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Thread: The Eternal Optimist Becomes The Perturbed Pessimist - Worst Wrestlemania Ever?

  1. #1
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    Nov 2015

    The Eternal Optimist Becomes The Perturbed Pessimist - Worst Wrestlemania Ever?

    Hi all. I’ve been dormant for a while and with good reason. It takes an awful lot to sour me on the wonderful world of professional wrestling. Unfortunately, we are there.

    Simply put, Wrestlemania 33 is gutter trash. It’s the worst show on paper that I’ve ever seen. I absolutely abhor every single match on the card. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t fathom how they managed to screw this up so badly. Seriously, it takes tremendous talent to not get a single thing right. My mind is blown.

    Without further ado, allow me to tell you why I hate every single match on this card.

    Why it Sucks: John Cena/Nikki Bella v The Miz/Maryse.

    This is as good of a place to start as any. John Cena is on the Mount Rushmore of wrestling and THIS is what he gets saddled with at Wrestlemania? He’s not facing AJ Styles for the world title. He’s not squaring off against The Undertaker in a never before seen battle of legends. He’s in a freaking mixed tag match with his girlfriend.

    I don’t get it. John Cena is an absolute boss at Wrestlemania. He’s a guy that you build a major program around and allow it to help carry the biggest show of the year. This is far from that. It’s bad enough that he’s involved in this mess, but he’s not even the focus of the feud. Let me say this again. John Cena is sideshow fodder to a Total Divas’ storyline. Even the most ardent anti-Cena fan could never have imagined that he’d be a completely piece to an equally irrelevant storyline at Wrestlemania. It shocks the conscience.

    To top it all off, this disaster is going to completely derail the Miz’s momentum. He’s been on fire for the last year plus. He deserved a big Wrestlemania program that would springboard him onto bigger and better things. Instead, he and his wife are doing the job and getting absolutely buried. Welcome back to mid card purgatory.

    Why it Sucks: American Alpha v The Usos.

    How did the WWE manage to screw this up so badly? The Usos have been over forever. They were a popular face tag team that started to draw nuclear heel heat as a result of their affiliation with Roman Reigns. American Alpha came onto Smackdown with all of the momentum in the world. They were getting massive pops. What could possibly go wrong?

    Here’s what went wrong. The WWE couldn’t leave well enough alone. They had the Usos viciously beat down AA and cost them their spot in the Smackdown tag team championship tournament. This made perfect sense. You have the Usos win the tag titles, let AA chase them for a while, and put AA over at Wrestlemania. Instead? They had AA win the belts a short time later, and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING with them. They wrestled jobber team after jobber team. They were directionless. People stopped caring.

    The WWE neglected AA, The Usos and the entire division for months. It’s no surprise that when they gave a non-title match away for free this week between the two teams, absolutely no one cared. The Usos won and it doesn’t matter. There is absolutely zero interest in seeing this match now. It’s not even pre-show worthy. The WWE took a can’t miss angle that could have been a solid addition to the Wrestlemania card and turned it into an absolute abomination. Unfortunately, that is par for the course.

    Why it Sucks: Chris Jericho v Kevin Owens.

    Once upon a time, the WWE had a mantra of putting the biggest match with the most fan interest in the Wrestlemania main event for the world title. It was a time tested formula that always worked. This year, that match was Chris Jericho v Kevin Owens. KO has excelled as a heel world champion and their friendship was the best thing going on television. The seeds were planted for a breakup, and when it finally came during the “Festival of Friendship”, it was glorious. It was one of the best segments in the history of Monday Night Raw.

    So how do they follow it up? Surely with the world title match at Wrestlemania right? WRONG! They jobbed KO to a geriatric (more on that later). Now, we get Kevin Owens v Chris Jericho, the best storyline of the year…..for the United States Title? The WWE took the most over storyline, a Wrestlemania main event level feud, and turned it into a lower card match revolving around a title belt that no one cares about anymore.

    If this situation isn’t a microcosm of the bigger picture problems that the WWE and their current mantra have, I don’t know what is. How are you expected to create new stars, ie Kevin Owens, when you aren’t willing to push them to the moon during the show in which the most fans will be watching? It’s ridiculous….ridiculous I tell you!

    Why it Sucks: The Smackdown Divas’ Invitational.

    Nothing screams lazy booking like including every female on the roster in a cluster f*ck of a match without clearly defined rules. Seriously, what is going on here? Are they even trying? Here’s another division that the WWE completely derailed for absolutely no reason.

    Up until a month ago, The Smackdown Womens’ division was thriving. They had an unprecedented three womens’ matches on their last brand exclusive Pay Per View. Unbelievably bad short term booking saw creative blow off all three feuds that night. When you end all storylines weeks prior to the biggest show of the year, how do you expect to put a compelling story out there for Wrestlemania? You can’t do it, and that’s how we ended up with this mess.

    This could have been about Becky Lynch’s redemption and return to the top. This could have been about Mickie James snapping and turning on Alexa Bliss. Instead, we’ll get ugly brawling, a few nostalgia women of recent past, and not a lot of anything else. Once again, the division’s representation at Wrestlemania falls far short of what it could and should have been.

    Why it Sucks: Triple H v Seth Rollins

    This storyline should have worked. Seth Rollins was a modern day corporate champion. He was Triple H’s handpicked guy to be the future of the business. After such a long reign of dominance, you knew that the breakup was coming. An eventual Seth Rollins v Triple H match at Wrestlemania seemed like a foregone conclusion and a can’t-miss classic.

    There were always problems with this though. Seth Rollins isn’t a face. Everything about him screams heel. He’s not believable as the anti-authority figure. A face turn was probably not going to work at this stage in his career. Even worse, the WWE inexplicably had Triple H turn on Rollins. That’s now how this storyline works. The employee rebels against the evil boss and turns face as a result. The evil boss doesn’t cast the employee aside.

    That’s exactly what happened here. The WWE asked the fans to cheer for Seth Rollins without giving us a reason to cheer for him. He acted like the same whiny heelish character as always, but now we were supposed to cheer for him? It didn’t and still doesn’t make any sense. Furthermore, they didn’t strike while the iron was hot. This storyline sat dormant for months and has only picked back up as of late. Having a heel boss that fans want to boo against an uncomfortable baby-face that fans want to boo is a recipe for disaster. Good luck making this one work.

    Why it Sucks: The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal.

    I am certain that everyone reading this will agree with me on this one. This gimmick has had three attempts and only been entertaining once. The action in the ring is terrible. The winner has never gone on to bigger and better things. This match is used as the big bucket of doo doo by which every jobber not good enough to be in a real Wrestlemania storyline gets deposited into.

    This year is no exception. The majority of the participants will be ill-fated cruiserweights, low end tag teams, and Dolph Ziggler. It doesn’t get any worse than that. This year promises to be the worst rendition of the battle royal yet. At least in previous years, there was intrigue as to who could win. This year, it’s Braun Strowmann, and ONLY Braun Strowmann. Yawn.

    Seriously, it’s time to Old Yeller this gimmick and put it out of its misery. Andre the Giant was an iconic legend and doesn’t deserve his name to be associated with such filth. If you want to honor him, name a Slammy Award in his honor for the best “big man” of the year. Please don’t keep trotting this turd of a gimmick out there. I’m begging you. JUST STOP IT.

    Why it Sucks: Dean Ambrose v Baron Corbin.

    Dean Ambrose is the poster child for the internet wrestling community. It’s a shame that he’s terrible. Every time he’s on my television, I not only want to turn it off, but through it through a window and into oncoming traffic. Seriously, he makes me want to punch small animals and harm children.

    I really don’t understand the obsession here people. Ambrose is a mediocre in-ring wrestling, has a terrible look, and his promos come off as quirky rather than believable as a big-time player. His ceiling is so low that a circus midget would bump his head on it. In my mind, he should only be used as enhancement talent.

    Baron Corbin is a guy with serious potential. He’s got size, a great look, is vastly improving in the ring, and can cut a decent promo. There is potential to make money with him. He should absolutely be going over here. Unfortunately, he’s absolutely dominating this feud, and will be laying down for Dean at Mania. Who cares if Dean sucks right….we’ve got to keep the delusional fanboys happy. Excuse me while I go barf into a pillow case.

    Why it Sucks: Shane McMahon v A.J. Styles.

    A.J. Styles is a f*cking national treasure. He’s the total package. He is without a doubt the best overall performer in wrestling today. It goes without saying that he’s in a headlining match for The Smackdown World Title, right?

    Wait a minute, he’s not fighting for the world title at Wrestlemania? Ok, so they had him drop his title to put him in a killer storyline with Shinsuke Nakamura, Samoa Joe, or Finn Balor then….right? The WWE definitely paired him up with someone to maximize his vast and unique talents….right?

    Shane McMahon? A non-wrestling dinosaur? How is AJ supposed to work with that pile of garbage. A.J. is a technical wizard in the ring. He needs to be put in there with someone who can match him step for step. Shane McMahon is good for kicking, punching, taking a beating, and falling off tall objects. This isn’t going to work. How could the WWE have treated AJ so badly? I just can’t comprehend. TNA would have booked him better. What a travesty.

    Why it Sucks: Neville v Austin Aries

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no one cares about the cruiserweights and their non-existent personalities. The only thing that the fans want to see as it relates to the cruiserweights are high speed/high intensity matches with badass moves. Just keep doing the Cruiserweight Classic over and over again. Rinse and repeat and you’ve got a winning concept.

    Instead, we get promos, gimmicks and attempts at personality. Neville and Austin Aries are no worse than any of the other cruiserweights, but it’s simply not what we want to see.

    There was an easy solution here that would have been a home run. You have a ton of able bodied cruiserweights without a storyline. There is a multi-man ladder match for a title at every Wrestlemania that often steals the show. Throw the top 6-8 guys in a ladder match for the strap and let them fly around the ring like a whoopee cushion after you let the farts out of it. Neville v Aries in a 1 on 1 match personifies everything that is wrong with the division.

    Why it Sucks: The Undertaker v Roman Reigns.

    ANYBODY BUT YOU ROMAN….ANYBODY BUT YOU. It makes me sick to my stomach that what may potentially be his last hurrah, the Undertaker is really going to lay down for a guy that absolutely NO ONE wants to see in this spot. The Roman Reigns experiment is a colossal failure. Instead of realizing their mistake, the WWE has doubled down on him. He gets booed out of the building every night, yet the WWE brass wants to continue to strap the rocket ship on him like he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.

    Some of you may be holding onto hope that Wrestlemania is still a place where The Undertaker isn’t likely to lose. That ship has sailed. You are out of your damn mind if you think that this match is ending any way other than with The Undertaker looking up at the lights while Super Roman reigns victorious. The WWE now wants to push the narrative of “this is Roman Reigns’ yard now”. If that doesn’t scream, “young lion kills old lion and replaces him”, I don’t know what does.

    The suits in the WWE continue to force us to eat $hit sandwiches when it comes to Roman Reigns, and I’m sick of it. The Undertaker’s Wrestlemania dominance is sacred and it’s about to get steamrolled just so that the WWE can cater to its perceived poster child for the future. No thank you.

    Why it Sucks: The Bullet Club v Sheamus/Cesaro v The Realest Guys in the Room.

    I don’t care what The Bullet Club did in Japan. I really don’t. Absolutely terrible wrestlers and gimmicks have gotten over massively in Japan for absolutely no reason at all. The Bullet Club are one of the most boring tag teams I’ve ever seen. They are so bland it’s nauseating. Watching them wrestle or talk is like watching paint dry.

    On the other hand, The New Day is incredibly entertaining. Wrestlemania 33 would have been a perfect place to end the longest reigning tag title run in history. Instead, the tag titles were peeled off them and have been passed around ever since. Enzo and Cass are wildly popular. A great program would have been The New Day put them over in a meaningful and important way.

    No matter how popular The Realest Guys in the Room might be, winning the tag team titles off a team that nobody cares about doesn’t mean anything. The biggest problem that the WWE has is their inability to build new stars. Here’s yet another missed opportunity to make two guys that are over seem like an incredibly big deal. It’s ok though, we get to see The New Day talk about Ice Cream Bars and BootyO’s as hosts of Wrestlemania. That’s almost the same thing isn’t it?

    Why it Sucks: Bray Wyatt v Randy Orton.

    Repeat after me. Randy Orton is not a main event attraction in 2017. I said, repeat after me. Randy Orton is NOT a main event attraction in 2017. Randy Orton couldn’t draw vultures to a rotting corpse. It was assanine to have him win this year’s Royal Rumble. There was no rhyme or reason for it at all.

    I love Bray Wyatt as much as the next guy, but his crowning moment felt empty to me. There wasn’t any buildup to it at all. He was just hanging around for a months. One day he’s irrelevant, the next he’s world champion? That doesn’t work for me.

    Randy Orton v Bray Wyatt is an undercard match posing as a Wrestlemania main event. They could have at least made it a little more interesting by adding Luke Harper and turning this into a Wyatt Family Triple Threat match. God help us all if Orton goes over here. God help us all.

    Why it Sucks: Bayley v Sasha Banks v Charlotte.

    Can this division get any more stale? No matter how many different wrinkles and disguises that the WWE attempts to put on this, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re getting the same two or three matches over and over and over again. It’s ok, it’s not repetitive at all!

    I’m completely sick of seeing Sasha Banks v Bayley, Sasha Banks v Charlotte, and Charlotte v Bayley. They have run all three of these matchups into the ground. The WWE already ran through the good storyline here – Bayley’s underdog story and rise to become an improbable champion. They didn’t have anywhere else to go with the division so they gave that away for free on Monday Night Raw.

    Speaking of Bayley, I just don’t see the appeal. She’s not athletic, not good in the ring, and can’t cut a promo. She tries really hard. That’s her schtick. It bores the hell out of me. She’s the female Dean Ambrose to me. She probably keeps the title here to validate the legitimacy of her reign, and I will continue to be unable to care any less.

    Why it Sucks: Goldberg v Brock Lesnar.

    Last but certainly not least! I’ve already gone into detail regarding the absolute travesty that was Kevin Owens jobbing his Universal Title away to Goldberg. We had our Wrestlemania main event stolen from us. Instead, we get to see two senior citizens square off in the epic rematch that no one was clamoring for.

    I never thought that I’d see a day where something replaced Hulk Hogan v Sid at Wrestlemania 8 as the worst Wrestlemania main event of all time. I think that we might just be there. I had the “privilege” of attending Wrestlemania 20 and seeing their first encounter live and in the flesh. Trust me when I say this, it was every bit as terrible as people remember it to be.

    Fast forward thirteen years. Goldberg is old and brittle. He couldn’t work then, and he sure as hell can’t work now. Brock Lesnar is the absolute worst opponent to try to carry him through a match. Not only is Brock’s style incredibly physical, but he’s been mailing it in as of late. He doesn’t do much in the ring besides suplex people and stand around. I strongly doubt Goldberg’s ability to even take one of Lesnar’s suplexes given his age and failing health. Seriously, how does this match even make it past the six minute mark? It’s an absolute embarrassment that this is our main event this year.


    I think I’ve made my feelings as clear as day. This Wrestlemania is atrocious. Everything about it sucks.

    It’s a complete embarrassment. Shameful in fact.

    Of course, I could just be screwing with everyone.

    Being The Eternal Optimist, maybe I think this is the best built Wrestlemania of all time.

    I’ll let you guys decide that one for yourselves.
    Last edited by david.fenichel; 03-15-2017 at 11:20 PM.

  2. #2
    Goldberg Rules!
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    West Saint Paul, MN
    I love this WrestleMania card. I love Goldberg. I love Roman Reigns. I love Baron Corbin.

    I do hate Dean Ambrose, though.

  3. #3
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Dang, that's a lot of sucking. Can't blame anyone for being less than thrilled about this 'Mania card though, it does seem to be riddled with flaws. Unless of course you do secretly love it, in which case... more power to you? I'll probably give it a skip this year, which is a switch from past years where I would at least check out a couple matches. Ah well, so it goes.

    Oh, and I think Cena is going to propose to Nikki after the match, so... yay, I guess?

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I get that feeling, also, Mizzie.

  5. #5
    What else is on? JSR-13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Higher Definition
    David, David, David.

    Could you even type this thing with a straight face?

    You sir, are a troll. What's next? You're gonna block Dora and Boots from crossing your bridge until my kids help them to answer a riddle?

    Nice try, buddy.

  6. #6
    Wet Dream Machine SkitZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Goldberg reminds me an awful lot of those crappy, first gen action figures that would fall apart easily. That being said, I hope Lesnar rips his head off at WrestleMania.

    This is the kinda column that suits the Main Page audience. If only Tito would post some shit like this once in awhile.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    T.O. - Me too. It's the best built card in recent memory, maybe ever.

    Miz - I feel like WrestleMania is never your cup of tea. Thanks for taking the time to read though.

    Skits - Thanks! I hear that my writing style tends to work for the main page, but I could never put out a solid and consistent product the way that the main pagers do. It's really incredible.

    JSR - I was wondering which of my "regular" readers would catch on first. Congratulations

  8. #8
    Weed General D.O.N's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Damn, man. If a reader who was easily swayed by suggestion read this column he would probably not even consider watching this Wrestlemania. It was obvious that this was a troll, but you wrote it in such a way that you were able to keep people guessing for that. I have a feeling this 'Mania will be blowing people's expectations out of the water.

  9. #9
    Well played Sir, you almost fooled me.

  10. #10
    What else is on? JSR-13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Higher Definition
    To what DON said- you did mix in a lot of your real opinions (not liking Bayley or Dean, Cena being wasted in the mixed tag) to throw us off, but you basically blew your own cover when we heard the sound of giggling like a tickled three year old as soon as you clicked "submit post."

    Again I say- nice try.

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