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Thread: Bearly Reviewing III

  1. #1
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014

    Bearly Reviewing III

    We’re BACK once again with BEARLY REVIEWING, bringing you a third completely uninterrupted year of the hottest and most definitive review column. Everything we say happens on Raw and Smackdown is definitely a thing that happens FOR REAL. No liars here… we bring you only the truth and sometimes also the consequences. And we do it all FOR FREE.

    My best friend in the whole world ’Bear has extremely well-functioning gonads and impregnated a lady about nine months ago. So he might have to take a bit of time off over this, our THIRD YEAR of doing these every week. Except for Christmas, because nobody should have to work on Christmas.

    Plus, we’ll probably do some special features over the year EXCLUSIVELY right here at’s columns forum, where some will tell you the lepers congregate. But never mind what they tell you.

    On with the show.

    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Darling Alexa is apparently fighting Asuka tonight, a booking decision that is definitely sensible and not at all giving something away for free.

    Raw opens properly with old men talking. Kurty Angels tells us all about the Rumble matches, which will be exactly the same as the other Rumble matches throughout history. Somehow they’re going to scrape together 30 women to be in that one, which should be fun until Stephanie wins it all.

    It will be OK if it means we get to see LayCool and The Iconic Duo in the same ring.

    The Bar point out that Child of Nepotism Jason Jordan should never have had a title match with The Turncoat Seth Rollins last week and they are quite disgruntled about it. Turns out that Seth isn’t very keen on Jangle either, so everything is going very well. Oh, they’re the tag champs now, by the way, that happened on Christmas while everyone was deep-frying turkeys.

    Jason Jordan vs Cesaro

    It turns out that Jason Jordan is quite good at wrestling, and just terrible at all the bits around wrestling.

    I could write that every week. I probably will.

    Afterwards Seth still looks uneasy about his adopted black brother.

    Roman Reigns says some words. They don’t really mean anything, but he’s not keen on the racist Samoa Joe.

    Bray Wyatt vs Apollo Crews

    The only way Bray can now get wins is by facing people who have lost more than him. Tune in next week when he faces Curt Hawkins. After that it’s Brooklyn Brawler forever.

    Woke Hardy turns up and giggles a bit, then lectures the crowd. ‘I can’t buhlieve you are watching this when there are so many Rohingya refugees suffering from the military crackdown in Myanmar’ he howls at them, holding up a picture of a malnourished child. ‘I, the physical manifestayshun of the soul of Sir Bobby Gandalf, will need to take theeeeese mattahs into my own hands it seems. Give us your fucking money!’

    Alexa Bliss vs Asuka

    ‘*insert name of challenger* has submitted comprehensively *insert name of champion*!’ hollers Michael Cole at ringside while Corey Graves tattoos an outline of his own penis on his inner thigh.

    The racist Samoa Joe is backstage and tells us he hates Samoans. When it’s pointed out that he’s Samoan he just shrugs and walks off.

    Braun Strowman vs Rhyno

    Wouldn’t this have been better if it was an actual Rhino? I want to see American Hero Braun Strowman body slam various safari animals.

    Big Braun just keeps going after the match ends, for funsies. Poor old Heath Slater, he’s got kids.

    He says he won’t team up with Kane, though, because Kane has a gammy eye and his mum doesn’t like Braun’s mum. Braun’s mum is a saint.

    Finn Balor has some friends, apparently. Isn’t that nice?

    Samoa Joe vs Roman Reigns

    Roman doesn’t get disqualified and wins pretty handily, all told. Kind of a shame, like.

    Goldust and Cedric Alexander vs Drew Gulak and Ariya Daivari

    Goldust 4 Cruiserweight Champ 2018.

    I hope that one time Goldust gave Ahmed Johnson the kiss of life resulted in the birth of Cedric Alexander somehow.

    Elias, Bo, and Curtis vs Finn Balor, Luke Gallows, and Karl Anderson

    I once took a short trip, whilst at University in Bath, North to Leicester. It was a fascinating place, full of nothing but ferrety looking men and women, almost as if they had all been bred from the same parental genes. I say it was a strange place, but that particular Saturday was, unfortunately, a day where there were sports on and as such there were also a number of travelling burly men, some pot bellied through years of beer abuse, others lithe and nimble as if they played the sport themselves, muscular arms sticking out from their rolled up t-shirt sleeves. I found the city to be rather strange and decided, in my infinite wisdom, to settle into a pub for the afternoon to get some food. As I sat there alone digging into a quinoa burger, I was accosted rather roughishly by a couple of the more well-maintained fans of the local sports teams. They called themselves Alexander and George, and they were there for the Rugby squaring up to fans of the opposition who were simply trying to enjoy a drink at the bar prior to the event kicking off. I could tell they were intoxicated, but I lacked a little in the self-confidence department so found myself joined by them at my table and a victim of their heckles. Soon I had had enough of all the jibes and excused myself to use the bathroom, but as I walked away I heard the scrape of wood on linoleum and realised that the two were following me. So it was that, rather than head to the toilet I diverted upstairs to the bedrooms that were available for hire in the pub, hoping to lock myself within one where I could no longer be hassled. Sadly I tore open the backside of my good jeans in my desperation to escape this pairing, and to add to my misfortune, just as I turned and closed the door, one of them managed to put their Reeboks between the door frame and the door itself and the combined power of the two men was too much for my slender frame so they forced their way in. I immediately reached to my pocket and offered up my wallet, but the two just laughed at me and batted the wallet out of my hand and to the floor. George spun me round and through me onto the bed, and at that instant I caught out of the corner Alexander remove his flaccid member from his jeans. Well I froze, didn’t I? And there, lying face down on the bed, I felt Alexander begin to tickle my perineum with his limp penis. No sooner had I begun to try and get back to my feet than George sat on my back, his weight holding me down. I lifted my head just as Alexander, now erect, slipped into my anus and, as he thrashed away in my backside, a small novelty Barack Obama bobblehead on the nightstand nodded as if in agreement with his actions. As I stared closely at this bobblehead, wishing for it to shake its head rather than nod and disagree with this rampant shagging of my arsehole, I saw slightly below it the draw of the stand start to open. It began with a miniscule, almost imperceptible, wiggle of the draw and then I saw a long skeletal finger reach out and slowly pry the draw out of its hole and into the room, and as I watched this grew to a full hand and then a cloaked head lifted out of the body of the draw itself, leaving me staring, to my shock, right into the face of Death Himself. He took in the scene before him, of George sat on my back and urging Alexander on, and then looked down at my pained and slightly panicked face. And just there, in that moment, he looked at me with where his eyes presumably dwelled deep in his hooded skull and muttered under his breath, as if relaying an aside to an office ally, ‘Rugby players. Motherfucking gay boys!’ And then he slid back into the drawer from whence he had appeared, somehow closing it from within and shutting himself away from the scene of my buggering. Alexander was compelled to finish by George, but rather than ejaculate within me he bathed George’s rugby top in his love juice, and then they both left in tandem, leaving me to pick up my wallet. I later purchased a replacement pair of jeans which I have to this day, and yet wearing them is hard as it always reminds me of this day.

    That’s all to say that this Borin’ Snorin’ Tourin’ Floorin’ Implorin’ Apple Corin’ Deplorin’ Motorin’ Ignorin’ Soarin’ Roarin’ Scorin’ Gorin’ Clawin’ Finn Balor match is less interesting than that story.

    Paul Heyman has a direct line to Satan and he’s told him that Brock Lesnar is actually his favourite, not Kane. This makes Kane quite unhappy, so they do a fight until people stop them from fighting.

    Rating – I still can’t believe Kane is going to main event a pay per view. Kane!

  2. #2
    The Brain
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    Sep 2013
    That Kalisto gif is so goddam hypnotic.

    Cheers to a third year!

  3. #3
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014

    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown tonight comes from Orlando, which is in Florida. Famous people from Orlando include:

    - Joey Fatone: A poor man’s Justin Timberlake
    - A.J. McLean: A poor man’s Howie Dorough
    - Jan Mulder: Not off of X-Files

    We spend a long time watching old men who shouldn’t wrestle talk about the situation involving younger men who should definitely wrestle. Some of them will wrestle later. Shane McMahon is there because he’s always bloody there now.

    Shad vs The Usos

    This is for the tag titles.

    They do that thing where nobody can recognise which Uso is which so the wrong one gets pinned.

    Rather than use that to build suspense to next week, they reverse the decision straight away. Suddenly, Dusty Rhodes shouts ‘that ain’t how ya do it!’ from the sky.

    Then The Usos win.

    The New Hart Foundation are walking backstage. Sami and Big Kev say that AJ will lose tonight.

    The Bludgeon Brothers beat up Breezango. The Ascension come to help but also get beaten up.

    Aiden English vs Xavier Woods

    Xavier Woods beats off his competition like he’s turning a new Paige in 2018.

    For some reason we need the 20 active women on the WWE roster to all individually announce that they’re in the 30 woman Royal Rumble. I don’t know why.

    Thee Riott Squadd vs Natalya, Tamina Snuka, and Carmella

    You know when you play a videogame and you have to defeat a bunch of tiny little bosses who aren’t as taxing as the big final boss just so you can get a shot at the big final boss?

    This is like that. Charlotte FLAIR is the big final boss.

    They all have a little natter after winning, but fortunately Sarahh Logann doesn’t speak this time. Charlotte FLAIR brings some of her friends, Naomi because she’s not racist and Becky Lynch because she likes improv comedy, out from the back and they beat the three of them up a bit.

    Afterwards, Becky Lynch tells a joke. ‘Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four they would be chicken sedans!

    Nobody laughs.

    Hello, it is I, the one true Baron of the WWE Baron Corbin. I’m here to announce that, courtesy of my butler Jasper, I will be attending the Royal Rumble and participating in its titular match. Yes, Jasper will drive me there in the Bentley, and I will leave my lavish home to deal with the cretins that WWE currently employs. Now, Jasper, have you got my brie? And the crackers, please don’t forget the crackers Jasper, last time you only served be the cream crackers and frankly I’m simply desperate for a multigrain or one of those delicious little Hovis ones.

    AJ Styles vs Sami Zayn

    It’s non-title. Guess who’s winning?

    Sami Zayn wins, of course.

    Everybody was at ringside, so everybody got involved at some point in time.

    Eh, La, I wanna handicap match against them both! I’ve been down The Asda at reduced bread time, ya wally, an I’ve fought off the Grannies to get me reduced Tiger loaves. I ain’t afraid to take ‘em both on!

    Somehow AJ Styles requesting a handicap match ends up with it being for the title at the Royal Rumble. Backstage Daniel books it, which makes me think he’s just being deliberately bad at his job in an attempt to get fired and travel to Japan in a couple of days.

    Rating – Sigh

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Feb 2015
    Love that this is still going strong for a third year. Big props.

    Is Sami no longer Salmon?

  5. #5
    Member 205 Clive's Avatar
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    Jun 2017
    This might be my go to for official catch-up of the product and not LOP's results page! Any chance it can be swapped over?

  6. #6
    Wet Dream Machine SkitZ's Avatar
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    Sep 2013
    The Ascension's dominance in NXT now feels like an odd dream I had years ago. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if they - along with Breezango - were put in a 4-on-2 handicap match against the Bludgeon Brothers and still soundly squashed.

    I also saw someone suggest Woods winning the United States Title and it leading to the dissolution of New Day. Me thinks I could definitely get behind a triple threat bout between Xavier, Kofi and Big E at Mania.

    That column banner is epic. Here's hoping Bearly Reviewing lasts another 3 years at least.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    Many thanks to our loyal readers who have stuck with us for two years and into our third. It feels weird to put '2016-2018' at the end of our columns, so we don't do it because it's strange.

    I don't want to see the New Day ever break up. If anything, I want to see Xavier Woods be a manager who occasionally wrestles, Kofi be the US Champion, and Big E challenge for the WWE Championship.

    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw opens properly with younger men talking, in a daring and revolutionary break from the normal format. Roman Reigns is glad that he barely survived The Racist Samoa Joe last week. Jason Jordan and Seth Rollins show up and they all have a good chinwag about the rising price of bread.

    Balor Club turn up, which is really fun for all the marks who like that sort of thing. These guys all end up in a match tonight, bumping our previous main event of Heath Slater vs R-Truth a a no holds barred half an hour iron match out of the running order.

    This took 27 minutes.

    Sasha Banks & Bayley vs Sonya Deville & Mandy Rose

    You dare to insult my motherland, the home of Borscht, Golubsty, and Solyanka Soup?’, screams Sasha, remembering her Russian routes. ‘My comrade and I shall defeat you, and you will become the next name to feel the wrath of these Putin endorsed fists!

    Sasha wins it with the Bank Statement. Afterwards she drapes them in a Russian flag laced with Polonium-210 and celebrates with a Hopak, further inflaming Ukraine-Russia tensions.

    Matt Hardy vs Curt Hawkins

    Ah cannot buhlieve that you are not agreeing with the words of our Queen Oprah Weefrey Mistah Hawkins! Your denial of the opresshun felt by the women in the world is frankly offensive to me and mah wife. Ah think it is time you were officially WOKEN’ says Woke Matt Hardy to his opponent.

    Curt just lies down and lets him sit on him. He knows his place.

    After the match Bray Wyatt appear and he and Matt giggle at each other for a bit, because that’s what really made the Broken Hardy stuff so good, the laughing.

    Well it sure is good to be back on Waw! And Bo and Curtis, you are both here like before! What twemendous effort you have put in to making sure I was so missed by all these people in my absence.

    Yes Miz, we’ve all weally missed you over the past few weeks!’ says Bo, giddy with excitement that his friend has returned. ‘Your weturn is much welcome. Now, have you met our new fwiend Elias? He is a wandering twoubador, and he wites the most excellent songs. Elias, would you care to perform your latest composition?

    Well, if you insist Mr Dallas, sir. I call this one ‘Hanging With The Miztourage’…'

    Shut up, Elias. This is my moment, and you will not spoil it with one of your little ditties! Now, since I weturn tonight, I imagine you all have gifts for me. Bo, did you get me a pwesent? I sent you a delightful gift for Cwistmas, as I wemember, a ship in a bottle that works like a snow globe, I believe?[/COLOR]’

    Yes Miz, and it was vewy appweciated. And I have here a gift to wecipwocate – a fwamed picture of you!

    Why, this is a delight Bo! I have always wanted a new picture of myself to go in the nursewy at home, and now I have one. You will help my baby gwow up looking at a man who knows no limits. Vewy appweciated. Curtis, did you wwap this yourself?


    Oh Curtis, it is a wonderful gift! A stacking toy for the nursewy also! My child will gweatly appweciate this as they gwow older. Did you like the Wolex with my face on it I got you?

    Curtis…tell time! Eight O’Clock!

    Oh Curtis, look at how that pwivate tutor has impwoved your mental capacities! You are doing so well now. Anyway, it is time that we turned our attention to the nefawious Woman Weigns, who has stolen my Intercontinental Championship. I must admit, his theft has had me in quite the fuffery buffery this holiday season and I did not sleep at all well, even though I was next to Mawyse in my own bed. What shall we do about that nasty man?

    Maybe we should lock him in a box and send him back to Flowida, Miz? Then he might learn how to wwestle at the Performance Centre!

    Hah! That is vewy witty, Bo. The man could certainly do with some education. But perhaps I shall just beat him in a rematch…

    Hear you’re talking about beating me, Pussies?

    Ah! No! Woman Weigns! Stay back, my fists of fuwy are weady and willing to cause you a significant amount of inconvenience!

    Cedric Alexander vs Enzo Amore

    Poor old Enzo cocks his leg up and can’t get back in the ring in time, the loser.

    Everyone requests matches with someone from Kurty Angels. They all get them, because that’s how Raw works.

    The Bar vs Titus Worldwide

    This is a tune up match for The Bar ahead of their Royal Rumble title mat…*shuffles notes* *rereads notes*

    It says here Titus Worldwide won. That can’t be right, can it?

    Paul Heyman says somethings about his Enormous Meaty Sentient Thumb winning a match. Kane, who may I remind you is still a thing in 2018, attacks them both.

    American Hero Braun Strowman then attempts murder by pulling over a lighting rig with a grappling hook he pulled from his utility belt. Yes, American Hero Braun Strowman is the new Batman.

    Akira Tozawa is his Robin.

    Samoa Joe vs Rhyno

    Joe wins and then breaks his foot. SAD! He says he’s going to beat up John Cena in a rematch from Velocity in 2003.

    Backstage, Darling Alexa and Nia are having a small picnic. There is a spread of cucumber sandwiches, homemade lemonade, and a wonderful Victoria sandwich, which is something John Cena has previously enjoyed also. Darling Alexa tells Nia that Asuka has been saying mean things about here.

    This makes Nia angry so she beats up Asuka. I think she could do with some therapy for her anger issues, personally.

    Not The Shield vs The Club

    In my early twenties, I went to Bangladesh for two weeks. The country itself was fascinating, the dichotomy between rich and poor almost startling. I stayed in a small hotel near the centre of Chittagong, with my intentions being to enjoy the local atmosphere and to take in the sights a little on my travels, but not to stray to far. I was fortunate that, not far from my hotel, was a charming market selling all manner of local fruit and vegetables. I became something of a regular patron here, purchasing the necessary vegetables, spices, and rice that I may take back to my hotel and cook over the small burner that my room was fitted out with. It was on one such foray into the market that I became acquainted with a man called Charles. Australian, he was, and he told me that, like myself, he was visiting the country as a traveller, taking in the ambience of the place, just before he went ack to University to finish his masters in sports therapy. I was intrigued by his specialism, and when he asked me to lunch I couldn’t resist the opportunity to discuss it further with him. As he divulged the details of the various types of massage around the thighs, we dined on a local curry made in the open air of the market. As we finished up our lunch, draining the last of a beer each, Charles requested that I show him the market I had come to learn over the previous week, as this was his first day in the city, and I gladly volunteered my services. I took Charles through the bustling streets, so full of people that we had to walk in convoy to negotiate them, and to my preferred fruit stall, as I needed to purchase a bunch of bananas, as well as vegetables for that nights dinner. As I approached the stall, I felt two firm hands on my shoulders and they bundled me off the path and behind the canvas stall, where there was nothing but crates of produce waiting to be sold. I turned around at that point, and to my shock there was Charles, his jeans around his ankles and his now erect penis in his hands. Well I froze, didn’t I? And in that moment, Charles grabbed me by the top of my head and forced me to my knees, sliding his erection through my lips and into my mouth. As I knelt there, praying for someone to come back and acquire some more vegetables to put out for sale, Charles thrusting into my throat, I heard a low rustle to my left, in amongst the canvas bags of root vegetables stored there. I looked to the left, and out of the corner of my eye saw the tip of a black cloak peering around one of the bags. As I continued to watch this scene, my throat now being rubbed raw from the depth Charles was driving into my mouth, the cloaked figure rose up above the bags and, to my surprise, revealed that he was sitting astride the back of a donkey. It was then I realised that the hooded figure I was looking at was Death Himself. He clipped and clopped out from behind the produce and then, right there, turned and looked me in the eye. The hustle and bustle of the market suddenly went quiet in my ears, replaced only by an eerie, windy silence, much like one would hear on the moors of Yorkshire on a cold winter’s morning. And as Death stared at me I heard, travelling on this wind, his rusty, throaty voice intone ‘Rugby players. Motherfucking gay boys!’ And then he trotted off on his donkey, out of sight through the back of the markets. Charles pulled out of my mouth just as he came, showering me in his salty semen, and then tucked himself away and scarpered, leaving me to clean myself on the back of the market stall. I then purchased my bananas, a lauki and some galore for my dinner, and returned to my hotel.

    That’s all to say that this Borin’ Snorin’ Tourin’ Floorin’ Implorin’ Apple Corin’ Deplorin’ Motorin’ Ignorin’ Soarin’ Roarin’ Scorin’ Gorin’ Clawin’ Clamorin’ Finn Balor match is less interesting than that story.

    The Club win.

    After the match, The Miztourage attack. Because The Miz is now extremely beloved, the crowd go wild.

    Rating – Sweet like chocolate, boy. Brings me so much joy.
    Last edited by Oliver; 01-10-2018 at 08:53 AM.

  8. #8
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Your Matt Hardy is sounding a little Foghorn Leghorn there. Miz with an Elmer Fudd speech impediment is just too perfect though.

  9. #9
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
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    Sep 2013
    I'd watch the shit out of Braun Strowman as Batman.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    mizfan, I work in only Hanna-Barbera cartoon imitations. Someone's going to be Quick Draw McGraw before you know it.

    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown tonight comes from Birmingham. Famous people from Birmingham include:

    - Kenny Baker: R2D2
    - Ali Campbell: UB40
    - Ocean Colour Scene: 1990s

    ‘Eh La!’ AJ spits into the microphone to start us off. ‘Oo do you fink you are, La? One of youse is a fish an the other looks like he’s ad too many fish, know what I’m sayin’? Youse ain’t got nuffin on me, youse is barely a touch on the Spice Boys. Bet youse ave nevva worn a white suit to Wembley, ya nonces.’

    Salmon (thanks for the reminder) flaps out to the stage with Big Kev clutching his tail. They tell AJ they didn’t understand him and say ‘yep’ a bit. Far Too Regularly Occurring Shane comes out and, as the heel authority figure, puts the heels AJ, Overexplainer Randall Keith Orton, and Sky High Nickypura in a handicap match against the faces Salmon and Big Kev.

    Rubyy Riott vs Becky Lynch

    Overacting Becky comes to the ring in full make-up as a koala bear, for some reason. Koala bear are largely sedentary animals, but are vicious when attacked. Ruby has never watched the Discovery Channel so attacks and gets beaten up.

    Afterwards, Becky Lynch tells a joke. ‘What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo with a Cyanistes? Bouncing Boobs!

    Nobody laughs.

    The Ascension vs The Bludgeon Brothers

    On Smackdown, the land of diminishing returns, this will continue for another few weeks before anything good happens.

    Mojo Rawley vs Zack Ryder

    You’ll know this match was happening because they allowed it so much build up time both guys cut the best promos of their career on Facebook and Twitter rather than within the two hour time allowed for this program.

    Mojo wins by punching Zack in the head with a run up.

    He’s going to end up facing Bobby Roode in the next round, so he comes out and Gloriouses all over the place. That’s it, that’s his character. ‘Has a theme song’ is a character, right?

    Shad come out together and talk about some things. Often Present Daniel comes out and he says they can have a title rematch, which is kind of him, isn’t it?

    Rusev Day vs Breezango

    Breezango win, which is good because they’d spent the weeks before this losing.

    It makes Rusev a bit grumpy, though.

    Regularly Occuring Shane has the audacity to question the mental stability of Backstage Daniel. For real, the man who is still bitter that he decided to jump off of a big cell onto a table and is using that as grounds for bullying two members of his workforce is asking whether someone else is mentally stable. I don’t know. I really don’t.

    The New Hart Foundation vs AJ Styles and KingSnake

    AJ KingSnake win by DQ.

    Shane restarts it, the vengeful nerd.

    AJ KingSnake win by count out.

    Shane restarts it, the vengeful nerd.

    Salmon ends up being diced and served for Overexplainer Randall Keith Orton. ‘You see, sushi is a dish, that is a meal, served commonly in Japan, that is a country in Asia of which the capital, that is domestic business and financial centre, is Tokyo, but often available in local supermarkets, that is large shops which sell foodstuffs, around the world, that is the common terminology used to refer to the planet which we inhabit, of raw fish, that is an animal which lives in the either salt or fresh water, and rice’, he says as the pinfall is counted.

    Shane punches the sky because he’s just a big bully.

    Rating – Look up Cyanistes if you didn't get it. Quite proud of that one.

  11. #11
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    ‘Has a theme song’ is a character, right?

  12. #12
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Poor Bobby.

    I think this might be the longest Bearly to date, so sorry about that.

    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw opens with American Hero Braun Strowman. He says he's going to win at the Rumble, which is a nice goal to have for the year I think. Kurty Angels comes out and fires him because of reckless endangerment or whatever. This makes Braun rather angry.

    Braun walks off, but then throws some security guys around. He ain't finished until everybody gets THESE HANDS.

    The Bar vs Titus Worldwide

    You know how last week it was a shock and surprising that Titus Worldwide won? This week they do the same thing but everyone isn’t as shocked. Also Jason Jordan causes a distraction, which helps.

    Do you think Titus Worldwide would have had more success had he focussed first on local expertise before breaking out into the Global market? It seems like, as a business, it’s trying to run before it can walk.

    Also, can we use this to get just one absolutely baller 15 minute Apollo Crews vs Cesaro match?

    Big Braun destroys Kurty Angels’ office. Then he destroys all the catering and eats some chocolate cake. I like Big Braun.

    Cedric Alexander vs Tony Nese

    Cedric wins, of course. He’s facing Enzo at the Royal Rumble, don’t you know?

    American Hero and Idol Braun Strowman overturns a fucking truck. This is not fictional, this absolutely happened. This guy is a star. Build the damn company around him.

    Then he tries to murder Michael Cole. Somebody stops him, for some reason. Braun ends up throwing him on top of a bunch of guys.

    Asuka vs Nia Jax

    Poor old Nia hurts her leg so Asuka wins by stoppage.

    Everyone requests matches with someone from Kurty Angels. They all get them, because that’s how Raw works.

    We’re about halfway through the show now, and Jason Jordan gets to set the main event of Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins. Looks like we’ve got to wait another week for that Heath Slater vs R-Truth Ironman match, guys. Sorry.

    The Revival vs Aaron Solow and Ricky Starks

    The Revival wreck these two jackfruits, obviously.

    Thank goodness they were on the show this week.

    They cut a promo about how they’re professional wrestlers, not sports entertainers, and that they’re not keen on any of the legends turning up next week because they’re all about crotch chops and beer baths.

    Slowly and silently, I raise my fist in solidarity with them. I’m still stunned that two of the most Arn Anderson motherfuckers in the company can be the best damn tag team on the planet in 2018.

    It sure is good to be wid of that wascal Woman Weigns once and for all. We sure showed him on Waw last week who is weally the biggest woofer on this show!

    Yes Miz, we weally put him in his place, the big bully! And now we needn’t get ourselves in a fuffewy buffewy over Woman Weigns any longer. I have asked Elias to wwite us a song about our victowy. Play it, Elias.

    Well, if you insist Mr Dallas, sir. I call this one ‘Winning With The Miztourage’…'

    Shut up, Elias. This is our time, and we are the gweatest thwee man team this pwogwam has ever seen. We will be victowious all the time fwom here on now that we are wid of our enemies!

    Yes Miz, you are surely the gweatest Intercontinental champion that ever did weign over that particular division. And if anybody says otherwise I will simply bweak it to them that they are wwong wwong wwong, more wwong than a phone book in Asia.

    Curtis…think Bo…a little racist.

    Oh Curtis, you are funny, that is a little bit wacist you are wight, and it is important that we talk to our fwiend here and ensure that he makes no such wise cwacks again. We should be wespectful of all waces, and understand that what’s not offensive to us could be offensive to others. Now Bo, I would like you to apologise to the Chinese.

    Sowwy China, I told a joke that was wacially insensitive and I wealise now that this was wwong. I am Naughty McBaderson and should not have done such a wicked thing.

    It’s OK Bo, don’t be to hard on yourselves. These situations are twicky to master and understand, but we will help where we need to.’

    Curtis help Bo understand?

    Yes Curtis, and it was vewy impwessive that you identified this potentially offensive joke in the first place. I think I have some chocolate buttons in my bag that you can have as a tweat for being so clever today, let me just look…ah yes, here we are. You take those Curtis, they are daiwy fwee too so they won’t give you nightmares tonight.

    Curtis hate nightmares!

    I think we all do, Curtis. Now, about that Woman Weigns. Well, we are wid of him, aren’t we? There’s no way back fwom my dweaded Skull Cwushing Finale…

    Think you’ve heard the last of me, Pussies?

    Mr Weigns! You big bully! How dare you intewwupt me again. Week after week it’s the same thing with you. Well no more standing idly by. Curtis, Bo…get him!

    Curtis Axel and Bo Dallas vs Roman Reigns

    They all wrestle for a bit and then Roman wins.

    Sasha Banks vs Sonya Deville

    How dare you disrespect the tricolour of my country!’ screams Sasha. ‘We invented spying, and we know who you pissed on! Disrespect us again and we hall come down upon you with a most outrageous anger! Our leader Vladimir Putin will not stand for your insubordinance!’

    Sonya wins. Afterwards, crestfallen by her defeat in the name of Russia, her motherland, Sasha swigs from a bottle of Stolichnaya alone.

    Matt Hardy vs Heath Slater

    It is not pahssible for be to farthom how you can be blind to the blight of African Americans in this country, Heath Slayter! They are unfurly targeted by the pohlice evary day, and not given opportunites to prove what they can do. They are African AmeriCANs, not African AmeriCAN’Ts. It is time for you to be official WOKEN!

    Matt wins, then probably has a little giggle.

    Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins

    I once took a short venture to Peru, looking for Paddington Bear in the deepest, darkest regions of the country. I was joined on my venture by a couple of friendly Uruguayans I had met on my travels, Joaquin and Mateo. They were a friendly pair of gentlemen, both caring greatly about their looks and also our progress through the Peruvian Amazon on the hunt for that bear, or at least relative of his, and discuss the nature of their love of marmalade. It had always somewhat bothered me that here, in the rainforest, there were not only sentient bears but ones capable of producing and jarring their own jams and preserves. I was most interested to find out what else they perhaps had a fondness for – would they, perhaps, develop chutneys using indigenous fruits and vegetables? Did they maybe make jars of pâté? Such questions ran through my head as we walked alongside the Apurimac river and connected to follow first the Ene and then the Ucayali. The Ucayali was a particularly fascinating river laden with curious fauna, such as the giant otter and the Amazonian manatee. As I looked out across the mud brown water at one such animal, I felt alongside me, closer than he had been for the whole hike through the trees, the presence of Mateo. A burly man, probably entering into his late twenties yet still with silvery flecks cutting through the dark colour of his beard, Mateo had told me earlier of his time on the books of La Cachila, a rugby club most well known for their dominance of the national league in the early ‘70s. He’d talked to be about how his entire family had been greatly affected by the crash of Flight 571, including the loss of his Uncle, also a rugby player. It was quite affecting to see such a big man fall so quiet as he talked about these events, a quiet reverence coursing through his voice. As we both stood and stared out at the river I felt, very tenderly, his hand reach for mine as if we were long friends or, indeed, lovers. He turned to look at me, as if seeking my approval of his actions, and noticing this I turned to him. It was then that he kissed me, passionately, on the mouth. His beard, untampered from days growth from our trip, was bristly and yet also soft, like a loofah. I returned his kiss, slipping my tongue between his teeth, and found to my surprise and delight that he tasted of plums, raspberries, and the glue from envelopes. I began to pull away, the moment some what passing, but Mateo grasped me by the back of the neck and held on to the kiss, his tongue now firmly tickling my tonsil. And as we stood there locked in an embrace I felt him slip a hand into my waterproof trousers. Well I froze, didn’t I? And in that moment, Mateo had placed his calloused hand firmly and roughly onto the front of my boxer shorts and started to rub against me. I had a somewhat natural reaction to this that Mateo, it appeared, took for acquiescence as he in turn shoved my hand down the front of his pants and onto his erect member. It seemed Joaquin had been left behind somewhere, possibly killed by Mateo so that he may enjoy this moment, as I never saw him again. As Mateo rubbed himself against me, his erection firmly sliding against my fingers, I tried to look past his hairy face and back out across the river, longing for the moment to come to an end. It was there that I saw, emerging from the depths, a black cloaked figure riding an Amazon river dolphin some way off in the distance. The pinkish colour of the mammal was unmistakable, and as it undulated towards me, dunking the man with every movement it made, I began to see the cloaked figure was holding a staff in his skeletal hand. It was here I realised that I was watching Death Himself approach me. He guided the dolphin to the edge of the river as if parallel parking and, dripping wet and clearly exercised by his activity, took a few gaspy, rattly breaths to regain his composure. Then he looked at Mateo and I, wrapped up in what appeared to be a near mutual game of chicken tug. He dismounted the dolphin and circled us, his head cocked, as if he needed time to process exactly what he was saying. Mateo grunted into my mouth and I could tell, in the way his body was trembling gently against mine, that he was close to climax. Death finished his circling and, leaning closely to my ear, whispered in a voice that the river current could have easily swept away ‘Rugby players. Motherfucking gay boys!’ And then he mounted the dolphin again and took off, up and down on the surface of the water, the spray flying off the back of his cloak. Mateo filled his pants with his own semen and then roughly removed his hands from me, pushing me to the floor where we had moment before stood enraptured in each other, then legged it. I was left to continue the walk alone, deep into the rainforest, where I found the family of bears famous for their marmalade. They gave me a jar to take home. And it turns out that is the only preserve they make, using indigenous and locally sourced citrus fruits. It’s delicious on crumpets.

    That’s all to say that this Borin’ Snorin’ Tourin’ Floorin’ Implorin’ Apple Corin’ Deplorin’ Motorin’ Ignorin’ Soarin’ Roarin’ Scorin’ Gorin’ Clawin’ Clamorin’ Furorin’ Finn Balor match is less interesting than that story.

    Seth Rollins seems to think Martin Luther King Day is a good time to bring back the Curb Stomp. Bit insensitive, really, given that film about the racists with it in. His ex-girlfriend must have been rubbing off on him.

    Rating – Yeah, I made a rubbing off joke.

  13. #13
    Senior Junior SirSam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Newcastle, Australia
    I am now interested if Paddington's species is also interested in other jarred fruit and vegetable preserves. Perhaps it is just his family that is all in on the marmalade. What other wonders does the Paddington Universe hold?

    Also you can now call this the Award Winning Bearly Reviewing.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014

    The Award Winning Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown tonight comes from Laredo in Texas. Famous people from Laredo include:

    - Tony Dalton: Timothy’s brother
    - Janet Krueger: Freddy’s sister
    - Jose C. “Pepe” Martin, Jr.: Presumably the son of Mongo’s dog.

    Xavier Woods vs Jinder Mahal

    Jinder wins, somewhat inevitably given that he’s foreign so giving him the US Championship will be something to do.

    Hi, it’s I, Baron Corbin, the last true Baron of the WWE. Like many of my contemporaries and peers I find it rather pleasant to spend the evening on the fireside while my butler, Jasper, brings me only the finest oak matured brandy. Truly, I rarely lower myself to the level of the peasants that engage in the pugilistic sport of wrestling, far preferring the cultured arts of fencing, sailing, or competitive cross stich. But on occasion I will grace you all with my presence, and when I do that at the Royal Rumble, and event with a name that I simply cannot resist given my extremely large inheritance, I will simply dispatch all of the cretins who are beneath on my way to victory. Now, Jasper, darling, please hand me my paper, I wish to finish the Su Doku.’

    Big Billy Goldberg is going to be in the Hall of Fame this year. Where the fuck is my Regal induction, huh?

    Oh, ye wanna talk do ye Renee? I’ll give ye words, I tells ye. I went down The Asda the other day and they was all sold out of me bread like, la. I never seen anything like it. I went home absolutely devoed, desperate for some scran, when I sees a homeless plazzy Scouser from the Wirral. Well, he’s only tucking into me favourite tiger loaf, ain’t he? So I says to him ‘stop being a proper divvy, ye meff, and giz us your bread.’ I knew he wasn’t from round here, like, cause he was wearing a fucking Wigan shirt! I wasn’t having that, so I snatched his bins off his face and says to him, right on his conk I was ‘giz us your bread an you can has your bins back,’ Well, the bugger soon gave ova his loaves then, and I left him outside where it was proper Baltic and fucked of home to put some extra clobber on.

    Bobby Roode vs Mojo Rawley

    Bobby Roode wins, somewhat inevitably given that he’s foreign so giving him the US Championship will be something to do.

    Afterwards, the Singh Twins attack. They put Bobby Roode in jail and say ‘ha, now you’re in Singh Singh!’. Backstage Daniel lets him out so they can find out who the new US Champion is tonight instead of next week, which was awfully kind of him,

    Charlotte FLAIR, Becky Lynch & Naomi vs Thee Riott Squadd

    Didn’t this just happen? I’m sure it just happened. I don’t know, it’s a six woman tag again, they happen all the time now.

    Thee Riott Squadd wins, which is the first time Sarahh Logann and company have got to look a bit threatening for weeks.

    Afterwards, Becky Lynch tells a joke. ‘I had a dream I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

    Nobody laughs.

    Bobby Roode vs Jinder Mahal

    Bobby Roode wins, which means we get to go back to the really exciting Bobby Roode vs Dolph Ziggler feud soon and everyone has definitely not seen that before but is very excited for it.

    Rating – No Rusev, no party.

  15. #15
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Deep in the heart
    The son of Mongo's dog. Brilliant.

  16. #16
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I'm legitimately amazed that Jinder lost.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014

    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw is 25. That means Tyler Bate has never known a world with Monday Night Raw.

    Raw opens in the traditional manner – old people talking. Stephanie and Far Too Common Shane present their dad with a plaque. He insults it and the fans, so Stone Cold Steve Austin turns up and stunners everyone. Hello, 1998.Asuka, Sasha Banks, Mickie James & Bayley vs Mandy Rose, Sonya Deville, Nia Jax & Alicia Fox

    It’s the Royal Rumble at the weekend, so the odds are this ends up as an impromptu battle royal.

    It does that after the good lasses win. Asuka throws everyone out, obviously. Got to make her look strong so she can lose to Ronda Rousey. Sasha stares up at her from the floor. ‘This is the last time you spill my Borstch, you American loving pig! I will sort you out, and then Putin will reign high over the women’s division at my side, with me as his Queen!’

    A bunch of old people talk to each other.

    The Undertaker walks to the ring. He’s here to embrace everyone in the Manhattan Center, and wants them to all embrace him too. You see, says Undertaker, in a world full of terror, where people wake up and immediately check the news in case Donald Trump has started a nuclear war, one thing can unite us all – love. Undie goes on, saying that whether it’s a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, love is love and the world needs more of it. He surfs out on a rainbow, scattering daisies amongst the crowd. Rainbow Taker is back, baby.

    People are playing cards.

    ‘Well, I think that was a lovely message and we could all learn something vewy important fwom The Undertaker there, couldn’t we?’

    ‘Yes Miz, he weally wealy made a good point, and we should definitely love each other more. There is too much hate in the world. I had my good fwiend Elias wwite us a song about it. Elias, could you play for us, please?’

    ‘Certainly Mr Dallas, sir. I call this one ‘Loving With The Miztourage’…

    ‘Not now Elias! Now is not the time for your fwippewies! I have been thinking at gweat length about what Undertaker said and believe it is due time we extended an olive bwanch to Woman Weigns.’

    ‘But he’s a wascal! A wapscallion!’

    ‘‘Curtis think it good to love.’

    ‘Oh Curtis, what a splendid sentence and sentiment! Those personal tutor lessons are weally paying off now, I’m so pwoud of you. But yes, it is certainly high time we put this Woman Weigns feud to bed, I think.’

    ‘I must admit, Miz, it makes be quite twepidatious to appwoach Woman with the hand of fwiendship. Do you have something we can extend to him in order to gweet him more up fwont and pwovide him with an incentive?’

    ‘Actually Bo, I do. I thought he might enjoy the flapjacks which I have pwepared with my wife Mawyse in order to maintain her high iron and pwotein diet during pwegnancy. They are also vewy good for working out both pwe- and post- so I thought he would enjoy them wather than his normal supplements.’

    ‘Curtis help Bo understand?’

    ‘Yes Curtis, and it was vewy impwessive that you identified this potentially offensive joke in the first place. I think I have some chocolate buttons in my bag that you can have as a tweat for being so clever today, let me just look…ah yes, here we are. You take those Curtis, they are daiwy fwee too so they won’t give you nightmares tonight.’

    ‘You talking about me, pussies?’

    ‘Mr Weigns! We wanted to extend to who a twig of fwiendship. Here, please enjoy this flapjack…no, don’t shove it into Curtis’ mouth! They’ve got daiwy in them and evewyonne knows he’s intolewan! Oh you are a wascal Woman! I will defeat you with my fists now!’

    The Miz vs Roman Reigns

    Low and behold, The Miz wins, which is nice isn’t it? At least now the title might get some more shine than being a bit part in the Roman Reigns story.

    More people playing cards.

    Christian’s doing a Peep Show with Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan. This ends up with them doing a fight with The Bar and Rollins kneeing Jordan in the face to an enormous ovation.

    Darling Alexa and her perfect bottom talk a little bit. Charlotte FLAIR and her father Doc Brown turn up and woo.

    More people playing cards.

    Matt Hardy vs Bray Wyatt

    Shout out to everyone who bought a special ticket to be live at the Manhattan Center and got an Undertaker promo and this match for their money.

    Bray wins and then giggles.

    It says here that JoJo introduced ‘some of the great female Superstars from the past’ but it’s, like, Kelly Kelly, [bTerri Runnels[/b] and Maria among others so it’s not really that good a line-up.

    Chris Jericho goes from doing a five star main event at the Tokyo Dome to writing ‘Elias’ on a clipboard backstage.

    Elias gets to do some more singing. John Cena interrupts, because nothing quite says ‘hot up and comer’ like ‘John Cena interrupts them and steals their heat’. Elias punchs him in the balls and then Jarrett’s him with a guitar. All is right with the world.

    More people playing cards.

    Titus WorldWide vs Rhyno & Heath Slater

    They all fight too much so the referee stops the match.

    The Dudley Boyz come out and attack Heath Slater without any provocation. Everybody cheers this assault.

    Oh Christ, I can’t even talk about D-Generation coming out and asking everybody to suck their dicks right now. This has been a fucking dumpster fire.

    The Revival vs Gallows & Anderson

    Gallows and Anderson win when Dash Wilder is blinded by the radioactive colour of Gallows skin. It melts him into the canvas and the pinfall is too easy.

    Afterwards, because The Revival have only been on the show for two weeks in the past year or so and clearly need to re-establish themselves with strong victories that show their tag team excellence and not get made to look like complete chodes, D-X put them over by all hitting their finishers on them and leaving them lying in the ring.

    Kurty Angels brings out a parade of ‘legends’. Braun, Kane, and Brock come out and do a fight. Braun ends up standing tall.

    Rating –

  18. #18
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Darling Alexa and her perfect bottom talk a little bit.

  19. #19
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Now THAT'S a gimmick.

    The Award Winning Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown tonight comes from Laredo in Texas. Famous people from Laredo include:

    - Bill Nye: Science Guy
    - Samuel L. Jackson: Movie Guy
    - Ginuwine: Pony Guy

    Big Kev and Salmon have a wee natter about their match on Sunday. AJ bustles in and is all ‘eh, La, ye know ye can’t beat me, I’ve been training down on The Kop on a Saturday, Rush and Keegan like, do ye like me special mullet I’m growing it just for the occasion at the Royal Rumble when I giz youse a kicking the like you’ve not seen since that Wooly set foot on the Anfield Road.Front of House Daniel says he can fight them both tonight if he’s that eager, so AJ says yes.

    Chad Gable vs Jey Uso

    They’re doing that thing where a guy from the challenging team beats a guy from the champion team and then they have a tag title match. It’s OK, though, because we get Chad Gable Chaos Theory-ing guys onto their heads.

    Hi, it’s I, Baron Corbin, the last true Baron of the WWE. Nobody talks about it because they say it’s not the done thing, but the influx of foreign talent into this company is harming the jobs market catastrophically for the natives. Not I, of course, I am above such petty fripperies as work, but for the other plebs who need money. I can see their suffering.

    Ah, Mr Corbin, you wanna Rumble in the Jungle with me, Shinsuke Nakamura, marital artist and popular wrestler with a lazy eye socket?

    No, not now you ugly little peasant, I simply do not have time for you, nor can I find my duelling gloves. Do give me a moment and then I will happily disassemble you in formal combat.

    Ah, Mr Corbin, you sit on your hands because you are afraid to challenge. But it is like ancient Japanese proverb says – he who sits on own hands all day ends up with shitty fingers.

    I beg your pardon you ungovernable little immigrant, I think you’ll find that my fingers have remained unsullied throughout the years due to the use of my own exclusive bidets. Now, be gone with you, and I shall meet you again in the ring later to engage in fisticuffs, yah.

    Naomi vs Liv Morgan

    Naomi wins, which isn’t surprising because Liv Morgan has no concept of what wrestling actually is, let along how to do it.

    Afterwards a bunch of the ladies have a little scrap and throw each other out of the ring. Lana got to superkick someone, so that’s nice isn’t it? Charlotte FLAIR turns up and ‘wooo’s at people.

    Afterwards, Becky Lynch tells a joke. ‘What do you call a Russian arachnid? A Spy-der!

    Nobody laughs.

    Shinsuke Nakamura vs Baron Corbin

    They fight for a bit then Overexplainer Randall Keith Orton gives them both an RKO.

    You see, at the Royal Rumble, that is a pay per view event held by WWE, formally WWF, every January, that is the first month of the year, that is a timespan of 365 days, 366 on a leap year, that is a year where they add an extra day to the year in order to account for a differential between the calendar year and the solar year of nearly a quarter of a day, that is 6 hours, it truly is every man, or woman as they are doing a women’s Royal Rumble this year also and therefore we need to account also for this, for himself. And nobody expects the Orton Inquisition.

    The New Day & Bobby Roode vs Jinder Mahal & Rusev Day

    The good guys win. I’m not entirely clear why this is happening, but it is. They have a little chat about pancakes afterwards.

    AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens

    Oi, Kev, my mum says you’re a right meff and your mum’s a meff and your dad’s mum is also a meff and you grew up in a box on the street begging for money is that true?

    Shaken by these words, Big Kev taps out in a minute. Way to go, Smackdown.

    AJ Styles vs Salmon

    You’re a right fish, you, you’re no Bruce Grobbelaar are you? He was a right laff back in the day. Met him once down The Asda, he was buying some yoghurt and I was getting me tiger loaves. I said to him ‘here, Bruce, catch, it’s banana flavoured. He dropped the yoghurt on the floor, the silly divvy. Never was that good at catching.

    Salmon wins with a Blue Thunder Bomb, pinning the WWE Champion with one of his transitional moves.

    Rating – I think this might have been alright.

  20. #20
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Ok, this is a real question. Rusev Day is not a face thing???

  21. #21
    I beat up Kong! Powder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Unfortunately no.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Quote Originally Posted by mizfan View Post
    Ok, this is a real question. Rusev Day is not a face thing???
    It really does feel like it should be, by now. Maybe they'll do a turn on it off the back of the Rumble reaction.

    Speaking of which...

    Bearly Reviewing the Royal Rumble

    It’s the Rumble and we’re on the Road to WrestlingMania 30-something. It’s whichever one the Fleur de Lis is the Roman numeral for. They do that by the numbers thingy promo, because that’s what they do.

    The Rumble tonight comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Some people from here are:

    - David Boreanaz: Angel
    - Kevin Hart: The Rock’s friend
    - Dracula

    Nobody cares about the pre-show, but The Revival won their match with a chop block which is good.

    AJ Styles vs Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens

    The Champion comes out second. HAND CLAP OF CREDIT to WWE for that.

    ’ey La, I heard your da’s a meff who lives in a caravan like a gyppo. Bet he steals from The Asda, bastards have never got me loaves, bet it’s ‘cause your da steals ‘em. He ain’t got nothing on me, I’m related on me da’s side to Ian Rush, he’s my hero, I’ve got a poster of him on me bedroom wall La, right next to that one of The Zutons with the lass playing the saxophone. Mersey sound, innit?

    AJ wins but he pins the illegal guy.

    Backstage, Oh Christ Him Again Shane just smirks at Sami and Big Kev when they point out a legitimate refereeing error. What a cunt.

    World’s Greatest Tag Team V2.0 vs The Usos

    Uh huh, Uh huh,
    It’s the Uso Penetentiary,
    We’re going to win tonight,
    Our record’s evidenciary,
    Support – for the victory claim,
    Shelton and Chad going down the drain,
    Ebony and Ivory, like the piano keys,
    You’re like Paul McCartney and his friend Steve,
    Chocolate and milk, child’s pre-bedtime snack,
    You better be ready for the Uso attack.

    A second HAND CLAP OF CREDIT to WWE as The Usos come out second. Champions should ALWAYS come out second.

    The Usos win in two straight because after the first one Papa Benjamin was too tired to keep fighting.

    The Men’s Royal Rumble match

    #1 is Rusev, who is treated like the Bulgarian hero he is.

    #2 is Finn Balor and he’s wearing Daniel Bryan Memorial Burgundy.

    They do a fight for a while and then #3 comes out. It’s Rhyno. Every chants for a promotion that’s been dead for nearly two decades because they like nostalgia but only on their own terms.

    #4 ‘It is I, the last true Baron of the WWE Baron Corbin. Yep, yep, it’s me, here to grace the Rumble with my own Regal presence. Going to enter the ring over the ropes like a real elite, and once I’m in I’m never going to get kicked out. Jasper, hand me my fighting gloves. Did you have these dry cleaned after my last duel? Yep, yep, can feel the new detergent they’re using downstairs now, really pleasant, elderflower and rose, a really great aroma.

    Baron gets dispatched then beats everyone up, even #5 Heath Slater. This just means whoever is next in has an elaborate entrance.

    #6 is Elias who has an elaborate entrance. He kicks Slater on the way to the ring then plays a little ditty.

    Andrade Cien Almas is #7 and the crowd goes mild. They fight for a bit and then Bray Wyatt comes in and punches them.

    #9, Big E, gives Heath some pancakes to energise him. Then he suplexes Bray whilst giving him a cuddle.

    Tye Dillinger is #10 because he’s destined to always be #10 until he’s unemployed. Salmon and Big Kev beat him up backstage and take his spot. That’s not how it works, they need to draw a number from a tumbler before they can enter. Illegal Canadian bastards.

    Sheamus at #11, he puts Heath in the ring which is kind, but then Slater immediately knocks him back out. Bray ditches Heath straight after because we can’t have nice things.

    Xavier Woods comes at #12. It’s true, just ask Paige, it’s his favourite position in the Kama Sutra.

    #13 Someone remembered Apollo Crews is a thing.

    #14 [b]Shinsuke Nakamura comes out, he’s winning the whole thing so this should be a nice change to the cursed number.

    #15 Cesaro comes out, the new guys hit moves on everyone and then end up lying down. It’s standard Rumble fare.

    #16 is Kofi Kingston, for his annual ‘interesting save from being eliminated’ spot.

    #17: Jinder Mahal. I’ve got nothing to say. He eliminates Woods and Big E, the meanie.

    #18 is Seth Rollins, he fights with Cesaro and knocks him out.

    Jinder nearly takes out the third member of the New Day but Big E saves Kofi with pancakes. They throw him back in the ring and he knocks Jinder out. Then Almas knocks Kofi out.

    #19: Matt Hardy comes out and does the Mick Foley Memorial Randy Orton Elimination by knocking himself and Bray Wyatt over the top rope. Then he laughs. Probably.

    John Cena is #20, which is nice for him. He nerfs the heat of all the young talent and then eliminates Elias, which makes people sad.

    #21: The Hurricane. Imagine how good The Hurricane vs AJ Styles would be. You can stop, John Cena’s already eliminated him.

    #22: Aiden English. What, you’ve got more to say about Aiden English?

    #23: The Animated Body That They Call Adam Cole. Somehow his lack of personality turns the whole screen black and white.

    They’re filling up the ring nicely now so it’s probably time for a big name to come out and hit everyone with his finisher.

    #24: ‘This is the Royal Rumble, that is a reverse battle royal originally conceived by Pat Patterson, a famed homosexual, that is a person who loves only those of their same sex, which is different from gender which defines the more social role a person sees themselves within while sex is the biological features a person has, and I, Overexplainer Randall Keith Orton, have now entered at the opportune, that is lucky, moment to RKO, that is my finisher, that is a jumping cutter, different to the similar Diamond Cutter used by yoga practitioner Diamond Dallas Page in that I tend to use only a three quarter facelock and not a full one, everyone.

    He RKOs everyone.

    Titus O’Neil is still a thing. He’s tall so it will look good when a bigger name than him throws him out.

    #26: ‘Well, this is lovely, isn’t it? The Woyal Wumble. My wife Mawyse has wished us all good luck for the night and said that as long as we do our best we can get ice cweam on the way home!

    Curtis…like ice cream!

    Yes Curtis, ice cweam is a delicious fwozen tweat, and it’s vewy kind of Mawyse to let us have some Miz. Do you think I can get spwinkles?

    We’ll see Bo. And the good thing is that the nefawious Woman Weigns isn’t even in the wing yet, so I shall be wid of the fear of him showing up for at least thwee or four minutes!

    #27 is Rey Mysterio, which is nice for him isn’t it? Nobody’s been eliminated for a while so Rey throws Adam Cole out of the ring, mostly because he’s a dickweed.

    Roman Reigns comes in at #28 and that creates quite an issue for the live crowd, who are most disgruntled to see the best wrestler in the company. He eliminates Miz, the bastard, then turns on his ‘brother’ Seth Rollins and knocks him out too.

    #29: Goldust, if you care about that.

    #30: Dolph Ziggler, if you care about THAT.

    They both get pretty much immediately eliminated because the important people are in the ring now.

    It ends up being Balor, Nakamura, Reigns, and Cena. They all fight for a bit and then Nakamura wins by eliminating Reigns.

    Everyone cheers.

    Nakamura says he wants to face AJ Styles. That’s exciting, isn’t it?

    The Bar vs Seth Rollins & Jangle

    FINGER OF SHAME for WWE as the champions enter FIRST. I’m angry about this. For your information, my shame finger has been spending time in my anus.

    Jangle walks into a ring post so this ends up being the second handicap match of the night. Seth loses.

    Kane vs Braun vs Brock

    The predictions for this were pretty much all ‘Braun looks good but Brock pins Kane’ and that’s what happens.

    Women’s Royal Rumble Match

    #1 is Sasha Banks. She comes out draped in the colours of her nation, Russia, and wearing a Cossack Hat. Interestingly, she is choosing to wrestle in the hat.

    Becky Lynch comes out at #2. She tells a joke on her way to the ring: ‘What’s green, got four wheels, and hops down the road? A frogmobile!

    Nobody laughs.

    They fight for a bit and then #3 comes in. It’s Sarahh Logann, who can wrestle but can’t talk. She’s joined by Mandy Rose at #4 and they team up for a while.

    #5: Lita. Seeing as she’s a special guest she gets to eliminate someone of no consequence. Bye, Mandy.

    #6 is Kairi Sane, she gets to fight for a while and then elbows someone before Tamina SNUKA comes out at #7 and immediately gets eliminated by Lita. Then Becky dumps Lita out too, so it’s not just special guests who can chuck people over the ropes.

    #8 is Dana Brooke. She basically immediately gets eliminated by Torrie Wilson, who was #9. Like, Torrie could barely wrestle at her peak. Why has that happened?

    #10: Sonya Deville takes some revenge and ditches Wilson. Do you think Torrie ever powerbombed Kidman?

    Lol, Liv Morgan.

    MOLLY FUCKING HOLLY!!! She eliminates Sarahh Logann and then runs wild for a bit.

    Lana does some stuff, then Michelle McCool turns up and eliminates her, and Deville, and Liv, and Molly Holly. They’re doing a great job building up this retired lady as a threat. And where the hell is Layla, dammit?

    To be honest, this is kind of boring. Not in an ‘it’s not interesting’ way, in a ‘I just watched this an hour ago with the gents in it’ way. They even do an attack on the ramp when Vickie by God Guerrero lamps Carmella, like they did with Heath Slater.

    Like, it’s good, but it’s also not good to follow the same gimmick match with another hour of the same basic things.

    Kelly Kelly is a thing. She’ll win the Rumble because she’s always been terrified of the ropes.

    Natalya knocks out McCool, which means no LayCool reunion and no Iconic Duo face off, so was it really worth it?

    Nia Jax cleans house because she’s big. She even gets Naomi to do a Kofi Kingston memorial chair spot, only for Mrs Uce to jump onto Jax and immediately be eliminated.

    The Jax bit is actually quite fun.

    Ember Moon is still selling from getting wrecked by Baszler the night before. She doesn’t last long.

    Finally Asuka shows up so now the action can really get going. She hits everyone.

    Drunk Aunt staggers down to the ring at #26, a gin martini in one hand and a large sex toy in the other. She throws the drink into Natalya face and then uses the strap-on as a weapon, beating everyone up with it.

    The Bella Twins enter together. Bet one eliminates the other in a while.

    Bayley and Trish Stratus are the final two entrants. Sasha has never forgiven Bayley for a crude picture of Putin she once drew where he’s riding a wasp and saying there’s a sting in the tail of Russia. She eliminates her as revenge in the end, after everybody has eliminated Nia together.

    The final five are Trish, Sasha, Asuka and the most important two women in WWE history The Bella Twins.

    Asuka beats them all, except for Brie because Nikki eliminated her. Tune in to Total Bellas for the exclusive fallout!

    She stands in the ring and the champions stand next to her. They raise their titles and then Ronda Rousey comes out wearing her dead dad’s leather jacket.

    She’s the real Rumble winner because she points at the sign.

    To recap, the match was the same as another hour long one an hour before it, nearly half of the field was eliminated by legends, nobody is actually more important than The Bella Twins, and Ronda overshadowed Asuka winning.

    Well played everyone.

    Rating – The issue here is that they tried to do two identical -
    or at least near identical - hour long matches within very close proximity to each other, hitting similar tropes throughout the runtime of the two matches and, ultimately, leaving the second feeling extremely less significant than the first. A more appropriate a sensible booking and agenting decision would have been to have made the two markedly different in terms of execution, and also not to have overrated Ronda Rousey's power over that of Shinsuke Nakamura. The event could probably be chopped up into something that forms a more coherent, a satisfying, narrative across the runtime of the event, leading to a more effective performance art piece from top to bottom rather than the somewhat damp squib of the women's Rumble being the main event centrepiece.

  23. #23
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I can easily believe Adam Cole is bland enough to suck the color from the world.

    Honestly thought the women's Rumble was noticeably better than the men's, though that doesn't seem to be the popular stance.

  24. #24
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    I'm honestly not sure, mizfan - I think in isolation the women's might be a tad better. They're both just...Rumble matches, I guess. I don't think they've really done much to differentiate the recent ones from each other, even the one that was for the title was pretty by the book except for Reigns having a 40-odd minute break in the middle. It's not like we're getting good different things each year.

    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw opens with old women talking. What an amazing way to break down gender barriers. Stephanie McMahon plays Den Mother of the women’s division and then says Asuka will have to lose her title shot to Ronda Rousey defend her title shot in the Elimination Chamber. Sasha Banks swans out, slopping Stolichnaya everywhere as she climbs into the ring. She’s ready for Asuka and tonight will defeat her in the name of Dmitry Medvedev, for her country and for her fellow people.

    Big Braun Strowman vs Kane

    This is last man standing, so Big Braun throws an entire chunk of staging on top of Kane to stop him getting up.

    Braun stands tall and then has a little chat with Kurty Angels. He promises to stand tall at the end of WrestlingMania Fleur de Lis. That would be fun, wouldn’t it?

    Elias vs Matt Hardy

    Inevitably, Elias sings a song but gets interrupted.

    Then he wins the match because Bray Wyatt did a distraction and giggled.

    Matt Hardy giggles back. ‘You know, Bray Wyatt, you do not have the imaginayshun to be WOKEN. Think of the famines in Africah, their the rains are not blessed like in the song by the band of Dorothy’s dog. May it be that Bob Geldof, the homeless man, has failed in his famine solushuns. And you and I shall help and be officially WOKEN! Yeeeees!

    He’s a fucking weird one, isn’t he?

    After the Woyal Wumble and his inevitable defeat at the hands of Shinsuke Nakamuwa, it seems Woman Weigns wants a wematch for my Intercontinental Championship! Well I will show him just how wong he is to step to The Miz!

    Yes Miz, he weally should just give up now! Thwow in the towel before the match even starts, for we all know that you will be victowious in your wematch! I even had Elias wite a song about it. Elias, if you please…

    Certainly Mr Dallas, sir. I call this one ‘Retaining With The Miztourage’…'

    Not now Elias! This is not the time for songs! This is sewious business and I must be victowious in my defence tonight.’

    Curtis help Miz?

    Oh Curtis, a twemendous team effort is wequiwed for us to beat back a man of Woman’s standing. It will absolutely be all hands on deck!

    I am vewy anxious about being at wingside with Woman after the way he thwew you out of the wing last night, Miz. That was most dangewous, you could have damaged your tailbone and it would have been dweadful.

    It was fortunate that you were both there to catch me. I consider you both my best fwiends but also my vewy useful assitants. Now, we should stwategise for Woman tonight and then tomowwow we can all have a vewy well deserved day off.’

    Curtis go to beach.

    A vewy good idea Curtis, a twip to the beach and to soak up the sun sounds most delightful. Now, I think with Woman tonight, what we need to do is…

    Yo pussies, you talking about me again?

    Mr Weigns! How dare you twy and eavedwop on our secwet plan! I will give you what for, I swear!

    The Miz vs Roman Reigns

    The Miz wins when his friends help them, which is rather kind of them I think you’ll agree.

    Afterwards, they all put their differences aside and play Uno for the rest of the night.

    The Revival vs Rhyno & Heath Slater

    The Revival win. Obviously.

    Then they tell the crowd to stop chanting for a promotion that Paul Heyman killed years ago. They are my heroes and I accept them into my life.

    Sasha Banks vs Asukau

    This match gets called ‘physical’ because at one point Sasha tries to dive through the ropes, fucks up, and then lands on her face.

    Asuka wins, of course. Afterwards, Sasha drapes the Russian flag around her shoulders in the middle of the ring. Feeling like she can never return to her motherland, she clutches a pot of homemade Bortsch in her arms and breathes in the sweet aroma of beetroot. A single tear rolls down her cheek as she raises a fist to the sky and screams ‘for Putin!’ into the night air.

    Titus Worldwide vs The Bar

    This is for the tag titles, which The Bar retain easily enough, but hey it was probably a fun enough match to get there.

    Finn Balor vs John Cena

    La Rochelle, in France, is a beautiful place. You can recline on the beach and look out over the Bay of Biscay, or explore the picturesque Vieux Port by night, hoping from one seafood restaurant to the next on a sort of prawn crawl. It was in one such restaurant, in my late teens, that I ran into Julien, a squat little man who, within moments of us meeting, was regaling me with tales of his time in the local rugby club under 21s teams where he had nearly become a professional full-time player before leaving the sport to pursue his long held dream of owning and maintaining a fleet of fishing boats. Julien and I spoke at great length that night, so much so that as the restaurant closed we walked on to a nearby bar and continued to talk about our varied upbringings – his, the product of a harsh father and an alcoholic absent mother, filled me with a fascination that only a boy from a stable home could have. So it was that we saw the sunrise together on the harbour wall and decided that the next day would be as good a time as any to take the bridge over to the Île de Ré. The walk over the two mile bridge out over the bay was enough to clear our heads of the alcohol-induced fug we found ourselves in and we soon touched land on the island. It was a beautiful place, all tiny villages and cycle paths and curious locals who spoke almost in their own language, a succession of nods and winks rather than words seemed to be the standard communication method. As we looked out across the sea from the West part of the island, having borrowed bikes to cycle over there, I looked around and myself in complete silence but for the slow, low breathing of Julien next to me. I leant onto my elbow, resting against a rocky outcrop, and at the moment felt a surprisingly soft hand slide down my back and into the waistband of my trousers. Well I froze, didn’t I? And in that moment, before I could turn to look at him Julien and nipped the buckle of my belt open and extracted my penis, grasping it with his digits and bringing me to arousal. As I started to protest and back away I realised he had cornered me against two sides of rock and I had no escape, and so it was that I was powerless to stop him inserting my now throbbing member into his own anus and starting to slide up and down the shaft. I closed my eyes and hoped for the moment to pass quickly, but as time when on the gyrations of Julien’s own arse cheeks against my hip bones became slightly unbearable and I opened them to check for chafing. Low and behold, staring right back at me from atop of donkey was a man draped in a black cloak from head to toe. He was struggling to control his steed, which seemed desperate to turn away from the scene I was involved in, and in order to address me ended up facing across the donkey’s rear end and looking deep into my eyes. I realised, as the low throaty grumble of air escaped the mouth of this character, that I was staring into the eyes of Death Himself. He leaned forward towards me, his bony hands grasping the tail of the donkey to prevent him from falling onto Julien, who’s breath was now quickening as if he were about to climax, and I could here him just whisper ever so faintly under his breath, the hood of the cloak almost masking the words themselves, ‘Rugby players. Motherfucking gay boys!’. And then he kicked the donkey in the sides and clipped off around the corner. Julien came against the rock and then adjusted himself, pulling up his trousers and mounting his bike before setting off, and I was left alone to look out over the sea and ponder my own mortality. As the sun began to set I righted by own bike and slowly cycled back to the Eastern side of the isle, where I dined on wine and mussels pulled straight from the sea that day. I never saw Julien again after that day, but I do sometimes think of him and hope that he is successfully maintaining his fishing boats, and that they bring him a good haul.

    That’s all to say that this Borin’ Snorin’ Tourin’ Floorin’ Implorin’ Apple Corin’ Deplorin’ Motorin’ Ignorin’ Soarin’ Roarin’ Scorin’ Gorin’ Clawin’ Clamorin’ Furorin’ Chorin’ Finn Balor match is less interesting than that story.

    Cena wins, obviously. Then he points at the sign.

    Rating – So much for WWE being a full-time job and the focus of your attention for the next few years, Ronda Rousey.

  25. #25
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Sign pointing intensifies.

  26. #26
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Gold Coast, Australia
    Man I miss 'Bear doing these.

  27. #27
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Sorry Eddie.

    The Award Winning Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown tonight is still stuck in Philadelphia. Famous people from Philadelphia include:

    - Sara Crowe: Cheesy
    - Ann Bryson: Also cheesy
    - Toni Basil: The most cheesy

    Shinsuke Nakamura starts us off. ‘Ah, Smackdown, you say you want to see fighting. But it is like ancient Japanese proverb says – he who fight all time, cannot flight at right time.

    Big Kev and Salmon say some mean things about people but point out the shortcomings of the referee and also Present All The Fucking Time Shane.

    That brings AJ Styles out. ‘Yer da’s a meff Kev, and yer ma’s a biff Salmon. Ye both can do one, soft lads, Shinsuke and I are well boss and we ain’t antwacky at all.

    This ends up in an impromptu main event tag match, meaning that we’ve had to bump our previous main event of Primo Colon vs Konnor in a falls count anywhere match. Sorry.

    Kofi Kingston vs Jinder Mahal vs Rusev vs Zack Ryder

    This is to be the number one contender for the US Championship held by Robert Roode II.

    Fucking hell, Rusev wins. Everyone cheers.

    Uh huh, uh huh,
    We’re the Usos,
    Don’t walk up to us or step on our toes,
    We’ve beaten all the teams,
    Don’t even know where to start,
    All our competition just smell like wet farts.

    The Bludgeon Brothers take umbrage with this and beat up Drew Gulak’s brother to show off.

    Daniel Bryan talks about how they’re going to start using the Ring of Honor top five ranking system from years ago. That’ll be fun, won’t it?

    Excuse me, Mr McMahon, sir, it is I, Baron Corbin, the last true Baron in WWE. You see Mr McMahon, Shane if I may, I was severely hard done by during the Royal Rumble at the weekend and believe I deserve an opportunity to rectify such a terrible event. Would you, perhaps, give me an opportunity to duel with an opponent this eve upon your show?

    Looks like you weren’t paying atTENtion, Baron. The show’s full and there’s no room for your TENsion on it so maybe you should just go and TENd to your hurt feelings on your own time.

    You scallywag, Mr Dillinger! If needs be I shall best you in the ring tonight and once and for all prove that the aristocracy that I am a member of is far superior to peasants such as yourself!

    Charlotte FLAIR reminds us that the real talking point of the Royal Rumble was the appearance of Ronda Rousey, who again isn’t on the show despite being full-time. She gets beaten up by Thee Riott Squadd just for being a dimwit, then Carmella tries and fails to cash in her lunchbox.

    Tye Dillinger vs Baron Corbin

    Baron wins, inevitably.

    Turns out that Salmon and Big Kev are going to have to fight each other for a title shot next week. I bet that works out well for everyone involved.

    Shad vs Breezango

    Shad win very comfortably. You’d have thought they’d have done something fun with Breezango by now but nope, still a pair of losers.

    AJ Styles & Shinsuke Nakamura vs Big Kev & Lil Salmon

    Salmon keeps slapping himself against the ground and moving away from the ring and then back towards it. It makes Big Kev mad because he was hoping to have some nigiri later.

    Turns out he’s only doing it so Big Kev has to get beaten up a bit before he fights him next week.

    Bear’s Bookies on the outcome of the match next week

    Zayn wins – 3/1
    Owens wins – 3/1
    They work out an elaborate strategy to ensure they both emerge as winners – 1/3000

    Rating – Pretty poor.

  28. #28
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Legitimately thought for a second that they brought in half of Cryme Tyme to work a handicap match.

    Fucking hell, did they really bring in Rory Gulak for a jobber spot? I mean, it's about what he deserves but still, didn't expect that.

  29. #29
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    389 miles from Sheepster
    I assume Rousey’s absence is due to her impending arrival on NXT where she’ll pay her dues by jobbing to Vanessa Borne for a year before her callup.

  30. #30
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    She has to pay her dues, dammit!

    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw opens with a short chat between two young gentlemen and then some actual wrestling, which is nice. Jonathan Coachman is there because someone once asked ‘what could possible be worse than Booker T?’Bray Wyatt vs Roman Reigns

    As you will recall from every other time we saw this match, Roman Reigns wins.

    Matt Hardy attacks Bray after the bell because he doesn’t donate any of his pay to children’s charities and so obviously still isn’t woke enough.

    Seth and JAngle have a little talk backstage. Jangle says he’s not going to cost them their rematch tonight. Seems like the kind of thing you’d say when you’re definitely going to cost yourself your rematch tonight.

    Finn Balor & Karl Anderson vs The Revival

    I spent a weekend once in Leicester. It’s a grim place, and I was there only for a short meeting which left me with plenty of opportunity to walk around the city. When I stumbled across a Mecca Bingo I decided that the time was right for a small game and, grabbing a dabber from the reception, took up a seat at a table alongside an elderly gentleman. During a break between games, he introduced himself to me as James. His Northern accent and brusque nature made me instantly feel like I had met a kindred spirit, and soon we were joking about the bingo hall, the calls, and indeed the city of Leicester itself, where it turned out James had lived all of his life. Turns out he’d spent a lot of his time around the various rugby teams of the city, playing himself for Aylestonians RFC as a younger man before he became involved behind the scenes as a scoreboard technician and eventually club secretary. As he reminisced about his time at the club I saw a sly twinkle in his eye that suggested there was much more to this elderly gentleman than met the eye. As the final numbers were called, with neither of us winners, I offered to take James for a drink in the pub across the way and, after some initial polite resistance, he agreed to accompany me. As I held the door open for him to walk out into the cool Leicester evening, he brushed his hairy knuckles against the back of my hand. At the time, I took the act as just a minor incident, and accidental contact, but within moment it revealed itself to be much more. Having reached the bottom of the steps outside the hall, James caught me around my waist and hauled me, struggling, behind the bins to the side of the building. I was completely shocked, not just at the aggression but at the sheer strength of this older man, which I reasoned must have been a by-product of his rugby playing days. James threw me forcibly to the ground, my head cracking against the paving and leaving me dizzy, so much so that for a moment I didn’t quite recognise what was happening to me, James pulling frantically at the waistband of my jeans and hauling them down to my ankles as I lay prone on the floor. He flipped me over there and then. Well I froze, didn’t I? And in that instant James thrust his manhood deep into my anus. The pain shot through me like the needle of a syringe or a vindaloo, and I was completely powerless to prevent this act of forced sodomy. I set my arms against the floor, grazing my elbows with every thrust, and tried my hardest to shut out the pain and low grunts of the man behind me, a man I had begun to consider as a good friend over our bonding in the bingo hall. Suddenly, to my left, I saw a slight movement in one of the rubbish bags that had been flung alongside the bins. I thought it maybe a fox or a squirrel, looking for scraps, but as I continued to watch it seemed like the whole bag was moving. A small slit appeared near the top of the bag and out from it came a spindly, bony hand, reaching around for more purchase on the black plastic. Slowly the bag split further and further until a tall, cloaked figure emerged, brushing off himself apple peelings and a Wispa wrapper, before plucking a damp teabag off his shoulder. I looked up at this figure and realised I was staring right at Death Himself. Certain that he was clean of any and all detritus from the bag, he turned and looked at me, surveying the situation before him, and looked right into my eyes. He opened his mouth – presumably, I mean the hood was so deep as to make sight of his face impossible – and, in a hail of spittle, shouted right at me ‘Rugby players. Motherfucking gay boys!’ And then he took off through the Leicester night, his cloak flapping behind him like Severus Snape, leaving behind the stench of half eaten bourbon biscuits. James climaxed in a series of noisy moans and left me there, my pants around my ankles, to clean myself up. I went to the station and endured an exceedingly uncomfortable train ride home. I hope he’s dead now.

    That’s all to say that this Borin’ Snorin’ Tourin’ Floorin’ Implorin’ Apple Corin’ Deplorin’ Motorin’ Ignorin’ Soarin’ Roarin’ Scorin’ Gorin’ Clawin’ Clamorin’ Furorin’ Chorin’ Unicornin’ Finn Balor match is less interesting than that story.

    The Revival lose. Imagine thinking we were all getting The Revival and then we ended up with The Mechanics. What a sad state of affairs.

    Sasha Banksonovic is watching herself lose to Asuka backstage. She dips her face into Bortsch and then comes up with a quite literal crimson mask. Her and Bayley have an awkward conversation.

    Tony Nese & Drew Gulak vs Mustafa Ali & Cedric Alexander

    Drake Maverick is a great name, isn’t it? Like an 80s action hero or something. That’s a nice thing to talk about.

    Kurty Angels says that the ladies in the women’s Elimination Chamber match are Bayley, Mandy Rose, Sonya Deville, Drunk Aunt, and Sasha Banksonovic. Darling Alexa is most displeased about being in a cage and accuses Kurty Angels of being a sexist. Honey, he’s a man. Have you met men?

    Asuka vs Bayley

    You know Asuka wins.

    I thought I was done with the nefawious Woman Weigns but now it appears I will have to beat him in the Elimination Chamber as well as in the normal wing. I can’t believe he is so omnipwesent in my life, I keep expecting to find him at my house washing my dishes!

    That’s vewy funny Miz! Imagine if Woman was your cleaner and had to hoover your house and wash up your cwockeryI I would laugh so much! I even had Elias wite a song about it. Elias, if you please…

    Certainly Mr Dallas, sir. I call this one ‘Laughing With The Miztourage’…'

    Not now Elias! I do not have time for your songs! Curtis is away this week – it appears he has gwown vewy close with his tutor as she is taking him to Kansas for the Junior Spelling Bee contest. His spelling has come on so well, so I have bought him a gift to have on his way, a simple signed photo of me.

    That’s so kind Miz! Curtis will surely appweciate that in his hotel woom when he is away fwom home. And now tonight you have to face Apollo Cwews to get into the Elimination Chamber. Are you at all wowwied?

    Wowwied? About Apollo Cwews? Oh Bo, you are a comedian! No, my qualification will be stwaightforward and then I will once again emerge victowious over that wascal Woman Weigns. I shall beat him up and hit him with my Skull Cwushing Finale! And then I shall go on to face Bwock Lesnar at Wwestlemania!

    What a wonderful plan!

    You pussies, can’t stop talking about me, can you?

    Fuck you Woman! You’re not even vewy good at wwestling!

    The Miz vs Apollo Crews

    The Miz wins, of course.

    Jangle has got a poorly neck so can’t be in the match tonight. It’s OK though, Roman is taking his place.

    Rollins & Reigns vs The Bar

    Inevitably, Jangle appears anyway and cost his team the tag team titles. That’s unfortunate.

    Nia Jax vs Vanessa Floyd


    Sonya Deville vs Mickie James

    This is going on a bit, isn’t it?

    Drunk Aunt totters out in her thigh high boots, slopping a martini everywhere. Her latest pool boy Diego forms a step for her to use to enter the ring. Then she falls, trips Sonya up, and wins by pinfall.

    Absolution beat up Drunk Aunt after the match, so Darling Alexa comes to the ring and saves her, turning face (?)

    Elias vs Big Braun vs Jern Cenaaaaaah

    Big Braun should win this but doesn’t.

    Elias does, via chicanery and cheekiness.

    Big Braun powerslams everyone to make the people happy.

    Rating – [IMG]Not enough sign pointing.[/IMG]

  31. #31
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    In fairness, you being raped is probably more significant than most wrestling matches.

    I keep thinking Nancy Sullivan is feuding with Miz.

  32. #32
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    I do that every week as I write it. It's very confusing.

    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown tonight is in Kansas. Famous people from Kansas include:

    - Dorothy
    - Toto
    - Dennis the Menace

    Regularly Occurring Shane is here, moaning about the fact he’s being a dickhead to Big Kev and Salmon. Backstage Daniel says he’s just trying to not be a dick. AJ interrupts and is all ‘eh la, I’m hardcore, I’ve been down the Wirral on a night and these two woollies haven’t got nothing on that, I’ll take ‘em both on, the meffs.’ So that’s settled, then.

    Livv Morgann vs Charlotte FLAIR

    Charlotte FLAIR wins because man, have you seen Livv Morgann try and wrestle?

    Afterwards she threatens the other two members of Thee Riott Squadd, threateningly.

    The Bludgeon Brothers vs Enhancement Talents

    Enhancement Talents is a really bad team name. One of them is called Mat Fitchett who is in a tag team with Davey Vega.

    They lose, of course.

    The Usos come out and stare, staringly. Then they do a rap about eating cheese. It’s good. Bet you didn’t think there were that many rhymes for camembert.

    Backstage Daniel is backstage, of course. He announces his fave five.

    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown Fave Five

    5. Rusev
    4. Rusev
    3. Rusev
    2. Rusev
    1. Rusev

    Bobby Roode vs Rusev

    It’s Rusev Day. Which is essentially just a day where Rusev loses but clearly has a groundswell of fan support.

    Afterwards Overexplainer Randall Keith Orton turns up and RKOs everyone. Outta nowhere! I don’t understand why.

    Shad Bable vs The Ascension

    Before this, Shad say they’re going to take out everyone else.

    They then take out The Ascension for a nice dinner and share a couple of bottles of merlot, which is jolly kind of them.

    Salmon vs Big Kev

    They all fight for a bit and then Salmon slaps AJ at ringside. AJ hits him and Big Kev so it’s a no contest.

    I bet that wasn’t just a plan to get the two best friends who have been friends forever but are now forced to fight a title match at all.

    Inevitably, Backstage Daniel makes the title match at Brrm Brrm Fast Lane a triple threat.

    Rating – More Rusev Please

  33. #33
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I like cheese. These Usos are alright with me.

    Orton RKOing a bunch of people fresher than him is stupid. Someone on Twitter called it Bad WCW and they weren't wrong. It's just Kevin Nash powerbombing the whole roster in 2000 or whatever.

  34. #34
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    389 miles from Sheepster
    I miss bear. I like Rusev. Enhancement talents would be a great tag team name or even a stable name. It would be so smarky and self deprecating that it would be great.

    Where’s Dolph?

  35. #35
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    We all miss 'Bear. But he's OK. He has a cub now.

    Dolph unfortunately died on his way back to his home planet.

  36. #36
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver View Post
    Dolph unfortunately died on his way back to his home planet.

  37. #37
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014

    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    What a wonderful occuwence! We’re starting Waw live all together as a twio! Curtis has weturned, he says he spent a vewy lovely week away with Gertwude his tutor. She showed him some vewy good new twicks with a cucumber, which he’s pwomised to wepwoduce for us later.

    Wow Miz, cucumber is such a delicious and wefweshing tweat, it’s mostly water and vewy hydwating. Elias, I think you have wwitten a song about cucumber, haven’t you?

    I have indeed Mr Dallas, sir. I call this one ‘Hydrating With The Miztourage’…'

    Be quiet Elias! Your songs have no place in the middle of this vewy sewious opening segment. Now, I understand that the nefawious wascal Woman Weigns has been moved well away fwom us tonight courtesy of the westwaining order we have taken out. Oh, I did laugh when I saw his face confwonted with the police! He will not be causing us bother again any time soon!

    Roman funny. Roman mad. Roman stompy.

    That’s wight Curtis! He stomped his feet like a toddler thwowing a tantwum! It was most humourous. But now it seems we have to talk to someone who I like even less than Woman Weigns – John Cena!

    What a little git he is Miz! I see right thwough his multicoloured costumes and his wwistbands. He doesn’t fool me, oh no. He’ll pwobably come out here and be all sewious and say ‘jack’ a lot!

    ‘Well Jack, you ain’t got Jack on me Jack! You ain’t even fit to hold my jock, Jack! Jack and Jill, Jack O’Lantern, Jack of all trades Jack! Jack off.’

    Litewally none of us are call Jack, Mr Cena. Now, if you would do me the kind favour of letting me punch you in the face with my fuwious fists!

    That’s right crew, tonight’s Raw opens with old people talking. John Cena demands a match with The Miz where the loser enters the Elimination Chamber first. The Miztourage beats him down and then Miz accepts.

    Before they can start, Kurty Angels appears and says that’s not the way they’re going to start Raw. He then calls for a referee so the match can start Raw.

    Very confusing.

    The Miz vs John Cena

    John Cena’s old and his body is falling apart, so he has to hit a top rope Attitude Adjustment to win.

    ‘Ahhhhaahahahahaha yeeeees, you see once I get into the chamber of eliminayshun, it will not be a simple matter of emerging victorious. I weel teach everyone there about the immorality of the action of the Oxfam staff in hurricane hit Haiti, yeeees, and then everyone will be officially WOKEN, ahahahahahahahhhahahashsahash. The chamber of eliminayshun will become the chamber of DELESHUN!

    Deletion is literally just a synonym for elimination, Matt.

    The Revival vs The Club

    The Revival win. That’s nice, isn’t it?

    Kurty Angels says that soon Ronda Rousey will have had a month or so off so it’ll be time for her to appear again. She’ll be at the Elimination Chamber.

    Seth Rollins says he wants the show to be Monday Night RAWlins instead and asks to be in the Fatal Four Way match tonight. Kurty says that would be most unfair, which isn’t unreasonable, but then lets him do it anyway.

    He’s not very good at making decisions and sticking to them, is he?

    Bayley vs Sasha Banksonovic

    This is a friendly competition match. The winner is whoever can be the best friend to the other. Sasha enters, furiously spitting the skin of a vodka soaked potato out of her mouth. ‘What do you think you are doing?’ she screams at Bayley, her thick Russian accent bursting through her deeply rolled ‘r’s. ‘You can not simply believe these stupid Americans. They do not want friendly competition, they thirst only for the blood of competitor. Your blood shall run tonight like the river of Bortsch from a ransacked Crimean restaurant! And all shall bow in the presence of Putin!

    Sasha loses. Then Nia Jax turns up, beats them both down, and stands tall with her tiny baby voice.

    Alexa Bliss meets Drunk Aunt backstage. He pool boy, Carlo, is handcuffed to a radiator and she’s sitting on his head, like a delicately perched hat, as she sups on a gin and tonic. They both agree that all men are sexist pigs then promise to beat up Absolution

    Sonya Deville & Mandy Rose vs Mickie James & Alexa Bliss

    They all have a jolly good dance to that new Bruno Mars song, before Darling Alexa lectures them on the basics of the patriarchal system. ‘Even the word ‘women’ is inherently tied down to the patriarchy as it ends with ‘-men’,’ she scorns, ‘so it is on us ladies to take back the word and create it as our own. That’s why I’m proposing we change it to ‘womin’. It’s better phonetically anyway.

    Everyone nods in agreement.

    Elias tries to sing a song, but American Hero Braun Strowman interrupts him and attacks him with a double bass. An actual double bass. Heroic.

    Sheamus vs Roman Reigns

    The great thing about these two guys is that they like to beat the piss out of their opponents and are at their best when getting the piss beaten out of them by their opponent. So this is good.

    Roman wins, duh. This means he’s now involved in a tag team feud with them both, because that’s how Raw’s booking works.

    Bray Wyatt vs Matt Hardy vs Apollo Crews vs Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins

    They wrestle for a while, point at the sign, and then Bray Wyatt’s career becomes so pathetic that he’s the first man to ever lose a one fall match twice.

    Finn and Seth both pin him. They argue about it for a while.

    Turns out they’re both the sixth person to enter the chamber. They’ll be competing tied together, like in a three-legged race.

    Rating – Point at the sign more

  38. #38
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Imagine Miz running the Chamber start to finish. Fantastic.

  39. #39
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    389 miles from Sheepster
    Imagine Elias winning without doing any work then beating Brock with a rollup. Fantastic.

  40. #40
    I beat up Kong! Powder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by mizfan View Post
    Imagine Miz running the Chamber start to finish. Fantastic.
    Would love it, but the WWE still will not let the Miz. Eat Cena, even on a RAW.

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