enough of that. No more wet behind the ears preaching. No more corny monologue. At least not for today. I’m going to try again with this sequel business for next week but I aint promising anything because it’s proving to be a bit of a bitch to get off the ground. Fingers crossed anyhow. If not that then I may do something on HBK and objectivity just for a friend of mine who’s really good at that kind of thing.

    But until next week, it’s ciao for now.

    Thanks for reading, good old ye faithul. Yours truly, the one and only…


    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by The Monkey, but better known as the first appearance of Skip Rogers

    Skipidy Do Da #1: Insert Clever Subtitle to make the puppets click here

    First, let me start this badboy off by asking a question. Who's the bigger asshole, me for putting such a tagline in my column, or you for clicking on it anyway? Kind of an easy answer if you ask me. However, I didn't intend to make some long rant dedicated to you, though I do have someone in mind. I will try and keep this opening short, though who cares if I don't, it's your time that's preciously slipping away reading this crap.

    Speaking of crap, and wasting my time, let's talk about the COTM winner, THE MONKEY. Wow, somehow a guy comes on here, talks more about counting and dancing, and answering bullshit questions than wrestling, and wins this contest. What the hell is that? I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that he wrote that nonsense, or the fact that for some reason you guys bought stock into the company known as bullshit.

    Boo hoo, cry me a river, you almost killed yourself. Big fucking deal, next time pull the damn trigger and spare us one of your off the wall going nowhere rants that are more about occupying space then anything. I'm sorry you can't write more than 3 paragraphs about wrestling, thus you fill the space with personal shit that no one cares about. Maybe you should try actually writing a wrestling column sometime, next time I want to just kill off valuable moments of my life I'll just sit back fondling my balls watching a Dobbie Gillis marathon, while sipping on some apple cider. I have however dedicated more time to you then anyone should, so let's get onto something that really matters...wrestling. Yes folks, wrestling matters.

    Taboo Tuesday

    You know, at first I liked this idea, but come on, what the hell is going on.

    Christy Vs Carmella-Guaranteed classic, as the King would say, it'll be a real slobmyknober. Just when you thought that sum bitch wasn't rigged, I guess you missed that memo as well. This war will be too close to pick a winner, but I know in the end we are the losers.

    Bisch Vs The Tard-This match for a lack of a better term, is gonna be fucking retarded. 100 Skip points to whoever takes a sign that says "Eugene is Sofa King We Todd It" to the pay-per-view. Eugene wins, and his credibility will soar to new heights. Watch out Coach, there is a new midcarder on the block.

    Diva Battle Royal-You can decide what they wear. Excellent, I say give this match about 43 minutes to shine. Surely this match will not be about women in skimpy clothes. It'll be about teenage men everywhere, beating "it" like "it" owes them money. I'll be in the can, as my ass sells my turds offense like a champ. My battle will probably be longer, and I know it'll be more exciting. I'm calling my turd at about the eleven minute mark.

    Kane Vs HMAK-Home-made abortion kit will open up a whole can. However, in a sick twist, I'd expect angry protesters to bomb the ring in protest against that crazy pro-choice bastard. Kane covers a severed limb of HMAK to get the pinfall. After the match, Clint Howard does a rundown and shows Kane what a real B-Horror movie actor is supposed to look like.

    Chris Jericho Vs Some Guy-Seriously, just some guy. Doesn't matter. For the sake of argument, let's say it's...Chad Chaderson. Jericho wins via some move, and the entire IWC lets out one collective orgasm before falling asleep prior to the main event, seeing as they could care less about HHH.

    HHH Vs Benoit-If you don't think this is gonna happen, make sure to grunt right about now so your mom can come over and wipe the drool off your chin and tighten your helmet. I'm sorry your dad has a low sperm count, but if he didn't do so many drugs in the 60's and 70's maybe he could have avoided peeing in your gene pool. Triple H wins even after Benoit does his best impression of the Wonka Elevator, sorry Chris you just ain't gonna break through that glass ceiling.

    I'm sure they'll add more, and hell maybe I forgot, but that's life. Pay-per-view can't be but so good if I can't even remember. I figure I'll take my 35 dollars and buy some stock in the waste management plant up the street. The way I see it, if I'm gonna end up with crap anyway, I might as well have the crap make some money for me as well.

    Random stuff everybody does, but I need to fill some space
    Kane to leave the WWE?-Seriously should this even make any form of news. First of all, it was reported by The Honkey Tonk Man. Yet another wrestler, who even far removed from his wrestling career, can't separate his real life from his wrestling persona. Secondly, isn't this old even if it is true. The way I see it, Kane quit the WWE quite some time ago, haven't you seen any of his matches in the last several months. No big loss, the Brooklyn Brawler has more cred right now anyway. Kane has played bitch to Matt Hardy, Shawn Michaels, and Gene Snitsky. All you Sesame Street fans, let us sing a song. One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong. Can you find which thing is not like the other, by the time I finish my song.

    Snitsky is Silly-Stephanie has gotten behind the machine known as Snitsky, much like she gets behind HHH every night. She shows him what paying your dues is all about. When Stephanie laughs at your initial promo, and calls you silly, you know you are heading for big things. Don't feel bad, Mordecai could use a new partner.

    Vince Vs Flair-Vince was upset at the mention of making virgins bleed. You see, the only way it is acceptable to make virgins bleed, is if you kill them and then have sex with their limp body. Otherwise totally unacceptable, we try to run a family program here. Afterwards it was said Vince kept Flair well past midnight. Vince may not have liked the comments, but all that talk about virgin bleeding got Vince a little hot and bothered. So after the show, McMahon took a ride on Space Mountain.

    Gunn found in rehab center-Since when did doctors find a cure for suck. If that is indeed the case, go ahead and send 94% of the Smackdown roster to rehab.

    Cena to film movie soon-Much like his opponents in the ring, nobody will see this.

    You Suck and You Need To Die

    [pic of Undertaker]

    Wow, just wow. You my friend without a doubt, bring the suck. You try to associate being a legend with time spent in the ring. Well look out hall of fame, here comes Barry Horowitz, and the Brooklyn Brawler. He truly is an innovator, creating matches where he sets peoples arms on fire. Oh, ah. Not to mention that with his lack of selling ability he couldn't sell fire to a fucking Eskimo. Now in addition to sucking, you are now subjected to being the bitch (figuratively speaking of course) to a second rate version of the man who brought you in, oh the irony. In addition you are about to be the bitch (quite the literal sense) to the ever great Heiny-rape. If you are a legend, then I'd rather be a jobber. You indeed suck, however....

    [pic of Hunter]

    You need to die. The very glass ceiling of the business. You allows you to see the top, but never allows you to reach it. Did you know that HHH ruined the tag division? Yep, he sure did he slept with the boss' daughter. Have you been wondering why the cruiserweight division started to fall off? HHH hates the little bastards. Why is TNA slowly falling apart? HHH doesn't want anything to suceed that he didn't invent. Unfortunately, even though I wish HHH would die, he simply cannot be killed with conventional weapons. Therefore we are forced to sit back and watch in horror as he Terra Ryzes the WWE.

    Well I guess that will do it for #1, if you liked this, hated this, or just plain think that I type in a sexy manner. Send all feedback to

    -Skip Rogers

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by Morpheus, not long before he won three consecutive COTM awards....

    PPV Special #3 – Talking Taboo Topics
    Welcome, Dreamers, to the Third Special Pay-Per-View Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. I am Morpheus, Master of the Dreaming, and I will be your guide through this land of Nightmares and Dreamscapes. I had a lot of fears going into this show about how things were handled ahead of time, and how they might be handled at the show, but all in all, I think things went rather well. Overall, I think Taboo Tuesday was a solid Pay-Per-View, with some decent matches on the card. I am very happy with the fact that the WWE did not rig the voting, or fix it in any way. This was very obvious since Michaels went into the Main Event despite his injury. I tip my hat to them for going through with what the fans wanted, even with the uncertainty involved. The show was chock full of surprises, and it definitely delivered in the entertainment realm. So, without further ado, let the Dreams begin!

    Voting Results – In The Order They Were Revealed (My choices are in italics)

    Fulfill Your Fantasy Battle Royal – Divas’ Outfits
    Nurse – 17%
    French Maid – 30%
    Schoolgirl – 53%

    Intercontinental Championship Title Shot
    Shelton Benjamin - 37.48%
    Batista - 20.11%
    Coach - 7.01%
    Christian - 6.69%
    Rhyno - 5.77%
    Maven - 4.23%
    William Regal - 3.81%
    The Hurricane - 3.77%
    Tyson Tomko - 2.49%
    Tajiri - 2.36%
    Steven Richards - 2.24%
    Val Venis - 1.69%
    Rosey - 1.10%
    Chuck Palumbo - 0.68%
    Rodney Mack - 0.58% (You are the Weakest Link…)

    World Heavyweight Championship Title Shot
    Chris Benoit – 28%
    Edge – 33%
    Shawn Michaels – 39%

    Weapon of Choice in Kane vs. Snitsky
    Steel Chair – 30%
    Lead Pipe – 29%
    Steel Chain – 41%

    Stipulation in Eugene vs. Bischoff: Loser Must…
    Wear a Dress for a Month – 21%
    Be the Winner’s Servant – 20%
    Have His Head Shaved – 59%

    Diva Search Grudge Match Type
    Aerobics Challenge – 10%
    Lingerie Pillow Fight – 57%
    Evening Gown Match – 33%

    Legend Vs. Legend Killer Match Type
    Falls Count Anywhere – 20%
    Steel Cage – 68%
    Submission – 12%

    WWE RAW Presents Taboo Tuesday 2004

    Match #1: Intercontinental Championship Match: Chris Jericho vs. Shelton Benjamin – Well, I’m a little disappointed that Stevie Richards didn’t win the vote here, but I guess if anyone else had to win, I am glad it was Shelton. A lot of people had high hopes for the match-up between these two, and I would have to say that this bout definitely delivered. As soon as they announced Shelton as the winner of the vote, I knew we were in for a great match, and that’s exactly what we got. Both men put on an excellent show and got to showcase their considerable wrestling ability. The action was very back and forth throughout the match; there was no one man who truly dominated the other. The ending to the match came quite unexpectedly, as Benjamin countered Jericho coming off the top rope into a T-Bone suplex, and picked up the pin. If there was one thing I would have changed about this match, I would’ve given it a couple extra minutes in length, but all in all, this was still an excellent match. After the match, there was a great display of sportsmanship by Jericho, as he placed the belt on Shelton’s shoulder and shook his hand before making his way to the back. I am surprised that Jericho’s record-breaking 7th IC Title reign was cut so short, but I have high hopes for Benjamin as IC Champ, and I look forward to seeing what he can do.
    Match Rating:

    Match #2: Women’s Championship Fulfill Your Fantasy Battle Royal: Schoolgirl Challenge – Well, I totally think that French Maids would’ve been way hotter, but we had to make due with what we were given. This match was mainly meant to be eye candy, and it sort of served its purpose in that respect. As far as the match itself was concerned, there was not a lot of noteworthy action that occurred, but it was at least mildly entertaining. Nidia was the first woman eliminated, though her shirt remained in the ring when she went. Next out was the little schoolboy Jazz, followed by Gail Kim. Next, Victoria (who I think was still wearing the French Maid skirt) was eliminated by Molly and Trish, after which both women went after Stacy. Molly managed to eliminate Stacy, and while she was gloating, Trish came up from behind and eliminated Molly, winning the match. There were some decent points in this match, but nothing to write home about. Very average, and served its purpose, so its grade reflects that.
    Match Rating:

    Match #3: Kane vs. Gene Snitsky; Chain Match – This match ended up being a lot better than I had expected, as I was fully prepared for a one-sided raping by Kane. Imagine my surprise! Both men were on their game, and say what you will about Snitsky, he proved that he can handle himself in the ring during this match. Kane and Snitsky both got in some decent offense using the Chain, as Lita looked on from ringside. One thing that annoyed me about this match, however, is that ONLY the weapon we voted for was to be legal in the match, yet the chair was used as well, in the ring no less, and there was no DQ for it. I think the main reason it was allowed though, is that the WWE were banking on the Chair being the winner, as we could see from the way the ending was booked. The ending was very well done, and saw Snitsky crushing Kane’s throat with the chair the same way Kane had done to Michaels a few months back. Kane began spitting up the contents of a blood capsule, and Snitsky picked up the pin while Kane was laid out. Overall, this was a very good match and allowed for the storyline to continue, which is a very good thing. After the match, we saw Lita showing concern as Kane was loaded onto a stretcher, only to be attacked by Snitsky again on the way to the back, causing Kane to flip over and land face-first on the stage while still strapped to the gurney! Now Kane can go film his movie, and Snitsky can dominate RAW. We all win!
    Match Rating:

    Match #4: Eugene vs. Eric Bischoff – Well, this match itself sucked, but thankfully it wasn’t very long. The beginning moments of the match saw Eric dominating Eugene with Martial Arts offense. Eugene then takes control of the match, and quite quickly ends it with a good old (very old) fashioned Hogan Leg Drop. While the match itself was awful, as was the bit with the Coach directly following it, Vince came out and made the whole thing worth it. Eugene was shaving Eric’s head, and Vince was cracking on him for dying his hair, as it was quite obviously white underneath. He then made Coach his bitch and had him strip down and wear the dress for the remainder of the PPV. So, while the wrestling of the match sucked, the overall package was definitely quite entertaining, if a little long, so I give it a fairly decent grade overall.
    Match Rating:

    Match #5: World Tag Team Championship Match; La Resistance vs. Edge and Chris Benoit – This was an absolutely awesome match, with all four men (at first, anyway) putting on great performances. This was probably the best I have ever seen from La Resistance, at least in a very long time. There was a lot of good tag team action here, with both teams isolating their opponents from their partners at one point or another. After the match had been going for awhile, Edge managed to get the tag from Benoit, but the ref didn’t see it, so he forced Edge to leave the ring, prompting Edge to walk out on Benoit, leaving him in dire trouble in the ring. Despite Edge’s disappearance, however, Benoit managed to finally gain the upper hand and picked up the win by making Conway tap to the Crippler Crossface. After the match, we saw Benoit celebrate in the ring, raising both Tag Title Belts over his head. This was a truly great match, having the mark-out moment of the night as Chris Benoit became the World Tag Team Champions! In my humble opinion, this was definitely the Match of the Night.
    Match Rating:

    Match #6: Christy vs. Carmella; Lingerie Pillow Fight – Even Christy’s shear awesomeness couldn’t do too much to save this one. We begin with Coach announcing the match type, and then watch as the ladies changed into the lingerie behind a backlit screen. Christy put on a good show, but Carmella totally assed up her end of the bargain by standing way to far from the screen. Then, the match began as both ladies removed their robes to reveal their respective outfits. Christy started off the match by ripping out one of Carmella’s Falsies, which was by far one of the funniest moments of the night. Despite all the help from Christy though, Carmella, and by extension this match, sucked. The ending saw Carmella get pinned by Christy despite her right shoulder being a good distance away from the canvas. I would’ve given this a much worse grade than I did, if Christy didn’t just rule so damn much.
    Match Rating:

    Match #7: World Heavyweight Championship Match; HHH vs. Shawn Michaels – This match also turned out to be a lot better than I was expecting at first. Despite Michaels’ injury, he managed to pull out one hell of a performance, and he should be given mad props for that. HHH put on a great show too, as did the referee. H spent much of the match working on Shawn’s injured knee, including a Figure Four that seemed to last forever, and Michaels had to keep pleading with the ref to not stop the match. Michaels eventually managed to turn the tide in his favor, and he started to get in some decent offense on H. Batista came down to assist H, but was taken out by HBK before any damage could be done, and then Michaels managed to nail H with the Superkick. The ref was distracted with Batista as Michaels was struggling to his feet, and once he finally got himself upright, he ran right into a spear from Edge that went unnoticed. H managed to get the arm thrown over HBK, and picked up the cheap win. I am a little disappointed with H never being able to win a Title Match without interference, but I think the ending to this match was very well done, as it kept the Title on the un-injured H, and solidified Edge’s Heel Turn, all while making Michaels look like a hero. A great match all around, especially under the circumstances.
    Match Rating:

    Match #8: Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair; – A lot of people were questioning why this was the Main Event for the show, and I think it was for two simple reasons. First, they weren’t sure how Michaels would hold up in the Title Match, so they wanted to put something they were more comfortable with last. Second, they wanted to end the show with a feel good moment, which I will get to in a moment. This was a short match, but a very good one; arguably Flair’s best match in a very long time. Orton was busted open a mere two minutes into the match, followed by Flair at around the 5 minute mark. No matter what my opinion on Flair may be, I have to admit he has the best blood-hair in the business. We saw all the usual Flair spots, as well as some unusual ones, and both men went a long way to make each other look damn good. There was a lot of back and forth action, and both men got in a good amount of offense. There were a couple of points where you could see that Orton was softening his blows, but it’s understandable considering Flair’s age and physical condition. The ending came at the eleven minute mark, with Orton dodging a chair shot, and hitting the RKO for the 1-2-3.

    Both men put on a great show here, and I think the match would’ve been even better if given some extra time, but I’m proud of Flair for lasting this long in a singles match, especially one as heated as this. Both men lost a lot of blood during the match, and still managed to pull out a great match. As I said above, this was probably the best Flair match I have seen in a very long time. The ending was great, with a show of respect between the two men, starting off with a handshake and leading to an embrace in the cage. I think that Flair has definitely hit a high note here, and should use this opportunity to bow out gracefully and step into a managerial role. By doing so, he will leave fans with a great memory of his last match, and will solidify his legacy as one of the greats. I am really looking forward to RAW on Monday to see where this storyline goes next!
    Match Rating:

    The Total Package – A straight up average of match ratings leads to a rating of 3 and a half hourglasses, which I feel is a very appropriate grade for this show. The promos were solid, most of the matches were solid, and for a new concept, things came off pretty well. There are things I would have done differently, both in the set up of the matches leading up to the show, and in the way they were handled at the show itself, but all in all it was a decent show. Hopefully the WWE will be able to learn from this experience, and make the next time they do this that much better for all concerned. Overall, the show was worthwhile, and left me a satisfied customer.
    Overall Pay Per View Rating:

    Coach came in third in the IC Title ballot. Who the fuck voted for the Coach??? How the hell did Tomko beat out Stevie??? Man, I think I’m really beginning to understand why the WWE doesn’t listen to their fans…

    Benoit came in LAST in the World Title Match voting. Granted, it wasn’t by a whole lot, but I definitely wasn’t expecting that. With all the IWC love he gets, as well as love from the regular fans, I would’ve pegged him for the top spot, or at least the runner up. I really hope this doesn’t screw him out of future Title Shots.

    Carmella needs to go. Now. I really can’t see any good reason to keep her around. She assed up everything she was supposed to do at the PPV, and really needs to go back to sucking dick for coke. That is all.

    I can’t believe Tomko got more votes than Stevie.

    Taboo Tuesday turned out to be a decent show, and the WWE deserves props for pulling it off despite all of the potential for disaster.

    Carmella’s 15 minutes of WWE fame ended 45 minutes ago.
    This brings to a close this Third Special PPV Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. Any feedback you have would certainly be greatly appreciated and can either be posted here, or sent to me via email at . Don’t forget to check out ETDR Vol. 9 if you haven’t already. Also, stop on by The LoP Revolution Presents: Taboo Treatise and let us/them know what you think. Thus endeth the shameless self-promotion. Until next time, sleep well, and I’ll see you in your Dreams.

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    originally posted by Sheepster

    The Sunday Fleece #1

    Like so many others around the world, we here at UTF are looking for change. While we may head back to our down-and-dirty, investigative roots at some point in the future, for now we’ll be trying our hand at something slightly different. Don’t get us wrong. The new format has been tried and tested by many people before us. But no one has ever taken the concept to this sort of extreme. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re trying our hand at forging a digital newspaper for the wrestling world.

    You’ll get the hang of it soon enough. Each week, we start with our top story. We find the biggest news story of the week, dive into it, and try to bring you fresh perspectives on it. We follow this up with any other news that’s hanging about. In a heavy news week, we may talk about as many as three extra stories in this section. We then have a variety of supplements for your perusal. What kind of Sunday broadsheet would we be if we didn’t supply you with enough supplements to deforest a small deciduous country? These supplements can range from extra sports news and horoscopes to business updates or editorials. And we finish, like any good newspaper does, with the back page.

    It’s simple enough. And we hope it keeps you entertained, so sit back and relax. Welcome to...

    for Sunday February 22nd, 2009

    This week we discuss: Triple H’s appearance on Raw; how Verne Gagne copes with retirement; the mysterious spike in TV ratings; and much much more...

    But first, this week in wrestling, we say happy 25th birthday to RoH stalwart Jimmy Jacobs, and wish a happy 32nd birthday to returning WWE damsel Gail Kim.

    Also in this week, back in 2002, a fresh-faced John Cena (wrestling as the Prototype) defeated an uninjured Dave “the Chimp” Batista (wrestling as Leviathan) to capture the Ohio Valley Heavyweight title and set the scene for the next 7 years of WWE wrestling. Almost a year to the day, we got to witness wrestling idiot Eugene (wrestling as Nick Dinsmore) defeat a forgettable Danny Basham (remember him?) to capture that same title. And people wonder why WWE no longer use OVW...

    Triple H breaks kayfabe; discovers new storytelling device; quads remain intact.

    kayfabe n. the portrayal of events within the industry as being real.

    On Raw last Monday, Randy Orton went one step closer to completing the grand slam of McMahon attacks. After punting Shane McMahon in the head, he temporarily thought it would be a good idea to pull an RKO on Stephanie McMahon. To be fair to her, she sold the move better than most others I’ve seen. But then things got very interesting. Triple H came to Ms. McMahon’s rescue. He then turned beetroot red as his face imploded under his furrowed brow. One can only assume that he was rather upset by the whole affair. Eight years ago, this wouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary. Triple H was legitimately married to Ms. McMahon on-screen. But things have moved on since then. They got divorced on-screen. They’ve barely interacted in seven years. Just last year, Shawn Michaels was gallivanting around with Triple H, making snarky comments about the relationship. Everyone laughed because it was funny. The relationship still existed off the camera, but to explain that to us would break that old chestnut called kayfabe. They were subverting that and making jokes about it, so it was okay. The smart people laughed along with them. The not-so-smart people happily waited for the next “suck it” reference.

    By coming to his lady’s rescue on Monday, and then admitting to the whole sordid affair (children and father-in-law included), Triple H officially took kayfabe and punted it off a tall bridge. That’s what makes this story all the more intriguing. This story has left the land of kayfabe and moved itself firmly into ellfabe territory.

    That’s right. Ellfabe. It’s one better than kayfabe. It’s all the rage these days. See, WWE know that kayfabe is a long time dead. Anyone that wants to find out about anything can probably find out on the internet if they look hard enough. Thanks to the rise of the internet, it has become harder and harder to hide even the smallest personal details from the general public. This makes writing good storylines that much harder. What’s a creative department to do?? Ellfabe. They bring part of a wrestler’s personal life into the ring, knowing that most of the public already know about it. This stuns the educated viewer. They’re now seeing real life unfold on the screen. It’s not actually real life though. From the point that real life is added, the wrestlers are back to pretending again. But if they throw bits of real life in there, how can the viewer know what’s real and what’s fake? Triple H isn’t meant to like Ms. McMahon, let alone still be married to her. Did Orton really have no control when he hit an RKO on the poor woman? Are these even my own legs?

    And this isn’t the first time they’ve pulled this on us. Cast your mind back to early 2005. Matt Hardy is happily wandering through WWE-land until one day, his girlfriend Lita cheats on him with Edge. Matt Hardy gets upset and posts about this to the real world. WWE find out and let him go. The fans become incensed. Edge and Lita, who in Hardy’s absence have started working together on-screen, are bombarded with “You Screwed Matt” chants. After a few months, WWE sense a money-making opportunity and they hire Matt Hardy back. He immediately sets his sights on Edge. WWE successfully use real life events and portray them as real on-screen. At this point, they’re probably mostly all friends again and it’s not really real... but we can’t know that for sure.

    It’s ingenious. The viewer can no longer trust their own news-sites. They can think they know what’s going on, but they can’t know for sure. They said it couldn’t be done in this day and age. They said kayfabe was dead. And technically, it is. But the industry has a new weapon in this war on disbelief.

    ellfabe n. the fake portrayal of real events within the industry as being real.

    Verne Gagne wrestles one more match; wins by countout.

    In recent years, wrestling legend and WWE Hall of Famer Verne Gagne has been hiding away in relative obscurity in Bloomington, Minnesota. As it turns out, he’s been training for a return to the ring. On January 26th, Gagne allegedly picked up a 97-year-old man and threw him down to the ground. Unfortunately, this gorilla press slam was one slam too many for the 82-year-old Gagne. The training session went tragically wrong when Gagne’s training partner broke his hip when he landed incorrectly. He sadly died twenty days later. Gagne’s return looks to be delayed now while police investigate the matter.

    Gagne is unfazed by the police and is said to be looking for a new training partner. A news report claimed that “he'd put elderly patients in chokeholds”. His signature sleeper hold was devastating in his heyday, and he’s obviously looking to get some of that spark back. Meanwhile, some of the neighbouring residents have spoken out against Gagne. One disgruntled neighbour fell asleep at the mere mention of Gagne’s name. Another neighbour asked “What time does the llama ride happen?”

    WWE ignores mistake; decrees decimal system obsolete.

    Those going to Wrestlemania this year may find themselves a bit confused. Wrestlemania 25 is fast approaching but so, claim WWE, is the 25th anniversary of Wrestlemania. Since most numerical systems start at 1, the 26th event is usually the 25th anniversary. WWE are seemingly celebrating an event that started in March 1984, when in fact Wrestlemania started one year later in 1985. It’s one of those counter-intuitive things, and as such, not many people noticed the mistake at first. But now more and more people are noticing the lapse in WWE’s counting skills. So what are WWE to do? Appear dozy and red-faced and apologise for their error? Of course not!

    Despite the spectacular difficulties involved, WWE have hired a team of advanced mathematicians to expand the decimal system and create a brand new way of counting. The new system, working in base 10.5, will allow WWE to legitimately call this next PPV the 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania. The new system will unfortunately also rename it as Wrestlemania 26, but they’re hoping no one notices.

    “Failing this, we’ll just hold Wrestlemania Zero back in 1984,” said one source. “That’ll match up the anniversary with the event number quite nicely.” WWE are already looking at possible matches should Wrestlemania Zero go ahead. Triple H is lined up to retroactively beat Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight title before dropping the title back to him at some point later in 1984.

    TV ratings spike; critics blame intestinal gas.

    On the surface, it appears to have been a good overall week for wrestling. On Monday night, Raw put on an action-packed show coming just a day after No Way Out. The shocking results at No Way Out were probably a big factor in Raw getting a 4.1 rating. This is the show’s best rating in over a year. The last show to hit 4.1 was the 3-hour 15th anniversary special back in December 2007. Then, on Thursday evening, TNA Impact showed an “empty arena” match between Kurt Angle and Sting. Thanks to the “empty arena” idea, all the people that would’ve been in the stands had to go watch on a TV screen somewhere. A very clever plan and it paid off. Impact got a 1.33 cable rating with 1.9 million viewers. That’s the show’s largest ever audience. From the looks of things, wrestling might be on the up again.

    Or is it?

    I don’t think so. If it was Raw alone, I might be willing to believe such a thing. But TNA gaining numbers too? Nonsense. I think there’s a much simpler explanation. This season’s pool of talent on American Idol has been severely lacking. Oh yes. I’ve never seen such a poor bunch of crooners. We’re meant to be watching the Top 36 right now. I only saw 1 person who was any good this week. It’s shocking. And it just happens to air on Thursday nights. Those 14 million fed-up viewers are all going to flick to another channel sooner or later. One note from Tatiana will guarantee a mass exodus from the Fox show. And the law of averages says that a number of those will most probably land on whatever channel is showing Impact. Hey presto, TNA gets a surge in ratings. Raw benefitted from a fantastic PPV. Impact just benefitted from some poor song choices and some pitch problems.

    Apparently, to capitalise on the downturn of American Idol, TNA is looking to sign Sanjaya from last year’s Idol season.

    Today, we have a lovely letter from a nice lady in Illinois.

    Dear Fleece…

    I’m quite frankly appalled at World Wrestling Entertainment. How dare they release such a fantastic superstar!! I watched every one of Scotty Goldman’s 6 matches and I was ever more enthralled by each one. So he may have only been in some of those matches for 20 seconds, but those 20 seconds were a joy to watch! Little Scotty knows how to wrestle. I’m sure he’d win a match or two if they wouldn’t keep putting him up against those big ugly monsters. The way Scotty has been treated just cuts me to the core. I heard he was made to change in the same room as the other wrestlers. And they made fun of him whenever he wore his favourite widdle duffle coat. He needs to wrap up warm in the winter! It’s no laughing matter!! I know you can’t do anything to help little Scotty now, but I thought I’d just vent my spleen about it. It kills me to see him like this. Thank you for your time and the forum to air my views.

    Yours sincerely,
    Mrs. F. Goldman

    Thank you, Mrs. Goldman. We can only whole-heartedly agree with your thoughts.

    If, like Mrs. Goldman, you would like to share your thoughts on anything wrestling, please send it along to and we’ll be more than happy to listen.

    This evening, we celebrate the 81st Annual Academy Awards. Yes, it’s Oscar time again. Hollywood’s finest gather in one room to see who gets to join the very elite. We’ll be having our own little Oscar party in our corner of the world, complete with cake. That’s right. Cake. That’s because we too have something to celebrate this year. Unlike most years, when there seems to be nothing but endless chick flicks, this year we have a film that we can all band together behind. It’s a film for us! A film for the wrestling fans! They’ve helpfully called it “The Wrestler”, just so they don’t confuse the not-so-smart fans. It isn’t nominated for much, but what are its chances for the awards it is up for? Let’s look at the forecast.

    Best Leading Actor
    Richard Jenkins vs. Frank Langella vs. Sean Penn vs. Brad Pitt vs. Mickey Rourke

    Rourke won both the Bafta and the Golden Globe for his work in this film. He should be the leading favourite. If anyone were to steal it from him, it would probably be Sean Penn. Penn has the experience here. Rourke will have to outwit his opponent. Meanwhile, Langella just doesn’t have the stamina to keep up with Rourke and Penn. The other two are curtain-jerkers at best. Brad Pitt may have name recognition, but so does Rey Mysterio. It means nothing in a match like this.

    Forecast: Mickey Rourke pins Langella for the win. Penn tries to make the save but is blindsided by Pitt.

    Best Supporting Actress
    Amy Adams & Viola Davis vs. Penélope Cruz vs. Taraji P. Henson vs. Marisa Tomei

    It seems unfair to put a tag team into this match, but to be fair, those girls will need all the help they can get. Tomei was nominated for the Bafta but Penélope Cruz picked it up. Both were nominated for the Golden Globe, but Kate Winslet somehow picked it up. Now, Winslet is nowhere to be seen in this match-up. Without Winslet there, Cruz is the favourite to take the gong away from Tomei. Tomei will struggle here. Cruz may prove to be just too strong.

    Forecast: Penélope Cruz wins by countout when Winslet doesn’t make it back to the category in time.

    GEMINI, CANCER, LEO, VIRGO, LIBRA, SCORPIO, SAGITTARIUS, CAPRICORN, AQUARIUS, PISCES, ARIES: Today is a good day. You’ve already enjoyed quite a nice morning and the day will only get better. You seem to get along with everyone today. Apart from those grumpy Tauruses. They’re annoying and horrible and ugly too. Just last week, one of them spat in your mother’s face. Yeah. That’s how mean they are.

    TAURUS: For some reason, you feel like the whole world is against you today…

    Well, I do hope you enjoyed the first Sunday Fleece. I had fun writing it. At the moment, I plan to make this a fairly regular occurrence, though I reserve the right to take a break when there’s a slow news week.

    Also, I'd like to make this column as interactive as possible. I have some ideas that I'm currently formulating. The Letters page is already up and running. I'll be using real letters whenever I can. By switching around the supplements each week, I can always give a space to a guest editor if the feeling so takes me. If you have any ideas to help make this column more interactive/fun/all-around awesome, just let me know.

    Have a fleecey weekend.

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by Anonymous

    Welcome to the first addition of Inside The Mind. I am anonymous and I’d tell you a bit about myself but doing so would make my name meaningless. Lets get on with the show!

    Food For Thought

    Vince is dead! In a throwback to the attitude era, WWE did something interesting. Killing Vince was always going to be a risk but it’s paid off. Firstly, they’ve gained media attention from across the world. The Sun even did an article about it in the UK! I didn’t lower myself to reading it but it’s still quite impressive.
    Secondly, it gets Vince a much-needed holiday. Vince’s character is stale on television whilst off the television, Vince has definitely earnt a break. So, what does the “E” do when Vince finally cracks up from over-work? Kills off his character. Fantastic. I’m still waiting for reports from England that say Vince has been sighted. At least then he can claim to have been sent to hell….

    Slammiversary takes place! I watched it online this morning and couldn’t believe it. TNA actually produced a passable PPV! I’m not afraid to say I marked for Chris Harris. And Road Warrior Animal. Both men stepped up for their matches and looked great.

    The Draft Lottery kills Smackdown! I watched the draft lottery live and it was always clear which show needed the most talent- ECW. It was always clear that Raw was the strongest brand. But, the WWE doesn’t do things as we would. By stripping Smackdown of Booker, Benoit, Regal and Kennedy (The other two aren’t worth mentioning), they have removed nearly every quality wrestler from the show. Benoit, Booker and Regal are three of the best technical wrestlers in the business and Kennedy is the whole package. If Vince wasn’t already dead, I could kill him for that.
    Meanwhile, ECW had a tough first night. They lost their champion and 5 matches that night. Then in the next draft, they lost one of their originals in The Sandman. Old ECW fans should be glad Sandman’s gone to Raw. Vince may be shitting on you but, he saved Sandman from being killed by The Undertaker backstage. What would you prefer? Sandman being murdered or Sandman on Raw? Don’t answer that.
    However, ECW also gained a former main eventer. Someone that’s won 9 titles in his career. A former King of the Ring winner. I give to you


    Recently, posted an article about Viscera that questioned whether he even remembered winning the King Of The Ring tournament in 1995. His constant appearances on Heat, his battling of faces and heels on alternating weeks and his status as a jobber are a massive contrast to King Mabel aren’t they?
    Nelson Frazier Jr has been wrestling for 16 years now. Most of those years have been in WWE and they have all been under the monicas of Mabel or Viscera. He was given the name Mabel after his call up in 1993 and teamed with Robert Horne, named “Mo” at the time to form Men On A Mission Because of both the men’s inability to speak they were given a manager named “Oscar.” They were meant to be a heel tag-team who could be seen as a legitimate threat to the titles.
    This failed miserably. WWF tried to promote them in a comic way and it didn’t take long for the fans to turn them face. For some reason, a 400 pound man dancing to the ring to a rapping manager didn’t work for a heel team. They did win the tag-team titles for a short time but, before long, Mabel found himself in a jobbing tag-team.
    WWF once again decided to change their plans for Nelson and disposed of Oscar, the fan’s favourite and made Mo his manager. They built him up in the way only WWF can. By turning him heel and feeding him jobbers. But, beating Adam Bomb couldn’t get Nelson over. They needed him to do something big. And then it arrived.

    King of the Ring 1995

    Nelson won the King of the Ring tournament in what was to be his biggest push. In doing so he beat The Undertaker and Savio Vega in two of the biggest upsets in WWF history. Admittedly there was interference in both matches but, the record books only show that Mabel won the 2005 King of the Ring tournament.
    Following this win, Mabel adopted the gimmick of being King Mabel (who said wwe repeated their storylines?) and went on to fight Diesel at Summerslam. He lost, and after a short feud with The Undertaker, Nelson got injured. Whilst injured, WWF released Nelson and Mo, until 1999.
    During this stint, he improved his reputation round the indy circuits and had a fairly high profile feud with Jerry Lawler. Role Forward to 1999….

    1999 Royal Rumble

    Nelson (as Mabel), returned to the WWE in 1999 as Mr McMahon’s enforcer. However, it took creative just a few weeks until they changed their plans again and made up a new gimmick for him. In the 1999 Royal Rumble, Mabel eliminated four superstars. But, he was then kidknapped by Acolytes and The Undertaker and “brainwashed” into joining the Ministry of Darkness. He was renamed Viscera and suddenly started to come to the ring in heavy black clothes and make-up. Nelson had become a goth!
    However, being a goth didn’t helped Nelson’s WWE career. He was rarely on television and was used as a jobber again. Things didn’t look good when he lost the Hardcore title to Funaki and lost to the ultimate jobber in Al Snow. After bizarrely defeating Chris Jericho, Nelson was released for a second time.
    After his release, Nelson worked on the British Indy circuit in Britain before returning to America and working primarily in Memphis. He was then called up by TNA and worked under the name of Nelson Knight. He didn’t even last a year but, the exposure did lead to WWE asking him to come back for a third chance….

    September 16th 2004- Smackdown

    Viscera’s return was unexpected yet underwhelming. He adopted a role as JBL’s enforcer alongside Gangrel. After one episode of Smackdown where they managed to take The Undertaker out, they were quickly made to job to him. Gangrel wasn’t seen again but Viscera was shipped off to Raw. Viscera was stagnant on Raw. Jobbing to the stars and appearing on Heat has been a regular feature of his recent career and many expected his release to be on its way. However, adopting the gimmick of the “world’s largest love machine” has got Viscera mildly over. Despite not getting much in-ring action, Viscera has been involved in many amusing backstage skits.
    But, in the last month this has changed. Viscera has been used more in the ring and less backstage. His match against Lashley was well-booked and made Viscera look strong. He has also lost weight. The “world’s largest love machine” looks leaner and meaner. Could one last push be on its way?

    Nelson Frazier Jr may not be the greatest in-ring technician but, he puts on passable matches. He’s an experienced wrestler and ECW needs someone like him. Heel or face, Nelson can be taken seriously as a challenger if he’s booked correctly. He will never be a champion but, he still serves a purpose. He’s 35 years old, getting himself into shape and on a roster that needs a star. Maybe it’s time for Nelson to get a third chance?

    Any feedback would be appreciated – good or bad. Sorry if it’s short but it took ages to write. I'll post another column for my 200th post...

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by Julian Phoenix

    Flight Of The Phoenix
    Volume 18

    Hello, and welcome back to the column that promises to soar to new heights when it comes to all topics of the wrestling genre of entertainment, Flight Of The Phoenix, with me, Julian Phoenix.

    My, oh my, where has time gone? It seems only yesterday I was waiting on pins and needles for Stanman to announce the winner of the July Column Of the Month Contest, and now August is almost over, with a brand new contest on the horizon. I think its still too early to decide who is going to get JP’s vote, because I’ve been greatly impressed this month with the work you guys have been able to produce. Two new columns that really caught my attention this month would defiantly have to be buldwerk’s Enter the Machine, as well as Stinger’s A View From The Rafters. Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to leave out Random or Xan, either; two guys that consistently put out outstanding work. This should make for a highly competitive contest (as usual).

    For those of you out there who read my main-page column, I must first say thank you, and then apologize. It could have been a lot better than it was, however, communication between myself and Stan got jumbled around and he ended up posting a copy of it prior to my revisions. I’ve gotten nothing but positive feedback on it so far, so really, I can’t complain too much.

    As my role as a full-timer once again is drawing ever nearer with the approaching month of September, I wanted to get one more column out before August becomes a distant memory. To tell the God’s honest truth, I’m pretty much going to wing this edition of FOTP. Usually, I know about how long each column will be, as well as a rough idea of what I’m going to say. This time, however, that is not the case, as I’m going to just be pretty much writing as I go.

    What I can tell you, though, is that this column is going to discuss something that I’m sure most of us are going through right now. It concerns being a member of the IWC, and how our outlook on the entire sport of wrestling becomes affected as a result. I know I have a reputation for being hard on the IWC, but I assure you, this column will take a sympathetic, and at times, depressing look at what we as Internet wrestling fans have to go through. I can’t promise anything, but I think it’ll turn out to be more intriguing than watching PVP attempt to write a good column.

    **waits for exclamations of amazement to die down**

    Yeah, tell me about it. Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, though, because here comes….

    Verbal Diarrhea: The
    Mismanaged, Mangled, And
    Miscarried Thoughts Of Julian

    --Did anyone else laugh at the fact that JBL wore his hat on top of his neck apparatus on Thursday? I know I mentioned in a previous column that certain, small things like that are what really get a character over with the fans. Another good example of JBL doing this was when he crawled out his limousine after being corralled around the arena by Eddie Guerrero, and even though he was completely humiliated and covered with food, he still put on his hat. You gotta love it.

    --Can someone tell me how many slip-ups took place during the Kane/Lita wedding on Monday? From Lita’s pitiful fumbling over her own words, to Kane’s horrible way of taking the Twist of Fate, the entire segment just left a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve not had a problem with the Pregnancy Angle as much as some of my peers have, but I must say the wedding was really stupid – even stupider than I imagined.

    --Once again, it’s blatantly obvious that Carmella is going to win the Diva Search, as The Rock just happened to single her out during his segment on Monday.

    --I got a kick out of the fact that the wedding orchestra on Monday played Kane’s entrance theme on their instruments.

    --WWE really needs to think up some entrance music for Randy Orton. It didn’t make sense to have him come out the Evolution theme, complete with the video showing the guys that beat the shit out of him just a week earlier.

    --I laughed out loud when Triple H palmed Victoria’s face and shoved her out of the way when she was talking to Bischoff.

    --Sorry to spoil it for all the many fans that tune in to Sunday Night Heat, but Chris Benoit was booked in a match against Tyson Tomko. Wow, going from the World Champion and headlining SummerSlam, to main-eventing a second-rate show. Un-fucking-believable, and equally appalling.

    --Apparently, many fans left RAW when it became clear the wedding was about to start. Funny, because a few minutes into it, I got the strange urge to leave my living room.

    --I was joking, PVP.

    That’s that. Onto the topic at hand, you slovenly dogs you.

    I Should Have Taken The Blue

    Before we go any further, I think it’s only fair that I explain my reasoning for titling this volume of FOTP what I did, because I’ll bet most of you are completely lost. I’m sure at least some of you reading out there probably saw the first Matrix movie. If you did, you might remember the famous seen that involved Laurence Fishburne and Keanu Reeves, where Fishburne’s character, Morpheus, gives Reeve’s character, Neo, the choice of taking a red pill or blue pill. If Neo chooses to take the blue pill, then he will wake up in his bed and continue living his life as if nothing had ever happened, and forget ever meeting Morpheus or The Agents. If he took the red pill, however, he would learn the truth about the world and everything he wanted to know about Morpheus. As we all know, Neo ends up choosing the red pill and learns the dark truth about the world; a world that is nothing like the one that he knew.

    In the case of wrestling fans, I see “the matrix” as being the world that the casual wrestling fans dwell; a world where they have an invisible blanket pulled over their eyes to blind them from most, if not all, of the things that might tamper with the rosy outlook they have for wrestling. We IWC’ers, on the other hand, live in the “real world” (the world Keanu Reeves chose) of wrestling. We know the truth about everything that goes on with the biz, behind the scenes or otherwise, and often times, the truth is anything but positive. In other words, we chose to take the red pill, the minute we read or first show spoiler, read a rumor about our favorite wrestler, or wrote our first wrestling column. Strange way of thinking, perhaps, but I feel it fits.

    Much like Joe Pontoliano’s character, Cypher, I regret ever taking “the red pill” and wish I opted for the blue instead. I long to go back to a time when I thought nothing but good things about the sport I love, and forget the truth about wrestling, much like Cypher wanted to leave “the real world” and go back to “the matrix”. I want to go back to a time where I didn’t know such things like backstage politics, low superstar moral, embarrassing show ratings, or low fan attendance for events even existed. All I want is to just sit down and fully enjoy watching wrestling like I did before, and not critique and dissect everything I see. I want to enjoy the product; enjoy it like I did before I became a member of the Internet Wrestling Community.

    Before you think ‘ol JP has finally gone of the deep end, I want you to hear me out. I know what I’m talking about (I hope), and I’m sure many of you reading this feel the same way.

    Ever since I became a member of the IWC, my entire outlook on the state of wrestling has changed. Before, I used to always see the bright side of things. I would always defend the product from some of my more pessimistic friends (who probably already took "the red pill") and point out all the good parts of the biz. Then, after I became a member of the Internet Wrestling Community myself, I, too, also succumbed to the cynical nature that I once hated in my friends.

    There’s no denying that each of us love wrestling for our own special reasons. Equally, threes no denying the fact that most of the “news” concerning wrestling is negative, and as a consequence, counteracts our positive outlook on wrestling. From poor ratings for the shows, to low moral, to backstage politics, etc. By constantly reading these negative things about wrestling, we are hurting our overall enjoyment of the product. We wrestling columnists have it the worst, because it’s our job to pick apart the biz and explore every single ugly, little detail concerning it. We can’t just simply sit down, watch RAW, SmackDown!, or TNA and enjoy it, because we’re so used to being so critical of the product as a result of writing our columns. It goes without saying that sometimes the things we write about are not always positive.

    The price we pay for writing good, well-rounded columns that cover every aspect of the show, good and bad, is that our overall enjoyment of product is hurt, just like the price for reading a spoiler for a show ruins your enjoyment of it if you happen to watch the show later on. I would bet money that before all of you started reading news/columns/etc on LOP, or other sites, you probably enjoyed wrestling a lot more. I really can’t imagine anyone’s enjoyment of wrestling increase after they became a member of the IWC. If this has in fact happened to some of you out there, by all means, please share that with everyone. I would really like to know how you’ve managed to keep up you’re “fandom”, for lack of a better word, despite you being a member of the IWC.

    I know I might be confusing some with what I’m saying. You might be thinking what I mean is that the only way to fully enjoy wrestling, is to remain ignorant of all of the dirty, little secrets that might go on backstage, once all the flash and pyro dies down. In other words, reject the red pill. To be honest with you, I think that that might be exactly what I’m saying (remember, I’m winging this shit). Sure, their will always be moments that occur that bring you shades of the feelings you once got from watching the shows, before your enjoyment became corrupted by joining the Internet Wrestling Community. There will always be moments like that that make it seem like all is right in the wrestling world, but I can guarantee you, though, as soon as you turn on your computer and log onto lordsofpain, and read about the next wrestler that has died of a drug overdose, or your favorite wrestler being fired because the WWE “didn’t have anything for them”, or that the show you just enjoyed the hell out of scored a 2.9 rating, you will come crashing back down to Earth and forget all about the good feeling you had just seconds earlier.

    Well, if this is in fact the case, why do we keep reading news and rumors if it is slowly eating away at our enjoyment of the product? To that question, I have no answer. Even though I'm all but certain my thesis is correct, I still find the urge to click on links that say “Possible PPV **SPOLIERS**” or “WWE Wrestler in Hot Water with Management”. Curiosity is a strong feeling that humans’ posses, and sometimes, it gets us hurt. Often times, it’s not even a case of being curious, it might be just a force of habit for us to click on the glowing “**SPOILER**” link, because we’ve done it so many times in the past. We might be too impatient to wait for the show and see what happens, so we run to the spoilers to assuage our desire for wrestling, even though when/if you watch the show later on, you don’t enjoy it nearly as much as you would if you hadn’t read the spoiler. You become angry because you grew impatient and cheated yourself out of enjoying the show, because you opted to read the spoiler instead.

    I suppose with information, comes a price. Sure, we now have access to the goings on backstage that otherwise; we would have no way of knowing. We now have the option of finding out things that happen in show, before they even happen. However, the fact remains that you lose a generous portion of your “fandom” each time you partake in this “forbidden pleasure”. I think there comes a time in the life of every member of the IWC that they become less of a fan and more of a critic. The biggest gripe you’ll probably ever hear from a non-IWC fan is that they don’t like certain wrestlers for whatever reason, and that’s about it. Stuff behind the scenes, ratings, and what have you, hardly, if ever, come up.

    While I do not like most members of the IWC, I still feel pity for our entire community as a whole. The very group we belong to that gives us access to a multitude of information, as well as a medium to connect with other fans we would never meet otherwise, is the very thing that slowly takes away our unconditional love of wrestling, in favor for a more pessimistic, critical view of our beloved sports entertainment.


    How sad that is.

    Flight In A Nutshell

    As a consequence for being a member of the Internet Wrestling Community (taking the red pill), our overall enjoyment and love of the sport takes second place in favor of a more cynical, negative outlook of the entire wrestling business.


    Alright kiddies, the ad-libbed FOTP Volume 18 is now officially in the bag. If nothing else, it certainly was an interesting edition, to say the very least. Hopefully you all won’t be too confused by it and will discover for yourself my main point, at least in some form, that I stated in “Flight In A Nutshell”.

    I’m not really sure when another new column will be out, but most likely during the first week of September. In the mean time, look forward to seeing the lackluster *first* edition of FOTP, thanks to the great idea of “Retro Week” thought up by the Queen of LOP, Ms. Tina. I must admit, I’m kind of worried, because I’ve given a few new columnists a hard time for their first columns in the past, when really, my inaugural effort was anything but special. Nonetheless, I’m sure we’re all in for a few good laughs at each other's expense.

    That's all for this week. As always people, thanks for flyn’ with the Phoenix.

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  14. #14
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Deep in the heart

    Hello, all, and welcome once again to AATG. To those of you reading one of these for the first time, simply welcome. Been a while since I sat down to do a proper one of these, and I had planned to do so with my entry for the latest round of CSI.

    Alas, various stuff got in the way, and instead of tossing something together in literally the last hour I chose to just post an old column that had nothing at all to do with either the topic given to my group, or really CSI altogether. Was this a smart move? No. Was this a move made simply to try and cover my ass and maybe, just maybe, move on due to folks no showing this round? Yes.

    So yeah, think of me what you will on that front. Thing is, though, that I really did have a column idea for the thing. One that I was kinda digging on, actually. I found that, CSI deadlines and such be damned, I wanted to write this column. So, instead of just letting this idea go to waste, as so many have before it, I sat down and wrote it.

    With the CSI competition, and the rules that came with it, no longer hanging over my head, I kinda decided to take this in somewhat of a different direction. It was supposed to be the most controversial thing I could come up with and all that, and that was the plan when I sat down to write. I found, though, that it took on a life all it's own as the words came forth, and wound up not being that controversial at all. More sad, really.

    I'll shut up now and just get to it. Before that, though, I offer one more apology to the folks who busted ass to get their CSI columns done, and done properly. I'm quite sure my run in the competition has now drawn to a close due to my little shenanigans and all that, and I regret that I was unable to give it as good a shot as I had hoped for initially.

    That said, I've never been the contest guy. Never been the guy who writes for any reason other than simply loving to write. In other words, you haven't heard the last from Your Ayatollah. By a long shot. Enough chit chat, as I'm sure the vast majority of you could give a flying fuck. This intro has gone on long enough, so, without further ado...


    Dear Eddie,

    It’s been a while since I wrote to you, and I’m sorry about that. Between my schedule with work, trying to keep up with everything around here, and Nancy’s constant shit, I just kind of let it slip away from me.

    That’s bull, and you know it. I should know better than to try and lie to you, Eddie, my brother, my soulmate. The reason I stopped writing is Nancy. She told me it was stupid to write to you, that I was crazy. She told me that I should just let you go, that you being gone wasn’t the end of the world.

    She never understood us, Eddie. Never understood what you meant to me, how you were the only person in the world who I could go to with all my problems, no matter how large or small, and not feel judged. She never understood that you were more a family to me than she could ever be, than even David or Magen, or even little Daniel, could ever be. She could never understand, even though she was once part of it as well, that our business makes friendships such as ours the most important thing in our lives.

    I tried to turn to Mike over the past year or so, but he was taken away, too, just like you. You always spoke of God, of His wisdom, of His plans for us, and how everything that happens in our lives is His will. I’ve tried to see that plan, Eddie. I’ve tried to figure out what He could possibly be trying to show me by taking all of my friends, my brothers, away. I just can’t see the plan, Eddie.

    It’s been hard. So hard. I have nobody to turn to now, nobody to trust in, nobody to believe in, nobody to lend a helping hand when I feel like I’m falling. And I am falling, Eddie. It’s all become a big game anymore. She mocks me for not being able to get it up because of the meds, not seeming to care that if it weren’t for those meds we wouldn’t have this big house, this fancy life. She doesn’t seem to care that it’s not the meds at all, that it’s her. That I can’t even stand to look at her anymore. That it’s gotten to where I hate coming home, hate having to put up with the abuse.

    Actually, maybe she does know. I think she figured out what I’ve been doing with Michelle. If so, that must have hurt her pretty bad, knowing that while I can’t get it up for her tired ass, I can go all night with Michelle. I hope she does know. And I hope it does hurt.

    Because she’s hurt me, Eddie, in ways that no man should have to put up with. She belittles me in front of my friends, my co workers, my own child. How am I supposed to be the man that Daniel looks up to, his hero, when he constantly hears her screaming at me, calling me names, belittling my manhood? How is he supposed to learn how to be a man when he sees her hit me, beat me? And what kind of message is she forcing me to send him when she pushes me to strike back, forces me to do things I would have once never thought I was capable of?

    I need your help, Eddie, now more than ever. You see, she has taken it too far. She took you away from me. She has taken away my manhood. She has even taken away my son, in many ways, as I can’t stand to be around her anymore, even if it means I have to stay away from Daniel, too. But she’s been on my ass a lot, lately, about quitting the business. So now she’s trying to take away my Gift, too. Now she’s trying to take away my very life.

    I can’t let her do it, Eddie. I can’t. And I can’t just walk away and leave Daniel alone with her. She’s drinking so much, Eddie. And the pills. My God, the pills. It’s gotten to where she’s so messed up all the time that I don’t even recognize the woman I fell in love with anymore. How could I leave my son, my precious, innocent Daniel, alone with this stranger?

    The answer is simple. I can’t. Walking away from my family, admitting defeat, is something I just can’t do.

    I never thought it would come to this, never thought I would even consider doing what I now find myself thinking of.

    I used to love her, Eddie. But I have to kill her.

    I know that you would try to talk me out of it, try and tell me to turn it over to God, to put it in his hands. But there’s no other option, don’t you see that? I can’t just let her take everything away from me. I can’t just allow her to make all our work, all our sacrifices, amount to nothing. I just can’t…. do this anymore.

    I’ve thought this over and over in my mind, tried to come up with some solution, and nothing comes. Except for this. Tonight, after the BBQ, I’m going to confront her. I’ll give her one last chance, one final out. The Nancy I loved, the Nancy I married and planned to spend the rest of my life with, deserves that.

    But if she won’t let up, if she raises that shrill voice, if she pops those fucking pills and downs that bottle of wine like every night here lately, she’ll have run out of chances. I already know what I’ll do. I’ll make it look like a robbery gone bad. Knock her out, tie her up, and then just choke her out peacefully.

    Is that sick? Is that wrong? Or is it sick that she’s made me think this way? Is it wrong that she’s pushed me so far that this extreme is my only recourse?

    I don’t know what I’ll do after that. We’ve got the PPV this weekend, maybe I can just take Daniel with me. Ask the neighbor woman who he’s been going to for riding lessons to check in on Nancy while we’re gone, tell her she’s been sick or something and that’s why she didn’t come along. Let her discover the body, play up the robbery thing, and let it go from there.

    I don’t know, Eddie, but I’m sure everything will become more clear when the demon who has taken over my beautiful Nancy is gone. I’m sure Daniel and I will move on just fine without her, that our lives will finally be ours again. That as messed up as it may sound, one day we’ll look back and see that this was the best thing that ever happened to us. That this weekend will be the one that changed everything.

    Rest well, Eddie, and know that she will never come between us again. I love you, my brother.



    Alright, there it is. Would it have made a difference if I'd been able to get it in under the deadline? Doubtful, as it likely would have been a much different column, full of attempts at generating controversy and stuff. But I dig it, regardless. I do hope that you guys did, too.

    This Pick of the Week gimmick has undergone so many changes over the years that I frankly can't remember what the hell it was last time I wrote one of these. So I'm just going to drop it. Maybe it'll be back, maybe it won't. With all the new blogs and stuff, though, as well as the multitude of threads in which to find good tunes and the like down in the Music subforum, me saying some album or song is rawkin' has kinda outlived it's usefulness. Besides, that was the one thing in AATG that people used to bitch at me about more than anything.

    That'll about wrap this one, sirs and ma'ams. I wish the best of luck to all the CSI participants, and I encourage everyone, be they in the competition or not, to keep doing what you're doing. This place has been a bit more quiet than I'm used to since my return, but the quality is still top notch. I've called this the best place on the interwebs for wrestling writing for over 8 years, now, and that opinion has not changed.

    As I said before, I hope you guys enjoyed reading as much as I did writing, or at the very least didn't think it sucked retarded puppy balls. Regardless your thoughts, I welcome any and all feedback you may want to send my way, as always. It's been real, folks, and here's hoping the time we spend apart treats everyone well. Until we reconvene to do it all again, whether it be a few days or a few months, you guys take care of yourselves out there in the really real world. Much love, kids. Later.


  15. #15
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Deep in the heart
    (Your Ayatollah's Note: I post this here for two reasons. One, it seemed to resonate with a lot of folks and stands as one of my more highly thought of columns. Two, it was one of the very few of my old things I was able to find via the Wayback Machine. With a few hundred columns lost in the ether over the years, I guess vanity has finally caught up with me and dictated that I make the effort to save at least one of the damn things.

    I have not reread it. Nor do I intend to. This was written during an extremely fucking dark period in my life, as I suppose is evidenced in the content, and I'm quite simply just not the same dude anymore. Still, it is neat to see how I've evolved in these last few years. It should also stand as an example to anyone reading it who may be experiencing their own dark period. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes the curves are breakneck and the road seems impossibly fucking long, but the light does eventually shine through.



    Hello, all, and welcome once again to AATG. It's been a little while since we did a proper one of these, and for that you have my apologies. The inspiration just hasn't been there, for whatever reason, and I just don't have it in me to halfass my way through something that has meant so damn much to me over the past 8 years.

    Some of you may be reading one of these for the first time, and to you I simply say welcome, and thank you for taking the time. As for those who have read one or fifty of these over the past long, long time, I do hope that life has treated you all well since we got together to do it last. Me? I'm not so sure how I've been. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, and such is life. Most of the time, though, any complaints I have aren't worth mentioning, as there are yon proverbial buttload of folks out there who have it a helluva lot worse.

    There has been something weighing very heavily on my mind for entirely too long, though, which is why we're here tonight. I've used this column as a platform through which to purge my psyche of shit for awhile, as mentioned before, though I haven't done it in a long time. I'm hoping that it still works, as I'm quite tired of carrying this around with me every day.

    I'll kill the jibba jabba and get to it already, I suppose. Be forewarned, this is going to be a very personal column. Perhaps the most personal I've ever written, which I know is kinda saying something. It's haunted me for awhile, though, and I feel as though I need to do it. Whatever. Either way, without further ado...


    The memories are still so vivid. So real that if I close my eyes and fade away, I can almost feel myself living it all over again. It was almost a year ago when Kimberly hit me up on MySpace and told me she was moving back to this two bit town, and that she wanted to see me. I was thrilled, as she was not only one of my oldest friends, but also someone for whom I'd harbored some pretty heavy feelings for quite some time. Even I didn't know just how deep those feelings ran.

    I did my usual flirty bit, and instead of just laughing it off as in the past, she reciprocated. Flirting turned to serious talk, and it quickly lead to us planning to meet as soon as possible to see if we could make something of the mutual crush we had shared for almost 12 years.

    I was her first stop upon hitting town, as she literally came by the store where I work before she even went to her new place to drop off her shit. As I told her I would, I greeted her with a massive hug and, after swallowing the butterflies that had suddenly come to life in my stomach, a kiss. Nothing spectacular, but there was a spark. We both felt it, and it kinda took our breaths away.

    I've often found myself wondering how it must feel to be one of those unfortunate souls who gets the "Future Endeavors" treatment. After years, sometimes almost a lifetime, of striving to reach the pinnacle of your chosen profession, you suddenly find yourself back on the outside looking in.

    It must be jarring, to say the least. No matter the circumstances, no matter how long the writing had been on the wall, to suddenly find yourself no longer a WWE Superstar, instead nothing more than just a dude without a job, must knock the wind out of you. Make you reevaluate what you've been doing all this time. It must break your fucking heart.

    That's to say nothing of the feeling of inadequacy, the knowledge that you gave it your best shot and failed for all the world to see. No matter how high you soared in your most glorious moments with the company, to know that you, quite simply, weren't good enough anymore must be an incredibly jagged little pill to swallow.

    She came back later that night, and we gave each other a proper greeting. Caught up a little bit, laughed, all that stuff that comes naturally between two people who have known each other for over a decade. Neither of us had forgotten that feeling, though, that electricity, that we felt when our lips had finally met earlier in the evening.

    So it quickly just turned into us making out like a couple of kids. In the midst of all this, I had some music on, as I almost always do at any given time. I didn't know, nor care, what song was playing. Quite suddenly, though, everything came sharply into focus. Our eyes met, and her smile faded. This wasn't a little make out party anymore. No more joking and silliness and all that. This had, out of the blue, just gotten real serious real fast. We found ourselves dancing to With Or Without You, lost in one another, and I realized something that I'd been denying even to myself for a very long time.

    I loved this girl. And, as she later said she realized at that moment, herself, she loved me, too. Neither of us mentioned it. We just kept dancing, foreheads pressed together and eyes locked, completely stolen away from our surroundings by the magic of what was unfolding in front of us.

    Sure, being released by WWE isn't the end of the world. In some cases it has perhaps worked out for the better. Kurt Angle very well may have wound up another casualty had he kept on pushing himself, getting doped out of his mind on pills to make it through the next show on an incredibly trying schedule. Victoria, who had been written off by the E as too old to be of any worthwhile service, found herself in something of a career renaissance with her TNA run. Perhaps that hasn't worked out so great in the long run, but the fact remains that she felt she had something left to contribute, and she did so. In spades.

    Still, though, for a guy like Shelton Benjamin or Scotty 2 Hotty, who suddenly found themselves without a gig after years of service to the company, it surely took a toll on their self esteem, as well as their overall psyche. I mean, let's get real, here, nobody expected Scotty to be World champ one day, and it's been fairly obvious for probably three or four years that Shelton was just never going to take that next step. That said, it's not like they sucked or something. It's not like they were troublemakers or getting too deep into the meds.

    They simply weren't needed anymore. And that fact, more than anything else, for those two and the litany of others who have found themselves looking for a ring in which to ply their trade after having participated in some of the most incredible events ever seen, must keep a motherfucker up at night.

    Fast forward a bit. By this point we had long since moved beyond the nervousness and fear of submitting to the feelings we shared, and had instead embraced it for what it was. And what it was, plain and simple, was fucking amazing. For the first time in my adult life, despite having had a few serious relationships in the past, I found myself feeling complete and truly happy. Like there was nothing missing, you know? She, by all accounts and what I saw with my own eyes, felt the same way.

    We were wandering around Wal Mart one night, as we were apt to do for some reason, and had a great time. I won't go into it all, though it was quite possibly the most memorable night of my life, and not just for the reasons I will relate to you now.

    We were walking out of the store and, all of a sudden, it started raining. She popped her trunk and we loaded the various shit we'd bought in there, and i turned around to find her looking at me. Rain running down her face, dripping from her hair, and those eyes filled with the beginnings of what looked to be tears. I made the move to ask what was wrong, but before I think either of us knew what was happening, we were lost again. Foreheads pressed together, lips entwining in a lovers' embrace, dancing in the rain to a song that only we could hear. It was, without exaggeration, the most purely perfect moment of my entire life.

    We barely spoke on the way home, simply holding hands and occasionally stealing glances at one another. There was something in the air, that same electricity from before, and we were but slaves to its whims. We got home and immediately found ourselves stripping off clothes, all that stuff you have no interest in hearing, and that I have no interest in imparting to you. I will say, though, that looking down on her that night, her face lit by candlelight and the occasional flash of lightning, and not only hearing her whisper it but seeing it as clear as day in her incredible eyes, that I have never known a moment of such pure love. Cheesy? Sure. But no less true.

    Where do you go next, you know? Is TNA interested? What about Japan, or maybe Mexico? Will you ever reach the heights you knew previously, ever again truly feel as though you're living the dream? Or is it basically over, leaving you nothing more than a shell of your former self, seeking to find at least even a glimmer of what you once knew, once took for granted?

    For many it is pretty much the end. Nothing but love to the dude, but chances are that Mike Knox ain't gonna show up in TNA and become the thing that pushes them over the top. Sho Funaki, as much as I've always loved the guy, isn't going to set the world on fire via some random match against a guy that 97% of wrestling fans have never even heard of. Even Mickie James, quite probably the best female wrestler in WWE since Trish's departure, more than likely isn't going to find herself a rejuvenated household name via a feud with Velvet Sky or my beloved Daffney.

    That sucks, to be sure, as all of those I've mentioned deserved better than what they got, in my opinion. Why couldn't Shelton just go on as a jobber, helping younger guys learn the craft? Who the fuck could look at Mickie and think that she was too fat or whatever to live up to the Diva standard? And why couldn't poor Funaki have gone on to be an agent, or the mentor to a guy like Yoshi Tatsu?

    You got me. WWE, though, quite obviously didn't see any of that stuff for these folks. I don't blame them, of course. You can't just keep someone on the roster because they do one or two things well, or because they've got a vocal minority of fans supporting them. Things change, new stars come up, and in professional wrestling, everyone is expendable. From the biggest of stars to the lowliest of curtain jerkers, every dog has his day. Some of those days just roll around a bit sooner than others.

    A few months into the relationship, we hit a bit of a rough patch. I felt she wasn't being completely honest with me about some things, and she seemed to not want to be around me quite as much as before. Lots of stuff went into all that, which I'll spare you from having to hear, but at the end of the day, we were still very much in love. Every single moment we were together was like some fairy tale type shit, and we both said multiple times that even the rougher times with one another were worlds better than the best of times with anyone else.

    One weekend she needed some Fall clothes for work, so we set out to spend the day together. I bought her a bunch of clothes, we met up with my brother and chatted a bit, and all seemed well in the world. She was holding onto me like she was afraid I was going to run away or something, and almost every single time I looked in her direction, I found her looking right back at me, telling me all I needed to know with those eyes. The rough patch was over, we were happy, and I felt like I was on top of the world.

    Unfortunately, it didn't stay that way. A mere five days after all that, it was over via the 21st Century version of a Dear John letter. A text message. 12 years of friendship, and one of the most intense relationships I've ever seen, much less been a part of, was over with five little words.

    "I can't do this anymore."

    She never told me why, only that she didn't feel she could give me what I needed in the relationship. I didn't even get the courtesy of hearing her voice again, as that was all said via text message, as well. I haven't heard her voice since the day before it happened, actually, nor have I seen her.

    I blamed myself. I still do. I don't know exactly what it was I did, but I must've done something to make her feel as though I was unhappy, that I needed more from her. I must've pushed her too hard, expected too much, or quite simply not lived up to what she needed me to be. With no explanation or reason given for the collapse of something that I honestly thought could have been forever, the question of what I did wrong has haunted me for almost seven months. And the incredible pain of knowing that I fucked up the best thing that has ever happened to me keeps me up at night. Makes me hate myself. Makes me wish I were dead.

    When it's all said and done, when it's all over and the dream, in a manner of speaking, is dead, all that remains are memories of what once was and hopes for what may one day be. Sure, the pain, the self doubt, probably eats at these guys for years, sometimes until the end of their lives. Some of which, unfortunately, have been entirely too brief.

    Would Umaga be alive today had he not been cut? What about Test, or Crash Holly? What about Curt Hennig? Who knows? One can't, of course, blame Vince or WWE for the foolish actions of some guys who they used to employ. But it does make you wonder just how much the loss of the most important thing in their lives played into where they ended up.

    In the end, most of them probably take it, process it as best they can, and move on with their lives. I mean, hell, what else can you do? And while some members of the Future Endeavors Club probably hate Vince and WWE for taking away their shot, their life's passion, I'm sure that not a one of them would ever give any of it back. Despite the embarrassment and pain of having been publicly tossed out like a used up piece of trash that no longer serves any purpose, the memory remains, and nothing can take that away. For a brief time, they had it all.

    One can only hope that they can live with that fact and make something of all that remains. It's not over, even if their best days are seemingly behind them. They have my sympathy, and my heartfelt best wishes on all their future endeavors.

    My friends, of course, told me I should hate her. That it wasn't my fault, that I gave her all I could and that I asked no more from her than was to be expected from someone with whom you're in a relationship. I appreciated all that, and still do, but I don't buy it, and I can't make myself hate her. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I wish I could sign up for the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind treatment and just erase it all from my memory. Find respite from the storm in the knowledge that ignorance truly is bliss.

    Because I can't get away from it. I've tried. My god, I've tried so fucking hard. And despite all the laughs and smiles and good times I've had since then, despite the fact that I sometimes, just sometimes, forget that it ever happened, it all comes back to me in dreams. Every single fucking night, she's there waiting for me in the Land of Nod, beckoning to me, leading me down the path of what might have been.

    Logic tells me that it wasn't all my fault, that it couldn't have been. I find slight comfort in that, though it's usually short lived. And my friends have told me repeatedly that we just weren't meant to be, that perhaps I was blind to the fact that we weren't what I thought we were due to my desire to be loved, to be a part of something amazing. But they weren't there. They didn't ever wake up to find those eyes, filled with tears of happiness, gazing at them from the next pillow over, all because she "can't believe she got so lucky as to finally be with me."

    As the biggest selling solo artist of all time once famously said, I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. In the end, that's true. If I could erase it all, if I could go back and stop it from ever happening, I wouldn't find myself feeling so incredibly broken, incapable of picking up the pieces to what I once was. I wouldn't find myself sitting here pining over some shit that happened almost a fucking year ago. I would be able to look myself in the eye, which I've been unable to do for a long, long time.

    But it's worth it. Every fucking second of pain, every single tear, is worth it. Because we did share the dance. And my god, was it was incredible.


    I know the wrestling tie in was weak, but you'll have to excuse me on that front. I just really needed to get this out. I hope it was at least worth the time you took to read it, and not some massive disappointment or waste of space or something. If anyone puts forth the opinion that it doesn't belong here among the work of guys who actually have something to say about wrestling, then I will delete it with no ill will.

    I'm glad I wrote it, though. It's not like some weight has magically now been lifted off my shoulders or something, nor is it like I'm over it all of a sudden and ready to go out and take on the world and every cute little bitch what resides in it. But at least it's not all bottled up inside anymore, eating at my brain like a rat in a cage.

    No Pick or anything this time around, as I do believe I've said quite enough for one evening. Again, if anyone thinks this doesn't belong here just say so, either right here in public or via PM, and I'll kill it. I wish you all the best in the days and nights ahead, and I encourage you to keep your eyes peeled for some potentially pretty awesome stuff set to pop up here in the CF in very short order. A bit cryptic, I know, but trust me, the stuff I have on tap has the potential to be about 37 different kinds of kickass. So stay tuned.

    Until we meet up to do this again, whenever that may be, you guys take care of yourselves out there in the really real world. Much love, people. Later.


  16. #16
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Deep in the heart
    (For those unfamiliar, the original Power Trip didn't feature Degenerate and I. It featured my then frenemy, fellow moderator and Hall of Famer, randomguy#5. The title, if you'd ever wondered, came from the fact that we were both mods. Clever, ain't it?

    I kept the series rolling after Random went bye-bye, eventually bringing Degenerate into the mix when he became a moderator. Eventually it kinda became our thing, to the point that we're still doing it all these years later.

    I just stumbled across this gem, though. It's the first ever edition of the Two Man Power Trip from all the way back in 2007, featuring myself and Random. You know what's awesome? You can pretty obviously see the building blocks for what the Power Trip would evolve into a decade later. Pretty cool stuff.



    Two Man Power Trip
    The Vader Does Topanga Edition

    Featuring randomguy#5 and YourAyatollah

    Sup fucker? So apparently we're both in the mood to write about wrestling these days which is strange enough as it is. Trying to combine it into one column though could make for either a very entertaining read or an epically long piece of CrapAtollah. Speaking of, that's your cue...let's talk 'rasslin.

    Oh, okay, I see what you did there. Take the intro so you can get the first shot in. Nice. CrapAtollah. Anyone ever tell you you're a goddamn comic genius? No? Good.

    Yeah, let's talk some 'rasslin. I guess we all know what the big news is this week, so we may as well address it right off the bat.

    What do you think of Brian Kendrick's move to Smackdown? And what, pray tell, does that mean for the future of Paul London?

    Yeah, because the move of Brian Kendrick is definitely the biggest news of the week. Fuck, I'd say it's the biggest thing since sliced bread. In fact, I dare say it's SLICED BREAD #2 !!!!!1!!!


    What this means for Paul London is that he's now going to end up in a Tag Team with Val Venis. I'd say he'll be released by SummerSlam because it's been rumored that Vince has hated him for a long time, but the fact of the matter is that at least were he released he could go scampering off to TNA and work matches with all the other midget ninjas over there. Since that would be, theoretically, a good thing for him I don't see that happening. So yeah, Val Venis...that's where he ends up.

    You do understand that under the current direction of this column we're well on our way to writing one of those boring current events columns that everybody in the CF bitches about, right?

    Yeah, I'm sure they'll be bitching because all we've done so far is talk about the impact of London and Kendrick breaking up. I know, I know, there have already been so many columns about that, why can't we come up with something original?

    You know what I say? Fuck it. If we want to talk about Brian Kendrick and how we'll never again see him run with his little buddy down to the ring with those masks on, forever robbing us of the SINGLE BEST entrance in professional wrestling history, one that wasn't annoying and superlame as hell, then that's what we'll talk about. I mean, seriously, what are they going to do? Ban us?

    Thing is, I could give half a shit about Brian Kendrick or his buddy London. You know who's badass, though? Vader. I've been watching a lot of Vader lately, and that dude should have been arrested for some of the shit he did to people. You ever dig on the Man They Call?

    Didn't he have a reoccurring role on "Boy Meets World"? That show ruled. I definitely went through a phase where I wanted to fuck that Topanga chick though, which is kinda odd given that I don't remember the exact time frame of that show's existence so it's entirely possible that she was like, 12, whilst I was 18 or some shit. I'm pretty sure though that we were right around the same age.....yeah I'd fuck her.

    You most certainly will not, sir. For Topanga is my bitch, and my bitch alone. Fuck you and Wonder Years guy's kid brother. That shit was juicy, son.

    Really, though, no Vader? Ever? That's fuckin' weak. Vader was the baddest motherfucker ever, I tell you. You ain't seen a powerbomb until you've seen a Vader powerbomb. Ask your boy Foley.

    That does make me wonder, though. You've never seen any Vader stuff, and, from what I sadly remember of your miserable life story, you started watching during the Attitude Era, correct? So just who, exactly, do you consider badass? Who's your measuring stick?

    I knew I wasn't the only one wanted to stick it to Topanga. And whilst awaiting your somewhat disappointing response some brief research with the power of Google informs me that the character "Topanga" is actually two years older than I am. (She turned 16 in an episode airing in 1996, when I was but 14). The actress who played her, Danielle Christine Fishel, is actually only a year older than me. Sweet! I'm not a pedophile!

    That’s a pretty damn nice picture of her though there are some really scary ones out there that will make you think we’re both shittin nuts. She definitely looked hotter on the show back in the day (as a teenager..whoops) but I'd probably still hit it now. I mean, uh....I'd like to take her out to a nice romantic dinner some evening and get to know know...listen to her hopes, dreams and fears.....and shit.

    Anyway, who's my measuring stick huh? Good question sir. Not just because it makes me think or because it's difficult to answer but because the chance to delve into something non-topical could potentially appease the forum dwellers.

    Stone Cold. Period. Paragraph.

    I realize that's an easy cop-out response but for my tastes Stone Cold Steve Austin is the quintessential sports-entertainer. Rock had better mic skills but he always came off a bit cartoony in the ring. Hogan was probably more charismatic but he couldn't sell radiation to a cancer patient. Bret Hart or a litany of others (please don't list them all..) were/are better in the ring work department but they couldn't entertain me if they were juggling hookers.

    No, for my money the true "measuring stick" by which all future professional wrestlers must be compared is Stone Cold. Honorable mentions go to The Rock, Triple H, Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels and Mick Foley.

    How bout you? Who you got?

    (ten to one says he comes back with The Undertaker....)

    Well, yeah, in terms of pure badassery, I've got Taker all the way. Dude's awesome. But overall all time? Austin was fun as hell, and had an intangible electricity when in the ring. His shit was exciting, you know? I thought the same thing when he was Stunning back in WCW, though I didn't think he'd ever really be anything.

    In terms of total package, I don't think anyone can touch Shawn Michaels. The only one who can come really close, in my opinion, is Flair. The difference between them is that Shawn is the evolution of Flair, meaning he has all the same qualities that made Naitch The Man for all those years, but has upgraded the move set, if you will. He can do the old school style that Flair was the best at along with all the lucha inspired highspots. Ever see Flair pull a moonsault? Not quite.

    So, Austin's the best ever, huh? I can't believe we've never really talked about this before, but who is your favorite wrestler? I always imagined it was Foley.

    Nah, it's Austin for all the reasons I said. Guy makes me wanna swallow broken glass for missing huge chunks of the Attitude Era (thanks a lot Mom and Dad cable..pft!) but thankfully in the world we live in everything is relivable courtesy of DVD's, WWE 24/7, YouTube and Limewire. Shit, I spend more time nowadays trolling for old school shit that I haven't seen than I do watching the current product. Not that I think it's that goddamn awful or anything, but relatively speaking, shit's goddamn awful.

    Speaking of trolling YouTube, courtesy of the link you sent me, I've concluded that The Vader Bomb makes The Batista Bomb look like The Sable Bomb. That dude should be fuckin dead.

    Foley is without a doubt the man. He might be my favorite person in wrestling. Guy just seems like a genuinely good dude overrall. He did a hell of a lot more with a hell of a lot less than guys like HHH, Rock or Austin and while he may not have been "electric" he was always damn entertaining. Plus, I think he's probably the greatest storyteller ever. That guy could take a mic and put over a bucket of piss. Seriously, he'd make you think the bucket of piss deserved a title shot before it was all over. It's a strange comparison really. It's like that girl you fell in love with in high school. Compared to like, Jessica Alba or somebody, she really ain't all that to look at and Jessica probably is better in virtually ever category. Well, in this fucked up comparison, Austin is Jessica Alba. But Foley just has that "it" factor for me that makes me love the guy. No Homo.

    Speaking of, what's your take on Cactus Jack's new role as color commentator for the Blue Brand, or for that matter, his new partner Jim Ross?

    Just one more good reason to watch Smackdown, on both counts. The more of those they can get the better, because I find it very difficult to give a flying fuck about Smackdown anymore. Now that they've got Kennedy, Jeff, JR, and Hunter, I can at least pretend I'm having a good time watching the show. Maybe we'll get lucky and Vader will show up and powerbomb the shit out of Vickie Guerrero. I say that not because I think she sucks, like most folks, but just because I want this shit to end. Like, months ago.

    It's weird, man, but I completely felt what you were talking about in that Born Again thing you wrote. I, too, have been going through a wane in my watching activities. Raw's the only show I watch all the way through anymore, and generally the only show I watch the day it actually happens. The other stuff I just fast forward through, at least once or twice without stopping a single time. I almost felt guilty.

    That's the cool thing about this Punk situation that got us all inspired and shit. It was pretty much totally unexpected, and really did a lot to bring a sliver of excitement back to the show.

    Thanks for props, your latest column sucked ass.

    Yeah, I agree that Punk's title win combined with the shakeup on Smackdown provides a sliver of excitement but at the same time can you really enjoy it? I mean, in the day or so since Raw went off the air and we both wrote our respective columns (way to steal my thunder, asshole) I already find myself waiting on the balloon to burst. It's like, "Yeah, I'm stoked now but I've felt this way before...they'll fuck it up." Is that just me being a cynical prick or is this actually the WWE trying something different? Maybe it's like you's awesome now but he's fucked when Randy comes back. And once SD gets settled in on My Network TV things will swing back over to Raw and all will be right (or wrong) in the world. Don't you think?

    I don't know about all that, man. I mean, you gotta figure that Hunter's not going to allow "his" show to be shitty, you dig? Him, the arrival of Ross, and hopeful pushes for the afore mentioned Hardy and Kennedy could add up to a Smackdown that's better than Raw. Sounds nuts, I know, but it's not like it's unprecedented.

    Remember when H was on Raw squashing RVD, Kane, Booker, and pretty much everybody? Meanwhile, on Smackdown, we've got Angle vs Lesnar, Eddie running hot, all kinds of goodness going on. Could that happen again? Perhaps. I'm kinda thinking, though, that maybe, for the first time since the brand split, they got this thing right. The shows are just about evenly balanced at the moment, and will be even moreso when Taker comes back before too long.

    And what if, man, what if Punk's not fucked when Randy comes back? What if he actually fends the creepy bastard off for a little bit, maybe even takes the strap into Mania? Sure, it's unlikely as hell, and I kinda doubt that he'll even still be champ until SummerSlam, but it could happen. It's cliche as all hell, but man, anything really can happen. This past Monday, while not exactly the bestest shit in the history of ever, was very much exciting and unexpected. While it isn't quite enough to make me clean off my rose tinted glasses one more time, it does at least give me hope that we may have finally turned a corner.

    You know what's really awesome? Victoria's ass. Why doesn't my favorite crazy bitch get more attention? I'd much rather see her in Playboy than your unwitting jerk companion, Maria.

    Dude, I can't help it. I mean, don't get me wrong, Maria's still the finest thing this side of Topanga, but you remember back in the day when she was doing the ditzy backstage interview girl schtick? Oh my god bro, I went through three keyboards courtesy of that shit. There's just something about a hot girl with those big beautiful eyes and DSL's that makes me want do shit that's illegal in most states. I don't give a fuck what Uncle Joe says, that girl's hot.

    As for She was awesome back in the day when she was still fucking crazy. Her feud with Trish? Her cage match with Lita? Awesome. Then she started dancing and it made me want to club a baby seal. I realize that some guys, apparently you among them, are more into girls with a big fat ass but I don't get it. She starts shakin that thing and the only thing I can think is that the beef curtains between those thighs probably look like they got beat with a rubber mallet. Maybe I should equat ass size/shape to vaginal elegance, in reality there probably isn't a correlation. But in my mind, there is. And Maria is ripe, whereas Victoria's been rode hard and put away wet.

    Alright, time to start wrapping this bad boy up before you put anymore of our readers to sleep. So quickly, how do we feel about this Ted Dibiase/Cody Rhodes team?

    Where's David Flair?

    Rey Mysterio on Raw. You give a fuck?

    Hell yeah dude. Somebody’s gotta give Lillian a reason to do that sexy Latina tongue roll.

    Did Mizzark Henry get the title just because he's a brother?

    Dude, you can't say "brother" like that. You're so white. Like, "enjoys Shinedown" white.

    Oh, and no, I think he got the belt because they wanted to get him off of Hayes' show ASAP, and he was the most viable option with Kane's move and shit.

    What's your take on Kurt maybe getting a new chick over in TNA? Is there any humanly possible way that she could be as hot as Karen?

    Kurt better worry more about getting a new knee, not a new chick. And no, she couldn't be because Karen's hot in that "attainable-ish" sort of way that makes ugly fuckers like me think they have a chance.

    You SO look like a fuckin' football coach.

    Yeah, well. What can I say?

    You is what you is.

    You SO look like a fuckin register jockey.

    Yeah, and when have you seen me? Aside from that tag match on Raw two weeks ago.

    Night of Champions. You retained the US Title. Nice Job.

    Thanks. Kinda tough going with my brother living in my bathroom and shit.

    Trying to get ready for work in the morning but you keep slippin on needles and shit, must suck.

    No shit. And he keeps crying about his damn aluminum foil sculptures. For fuck's sake, man, get over it already.

    Probably what he said about you when Edge was fuckin Lita.

    Ouch. Dude, that's the way to end any conversation with Matt Hardy. He can't win any arguments anymore. "No, I'm the more popular Hardy Boy." "Oh yeah? How's Lita, fucker?"

    That’s all we got for the first time out kids. Hopefully y’all enjoyed it enough to leave us some feedback and maybe we’ll do it again sometime if Steve didn’t suck too bad.

    Yeah, I'm the one that sucks. Keep telling yourself that, Project Boy.

    Until the unfortunate time comes that we do this again, you guys take care of yourselves out there in the really real world. Much love, kids.

    Yeah…much love. Until we fucking ban you.


    Oh fuck! Dude…we still need a title.

    How about Volume 1?

    Lame How bout - Two Man Power Trip: The Vader Does Topanga Edition

    Too long.

    Whatever.…tell that to some of the current column titles in the CF.

    Dude, we're legends, not a fucking emo band….

  17. #17
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Deep in the heart
    Originally posted by Johnny Boomerang

    the boomerang prophecies x: Top secret

    operation: Evolution beta

    target: Monday night raw

    date: February 15 2009

    Good evening. You have been selected to supervise a special mission. Your team has already been assembled. You have worked with some of them before, but others you’ll be working with for the first time.



    Instrumental in several occupations and deep-cover situations, Agent Cottonmouth is well versed in commanding and maintaining a team in hostile territory. He has demonstrated in the past his fierce loyalty to the agency and has been involved in some of the most vital campaigns.


    Agent Playboy was taken under the wing of Agent Cottonmouth, and the two have partaken in several missions together. Although initially hot-headed and quick to anger, through time and experience he has learnt to control himself and has become one of the top members of the Agency.


    Having a career which started similar to Agent Playboy’s, Agent Ironfist spent another year under the tutelage his mentor before taking on a series of dangerous missions on his own. Known for his powerful physique and strength, he is also intelligent and a very close observer to detail.



    The lone ranger of your team, Agent Vendetta has more experience than most others, and a lot of this comes in the form of solo-missions. He is renowned for being able to appeal to people in such a way as to draw confidence and inspire, but also to provoke hatred and disgust, based on his approach. A true veteran.


    Trained by his father, a long-term operative, Agent Spitball has formed a formidable pairing with Agent Babybuck in recent years, and the two relative newcomers have established a growing reputation for being able to get the job done.


    Formed a teaming with Agent Spitball to learn and grow with each other, Agent Babybuck often demonstrates enthusiasm and an aptitude for leadership, putting him slightly ahead of his ’partner’.


    Agent Pillowtalk spent many years undercover, assuming the identity of wives, lovers, and more to the betterment of the mission. She has established herself as a versatile and clever Agent, using her looks and charm to get her places most other members of your team can’t.


    The WWE has become a jaded organisation: a shadow of its former self. In particular, a branch known only as ‘Monday Night Raw’ has exhibited poor showmanship and inadequate entertainment levels. Your mission is simple. Using the equipment given to you, you are to disguise yourselves and infiltrate the WWE. Your objective: to take over the ‘Monday Night Raw‘ branch. We’ve obtained this snapshot to help you. We believe it is the location where you’ll be working the most:

    The WWE as an entity appears to focus on select members, known as ‘CHAMPIONS’. It has been deduced that the best way to achieve your objective is to assume the roles of these ‘CHAMPIONS’. One such position should be avoided, however, and that is the ‘United States Champion’. This position is considered worthless and devalued, and will not provide you with any help. Please stand by for Individual Mission Break-downs.

    Agent Cottonmouth, you’ve proved yourself time and time again in the field, so you’re being trusted with the initial acquisition of the ‘package’. We suggest aiming for the lesser ‘branch’, known as ‘Friday Night Smackdown!’ as this should be easier to come into possession of said package. Once you have obtained it, you shall begin stage two. You have until 21:00 hours on April 13 2009 to complete this assignment. If necessary, we have stashed a weapon for you to use:

    Although remember there is a tolerance of zero casualties on this mission. Use this only when no other opportunity presents itself. Subtlety is advised.

    Agent Playboy, you shall enter the scenario at stage two. Your objective is to protect Agent Cottonmouth once he has the package. You shall have the assistance of Agents Spitball and Babybuck as per usual. It has been decided that the optimum method for execution of your objective is to engage in combat with Agent Cottonmouth. This keeps other potential targets away from the package, and keeps the package itself safe. It is recommended you liaise with the other members of your team to coordinate how best to maintain the illusion of rivalry. You are at your own discretion with regards to the methods you use. You must keep up this façade until 23:00 hours on April 13 2009. At this point we move on to stage three.

    Agent Ironfist, your mission is to diffuse any tension regarding the positioning of your two colleagues in a long-standing rivalry. You are being inserted into this ‘feud’ as an additional reinforcement and to defer suspicion. Once in the field, you must protect your two colleagues at all costs. Your drop zone will be THE PHILLIPS ARENA IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA. You and the team will hold your position on the ‘Monday Night Raw’ branch until extraction is available at 23:00 hours on April 26 2009 at the DUNKIN’ DONUTS CENTER in PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. Once everyone is out, you will be taken to a secure location and debriefed.

    Agents Spitball and Babybuck, you will be assuming your usual roles of bodyguards to Agent Playboy. However, based on previous research data, we’ve noticed a common theme amongst those under the regular employ of the WWE. In your roles as bodyguards, you will act as the foil to Agent Playboy. Whenever he needs help you will provide it, however in his situation with Agent Cottonmouth you will often have to be on the receiving end of attacks and/or beatings. You will have to accept that you are going to have to lose ninety-percent of the situations you are in. Do not allow personal pride to get in the way, else you reveal your true identities.

    Agent Vendetta, you shall be working solo on this mission. Yours is different to the other members on this team. We require you to blend into your environment before commencing your task. You have exactly seventy days to blend in before your objective becomes active. A warning: After fifty-seven days, OPERATION EXCHANGE is put into place. You will find yourself transferred to another branch. It is on this branch that your mission takes place. You will find yourself within reach of this:

    This is what you need to acquire. You have exactly one month to achieve this objective. On a side note, you will be completely alone for this, as the rest of the team will have been extracted at the same time as your mission begins. Feel free to utilize all the skills in your arsenal, but we are still maintaining a zero casualty policy, so while you can feel free to engage, do not kill anybody.

    Agent Pillowtalk, first let me congratulate you on the stellar work you have done so far in deep cover. You’ve achieved your first objective by obtaining the target item. We have another deep cover agent who has managed to sabotage an upcoming draft. You will be joining the other agents on the ‘Monday Night Raw’ branch of the WWE, with exception to Agent Vendetta. Here you will receive additional instructions from Agent Cottonmouth when you are reunited. You can make contact but do not allow yourselves to be compromised: for all intents and purposes you are unaffiliated with the rest of your team. You will be extracted with the rest of the main team at 23:00 hours on April 26 2009 at the DUNKIN’ DONUTS CENTER in PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND.

    As always, if you are captured or killed the Agency will disavow any and all knowledge of your actions. Good luck and God speed.

    This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northern England, UK
    Originally posted by Steve (YourAyatollah)


    Hello, all, and welcome to All About the Game. For the uninitiated, my name is Steve, and I sit here for a couple of hours every week and spew out my opinions on the world of wrestling in the Columns Forum of LOP. The reason I'm here, actually, is because of that very Forum.

    See, as some of you may already know, we have ourselves a little contest every month in the CF. AATG was voted Column of the Month by my peers, most of whom write pretty damn good columns themselves. I would like to take this opportunity to cordially invite anyone who hasn't already to stop by the Columns Forum and check out some of the great work that goes on there. Go ahead, go now. I'll wait for you.

    You back? Good. A quick rundown of exactly how things operate in this column. I do my little intro, as you can see, and then move into the section titled TIME TO PLAY THE GAME, where the meat and potatoes portion of the column can be found. I follow that up with a summary of the point I'm trying to make in THE PEDIGREE. Sounds simple, right? Well, it is. So let's get started.

    The game we play this time around will concern the UnAmericans faction in the WWE, and the impact such a gimmick can have on the wrestlers involved later in their careers. In doing so, I'll be taking a look back at some others who have used similar gimmicks in the past, and exactly how well they fared after the character ran its course. Sounds boring, but believe me, it's going to be fun. So, without further ado.......


    Lance Storm, Christian, and Test make up the latest group in a long line of wrestlers who have used un-American gimmicks to help get them over. They are, as we speak, one of the most hated groups in pro wrestling, and rightfully so. In light of all the crap this country has been through in the past year, many people would say that such a gimmick isn't exactly the right way to go. I would be inclined to agree with those people, but not for the obvious reasons.

    Of course, for a lot of people, it's a matter of patriotism and national pride. I have no beef with that whatsoever, being a proud American citizen myself. But the issue I have with the current crop of America bashers running wild in the WWE has more to do with the future of their careers as opposed to their manufactured skewed opinions on the state of our great nation.

    Yes, that's right, I actually like these guys for the most part, (I'm not too sure about Test), and I don't want to see them ruin what could become a great career from any of the three. The Anti-American stance has always been a huge mistake for a wrestler to adopt in the past. Want examples? Well, don't mind if I do.

    I don't really count the Iron Shieks and Fritz Von Erichs of the past. They were thriving characters in the overblown gimmick age of wrestling, and people didn't tend to take them all that seriously, with the exceptions of a few minor incidents. To be perfectly honest, I didn't live through their time periods, so I can't really judge them. But there have been more than a couple of gimmicks in the same vein within the almost two decades I've been watching this stuff.

    The first really big Anti-American gimmick I can remember was the Sgt. Slaughter gimmick from the early '90s. For those who may not recall, or didn't watch back then, the beloved American hero Sgt. Slaughter turned to an Iraqi sympathizer in the middle of the events leading up to the Gulf War. He went so far as to start coming out with the Iraqi flag and having a manager, General Adnan, that looked like Saddam Hussein.

    It was a pretty big deal, at first, but it exploded when the war actually broke out and the WWF really pushed Sarge hard. He took the World title off of Ultimate Warrior at the 1991 Royal Rumble, and was eventually beaten by American Hero Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania 7. People got so into the storyline that the Fed was actually forced to change locations for the event, from an outdoor arena to a domed staduim, because of real life death threats sent to Slaughter. Eventually, he recanted his story and once again was all red, white, and blue.

    But his career never really recovered. Before the Iraqi crap, he was a featured character on the very popular G.I. Joe catroon series. I, personally, had four of his action figures. After he came back to this side of the fence, though, he was, at best, a midcarder. That all lead up to the very sad sight we saw on RAW of a pregnant looking Sarge in his old tights being humiliated by Test. How far he has fallen. Speaking of the big guy, can't you just imagine Test a few years down the road a huge pot belly to go along with his screwed up teeth?

    The next big one was, of course, the Bret Hart defection. He formed the Hart Foundation along with Owen, Jim Neidhart, Davey Boy Smith, and Brian Pillman in the 1997 era of the WWF. This was Hart's last run of significance in his whole career, with the possible exception of a few very sad runs as WCW World champ. It's a gimmick that severely damaged Hart's career in the US, mainly because he was the mouthpiece of the group, as Lance Storm is now. All of the Anti-American words came straight from Bret's lips, and people hated his guts.

    Just watch Wrestling with Shadows for an example. People in America hated the guy with a passion. By the time Bret was gone from the WWF, the US bashing had somewhat been forgotten in favor of the pure confusion that was his last few months with the company leading to the Montreal incident. But after jumping to WCW and trying to be a babyface, Bret just wasn't getting the same reactions as he used to. WCW's answer to that was to play him back and forth as a heel one minute and a babyface the next, but that just messed things up even further. Bret Hart, who was once one of the most beloved men in the industry, became little more than a midcarder with some history.

    The latest example of an Anti-American gimmick was Team Canada in the dying years of WCW. It was headed up by Lance Storm, like the UnAmericans, and pretty much consisted of midcarders who were, supposedly, being pushed. All Lance really did was adapt the old Iron Shiek gimmick to Canadian, and it was actually pretty hot for a little while. In the era of most not really giving a damn about WCW, people actually took notice and weren't too fond of Storm, a factor which led to WWE furthering the gimmick now.

    Storm wasn't exactly a big name star at the time of getting into the gimmick, nor is he now, so it's not very safe to say how his career has been impacted by the ill fated storyline. Add his lack of superstardom with the fact that WCW was quickly flushing itself away and you see why Lance's career wasn't dead in the water from the beginning. I mean, come on, Team Canada's biggest accomplishment was luring Hacksaw Jim Duggan into the fold, and he didn't even stick around. Honestly, when's the last time you heard anything from Elix Skipper?

    As Americans, we don't tend to take people poking fun at us all that well. That's really all these gimmicks are doing in the long run. Sure, many of you are upset over the UnAmericans flying the flag upsidedown, and I, too, think it's a low blow. But hell, Jane Fonda used to burn American flags in real life, and that never stopped me from watching Barbarella.

    They are doing it in a fictional setting and, while uncomfortable for some, it'a all nothing more than entertainment. But the effects it could have on these men's careers are very real and can haunt them for a very long time. When Storm and his buddies decide to drop the front and not hate the US anymore, will the American wrestling fan at large accept them back? It's a toss-up, really, but, if the past is any indication, the odds aren't looking that good.


    A lot of people have compared the modern UnAmericans to the Hart Foundation of old, with the talented Mr. Storm serving as a modern Hitman. But there is one big difference that I have noticed. The Foundation gimmick was pulled off with Bret staying a huge hero in every other country but the US, especially Canada.

    By actually associating themselves with one country, they made it a battle of the fans more than anything. The small change I've seen in the UnAmericans is that they haven't thrown their affiliation towards Canada yet, despite the fact that they are all Canadian. They have simply proclaimed that they hate America, not that they share a fondness for any other country. Whether or not this eventually happens could have an impact on the future.

    If the guys don't claim a homeland then, by reason, no homeland wants them. That comes way too close to a terrorist group gimmick. Now, the WWE has been known to walk a fine line in the past, but I think that such a gimmick is below even Vince. If Tiger Ali Singh eventually joins this group, then the proverbial shit could hit the fan. Such an outrageous gimmick in such PC times could instantly kill the career of almost anyone, especially guys like our three Canadian friends who didn't have a lot of fan support, to begin with. While a terrorism gimmick probably isn't out of the question in the future, knowing the wrestling business, to say that now is the wrong time to even insinuate one is an understatement.

    Not proclaiming their love for another country could also work against them since they wouldn't have anywhere to be a hero, like the Harts. Bret, at his worst, still had Canada, but these guys are risking alienating their worldwide fanbase as opposed to just the American one. If nobody likes you, then you don't get to be on tv every week. Thems the breaks in the wrestling biz, and no tv time is pretty much a death knell for a career.

    I hope it doesn't go that far, to tell the truth. I didn't exactly agree wholeheartedly with Bill Maher's statements on Politically Incorrect a few months back, but I hated seeing him kicked off of tv for it, and that's the same way I feel about the UnAmericans. Except for Test. He should be banished to only appearing every 5th week on Velocity.

    So, that's it. My main page column, in all it's glory. * I hope you enjoyed it, and, especially, I hope it made you think. Are Storm, Christian, and Test committing career suicide? I suppose it remains to be seen. As I said, I certainly hope not. I've taken a liking to Lance over the past couple of years for some reason, and Christian is just great. I love that guy, especially the flashy operatic entrance. As for the much lamented Test, I don't really have a problem with him. My take on Test is much like Mick Foley's in his book Foley is Good, that he's not that bad, but he's fun to make fun of. His big boot finisher is actually pretty damn cool, in my opinion.

    At the end of every column, I always ask my GameTime question. It's always a pretty simple one, really. The question for this time is obvious: Do you think that the careers of the three UnAmericans will be affected by all of this? It's really a judgement call, as I said before. You can send your response my way at the email address below, and I personally guarantee a response to all feedback, postive or negative.

    And that does it for me. I'd like to, again, thank all my boys in the LOP Columns Forum for getting me up here. I hope I did you guys proud. Remember to take a few clicks in that direction to see what you can find. There's some really good stuff in there, including all my previous columns, (cheap plug). You guys have a great week, and check out All About the Game again every Tuesday. It comes your way in the very wee morning hours, like clockwork. Remember that all feedback is more than welcome at the address below. Take it easy, folks, and, until next time......


    -Steve Bell

    "Eat my ass, Mooney"

  19. #19
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    I highly doubt anyone would be able to find it but if we have archives somehow and somebody can it would be much appreciated! I am looking for my column about why titles are useless that was really just a jab at indie wrestling that caught steam on the ROH boards. It was posted here and won me my 2nd COTM. I've always wanted to read that again since now I'm a huge fan of the indies.

  20. #20
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Deep in the heart
    Originally posted by Jetsetpoker on February 19, 2008

    Welcome to another edition of Shuffle Up and Deal in HD! I figured if the WWE is going to upgrade then I figured its time for Shuffle Up and Deal to upgrade as well. Except this HD doesn’t fade in and out and record horribly like mine does. Maybe it’s just me but my HD blows. Screw you Comcast! It’s Comcastic, my ass.

    Even though it happened almost 3 weeks ago, I can’t help but comment on the super bowl. I felt it was one of the best super bowls I have ever seen. Some people say it was boring till the 4th quarter but I disagree. While it wasn’t the scoring fest you would expect from these two teams, it was still a great defensive battle. I guess you just have to be more of a hardcore football fan to enjoy a good defensive game.

    Nothing can really be said that probably hasn’t already about the game but I just want to say congratulations to the New York Giants. Almost everybody gave them no chance to win and they went on to pull one of the biggest upsets in awhile. I don’t think it was as big of an upset as it is being made out to be. New York actually has a pretty solid team sans DB’s.

    It was nice to see Eli get out of the shadow of Peyton. Eh, what am I saying? He’ll still always be compared to Peyton. While Eli struggled a bit after the 1st half, when they needed Eli to get the job done, he did. At the end of the game it doesn’t matter how you got it done just as long as you win.

    Also, Fuck Bill Belichick. That little stunt he pulled at the end of the game was so classless. I am not even going to go into it because it will just set me off but screw him. I am so glad that the Giants won so that prick didn’t get another ring under his belt. Talk about disrespectful.

    Let’s get those cards shuffling…

    Well, I can proudly say that for the first time in 5 years I ordered a wrestling PPV and not only that but I wasn’t disappointed. I always have been a Rumble mark and finally decided I would crack and order it. At first I thought I made a grave mistake. Not because of the quality of matches but the stupid thing wouldn’t order. Told me my bill was over $300 so they wouldn’t allow me to order it. I was like WTF? I went and checked my last statement to make sure everything was paid up to date and I owed nothing. So I called back and the guy I talked to told me the other guy was wrong and let me order it.

    I didn’t order No Way Out but I did plan to watch it at the bar up by my girlfriends. Unfortunately, when I walked in I noticed a little sign on the door that said something similar to this “Screw you wrestling fags we don’t like your kind here” which in other words meant they were not showing PPVs anymore. Kind of sucks but oh well. I enjoyed Royal Rumble so much I plan to order Wrestlemania anyways. I am actually amazed that I am slowly getting back into the whole wrestling thing.

    Wrestlemania is looking to finally take shape. The two main events don’t look to bad, maybe it’s just me but I am not exactly to ecstatic about the main events either. Edge/Undertaker should be good but I am not so sure about Orton/Cena/HHH. These 3 guys have wrestled each other so much lately that I am just not sure what they will do to keep it fresh.

    The midcard is looking more appealing to me then than the main events. From what I saw on RAW Mayweather looked to legitimately break Big Shows nose at No Way Out. Whatever match ends up happening probably won’t be a masterpiece but I think it should be interesting none the less. Also please somebody teach Mayweather to pull a punch. He is going to take Big Shows block off with one of those punches sooner or later.

    Hopefully Matt Hardy will be healthy enough to compete. For anybody whose been reading my columns you know I am a bit of a Matt Hardy mark so forgive me if I come off sounding stupid but I have been looking forward to the Wrestlemania match of Matt/MVP. I thought the feud they put on for the second half of 2007 was the best of the year. It was one of the few reasons to watch Smackdown.

    As usual you should have your pretty good Money in the Bank match along with a few other blow off matches. All in all, the card is shaping up quite nicely if you ask me. This time of year is always a great time to be a wrestling fan. Both companies seem to step up there game.

    Well ok, TNA might not be stepping up there game but they do have Curry Man now! I love that guy. I don’t know if it’s Christopher Daniels or not and quite frankly I don’t give a damn. I just love everything about the guy. He looks like pure entertainment and I look forward to seeing more.

    Well enough rambling let’s get to the main event…

    In the poker world, there will be a lot of tournaments that you will play in and afterwards you’ll think to yourself “Why the hell did I play in that?” Basically they look like useless tournaments.

    For example I will occasionally play a small tournament with some buddies for like a $10 buy in. If I win I would make somewhere around a whooping $100. To play poker for a max profit of $100, for me, doesn’t seem like it’s worth the time. Another example would be a “Turbo” tournament. Those types of tournaments are basically the same as regular poker tournaments except the blinds increase a lot quicker. So after a few rounds of the blinds increasing the tournament becomes more of a crap shoot. It takes all the skill out of the game and basically allows anyone to get lucky and win, even Uncle Joe.

    While these tournaments might look useless at first, if you look a little deeper you will find that you can learn a lot from playing in those types of tournaments. Making $100 might not seem like that much money but the experience I will gain from playing with the different type of players will be more important then the money itself.

    Just like in poker, wrestling has its fair share of things that appear to be useless like stupid storylines, drawn out angles, and incredibly stupid gimmick matches (Electrified cage matches? On a pole matches? Come On!). While they all appear useless I will save those for another time. For today? Without further adieu I present to you

    The Importance of Useless Titles in Wrestling History

    WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship

    Who could forget the legacy of the WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship? Oh, what’s that? You’ve never heard of the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship? Yeah, I guess that really doesn’t surprise me. This prestigious title only had 2 champions. Mostly, due to the fact that the WWE bought out WCW and dumped this title about as quick as they kicked Jeff Jarrett to the curb.

    This championship might sound like it wasn’t taken too seriously. While I would be lying if I said you were wrong, however the championship did have its purpose. WCW was on its dying legs. They realized a little too late that the Cruiserweight division was part of the reason they use to win the Monday Night Wars. They didn’t want to diminish the history of the regular Tag Team Titles by letting those little flipping guys win the titles. I mean who wants to see that. Nobody would believe that 2 cruiserweights could beat a team like the West Texas Rednecks. So therefore the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship was born.

    The only problem was that WCW neglected to realize the cruiser division didn’t exactly have the talent it use to have. WCW ended up hiring pretty much any unemployed Mexican dishwasher who needed a job to try to get the division started. This was the opening for some of the most feared and legendary teams around like Johnny Swinger and Jason Lee, “Above Average” Mike Sanders and Kwee Wee, and the unforgettable combination of Jason B and Scotty O. Get it? BO.

    So while the Cruiserweight Tag Team Titles might look useless, they actually did a good job at letting us get a taste of fast pace cruiser on cruiser action. I would actually say that this title was a precursor to the X-Division. I wonder how many of these rejects would go on to compete in TNA? I know of one that’s for sure. Air Styles. Yup, that Styles.

    After looking into it further you can now see this championship wasn’t that useless. Even if it only did have 2 champions and only last for less then a month. It did pave the way for some future stars along with giving many out of work dishwashers their time to shine.

    WCW Hardcore Championship

    I know most of you remember the WCW Hardcore Championship for what it really was. An excuse for Hogan to get Brian Knobbs to leave his family alone. I am convinced that Hogan created this title for the sole purpose of keeping the original Nasty Boy away from himself on the road. You try picking up chicks with that guy following you around.

    For those of you who aren’t so familiar with the WCW Hardcore Championship let me bring you up to speed. Basically the title was created in 1999 due to the success of ECW bringing hardcore wrestling mainstream. The WWF already had a hardcore title, while it wasn’t exactly stealing the show; it was still producing entertaining matches. We all know WCWs line of thinking, “I can do anything you can do better! I can do anything better then you!” so therefore the hardcore division was created.

    The championship could of be moderately successful except for the fact that WCW was still trying to be a “family” show and wouldn’t allow for real hardcore matches to take place on TV. This would ultimately lead to the WCW using props instead of the real things. So while someone might be getting sliced across the head with barb wire they wouldn’t actually end up getting cut open because the barb wire was really just plastic. I know that sounds pretty hardcore to me if I’ve ever heard it.

    I mean come on; anybody can wrestle a real hardcore match. What type of skill does it take to hit someone in the head with a frying pan or cut someone open with barb wire? Real hardcore is using plastic wire and making people believe that what you’re doing is real. It would be hilarious to see such hardcore legends as Hak (The Sandman) and Bam Bam Bigelow trying to sell these matches like they were fighting for there life.

    While it might seem like the title was a bit useless it provided a chance for some good comedy relief. Even though the title was created to capitalize on the hardcore style of wrestling it actually showed how funny it really can be. Also it gave Terry Funk a reason to come out of retirement for the 64th time to try and cripple himself one last time.

    ECW Fuck The World Championship

    Let’s see here, how can we rip off the Million Dollar Championship but make our blood thirsty hardcore fans except it? Why don’t we call it the Fuck The World championship, All of our fans are “outcasts” who live at home with there parents but probably hate there life. Who wouldn’t want to say fuck the world in that situation?

    The FTW Championship like most useless championships didn’t last long. Shane Douglas, the ECW World Champion, wasn’t wrestling and kept dodging Taz. Taz was supposed to be this badass who didn’t give a shit about anyone. His attitude was basically Fuck The World. Since he couldn’t get a World Title shot, he decided to create the Fuck The World championship. The title was never officially recognized as a world title but that won’t stop Taz. Did you forget that Taz is a legit badass? Yeah I am talking about that same announcer you see today wearing those stupid orange sunglasses. Nothing says Fuck The World like a pair of neon highlighter color sunglasses.

    Taz would only lose the title once, to his long time rival Sabu. However in true “Fuck The World” fashion Taz destroyed Sabu and then laid down and pulled Sabu on top of him for the 3 count. That Taz was always such a rebel!

    The title could have been successful except for the fact it was only created to really get Taz over as a badass. Eventually Taz would win the World Title from Douglas and then go on to recapture the FTW title from Sabu. After wearing both titles for awhile Taz would eventually decide that he didn’t hate the world anymore and scrap the title.

    The title suffered from the same problem that the Million Dollar Championship suffered from which is that it was only created for the sole purpose of getting one man over. The title might appear to be useless but it did give Taz some credibility. I mean when you’re as small as Taz was you need 2 titles to be a legit badass. One just isn’t good enough.

    and last but certainly not least...

    Ring of Honor World Championship

    Yeah, I went there. I mean seriously think about it? Basically if you’re the champ it says you’re the best at what you do which is wrestle for about 60 overweight cyberfags who get off thinking about hour long gauntlet matches that end in a draw. So basically you suck but just not quite as bad as everyone else does.

    Holding this title will give you instant credibility. However, if you ever want to make any money this wont be the type of credibility you will want. You’ll become instantly popular with a bunch of fans who are about 2 and a half shots of Jack away from being…well ill let you use your imagination.

    The title has been around for almost 6 years now and there have only been 10 champions. Just like most useless titles in wrestling it takes itself too seriously. There has never been a 2 time ROH World Champion. Thank god for that, I don’t think the worlds ready for a 2 time ROH World Champion yet. Title holders typically have long championship reigns that are suppose to make the title more prestigious. However, what this usually results in is boring predictable results. I mean who wants to know the outcome of the match before it happens?

    The biggest problem with this title is that it pretty much ruins everybody’s career that it touches. While it creates a fan base for them, usually the fan base becomes so annoying that when the wrestler moves on to bigger and better things they are hyped up as the best wrestler in the world. The fans of the wrestler becomes so enamored with themselves that you just cant help but root against the guy at all costs. This attitude streams from the fans to the wrestler themselves. They start to buy there own hype which goes on to lead into a huge ego that they can’t back up in the ring.

    Don’t worry though, like all the other titles I have talked about today this title does have some importance. Without the ROH World Title, there would be nobody for the typical “WWE is the suxor!X!$#^!” fan to look up to. With the ROH world title out there, it will always give that guy who thinks it’s cool to be against anything mainstream something to wake up for in the morning. It will also create a bunch of new wrestling fans who think they are wrestling elitist because they will live and die ROH. When in reality, there just rooting for a bunch of nobody’s who aren’t good enough to make it to the big time. It’s sad but true which is why the ROH World Title is the most useless title in all of wrestling.

    Useless titles will always exist in wrestling. Without titles what is the point of wrestling? Wrestling is about competition and competition is what drives people to compete. Just take a look at COTM for example. Without it, some writers might not get into writing. While some aren’t competitive, others are. Competition is good and it can bring out the best in you. In the long run though COTM is just another title that other then a few select people nobody gives a damn about.

    Being a World Series of Poker bracelet holder use to be a prestigious thing but with the way poker is growing, nowadays it’s becoming less and less prestigious. Each year more and more tournaments get added which gives you many more opportunities to get a chance at a bracelet, therefore diminishing the value of the bracelet. The wrestling world is the same way. Over saturation is a bitch.

    As you can see from my examples no title, is completely useless. Without really looking at it some titles might appear to be useless but usually if you look hard enough you can find a reason why it’s successful. Rather it’s to keep unemployment rates down or if it’s to give that guy ready to jump one last day to go on, all titles have there place in wrestling history.

    I hope you guys enjoyed another edition of Shuffle Up and Deal. I know this is a little different then what your used to seeing here but I figured I would try something new. Hopefully you guys enjoyed them.

    Till next time I’ll see you on the tables…

  21. #21
    Samuel Plan
    Join Date
    Dec 2014

    The Muse ~ Chapter X, or Don't Tell Me What I Can't Do

    The following was a column that sprung to the front of my mind for no particular reason after seeing Jetset's oldie above. I've spoken about it before to people but it's only just triggered for me to throw it up in here. The time stamp on my hard drive indicates I revisited it sometime after it was posted, so I can't give an exact date when it was originally put up. I know it was approximately December 2010 / January 2011 though - Chapter IX and XI of the same brand name have time stamps in those areas. I was a CFer at the time, roughly a year out from my original and not very good MP stint. I wanted to put it up because of the crazy accurate prediction I made at the end - again, in 2010/2011 time - that I remain proud of!

    The Muse was a briefly lived brand I once wrote under when I'd grown discontented for a short time with Just Business. I made the right decision in reverting though. This is Chapter X's original, unedited form - I haven't scanned through for typos or anything; just posted it as is.

    And in case you end up wondering afterwards, no, I still haven't gotten to WrestleMania. Yet!



    Chapter X, or Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do

    “It’s not an Island. It’s a place where miracles happen.” ~ John Locke, Lost.

    Unbelievable! The Warrior’s won the title!

    Toronto, Canada.
    April 1st, 1990.
    67, 678 in attendance.

    He stood on the brink of greatness. All the warrior gods in the Universe were not enough to take him beyond it. Everything, EVERYTHING he hit the Hulkster with was withstood. Over sixty thousand fans, electrified, roaring with all their hearts for their own hero, whether he was wearing yellow trunks or long tassels, stood amazed at the spectacle before them.

    And then something miraculous happened. Hulk Hogan, a man who was unbeatable, a man who could overcome any adversity in his way, a man who had ruled the business for a decade, the unbeatable Hulkster…was beaten. The Ultimate Warrior became the first man to hold the World Heavyweight and Intercontinental Championships. The Ultimate Warrior made history that night. The Ultimate Warrior beat the unbeatable.

    But I was only eight months old, and I wasn’t there.

    The boyhood dream…has come true!

    Anaheim, California.
    Arrowhead Pond.
    March 31st, 1996.
    18, 853 in attendance.

    31 years. That was how long it took the kid to climb and scrape his way towards the mountain top. And the moment that got him there was miraculous.

    Shawn Michaels didn’t have an unstoppable icon of Americana to overcome, just the best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be, and to beat a man like that it had to be something special. The crowd? They weren’t so electric. The building? Not so big.

    In fact it was Shawn who said it best. “They” said no one would want to see a 60 Minute Iron Man Match, and they certainly wouldn’t want to see it on pay per view. And in the end, a 60 Minute Iron Man Match wasn’t what the world witnessed. Those 18 thousand did not sit and watch, in person, a wrestling match. They watched a masterpiece. And the people who said it couldn’t done and all the doubters who once said Shawn could never be the man, could never lead the company, that he was too small or too little a name to make it big, were proven wrong. The world was proven wrong in a single hour.

    But I didn’t even know what Wrestlemania was and I wasn’t there.

    There is no quit in Stone Cold Steve Austin.

    Rosemont, Illinois.
    Rosemont Horizon.
    March 23rd, 1997.
    18, 197.

    Wrestlemania 13 sucked. There are no two ways about that. But there was one defining image that night that has remained emblazoned in my mind since I first saw it. One image that changed the world’s fate forever.

    It was not until the following year that my 8 year old self would hear Jim Ross declaring that the Austin Era had begun; I did not realise it at the time, but he was wrong. It was on this night that the real Austin Era began. He was on his front, up on the palms of his hands, mouth gaping, roaring, blood pouring down his face like water from a tap…and he never gave up, never gave in.

    Bret Hart and Steve Austin both had the match of their careers against one another in the Rosemont Horizon. After all, is it not shit that helps the grass grow greener? And while the rest of that night is best left forgotten by the wayside, that one match changed history forever.

    Miraculously, Bret Hart failed to make Steve Austin give up in the Sharpshooter and the rest, as they say, is history.

    But I knew not the impact of what would happen that night, and I wasn’t there.

    How about you headline one more Wrestlemania…with the Rock?!

    Toronto, Canada.
    March 17th, 2002.
    68, 237 in attendance.

    Ali never boxed Tyson. Senna never raced Hamilton. England of ’66 will never play Argentina of ‘86.

    And yet The Rock did face Hulk Hogan. And. It. Was. Epic.

    If the crowd of 1990 in that same building was electric, then this one was ten times beyond it. Perhaps it should have been Austin, perhaps not. It is unimportant. What is important is that in any other sport across the planet, through time, in existence could never match this kind of a dream scenario. Professional wrestling can transcend time itself and for one night eight years ago it did. It will do again one day but will it ever matched the spectacle of The Rock and Hulk Hogan on the Grandest Stage of Them All? Unlikely. Two men from separate ages coming together in a battle of the titans; the stuff of dreams; a miracle.

    Many may call this the greatest match in Wrestlemania history. Perhaps they are right. It represented a great deal of things.

    Generation vs. Generation. 1980s vs. 1990s. Gold vs. Attitude.

    But I was never a people person and I didn’t care for a relic of the past so I wasn’t there.

    Finally, finally, by God finally Chris Benoit has become the Heavyweight Champion of…this…world!

    New York City, New York.
    Madison Square Garden.
    March 14th, 2004.
    20, 000 in attendance.

    It is truly a shame that now, the greatest moment in the history of Wrestlemania lies marred by death and tragedy and the incomprehensible, irreprehensible actions of a man many have cared greatly for for a very long time.

    But in the moment…in that moment…Chris Benoit was not a killer. He was not a mistake of an industry’s dark underbelly. He was a man who had wrestled for 18 years of his life and who stood hugging his best friend amidst confetti in the world’s most famous arena at the pinnacle of the sport he loved capable, at long last, of calling himself the greatest wrestler in the world.

    If ever anyone calls wrestling fake there are many things one can use to disprove it. Whether it be torn off ears, the loss of pints of blood, a leg snapping in two…or that moment in time when nothing else mattered other than the two men in the ring, two men who no one thought would ever get to hold the brass ring. And two men who did.

    But I could only watch on video tap because I wasn’t there.

    Shawn, it’s over. Goodbye. We’ll miss ya.

    Glendale, Arizona.
    University of Phoenix Stadium.
    March 28th, 2010.
    72, 219 in attendance.

    Fourteen years after a dream came true, a career came to an end. While the fabled Streak grew to 18-0 it claimed another victim; the Heartbreak Kid finally lived up to his name as he waved goodbye to the industry that almost took him beyond the brink of recovery, the industry that gave him a second chance at redemption.

    While many would claim the sequel did not and nor could it ever beat the first instalment, I will forever tell them that they are quite simply wrong. A better story, a bigger investment and a whole boatload of more emotion meant that earlier this year, Mr Wrestlemania finally outdid himself.

    The expectation had been an impossible one to meet and the idea of a moment that would see Shawn Michaels retire seemed even then an eternity away. It is in many respects still quite difficult to accept, and it will only grow harder the closer we get to Atlanta, Georgia.

    But it did happen. Shawn Michaels did retire because Mr Wrestlemania had been outperformed; by himself.

    Yet I was just a poor student in Sheffield and I wasn’t there.

    "I’m an ordinary man, Jack, meat and potatoes. I lived in the real world. Not a big believer in…magic. But this place…is different, special." ~ John Locke, Lost.

    You get the point? See where I’m heading?

    Let me ask you a question. Have you ever watched Lost? The show I’ve derived the above quote from, and the one that opened up this column? It’s about a group of people who crash land on an Island and that Island is special. They are, each one of them, special.

    And I was sat watching wrestling the other night, what, exactly, escapes me, when it hit me; what the Island is to those people, pro wrestling is to me. A place where miracles happen.

    Where else can you see a man fly? Where else can two icons from two ages clash as if…as if time itself didn’t exist? Where else can a boyhood dream REALLY come true? They say that Wrestlemania is where you make yourself immortal. I say that’s not exclusive to the talent who are blessed enough to stand in the ring underneath that spotlight. It extends to us, to you and me.

    I for one am sick and tired of being one of the ones “who wasn’t there”. It’s becoming the story of my life. Missed chances. I stand on the way side and wave at opportunity as it passes me by.

    Like Lost’s John Locke I’m a simple man. Time was I wanted to be a journalist. Jet around the world. Write a novel. But all those…dreams…were displaced. I don’t want to live my life like crazy paving. I long for a simple one. Get up, go to work, come home, drink tea, watch wrestling. That’s me contented. There’s honour to be had in that.

    And like Lost’s John Locke I’m a man of faith, a man who believes that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Getting to University, going through four years of hell, my grandparents dying, my parents splitting up, my time at Uni becoming mired in a whole heap of shit…it all happened for a reason. For many reasons. And one of them was to bring me closer to wrestling than I have ever been. To lead me down a path that culminates in one place. On one night.

    I’m no Ultimate Warrior. I’m not a Heartbreak Kid. I’ll certainly never be any kind of an Icon. But I do have my own 18 year odyssey. If Wrestlemania is where miracles happen then that’s where I want to be.

    That’s where I need to be.

    That’s where I will be. Some day.

    I can’t speak for you, but I intend to live forever and if I have to scratch, claw, scrape up every one penny piece from underneath the sofa just to get there then I will because that…THAT…is my boyhood dream. And when I’ve been there, when that’s done, I can get on with the rest of my life.

    2014. Wrestlemania 30. My money is on Bryan Danielson. Sounds good, no?

    See ya there then.
    101 WWE Matches To See Before You Die: The Book is now available to buy on Amazon UK, Amazon US and Amazon Europe! Just search for "101 WWE Matches" and it'll pop up!

    ~ Samuel Plan

  22. #22
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Reposting this JSR column because it seems more relevant than ever.

    13 Decrees Presents: Legacy Ladies: The Not-Too-Sweet Life of Georgia Brown

    WWE, you have failed us again.

    And no- this is not about an angle or the build to Wrestlemania.

    March is Women's History Month, and just as they do with Black History in February, WWE decides to "class up the joint" for a few seconds with a decent video package highlighting the heroes of yesteryear. So why am I saying that WWE "failed"? Simple: having a vast library and millions of dollars at their disposal, they keep telling us the stories of the same people over and over again. Granted, Lita and Trish are very worthy of the honors that they receive; however, by simply revisiting their Hall of Fame rivalry as if it were only the second thing involving women that ever occurred (the first being the advent of Moolah), WWE is doing women's wrestling a grave injustice.

    Not as grave as the injustices performed by Moolah herself, I might add. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

    When I came across this valuable piece of information, I knew that I had to share it. Our subject today could have very well been featured last month, but she is the perfect choice to kick off the women's wrestling history series with; and as we delve further, you will see why.

    In 1957, a Cayce, South Carolina woman named Susie Mae McCoy was recruited Buddy Lee to join a wrestling school ran by himself and his common-law wife, Mary Lillian Ellison. The school was born out of the capitalization of the fame of the 'wife', who we of course know as the Fabulous Moolah. Moolah was a popular wrestler of the 1950's, and Susie Mae, the first black student at the school, was determined to follow in her footsteps. After only eight months of training, Susie Mae was deemed ready to be plugged into the wrestling circuit.

    Women's wrestling at this time was expanding in popularity, growing rapidly from a sideshow to a main attraction that rivaled the men's events. Out of this popularity emerged yet another craze: Negro Lady Wrestling. Regardless of the fact that women and blacks were treated like second-class citizens, there was money to be made, and Lee knew this fully well. Lee christened Susie Mae "Sweet Georgia Brown", and she became a star practically overnight. Her first match in Columbia's Township Auditorium against the African Princess had her name spreading throughout the town like wildfire, and with Moolah and Lee in her corner, Susie Mae seemed destined for greatness.

    Heavy emphasis on the word seemed.

    Let's not gloss over the fact that Susie Mae was a black woman, which doubled her proneness to discrimination so much to the point where she literally had to be smuggled into wrestling venues in the trunk of a car. The KKK was active in many of the sites she wrestled in, so she had to be brought in the back door. Unphased by this, Sweet Georgia Brown's star was on the rise, especially in her hometown. Having won the Texas Negro Women's championship in 1964, she found her likeness on posters and trading cards all over town. Despite being prohibited to wrestle the whites who held the more prestigious titles, she was ranked No. 4 in the world in wrestling publications. Susie dreamed of becoming the first black world champion, equal on footing with her white counterparts, and able to provide the best life for her children.

    While Sue was chasing this dream on the road, her family back at home in Cayce had to deal with reality. When Sue first went on the road, she only had one child named Kenny. Her 11 siblings had agreed to look after him while she was on the road, and she promised to send money to help for his care. Now, it's not that she wasn't willing to keep her promises; it's just that she wasn't being paid. As it was for even the white women at the time, she was the victim of shady wrestling promoters. I know, this isn't news. But we have to understand that while being a man in the wrestling world was tough enough, being a woman was ten times as rough. After having to prove themselves in grueling training by men who were not easy on them, they wrestled nightly, and would not be compensated unless they slept with either their trainers or the promoters (or both). In her autobiography, Moolah claims that she refused to sell her body for fame (though she was the biggest star of the day). It must have been nice to at least have that choice, because Susie sure didn't.

    After having to lay flat under the seat of a bus in order to make it into a town alive, and to entertain sold out crowds, Susie would be forced to allow strange men into her hotel rooms. If she refused to do the deed for her booking, she was raped. Sometimes, knowing "the drill", she would comply and begin disrobing at the sound of the knock. Other times, she was a little too hesitant for the man's liking, and was beaten until her eyes swelled shut. Where was she going to turn for help? Not her management team of Lee and Moolah- who were setting up these "bookings". Not the police- because the then-Chief of police was the grand wizard of the KKK, and a man who sired her second child by way of sexual assault. As a matter of fact, to the annoyance of her family, Sue seemed to always come back home with another baby.

    These babies- six in all counting Kenny- had to deal with harsh conditions of their own in between the warm homecomings of their superhero mom. These children suffered at the hands of their own aunts, uncles and cousins. Their crime: being half-breeds. These kids all had white fathers and were what black folks call "high-yella" (that is, high yellow- the description of their light complexion due to their bi-racial background). They didn't understand the angry grumblings about their mom when she was away; nor did this understand why they were fed table scraps, or why they were purposely left in the sun and had chickens pecking on them (in order to try to make them darker). Mom was being abused on the road, and the kids were being abused at home, to the point where one daughter admitted to nearly being raped by a family member, and another attempted suicide.

    Susie Mae was fed drugs on a regular basis by Lee and Ellison. Many believed that this was done as a means to control her. It was said that she even wrestled several matches under the influence. In a rather sad episode that was confirmed by relatives to be true, Susie's daughter Barbara recounts a time when her mom came home for a very brief visit. She came out of the backseat of a fancy car, and Buddy Lee and Moolah came out of the front. Barbara was relishing the moment of sitting on her mommy's lap, when suddenly Moolah told Susie it was time to go. Susie wanted more time her with her kids and said that there was plenty of time to arrive at the next wrestling venue. Moolah then struck Susie and dragged her into the car, almost like an abduction, all while little Barbara (who was 6 at the time) was screaming and holding onto her mom's leg. An uncle came to retrieve the little girl, while her grandfather threatened Moolah.

    "You’re around a bunch of black folk and the river is just down below that path. You could disappear and they would never find you.”

    (Forgive me for salivating at the thought of Moolah and Lee getting jumped.)

    The couple got into the car and sped away. (Moolah apparently got "amnesia" and couldn't recall this event) Not realizing her human worth and still chasing an unattainable dream, Susie just accepted incidents like those as things "being the way that they were." She held on to the notion that if she could work her way to the top, she could really be in the driver's seat and see some income. It was not to be; as Susie returned home from the road permanently. She was penniless and her family was highly upset that there were no savings. They chalked it up to "dealing with white folk," but we can clearly see that race only played a percentage of a part in this. Evil can come in any color.

    Susie spent the remainder of her life working two jobs six days a week and trying to bring her children to church with her. She rose early and went to bed late up until she was diagnosed with breast cancer. In 1989, she passed away while laying in the arms of Barbara. Though her family may still hold grudges to this day, her children have nothing but warm, fond memories of their mom whom they absolutely hated to see leave for her job on the road. They often played with mementos of her wrestling past- which included her embroidered robe, her wrestling gear, and her Texas title belt- before watching an uncle burn them on the lawn. Her son Michael, who may or may not be the son of Buddy Lee himself, is now a business owner and an ordained minister, and has taken upon himself the challenge of finding out more of his personal history- including the truth of who his father is.

    Moolah went on to book women's wrestling for Vince McMahon Sr., then Jr. and the rest as they say is history. With Moolah as one of the writers of women's wrestling history, it's not a big surprise that the name Sweet Georgia Brown (obviously not to be confused with Jacqueline Moore, who once used that name) is not included in the list of pioneers on WWE's website. This one of the uglier sides of wrestling's golden age that would paint one of their icons in a very bad light.

    So while WWE encourages us to celebrate the rivalry of an alternative punk princess and a former fitness model for the one millionth time, feel free to take the time to reflect on the real life drama of this unsung heroine of the squared circle, who sacrificed everything trying to shift the status quo for her race and her gender; and a loving mother who worked extremely hard to make life better for her children.

    Susie Mae McCoy a.k.a. "Sweet Georgia Brown" (1938-1989)

    Take a look at Sweet Georgia Brown through the eyes of her family by clicking here:

    Stay tuned for more Wrestling's Legacy Ladies! I'm JSR. Good night!

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