May 24th 1999 6:51pm
“Look Dustin, we’ve got to talk.”
“Jimbo! Eh Fuck off hahaha just kidding man, what’s shakin besides your big man tits hahahahaha *Vince Vaughn laugh*”
“This is exactly what I’m talking about; you’re getting out of control here!”
“YOU DON’T KNOW JR! YOU AINT GOT THE ANSWER JIM! YOU AINT GOT THE ANSWERS; YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOIN’ THE EDUCATION JIM!”
“I know for a fact that nobody here in this lockeroom, hell in this business, is an angel; I’ve seen plenty of men snort, smoke, inject, anally insert their way to get by and you’re no different. But you don’t quite know how to handle it Dustin and it shows man. You’ve been really sloppy, both on the mat and cutting a promo; you seem greener than my 6 months old shit instead of the 8 + year veteran that you are; a great fucking hand if we’re being frank. You almost broke Monty’s neck on a simple hip toss Dustin; I couldn’t believe when I seen it. I can’t put into words having to do this but...”
“Spit it out Tits McGee I’m not a goddamn psychic, you firing me chubby? Fuck it fire me.”
“I’m sorry Dustin, but I’m going to have to terminate your contract.
Look, here’s the number to a great rehab center; sign up and I’ll put it on the companies tab; I’ll just tell Vince it was Shane going on another bender. Dustin, please seek help.”
“Your kindness speaks volumes to me Jim, it touches me down to the soul I thought I no longer had. I think I will seek help. Can you pass me that crowbar?”
“Sure, what for Dustin?”
“Cause how else am I gonna get your fat ass wife to hold her cheeks open as I let me and my pets ram that anus. Hahahaha fuck you Jim, I need help? You need more than I do, so help yourself to this diiick hahaha, fat boy.”
*flicks JR titty*
April 11th 1999 2:34PM
“Hey Dustin HOW ARE YOU?!”
“Um, what’s going on Eric?”
“Listen, I heard those turds up North terminated your contract, and that sucks. How about you come back and work for us; I’m in town on business, we can meet up and work something out.”
“That’s fine, let’s make it 6.”
“I’ll be around 44 North Redway and Southern BLVD, see you there.”
A STRIP CLUB?”
“WHAT? I THOUGHT WE WOULD CONDUCT BUSINESS IN A PLACE BY MEN FOR MEN. WHAT, ARE YOU GAY?!”
“NO, NO I JUST… NEVERMIND! SO WHAT YOU PLANNED?”
“WELL EVER SEEN...NEVERMIND YOU HAVEN’T. UM, I’LL JUST SHOW YOU A CONCEPT I HAD MY WIFE DRAW FOR THE CHARACTER.”
“AMAZING ISN’T IT?!”
“YEAH; AMAZINGLY CREEPY! THIS LOOKS LIKE A CONCEPT FOR A CHILD ABDUCTOR GIMMICK ERIC; I’M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THIS MAN!”
“C’MON DUSTIN; FOR A GUY WHO PLAYED A HOMOSEXUAL STALKER RAPIST YOU SURE ARE CLOSED MINDED! OH AND WHERE ARE MY MANNERS; WANT SOME COKE?!”
“NO THANKS I’M… I’LL PASS, THANKS THOUGH! NOW THE CHARACTER, DO YOU EVEN HAVE A NAME?!”
“YEAH; YOUR GUY IS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME SORT OF BIBLICAL DOODAD SO YOU KNOW...SEVEN DEADLY SINS OR WHATEVER. OH AND THIS WILL BE YOUR 7TH GIMMICK SINCE YOU WERE GOLDUST!
SO DO WE HAVE A DEAL OR WHAT?!”
“...YEAH I GUESS; I’M ALMOST OUT OF MY WWF MONEY SO I DON’T THINK I HAVE A CHOICE!
YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL HAVE SOME OF THAT COKE!”
MAY 15th 1999 9:49PM
“MAN WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!”
“Look Dustin, calm down. I’m sure it came off good on tv, which is what’s more important.”
“WHAT?! Eric I look like a child abductor and ...the fuckin harness?! C’mon man!”
“Rome wasn’t built in a day Dustin, relax. Look, we’re kicking their ass, I invented the nWo… there’s cocaine; believe in me Dustin!”
March 21 2001 3:45PM
“”Hey Dustin get ova hea.”
“What the hell do you want Vince?”
“Look I kno you’ve heard tha rumahs, and yes; the WWF have bought WCW and all of its shit. You can sit out, collect ya paycheck or let them buy yew out for less and wrestle or do whateva it is you do; I don’t care, just givin ya a heads up.”
“You know, for a prick you aren’t such a bad guy Vince.”
May 12th 7:50 PM
“Well, it’s official; they’ve got nothing for either one of us huh?”
“Who you tellin’ my nigga? I should’ve just sat out my contract, on some real shit.”
I mean, in all seriousness, what in the fuck was Kevin and Vince thinkingin pairing us up? I’m billed from Harlem. you’re a weird freakazoid nigga; how is this supposed to fucking work?!”
“I thought the Seven gimmick was the worst thing I’ve done but--”
“Actually dawg, Blue Dust was the worst thing you’ve ever done.”
“Ok so I thought Blue Dust was the worst thing I’ve ever done as far as gimmicks go but Jesus this might take it’s spot; they’re just setting us up for failure!”
“You’re right dawg. We’ve gotta do somethin about this shit.”
“Can’t you call Al Sharpton or Jessie Jackson or one of your influential ‘brothas’?”
“Man… those two are out there protesting wrongful injustices and deaths in the black community; they ain’t got no time for this small shit dawg.”
“Exactly! They will have no problem with this since it falls in line with their MO!”
“What death dawg?”
“Your careers if you go through with this shit man!”
“You know what? Maybe this ISN’T so bad.”
“You right dawg. You ready then?”
“Not really, but let’s go through with it anyway.”
December 24th 12:45PM
“Dustin, come in, come in.”
“Jim, how goes it brother?”
“I’m doing rather ok Dustin. Now, I’ve brought you in here to discuss something of importance.”
“Really, you brought me here? I thought you got wind that I needed to talk to YOU.”
“Well ain’t that bird in a bush?”
“We both know your contract is coming up, and had you asked me back in July, I would have said it was a certainty that we would resign to another extension, but the last few months you’ve just been… well…”
“Well I’m glad we both see the forest for the trees here Jim. I’ve been bored with the stuff you’ve given me to do; and quite frankly, I never thought there’d be a day where I thought I would get bored playing Goldust.
I need a break.”
“Agreed. Wow that went a lot less painful than I thought it was going to be. Before you go, just know the door is wide open for you to come back, Dustin.”
“Thank you Jim; I’m sure I will be seeing you again.”
*lovingly flicks JRs titty
June 12 2006 6:34PM
“Ok Dustin, before we all head out, I need to go over the parameters of your meet n greet tomorrow. It’s at a K Mart in Paladico Mall in Orlando, so there are going to be kids there so please, language.”
“Ok Paul, got it.”
“Second, you have to be at the hotel by 8 am and the MNG is at 3 pm, so make sure to get your sleep because I know how you are on lack of rest. Last, the banner is going to be billed as ‘Matt and Jeff Hardy with a special guest appearance by Goldust.’ Don’t get mad and all butthurt, it’s a loophole around Floridian tax laws.”
“Thanks for the heads up Paul. I better get a move on then.”
“By the way Dustin, not like my opinion matters or will ever matter but it’s been great to have you back.”
“Shit man it feels good to be back home. I know I'm on a short leash but this time it feels like I'm here to stay; See you soon.”
“Heeyyy Matt, Jeff, you guys ready for your autograph signing tomorrow?”
“We’d be more excited if we were allowed to sneak off to a strip club afterwards, I mean we WILL BE in Houston after all!”
“Man go right ahead, just don’t make a big scene.”
Hey where’s Dustin, I thought he’s going to be there with us?”
“Oh don’t worry; he just caught
'an early flight'."
Seriously. Fuck cancer.
Seven. Goddamn. Just... goddamn.
Looking forward to Black Reign. First time that's ever been said, I think.
Shoes. Cocks. Ballsacks.
Hearts, Joey Sperms.
I have a show. It's neat and stuff.
Click to find the Late Shift archives.
These are my favorite things I ever read from you, Unc. The history mixed with the probably all-too-realistic dialogue... damn. Really enjoying this.
For the record, most white dudes dance pretty similarly to what Jeff's doing up there ^; myself included.
I'm prepared to be either blown away or completely miffed by the later editions. Don't let me down!
The Underage Pessimist
Really liking this series, keep 'em coming. Just a little more Trips bashing in the next pieces!