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Thread: Bearly Reviewing: 2017

  1. #321
    Wet Dream Machine SkitZ's Avatar
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    Sep 2013
    This has to be one of those rare instances where someone gets pulled from a PPV title match and people are way happier with the replacement (which will surely be Sasha... right?). Aside from Braun's weekly awesomeness, Seth and Dean's love/hate relationship is the only aspect of RAW that interests me at the moment. Tough break for The Revival who's main roster run thus far has been plagued by injury. You've gotta feel for Dash & Dawson given what they accomplished in NXT and how things have unraveled since April. So far, their promotion seems like more of a curse than a reward.

    I haven't watched RAW yet. About to Hulu that shit right now.

  2. #322
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
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    Sep 2013
    I may have a new favourite GIF, that is pretty fucking funny.

    I am currently confused about both SummerSlam and NXT Brooklyn, the cards keep changing and I don't know how to write about a match that is going to change.

    Raw didn't seem bad this week, too long but not bad. I feel that describes most Raws as of late.

  3. #323
    Weed General D.O.N's Avatar
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    Mar 2016
    I don't care how but I'm still happy Braun keeps owning Roman. Not because I've got a problem with Reigns but I'm a huge fan of Braun. Its been way too long since WWE had an interesting monster and its going to be a long time before they get another one

  4. #324
    I can't see the GIF anymore but I'm assuming it's of Braun murdering a chair with Roman's face. I was kind of hoping he dragged Dana's dead carcass out of the back and threw her at him.

  5. #325
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    Quote Originally Posted by TripleR View Post
    I can't see the GIF anymore but I'm assuming it's of Braun murdering a chair with Roman's face. I was kind of hoping he dragged Dana's dead carcass out of the back and threw her at him.
    Oh yes, that's what it was. A delightful moment in time.

  6. #326
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    My best friend in the whole world ‘Bear has been detained due to some ILLEGAL and IMMORAL actions carried out by our enemies against him. Fear not, loyal readers, he will return with FIRE and FURY. I can’t believe enemies of this fine column are believing #FakeNews that we are struggling. Readership is up, views are up, and response is through the roof as our mailbag shows. So many want to bring us down but we are STRONGER and more POWERFUL than ever before. SAD!

    Smackdown is filmed in front of a live Canadian audience. They’re still bitter about Shawn Michaels telling Bret to go and eat a bag of dicks once.

    Mr Nikki Bella kicks us off by not giving a shit about losing. Baron Boring interrupts.

    ’Hey…hey John. Guess what I’ve got in my briefcase this week? Check this out. It’s a lady…and she’s not wearing many clothes! You can see where she shaves! Her boobies are nearly falling out!’

    ’Well, er, that’s just great kid. Say, you’re not a very entertaining or popular wrestler, are you?’

    ’That’s unfair! You’re a meanie! I’ve got friends! They just…they don’t go here, that’s all! They’re from my old town! Anyway, now people will be my friend because I have saucy pictures.’

    ’I’m sure they will youngster. Hey, would you like to wrestle me, the popular jock John Cena who gets the chicks with the biggest tits and doesn’t really give a shit?’

    ’Oh wow! It would be an honour John, just to be in the ring with you is a privilege!’

    'Well you’re on Jack!’

    ’That’s not…my name’s Baron…’

    The Usos vs Tye Dillinger and Sami Zayn

    Uh huh, uh huh, we’re gonna beat ya down,
    Uh huh, uh huh, we’re gonna make ya frown,
    Uh huh, uh huh, we’re gonna wear a crown,
    Uh huh, uh huh, we’re gonna turn ya round.

    Team Canada takes the loss because all Canadians are losers.

    Your friends and mine The New Day triple team The Usos like they’re Paige once the match is over.

    Everyone gets excited by the new Fashion Peaks which is rather good. Arn Anderson destroyed Tully the Hobby Horse because it wasn’t called Arn.

    Concept: Arn becomes the J.J. Dillon behind a new Four Horsemen. Chad Gable is Tully. Breezango are the Andersons. AJ Styles is Flair.

    Charlotte FLAIR vs Lana

    Lana’s record moves to, like 0-12 or whatever. Because obviously. Does Chaz FLAIR have anything to do at SummerFest?

    Regularly Occurring Shane says he’s really happy to be a referee. Kevin Owens is unhappy about that, and also merks the Canadian crowd about the screwjob. AJ appears, inevitably. ‘Oi la, ya can bid all ya like, we’re not selling Coutinho to no woolybacks. Now as for ya auld fellas, I ain’t got time for ya, I’m off out for some scran before it gets chocka at The Asda.’ ROS ends up getting kicked in the face for being in the way of the big boys.

    Carmella vs Naomi

    *Insert name of challenger* has pinned *insert name of champion*, as ever. The No Chinned Tit has returned.

    Natalya, who is the daughter of Jim Neidhart if you didn’t know, tells Carmella to bog off.

    Shinsuke Nakamura is very confident about winning at SummerFest.

    Randy Orton vs Jinder Mahal

    It’s non-title, Jinder has no friends with him, so Randy gets his win back to make him look like shit.

    Rusev kicks the fake tan off of Orton to end the show.

    Rating –I need a lie down
    Last edited by Oliver; 08-10-2017 at 01:04 PM.

  7. #327
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
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    Sep 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver View Post
    My best friend in the whole world ‘Bear has been detained due to some ILLEGAL and IMMORAL actions carried out by our enemies against him.
    Damnit, what are Ayatollah and Mizfan up to this time, they just can't let go the time you guys killed them on DOA, even though they already killed you on that desert planet. I pray for a swift return or rescue mission.

    It is a shame that the GIF of Roman getting hit by the chair is gone. It was pretty fucking funny.

  8. #328
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014

  9. #329
    Weed General D.O.N's Avatar
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    Mar 2016
    Fucking hell, Cena is a lucky S.O.B to be banging Nikki Bella. I hate him.

    Oh, and Coutinho definitely going to Barca next season. He just screams Barcelona player to me.

  10. #330
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw opens with lazy Millennials. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins talk but can they co-exist? They end up punching each other because of their supressed sexual feelings about each other. Noted homophobes Shesaro interrupt and punch them both, so they hit back, but can they co-exist? They end up fisting each other, finally.

    Nia Jax vs Sasha Banks

    Darling Alexa watches from a throne at ringside.

    Sasha wins because the alternative would be too interesting.

    Kurty Angels does some matchmaking. The Miz is going to face Jason Angels.

    Bray Wyatt and Finn Balor can’t keep their hands off each other, so instead of waiting until SummerSlam they’re going to throw the match away on the go home show instead. Because reasons.

    Elia beats up R-Truth. I miss Goldust.

    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass at Flaming Testicles.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw fourweeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw three weeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw two weeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Rawlast week even though he wasn’t in the match.
    Enzo Amore gets beaten up by Big Cass on Raw this week.
    Please tune into Summerslam when Enzo Amore gets beaten up by Big Cass despite being in a cage.

    There has been one match in about an hour and a half.

    Akira Tozawa vs Neville

    Oh cool, another match that’s going to be on SummerSlam as well.

    ‘Nee, fook this man, Ahm goin doon the Toon for some kets. Akira’s bein a propa workyticket, the wazzock, an ah’ve nee time for im. He kept hittin me in the nappa and ah’ve got an eadache from gannin’ on the hoy las neet wiv Spuggy. Aw, she an ah was oot shagging on da shuggy boats. It were dead hacky, the filthy lil minx wanted it up the chuff.’

    Akira wins for some reason. Oh, and wins the championship too. Well that’s a shame.

    Big Show broke his hand, the poor guy.

    Finlay Borin’ Balor vs Bray Empty Threat Wyatt

    Bray wins and then covers Finaly in Ribena.

    Drunk Aunt vs Emma

    Poor old Emma takes another loss.

    Finlay Borin’ Balor is going to paint himself at SummerSlam. This takes away the surprise of him just doing it spontaneously. Jesus, they might as well just read out the booking plans for that show now.

    Jason Angels gets beaten up. The Hardys save him.

    Jason Angels and The Hardys vs The Miztourage

    Jason, my love, my dear, my flower opens only for you. Smear your nectar across my lips, let it run between my thighs. Pin me down and make me take you, all of you, deep into me.

    My dad says you’re not to be trusted. He says you’re very naughty and that he doesn’t like your husband.

    Forget your father, I have had him and he is nothing to me. Slap me until I turn red with your handprint, abuse me like a teenage boy with a sock.

    You…you shouldn’t be talking to me like that.

    Take me Jason. Bend me over, push my head down into the pillow and make me bite it.

    The dream team win. The Miz doesn’t even have a match at SummerSlam right now.

    Four men all look at each other and flex aggressively. They all end up fighting until Braun and Brock stare deeply into each other’s eyes. Everyone stops them from touching each other.

    Rating –4.7/10, worship my title (thanks YA)
    Last edited by Oliver; 08-15-2017 at 09:52 AM.

  11. #331
    Weed General D.O.N's Avatar
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    Mar 2016
    Dean and Seth has been one of the best things on RAW. Also, Deth and Sheasaro are going to do battle to see who has the most suppressed homophobic feelings between the two teams.

  12. #332
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    I led a secret SAS mission into enemy territory and freed 'Bear from the clutches of Steve and Mizfan. Unfortunately, due to the trauma of the experience, he is as yet incapable of speech and thought. With intensive therapy, it is hoped he will return for Bearly Reviewing SummerSlam, available on Monday (probably) right here on

    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown kicks off with some foreigners. The Turbanator and his two Sarah Connors aren’t from around here and that makes people cross. Shinsuke Nakamura isn’t from around here either but that’s kind of OK. At the end of it all the crowd light tiki torches and hound them both out of the building.

    Natalya vs Becky Lynch

    Overacting Becky gets beaten when she exclaims in horror at the prospect of going near Natalya. Naomi sits on commentary but nothing happens. The word ‘charisma’ briefly considers making an appearance and then floats away on a cloud of wishes.

    Chavmella teases everyone with her briefcase. It pops open and her dildo falls out. James Elsworth stands, brushes himself down, and then follows her out.

    Backstage now, and Tamina is busy completing Russian citizenship paperwork so that Lana can manage her. Stay tuned for more riveting administration work when Smackdown! Live rolls on!

    Backstage Daniel gives The Usos a match against The New Day so they can build to their title match at the weekend. What’s the point of a pay per view if you’re going to give the matches away on free TV before it even airs?

    Chad Gable vs Rusev

    Handsome Rusev throws Charming Chad around a bit and then gets disqualified for some reason.

    Afterwards, the sly snake Randy Orton hits an RKO on the Russian. Obligatorily, it comes from outta nowhere.

    ‘Hey man, calm down, alright, I’m not gonna thunk ye, I just wanna tell ya how I feel about woolybacks like you sticking your nose in to me business when I’m in The Asda getting some scran for me tea, like. You can be a propa divvy sometimes, Shane, and your trabs are proper antwacky. Can’t believe it, forty five million for Sigurdsson!’

    AJ doesn’t like Seldom Seen Shane. SSS doesn’t like AJ. Kevin Owens doesn’t like anybody. They all argue and then SSS gets hit again. He throws a paddy.

    The New Day vs The Usos

    Surprise surprise, The Usos win.

    The Fashion Files is still great. Something ‘dark’ is coming to the tag team division. I’m putting my money on sAnItY or however you type that shit out.

    Jinder Mahal vs John Cena

    But John, I thought you were my friend! Why can’t we pretend to fight tonight?

    Well Jack…

    My name’s Baron!

    …whatever kid. Tonight I stand up for America and fight against a foreigner again!

    Oh John, I want to be just like you! I’ve got the cap and the wrist bands and the t-shirts. Look, here’s a picture of me dressed as you for Halloween last year!

    That’s real sweet kid. I’m off to defend America, like the racists in the South claim to be doing.

    But John, I want to hang out more with you!


    I hate you John Cena! I’m going to hit you with my briefcase!

    John Cena wins by disqualification.

    Baron Boring then cashes in and loses by roll-up within ten seconds because he means absolutely nothing.

    Rating – SummerSlam is on Sunday and this did nothing to really sell that show.

  13. #333
    The Brain
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    Sep 2013
    Chavmella teases everyone with her briefcase. It pops open and her dildo falls out. James Elsworth stands, brushes himself down, and then follows her out.
    Ridiculous. You're too good at this.

  14. #334
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    Hey ‘Bear - it’s SummerFest! The time of year where we summer gets slammed and...I don’t know, consequences I guess? Does summer getting slammed just mean autumn starts?

    Probably. Or just that there’s been a new and exciting WWE leak. I’m just glad you freed me from Steve and Mizfan. Thought we might lose out on collaboration of the year given how you’re basically collaborating with yourself right now.

    I was almost getting a little concerned that Degen and Steve are going to steal away our collaboration of the year Cocky in the 2017 Bearly Reviewing awards. That thing’s got our name on it. Mostly because I had the shaft engraved with ‘Olli and Bear 4Eva’ last year when we won it…

    That thing looks good in my loo. Plus, always gives me an ego boost over Steve.

    We did cast it in his...image.

    A fine decision all round. Means I can still fit it in my hand luggage when I travel.

    You travel with the Cocky?


    I’m glad it’s getting to see the Southern Hemisphere. The furthest I took it in the first six months of the year was Wakefield. And that was an accident, because one of the kids thought it was a toy.

    Your child thought a bronze statuette of Steve’s dick was a toy?

    The less said about it the better.

    So anyway, what do we need to do here?

    I guess we need to review the show? It looks long on paper, like even the pre-show looks long.

    A quarter of a day long, including the pre-show.

    The pre-show is basically just the string attached to the tampon of the main show, I guess. You look at it and think everything stuck on the end is going to be great. Then you tug it out and the true bloody horror is revealed.

    That’s a little disturbing.

    At least Dean and Seth are going to fist each other again. I for one can’t wait.

    But can they co-exist?

    Probably. Their whole story is built around them now co-existing and winning. Oh, and Big Braun, he’s gonna be good too, as the only face in the main event. Anything good happening on Smackdown?

    I don’t know, you’ve been reviewing it. Charlotte is on the show, right?




    Fuck’s sake.

    Did you know that Jinder’s still champ?

    Really? Fuck me.

    You’ll pick it up as we go along.

    On with the show?

    On with the show.

    Bearly Reviewing SumerFest

    The Miz, Curtis Axel and Bo Dallas vs Jason Angels and the Hardyz

    It’s the pre-show. Nobody cares, not even people with tickets cared enough to turn up on time.

    Having been in TNA, you’d have thought the Hardyz would be OK performing in front of absolutely nobody, but they lose. Well, Jason Angels loses. The poor guy was dead on arrival. [*½]

    Neville vs Akira Tozawa

    Nee man, ya dinnae win my title on Monday, ah’ve nee time for this, Spuggy an I we’re off shagging in the back of me Morris last neet, light on an everything, an nee one come over an watched. I say man, I was avin a propa radgie, but Spuggy calmed me down wiv a quick tug and ah was OK again. Now, gimme back me title, ya worky bairn, an we’ll nee speak of this again.

    Neville wins, rendering Monday night completely pointless. [***¼]

    Elias played a song here. He hates everyone and everything, I don’t know, I had a nap.

    The Usos vs The New Day

    Uhhuh, uhhuh, Jimmy and Jey,
    Uhhuh, uhhuh, and we came to play.
    Just a cuppa Samoan guys,
    Out here making bank,
    Hoping nobody got pics,
    Of us having a wank,
    Paige’s nudes,
    Being tag teamed by dudes,
    But we ain’t that lewd,
    So if they do it’s fake news.

    The Usos win, because...there’s no reason for that.

    They’re pretty good, pal. You’ve not seen them being pretty good.

    Fair enough. This isn’t going to last, is it?

    Only until Occum and Razor, or whatever their names are, debut.

    John Cena vs Baron Corbin

    M-m-m-m-Mr Cena? It sure is an honour to share the ring with you.

    You blocked me on Twitter, motherfucker.

    I-i-i-i-I didn’t mean to! I was just looking at your header image and trying to find out when True Grit starts! Look, I’ve unblocked you, please don’t hurt me, I have all your shirts!

    Lie down.

    Yes sir Mr Cena, sir.

    Stay there while I try on this hat.

    Sure thing Mr Cena.

    I’m going to pin you now.

    Can I call you John? Are we friends now?


    [******½ OVW Class of 2002 REPRESENT!]

    Natalya vs Naomi

    Christ, Natalya wins, for some reason.

    How come Smackdown got the opening three matches?

    Hottest brand on television.


    Big Cass vs The Big Show

    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass at Flaming Testicles.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw four weeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw three weeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw two weeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw last week even though he wasn’t in the match.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw last week.
    Enzo Amore gets beaten up by Big Cass at SummerFest despite being in a cage.
    Please tune in to Raw this week to see Enzo Amore get beaten up by Big Cass.


    Enzo really needs to give it up. He’s going to lose his head soon.

    I almost want him to win one. Almost. If he wasn’t such a grating presence on TV every single bloody week

    Randy Orton vs Rusev

    Rusev’s here to save us.

    He’s going to do it, isn’t he? Really hyped for WWE Champion Rusev.

    It’s going to be so great, it’s going to be brill...oh.

    What the fuck? What the actual fuck?

    Fuck this. [1/16*]

    Sasha Banks vs Alexa Bliss

    Darling Alexa gets beaten by Unsafe Sasha, ruining everything including the whole of SummerFest. [***14/28]

    SummerFest has been ruined. There is no redemption from the previous four matches. Even Alexa can’t save this show now.

    Demon Boring Balor vs Bray Wyatt

    Even with his paint on, Finlay is still really boring.

    Why is he not on 205 Live yet?

    Because he’s got dirty pictures of Steph and Trips making it.


    Kicky kicky stompy kicky, Balor wins because Bray is exclusively empty threats now. Like, he thrives off of making empty threats. He lives of them. He eats them for breakfast with milk.


    Shed vs Shesaro

    Shed is definitely better than Shie so I’m going with it here, but can they co-exist? They can. But can they? They probably will. Cesaro squashes a ball because the fans are fucking unbearable.

    Of course the fisting bros win, but can they co-exist?


    AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens

    Ey la, you’re propa antwocky. I’m off up The Asda for some half priced tiger bread and a litre of cider.

    Sounds like my weekly shop.

    Shane’s guest ref?

    You’ve really missed a lot. Owens hates Shane, Shane hates Owens, Styles also hates Shane, Shane also hates Styles, and Owens and Styles hate each other.

    I see. So, inevitably, they all hit Shane?


    OK. Styles wins. [***1/32]

    Jinder Mahal vs Shinsuke Nakamura

    Nobody really cares about this, do they?

    Olli? You awake pal?

    Sorry, drifted off. It’s been a long day. Kids were up early. You’ve got all this to look forward. How’s Jen coping with growing a human being?

    Alright, I think. Seems OK. Keeps asking for gherkins.

    My wife seemed to just get hungry for anything and everything when she was up the duff. I can probably tell you the location of the nearest drive-thru McDonalds within a 50 mile radius of the house.

    Seems reasonable. Huh, the match ended.

    Weird, I didn’t see any of it.

    Who won?

    The Turbanator, I think?

    We can find out in the morning.


    Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman vs Samoa Joe

    BOOOOM! Everybody dies before superface Braun Strowman, a man so good I can’t even be bothered to misspell his name anymore.

    He’s the hero we’ve all been waiting for.

    They need to really pull the trigger on him, don’t they? Brock gets to lie down for half the match so he can get his breath back after doing one (1) move. He then comes back and wins. Lazy bastard. Roman takes the pin so that they can keep telling his redemption story or whatever.


    So that was SummerFest. What did you think, my best friend in the whole world?

    The Smackdown! stuff was pretty trash. Nothing really good there.

    Raw side was OK, I thought. The main was good. The Shed stuff was good. Everything else was kinda water under the bridge and could have been on any Raw show. Nothing that made it really special.

    It’s tough to make this good when the product is so average, isn’t it?

    I wish it was more disastrously shit. We’re at our best when it’s disastrously shit.

    At least we’re still the best and most consistent collaborators on LoP. Something to be proud of.

    We’ve done this for eight months solid, two or three times a week. That’s pretty good, isn’t it?

    Nobody has our staying power. Not even our own readership.

    I think most of them are still with us. Just about.

    Hang on, Jen wants some more gherkins. I’ve got to go to the shop, we’re out.

    OK, cool. Good luck with that. Glad you’re free again.

    Sign off for me?

    Sure thing.

    Nice. Later.

    So that was SummerFest. Any last words, ‘Bear?

    I like Boyz II Men and cashmere jumpers.

    Fair enough. See ya around, loyal readers. And you, Mizfan. We know you only read it out of obligation and to get that Feedbacker of the Year award.

  15. #335
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
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    Sep 2013
    Summerfest was pretty shit, but if there is one bright spot it is that we finally got Bear back to write again.

    From The Shed vs Shesaro match onward the show was pretty alright, but everything before was a literal dumpster fire.

  16. #336
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw kicks off with old people talking. Paul Heyman makes his usual points regarding his overpowered meat monster client. Then we finally get to the Braun Strowman fireworks factory and he fucking WRECKS Brock Lesnar. I don’t care if it’s not in keeping with our usual tone, I am fucking psyched for Braun vs Brock.

    Big Cass vs Enzo Amore

    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass at Flaming Testicles.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw four weeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw three weeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw two weeks ago.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw last week even though he wasn’t in the match.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass on Raw last week.
    Enzo Amore got beaten up by Big Cass at SummerFest despite being in a cage.
    Enzo Amore gets beaten up by Big Cass on Raw this week.

    It probably won’t happen next week because Big Cass doesn’t understand the physics of leaving a wrestling ring.

    Emma talks herself into trouble with Nia. Whoops.

    Emma vs Nia

    Poor Emma

    Elias vs R-Truth

    I’m refusing to pass comment on anything involving R-Truth until Goldust is on Raw again.

    Kurty Angels introduces John Felix Anthony Cena, the newest guy on Raw. Roman Reigns comes out to stake a claim on his yard or whatever. Then The Miz comes out, and the previously announced main event of Kalisto vs Rhyno in an ironman match gets bumped for some tag shenanigans that for some reason also involve Samoa Joe.

    Drew Gulak, Noam Dar, Ariya Daivari and Tony Nese vs. Rich Swann, Cedric Alexander, Mustafa Ali and Gran Metalik

    Can I just say how happy I am that Gran Metalik is a thing again? And also that they found the rest of the Cruiserweight division?

    Cedric Alexander wins it for his team and they all ‘stand tall’ at about 5 foot 10 inches.

    Spuggy an I ave been shagging since las night. Propa dirty stuff, an all. We’re off up the Toon to celebrate tonight an gannin’ on the hoy. Spuggy, ma hinnny, imagine that.

    No Knees Rollins and Dean Ambrose come down for a celebratory fisting. The Hardyz interrupt the live sex celebration.

    Shed vs The Hardyz

    Shed win, of course. Champions and all that.

    Unsafe Sasha chats some in the ring about fake goddesses. Darling Alexa interrupts and is cashing in her rematch next week. How lovely.

    Jason Angels vs Finlay Borin’ Balor

    Still not on 205 Live, huh Finlay? He wins a match which goes for over four paragraphs, which makes it ‘long’ and ‘competitive’.

    John Cena and Roman Reigns vs The Miz and Samoa Joe

    Cena and Reigns win because Jesus H Christ imagine one of them just taking a clean pin in the middle of the ring to two of the top heels on the program. Highly unlikely.

    They both mouth at each other to end the show. Mouthing! Threatening! Intriguing!

    Rating – I don’t know, I mean, it’s Raw. It’s still the same as it ever was.

  17. #337
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I feel like Raw was short this week, reading it here and on the MP, it just seems like half an hour was missing.

    Also I am interested to see where Enzo goes now that he doesn't have Cass to beat him every week. My money is on they bring Baron Corbin over and pretend he is Big Cass, like that time Sin Cara was suspended.

  18. #338
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
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    Jan 2002
    Deep in the heart
    Baron Corbin was Sin Cara?

    My dick is not a toy. One must be 18 or older to play with it. The closer to 18, the better.

    I prefer Deth to Shed, but I think I'm going to steal it for myself. I've had a really, really hard time not calling Corbin "Youngertaker" regularly on The Late Shift.

    I, too, like Boyz II Men.

    Oh, by the way...

    Steven’s Bearly Reviewing NXT Takeover Brooklyn III: Turtles In Time

    Johnny Garbanzos vs Lou "Cien" Bega

    Good back and forth, but Garbanzos gets the upper hand until Not Shelly Martinez hits him with a t-shirt and Bega makes hummus of him while singing of needing a little bit of Monica in his life. Not sure why, as Rachel is way hotter.

    [2 8/37*]

    Kurty Angels and Seldom Seen Bryan are watching the show in Wade Barrett's skybox. Iconic are trying to talk SSB into a three-way or something as Not Rod Strong sits boringly. Dancy McAfro is also there.

    Corey Graves is the guest announcer because the secret theme of the event is Random Guest Announcer Guys.

    NXT Tag Team Title Match: SAnitY vs. The Authors of Pain

    Crazy Eric takes Not A-Train Dain's place because reasons. Darling Nikki Cross winds up getting squished and is somehow hot while also looking like she needs a good bath. Eventually porn star named Alexander Wolfe winds up getting the pin and Tokka and Razar are no longer Tag Team Champions, probably because SmackDown is just one Colon injury (ouch) away from bringing back Tekno Team 2000 to pad their division.

    [3 7/17*]

    After the match a guy called Fish and another guy called Kyle come out and beat up everyone. I don't really care, as the only man who is a fish that I recognize is LOP Columns Hall of Famer, anonymous.

    Neville, Nagasaki and Kalisto are there resembling a really shitty, super PC multi-national boy band.

    Random Guest Announcer Guys Brooklyn Part 3 continues as Jim Ross comes out to call the next match.

    Aleister Black vs Hideous Itami

    Black is played to the ring by a screaming guy and some guitars. Both guys kick the bejeezus out of one another until Aleister summons Satan by kicking Hideous in the head one last time and wins.

    As an aside, I think it's fucking awesome that one of the biggest faces in NXT essentially has the gimmick of "kickboxing Satanist".


    Sasha, Abe Vigoda's Daughter and Becky are there.

    NXT Women's Title Match: Ember Moon vs. Asuka

    Ember continues her gimmick of... um... resilient mostly normal athletic black pseudo-goth lady? and is resilient. She sings Total Eclipse of the Heart and almost wins, but Undefeated Asuka remains undefeated despite literally breaking her collarbone.

    [3 43/45*]

    Kevin Owens and Joey Samoa are there. They are surprisingly not eating, at least while on camera.

    NXT Title Match: Drew "Not Nearly As Good Without Broken Dreams" McIntyre vs. The Glorious Bobby Roode

    McIntyre comes out to bagpipes, because stereotypes. Roode, on the other hand, is stereotypically Glorious. They fight for a long while with Drew playing the tough guy and Bobby playing sneaky badass, managing to hit two Glorious DDTs but still somehow losing to half a dropkick. McIntyre is the new NXT Champion and Shane (the LOP Columns Hall of Famer one, not the Often Seen one) is somewhere cutting himself and weeping openly.

    [2 7/8*]

    Not anonymous Fish and Kyle are back and they have Michael Cole's Son with them. They beat up Drew while Son of Cole holds up the title belt and proclaims it vintage.

    Rating – Pretty damn good but not as jeans creamingly amazing as most would have you believe. I'd take Braun over almost any of these guys, any day. Though Black and Roode are certifiably The Shit.

    The Power Trip rules.

  19. #339
    Senior Member
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    He really isn't as good without Broken Dreams is he? You'll fit into the Bearly Reviewing family well with such astute ponderings.

  20. #340
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Double Post - What you gonna do, Steve? You're in our world now.

    The above is pretty much every Bray Wyatt promo, ever.

    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    We’re live from The Barclays Center in Brooklyn, Cryme Tyme welcome us by stealing our enthusiasm for the product.

    AJ Styles comes out and says “I built a fuckin’ house, well it’s not even like, an actual house n all dat, it’s like, a metaphor for building the Smackdown brand and tellin’ all deez dickheads how good Moreno actually is"

    Grumpy Kevin comes out and says that Andrew Robertson really should be given a shot at left back because he’s much safer and has an exquisite left foot. Also, he wants a rematch because Too Often Seen at Major PPV’s Shane screwed him, like his Dad screwed Bret. AJ tells him to “do one” and this means Shane comes out to make a match. Grumpy Kev wants to pick his own ref, fair call I say.

    Bears Bookies – Who will be the ref?

    Evens – Someone in the upper midcard who they shoehorn in
    3/1 - Chris Jericho
    5/1 – JTG
    5/1 – Rusev’s destroyed confidence
    7/1 – Jay Z
    10/1 – Baron Corbins Twitter nous

    Backstage Daniel is Backstage doing backstage shenanigans, says we’ll have suprises & makes Shitake Nagamushroom Vs The Turbanators for later.

    Grumpy Kev talks to Dopey Salmon and they #reunitetheIndieCandanianDarlings.

    Aiden England Vs Bobby Roode

    Yep.. IT’s BOBBY ROODE.

    There’s a trend ladies and gentleman, and you’ll hear it FIRST at Bearly Reviewing.

    Whenever the NxT champ loses the belt, they get called up to the main roster, the main roster loves a loser to push. If Drewe had any sense he’d vacate the belt and appear on RAW next week,

    Bobby wins because everyone like his entrance.

    Backstage Daniel is backstage again. Lonely Chad Gable mopes over looking all sad, then Backstage Daniel reveals that he’s signed Shelton Benjamin, and they’ll tag with each other. Lonely Chad looks happy. Bless.

    The Hype Bros Vs The NWUsos

    Interestingly The Hype Bros are still a thing.

    Before the match The Usos grab the mic;

    “Welcome to The Uso penitentiary,
    Difficult to rhyme with penitentiary,
    At SummerSlam then didn’t mention me,
    Oh look, something rhymes with penitentiary”

    The NWUsos win because… Well, Ryder and Mojo.

    Shinbone NakofwinningexceptonPPV Vs The Turbanators

    Tajiri-lite wins and like a white American cop, kicks the fuck out of a man with colour.

    Grump Kev is still looking for mates because Dopey Salmon let him down, like the rest of us, he’s not interested in Fabreeze. Buried Baron Boring approaches.

    “Hi Kevin, it’s me The YoungerTaker. Seems I took my name too far and got myself Buried trying to be like you on Twitter”

    “What do you want Corbin”

    “I’m being punished because I’m a useless prick that fans can’t relate to, after being pushed because I’m tall, I’m failing in my quest to get over because nobody actually gives a flying dogs fanny about me”

    “Gee, that brings a tear to my heart, have a spot in the main event”

    Little do you all know, but over the past 3 months Kev has been stitched up throughout. He’s the real victim.

    Divas Match – brought to you in association with Fidget Spinner

    Go and buy one, play with it for 30 seconds until you realise it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be, then by the time you’re done, this will be over.

    Racist Dolph is “back on Smackdown” – and everyone is confused. He takes a shot at a few people and nobody has any idea what’s happening.

    Lana is backstage and I get my cock out in record time, then Tamina joins her and I lose all enthusiasm.

    United States Title match: Grump Kev Vs AJ for the 90th time

    Shane stitches up Kev again, even I’m angry now. This is a joke. Shane is a heel and Kev is a face.

    Rating: Save Kevin

  21. #341
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
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    Sep 2013
    Bear and Steve do Bearly Reviewing too? I thought this was Ollies thing?

    Really enjoyed all these last few columns.

  22. #342
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    There are many agents of Bearly, Zakary.

    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw kicks off with The Miz, the only person actually capable of conducting an audience that regularly appears on the show. He’s out there with the Magical Maryse and a bunch of no names. Kurty Angels stops him from talking.

    Oh, Mr Angels, look at me here, resplendent for you. I’m spread out like a bouquet for you, my lily open, my clitoris a stamen waiting for you to lick the pollen. Taste it, lick my sweet nectar.

    'Sorry missy, this is a talent contest, not a live sex show.

    Have you seen my magic trick, Mr Angels? Let me show you a trick.

    …oh. Wow. Ping pong balls.

    Kurty sets up a battle royale to crown a new Incontinent Championship contender

    Bunch of guys lobbing each other over the ropes.

    Jeff Harvey wins.

    Did you know that Mike Mizanin has nearly spent as many total days as Incontinent Champion as Tito Santana?

    Enzo Amore vs Noam Dar

    Enzo wins when he drops Dar. No, really, that’s what the results say. I assume it was from head height, so Dar fell roughly five feet.

    Wey aye ye lil gadgie coont, ye think ye can tek me tile? Howay man, yev got nee chance agenst me, the king of the cruiserweights, ah’ll beat ye an then take Spuggy hyem for some bait an a shag.

    The genetically engineered meat monster Paul Heyman uses for protection from the debt collectors and Rob Van Dam wants to smash Braun Strowman, the only over person on Raw.

    No Knees Rollins vs Cesaro

    As this is one of the champs fighting one of their challengers the champion will lose due to distraction from their teammate fighting with the other teammate.

    Yep, that happens.

    Dean Ambrose vs Sheamus

    As this is the other champ fighting with the other challenger, the champion will win due to distraction from their teammate fighting with the other teammate.

    Yep, that happens.

    You can build an emotional angle all you want, but the payoff will never avoid shitty Raw booking.

    Emma, who started the women’s revolution, reminds us all that she started the women’s revolution.

    Emma vs Drunk Aunt

    Drunk Aunt staggers out, a tin of gin in one hand and OneRepublic’s ‘Apologise’ playing on her phone in the other. She enters the ring, trips over, and is immediately pinned.

    Emma, who started the women’s revolution, reminds us all again that she started the women’s revolution. How shit is it going to be when Paige returns in a couple of weeks to have a series of poor Raw matches with Emma over which one really started the women’s revolution that Stephanie McMahon will probably end up claiming responsibility for.

    John Boy Cena and A Samoan Called Joe talk to each other for-fucking-ever. Like, Terry Funk levels of forever. Pass the time by watching the G1 Climax final, they’ll still be here when you come back. They end up signing a piece of paper.

    John Cena and Roman Reigns vs The Club

    ‘member when The Club signed and we were all moderately excited? ‘member when they were tag champions and ‘one of the most dominant teams on Raw’?

    No, me either.

    Elias tries to sing a song. Pelvis fucking Wesley interferes, and we must now accept all of Southpaw Regional Wrestling as canon. Renee Young will be appearing as Susan for the foreseeable future and many young boys will have a sexual awakening that only Sunny in the 90s could previously have offered.

    Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks

    Sasha Banks, who when asked to defend can only be compared to the current West Ham back four, loses because she always bloody loses.

    Darling Alexa becomes a two time champ and then her friend Nia wrecks her.

    Super into the idea of Darling Alexa vs Nia

    Rating – I prayed for mercy, but there was none
    Last edited by Oliver; 08-29-2017 at 05:43 PM.

  23. #343
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I now have a powerful desire to see current Miz vs. '85-'86 Tito Santana. THANKS, Bearly Reviewing!

  24. #344
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Absolute pleasure Mizfan.

    Bearly Reviewing SmackDown

    We’re live from Little Rock, aka Rocky Maiva. JBL is crying because Jinder & The Turbanators stole his Bashams schtick.

    Out first are The Turbanators, and Jinder, who is looking particularly ‘Juicy’ today. Jinder says everyone hates him because he isn’t a white man, then Shitstabber Nakasaki comes out and everyone loves him. Fred saves Nakamura before Rusev saves us.

    This all happens because they’ll all be in the main event and this is designed to make us stay tuned. So stay tuned.

    The Ascension Vs Lonely Chad Gable and Virgil

    Chad and Virgil win because Virgil has returned and they need to build him up a little bit before he feuds with Chad.

    Buried Boring Baron is meandering backstage when Renee Young banters him for losing his cash-in.

    “Excuse me Renee Young, it’s me The YoungerTaker. I didn’t squander my chance, I lost fair and square to Mr John Cena because of my actions on Twitter, and I was taught a valuable lesson in the process. It’s almost like when a penguin goes out to sea, battles sealions and smashing against rocks just to get food for his young one, then when he returns after days at sea his son/daughter has been taken by an eagle. Sure, it’s sad, but new opportunities present themselves and he can butt-fuck another penguin”

    “But penguins mate for life”

    “What? WHAT? So he did ALL that for fucking nothing? The sealions? The rocks? I’m extremely angry now and will challenge AJ Styles to his belt”

    Out comes AJ for his open challenge. Tye Dickhead comes out, then Baron is out and they have what can only be described as “fisticuffs”. Tye still has the match and is SQUASHED and BURIED.

    Backstage Jinder and Rusev are chatting. Jinder wants a friend but Rusev is playing hard to get. Jinder reaches over, places his hand on Rusevs leg and leans in for a kiss. The Turbanators shout “Jinder & Rusev kissing in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G”. Everyone laughs and becomes great friends. The end.

    Bobby Roode Vs Mike Kanellis

    Roode wins because it’s Mike Fucking Kanellis.

    After the match Roode stands tall, but not quite tall enough to ever be a WWE Champion.

    Babyface Owens is out now reminding us how he’s been mistreated by his employers. Often Seen Shane comes out to deny it, and still no HR reps are present.

    Salmon Zayn Vs English Aiden

    Owens interferes to give the underdog Aiden a win, like a real hero. Fans are still booing because they don’t quite get that Kev is a babyface yet.

    Dolph Ziggler is backstage again, he quite rightly calls Boring Finn Balor a “charisma vacuum”. Still nobody watching has any idea of what is going on with Dolph. Which is vastly more interesting than anything he’s done in 4 years.

    The NWUSO’s Vs The New Day

    I’d usually insert a poor rap here, but I’ve run out of material. So have these guys, we don’t need to see this for the 900th time.

    Usual stuff happens and The NWUSO wins.

    Backstage Natty calls Carmella the “Baron Corbin of the womens division” meaning Baron is actually dead now. He’s become a metaphor like Marty Jannetty.

    Tamina Vs Jobber Joberson

    The worst thing about Tamina being linked with Lana is that I now regularly ejaculate into a sock whilst looking at Tamina.

    Fred & Shitsucker Nagabingbong Vs Juicy Jinder and Our Saviour.

    Quick snap shot

    - Rusev gets pinned because he’s leaving.
    - Jinder literally botched nearly everything
    - Randy saved it all by RKOing an Asian

    Rating: Thank God for Randy

  25. #345
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
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    Sep 2013
    I really hope Rusev isn't leaving, I really do enjoy him and it would be sad to see him go.

  26. #346
    Senior Junior SirSam's Avatar
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    Aug 2017
    Newcastle, Australia
    What in the blue hell is Randy Orton doing still fighting with Jinder?

    I swear the WWE is just trolling us now. Just wait untill 5 years time and they do a package about how Orton V Mahal is the biggest feud the WWE has seen since Orton v Cena.

  27. #347
    Sasha can't defending a title. Nobody apparently can keep a title in this era for more than a couple of months. Remember when a 3-6 month title reign was considered very very short? Now that is considered a lengthy run! Thanks for reviewing!

  28. #348
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    389 miles from Sheepster
    Do either of you find listening to Nigel McGuiness is ruined by his vocal similarities to Baldrick?

  29. #349
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
    I find Nigel McGuiness quite tiring on NXT, I must say. Although the really weird thing is I rarely, if ever, hear Percy Watson speak. It's very odd, I wonder if I've worked out how to just tune him out.

    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw kicks off with…wrestling? What is this witchcraft? Who locked Vince out of the writer’s room this week?

    John Cena vs Jason Jordan

    They do that John Cena match where he wins but his opponent gets to ‘look good’. It’s a tried and tested method that worked really well to make a start of Stardust before.

    After Cena wins, Roman Reigns appears and they do the same promos they did last week which…

    OK, look, I don’t want this to become a ‘column in a column’ but John Cena has never been the best guy to get ‘worked shooty’, and Roman Reigns is dangerously close to him in levels of badness. Last week, Cena pointed out basically every flaw that us marks at home have been pointing out for years. Some of y’all popped for it, some of y’all didn’t, but the issue isn’t that Cena is ‘exposing the business’ or any of that shit that died in the 90s. We know the business now, and have done for a long time. That’s not the problem.

    The problem is denigrating your opponent to the point where we, as fans, no longer think they are worth anything. And this is something that both Reigns and Cena have done over the past fortnight.

    Look at it this way – last week, Reigns called Cena a ‘part-timer’. It’s a negative slur, one that suggests that, because he isn’t here all the time, Cena is somewhat lesser than the guys in the locker room who turn up week in, week out and put in the hard graft. And in isolation it’s kind of OK – Cena is a part-timer, and he’s a part-timer because his body is winding down – probably long before his brain is ready for it too. But when you think of it in a bigger picture, what does it mean for Roman? If Roman can’t beat a part-timer, he looks like a tit – someone who barely turns up beat him and so now Reigns is even worse than someone who is slowing down. And on the reverse of that, if Reigns beats Cena now – so what? Cena’s ‘just’ a part-timer. Reigns could have never got it done against a full-time Cena, Cena Prime if you like. And this week Reigns is at it again – he highlights that it took Cena twenty minutes to beat a rookie in Jason Jordan. So what if come No Mercy Reigns loses to the guy that takes 20 minutes to beat a rookie? What does that make him? Shit on a shoe?

    Like I said, Cena’s no saint in this one either – tearing Roman down for his inability to speak is one thing, but tearing him down because in Cena’s absence he couldn’t ‘be the guy’. It’s a fine line to walk between building up Reigns beating Cena as a big thing – it, theoretically, would cement him as ‘the guy’ – but also in pulling Reigns down because as the last 18 months or so have shown no, Reigns can’t carry the show in the way Cena will. You know where to find the boring stats on those viewer numbers FALLING.

    But if Reigns isn’t ‘the guy’, and is just ‘a guy’, what does that mean if Cena wins at No Mercy? Does he beat a young pretender, or someone that we know as fans can’t cut it at the top? Can’t carry the business on his handsome muscly shoulders? Or does that actually make him someone being primed to be ‘the guy’ – and in a role that we have now been explicitly told he can’t succeed in?

    Admittedly, in these promos Cena has toed the line a lot more successfully than previously. He is not tearing Reigns down completely in the way that he did Alberto Del Rio in 2011 (six years ago! The Second Summer of Punk was six years ago!). But what he’s telling us is that he’s set to face off against someone who can’t talk, can’t wrestle, and can’t step into the role Cena has filled, and WWE want him to fill. Essentially, he’s not fit to lace Cena’s boots.

    So who wins here? If Reigns wins he beats someone who is just a part-time bitch who takes too long to dispatch rookies. If Cena wins he beats someone who, regardless of who he has listed in his win column, isn’t ready for the top.

    Why are they making this a lose-lose situation?

    Would it have been too difficult for these two to go out into the ring and acknowledge the achievements of the other, to build them up before they take the fall? There’s an extract from A Lion’s Tale, Chris Jericho’s excellent first autobiography, that hits the nail on the head about promos from before his match with Bulldog Bob Brown:

    Quote Originally Posted by The Best In The World At What He Does
    I learned an important lesson—the first of three seminal moments in my promo development. I had done an interview about my first match with Bulldog and I was talking about how old and slow he was, just burying him. I thought it was pretty good, until I walked back to the dressing room and Bulldog stopped me in front of everyone. “What the hell are you doing? Yeah I’m old and everybody knows it. But I want you to think about this. If I beat you, and I WILL be beating you, then you just got beat by an old man. If you beat me, and you WILL NOT be beating me, then you just beat up an old man.

    If you talk about how much experience I have and then I cheat to beat you, then at least you got beaten by an experienced vet. And if you beat me, well fuck, then you just beat an experienced vet. The way it stands right now, you just pissed all over yourself. You look like a fool either way.” He walked away muttering to himself, and I realized he was right. The first big lesson I learned about promos (get out your pens, kids) was: “Never Totally Bury Your Opponent.” You can tell jokes and insult them all you want, but if you don’t build them up to some extent, you’re just burying yourself.
    ‘You look a fool either way’. Nothing could be truer right now of whoever walks out of No Mercy with the win.

    Now back to your regularly scheduled nonsense.

    Shesaro vs Rhyno & Slater

    Hahahaha LOL Shesaro win, duh.

    Jeff Harvey vs The Miz

    Come to me Jeffrey. Your experimental ways and my full, pert labia will make a perfect couple. Let me draw you into me, may you find the oxycodin I have placed in my cervix with naught but your tongue. Ride me like you would a dirt bike over a mound of earth, paint me like one of your sculptures of yourself. Brand me with your symbol, make me your Hardy Girl.

    Maryse, shut up. I’m not even a human being, I’m basically part koala.

    Part-Koala? Treat me like you would your female. Bite me and hold me with your teeth while you fuck me with your double-headed penis.

    ...alright, I will.

    As Jeff chases his sexual prey around the ring, The Miz takes advantage and crushes his skull to win.

    Sasha has a rematch at No Mercy, but Nia isn’t happy about it. For some reason Emma, who started the Women’s Revolution turns up and gets a chance at a shot with Nia. All those moonsaults have gone to Kurt’s head.

    Drew Gulak, Tony Nese and Noam Dar vs. Enzo Amore, Cedric Alexander and Gran Metalik

    I don’t know, it’s one of those Cruiserweight six-man tags again, it’s probably alright. Enzo wins. His team get entered into a fatal five-way to crown a new number contender.

    Tony Nese is in it too, despite losing, so *shrug*.

    Bray Wyatt and Finn Balor cut duelling promos on each other, and I never thought I’d fall asleep outside of an Elias performance but there it is.

    Sasha Bank and Alexa Bliss vs Nia Jax and Emma

    But can they co-exist?

    Everyone co-exists quite happily, actually. Emma steals the pin from Nia at the end, and they’re all in the No Mercy match together.

    Please make Emma champion for no reason. It’d be fun.

    Sean vs The Club

    Team Sean win because they’re the champions.

    I’m not sure why, but Shesaro got involved and end up getting in a fight with The Club afterwards.

    Big Show vs Braun Strowman in a big cage

    They reinforced the ring because of what happens last time. It pays off when Braun superplexes Show but the ring doesn’t fall apart.

    It’s Braun vs Big Show, so it’s damned good and you know it.

    Afterwards Strowman shouts at Brock and then hurls Show through a cage wall.

    Jesus, please put the title on him?

    Rating – I feel like this might actually have some decent moments on it?

  30. #350
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Jeff Hardy is part Koala? That is a surprise twist.

    I was really disappointed in the cage match when nothing broke. Braun saved it after the match though.

  31. #351
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I hate shooty nonsense. It rarely works well and even if it does it usually leaves you with nowhere to go.

  32. #352
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown this week emanates from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Famous people from here include:

    - January Jones – My recent jerk fodder
    - Shayna Baszler – Triple H’s recent jerk fodder
    - Shane Van Boening – Surname sounds funny

    Randy Orton talks. Nobody cares.

    Chavmella is in the ring with the Mike Kanellis to her Maria Kanellis, the No Chinned Dildo.

    Big Kev demands to be referee. Often Present Shane says he can’t, so Big Kev mentions his family, which triggers OPS because his daddy was never home when he was a kid.

    Owens is going to sue everyone. More from your favourite Legal Procedural Drama Smackdown! Live after the break.

    Chavmella vs Natalya

    Overacting Becky and Smooth Front Bottom Flair exchange shrugs backstage.

    Natalya wins because the No Chinned Dildo can’t help himself.

    The two key components of Smackdown’s women’s division split up afterwards.

    Kurt Russel plays dress up.

    Aiden English vs Sami Zayn

    English wins in a minute. I don’t get it.

    For some reason The Usos logically pick a No DQ bout for their title match against the three man New Day rather than a ‘The Usos automatically win’ one.

    Sometimes Present Bryan suspends Often Present Shane per the order of Vince.

    The leader of The Turbanators gives no shits. He’s beaten everyone.

    YoungerTaker vs Dillinger Escape Plan

    But surely the issue is that John Dillinger didn’t have an escape plan when he really needed one so ended up getting shot?’ muses the YoungerTaker as Tye dances around him. ‘I mean, if he was such a good escapee why didn’t he have a plan when he needed one? You have to question whether he was really that smart and clever, unlike I, the YoungerTaker, who has an intimate and extensive knowledge of Chronic Traumatic Enncephaloopathy.

    Corbinn wins. His push is back on.

    AJ gives Loser Tye a US Championship match because he wants an easy win. ‘Ey la, I just wanna go home and listen to The Beatles, like? You wanna a shiny new Rolex? I got em from the markets, fresh they are, shiny and clean.

    Chavmella and Elllsworth finalise their thievery of the Kanellis’ gimmick, rendering them pointless.

    You might remember Mike Kanellis, who last wrestled on the show at the end of July (except for being beaten by Bobby Roode last week, and he isn’t even on the show this week so…)

    The Great Satsuke Nakamural vs Cowboy Randal Orton

    Shinji Kagawa wins the right to lose to Jinder at Hell in a Cell, but not actually in a cell probably because that would be racist.

    Vince is coming to sort out his son next week and have some family time.

    Rating – A flagrant abuse of power, frankly
    Last edited by Oliver; 09-11-2017 at 05:49 PM.

  33. #353
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Nobody has yet paid the ransom on Vince’s head, so Raw starts with wrestling again, spoiling my lazy standard introduction for the second week running

    Roman Reigns vs Jason Jordan

    You know Roman wins, but like Cena last week he takes ages to win in order to Jordan ‘look good’.

    Cena comes out and calls Reigns a big Samoan meanie. Roman calls Cena a big blue meanie.

    Lo and behold, the actual Blue Meanie comes out, along with Stevie Richards they make their way to the ring and we have a tag match.

    bWo vs Roman Reigns and John Cena

    Reigns and Cena win when JBL turns up and starts punching Blue Meanie for some reason.

    Reigns celebrates, than Cena tells him he’s a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and his butt smells and he likes to kiss his own butt. Stung by the ferocity of these claims, Roman leaves.

    Backstage, Sasha Banks is walking. She trips, breaks her collar bone, and is out for three months.

    Emma vs Sasha Banks

    Somehow, even with a broken collar bone, Sasha wins. It’s because Emma, who started the women’s revolution, isn’t part of some beloved imaginary faction, I presume.

    American Hero Braun Strowman is immune to German suplexes. Brock is going to get fucked up.

    Goldust vs Bray Wyatt

    Poor Goldust. Can they run a Goldust vs The Miz program, please? Can we get Marlena back for it?

    Shesaro vs The Club

    Everyone fights, nothing important happens, Rombrose show up for some reason.

    Inevitably, that sets up an eight man tag for later on tonight.

    Nia and Darling Alexa don’t really like each other very much.

    Elias vs Kalisto

    Elias hates Anaheim. How could he?! That’s the home of the Mighty Ducks! Joshua Jackson would be rolling in his grave if he weren’t very much alive!

    He wins, obviously, because Kalisto should only be on 205 Live.

    John Cena vs Braun Strowman

    Braun gets disqualified because using the steps on the outside is perfectly fine but using them in the ring is evil.

    If you’d ever wondered what a miniature version of the feud between Cena and Reigns would look like, here’s The Miz and Enzo Amore getting all worked up about things.

    Maryse is pregnant, by the way. ’Bear made it cool to be, though.

    Enzo Amore vs The Miz

    Everyone punches Enzo. Neville laughs at him.

    The Club and Shesaro vs. Rombrose and Hardyz

    No really, this is the main event. I don’t know why either.

    The good guys win.

    Rating – Some of y’all hate Raw, some of y’all like Raw, some of y’all probably thought that bWo match was real

  34. #354
    I beat up Kong! Powder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I really just noticed your sig pic after all this time. So exactly why are you the chlorofluorocarbon champion? That is the stuff that complete depleted the ozone layer in the 80's from all the aqua net we were using.

  35. #355
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I googled that bWo thing twice because I was excited it might be real. Now I'm even more sour about WWE than I was before because it's not.

  36. #356
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Smackdown tonight is from Las Vegas. Famous people from Las Vegas include:

    - Andre Agassi – ball beater
    - Greg Anthony – ball bouncer
    - Jason Giambi – ball hitter
    - Jenna Jameson – ball rider

    Big Kev continues our thrilling legal procedural drama by threatening to sue everyone. Kurt Russell plays fancy dress to lighten the mood.

    Seldom Seen Daniel can’t do anything physical, so comes out and says that Vince is turning up later.

    AJ Styles vs Tye Dillinger

    'Ey la, your no taking my title. You’re a Woll, and everyone here knows it. Go ‘ed lad, lie down for me. Nice one. Gonna pin ye, have a couple of jars, and then stay in. I’m propa skint, can’t even afford The Asda so I had to go down The Lidl the other day. Me Mark Lawrenson shirt’s on eBay, signed an all, needs to go for a bit of wonga though otherwise I’ll have no heating and it’ll be fucking Baltic in me flat, like.

    Excuse me, Mr Styles, sir, it is I the YoungerTaker. I was just wondering if you had considered getting a great deal on your personal health insurance with me. I know all about Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy and believe I could get you a really good deal.

    Ey, back off lad, your no selling me your dirty insurance shit. It’s a propa scam, like, well antwacky, that. Fuck off back to the Blue side, the red side ain’t got nothing for you here.

    AJ wins, Corbin beats him up.

    Rusev is going to break a legend, and my first thought is how fucking brilliant Rusev vs Arn Anderson would be. Or Rusev vs Dean Malenko. Can one of these happen, please?

    The Turbanators are still collectively confident. Also racist against Japanese people, apparently.

    They seem to be building up Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn for the last time since the last time since the last time since the last time since the time before that but not that other time but definitely since that one time that was the last time. KO is going to fire Sami once he has filed the relevant paperwork to own Smackdown.

    The Usos vs The New Day

    This is a street fight.

    The New Day win because WWE’s understanding of being good at street fighting is black people.

    Naomi vs Natalya

    Huh, another title match.

    No Chinned Sex Toy is on a lead. Carmella’s well filthy. Loves a few M&Ms.

    Natalya wins after the Undynamic Duo get involved.

    Dear Aiden serenades everyone. Big Kev loves it.

    Kurt Russell keeps playing dress up, the weirdo.

    The New World’s Greatest Tag Team vs Literally The Worst And Least Pleasant Tag Team Ever

    Gable wins the match for his team. They all get tense with each other afterwards.

    Vince is angry because Big Kev rightfully pointed out that his son looks like a giant thumb. Big Kev headbutts Vince and breaks his face. Scrap Daddy Adam Pearce tries to stop him but he beats him up some more.

    Oh, apparently this is all building to Regularly Occuring Shane vs Big Kev in a ‘let Shane throw himself off of something high'' match at Hell in a Cell.

    Rating – Big Kev is a real hero

  37. #357
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I love that the only person willing to defend the owner of the company is Adam Pearce.

    I had to look up who Gable & Shelton faced. I've watched way too much early TNA to accept that moniker for Ryder & Mojo, but I know it just looked funny because juxtaposition.

  38. #358
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Raw FINALLY starts with old people talking again. Praise Heenan. Krusty Ankles is excited about No Mercy. The Miz comes out without The Delightful Quim, making us all a little sadder in our pants.

    Jason Jordan-Angle wants to fight everyone so his daddy gives him a chance against the J.O.B. Squad.

    Darling Alexa vs Nia Jax

    *Insert Name of Challenger* has pinned *Insert Name of Champion*! ‘If that happens on Sunday we’ll have a new Champion!’ Michael Cole squeaks from ringside as Corey Graves tattoos a bat onto his butt.

    Afterwards everyone fights except for Emma. Bayley returns to help her ‘comrade’ Sasha and get entered into the match at No Mercy later in the night, probably.

    The Club vs The Bar vs The Fist

    *Insert Name of Challenger* has pinned *Insert Name of Champion*! ‘If that happens on Sunday we’ll have a new Champion!’ Michael Cole howls from ringside as Corey Graves pierces his ball sack.

    Turns out Goldust lost his paint last week when it was wiped off. I’m really sad that he’s never been a notable champion in WWE. I mean, he’s a 9 time Hardcore Champion for a combined 13 days, a 3 time Intercontinental Champion for a combined 161 days (which is really 2 reigns, one for the first half of 1996 and the other for 14 days in 1999) and he’s had a couple of tag reigns but nothing really long-term. He’d be great as the IC champ right now.

    Apollo Crews vs Curt Hawkins

    Sometimes I consider whether or not throwing myself off a building would at least give me clarity of thought for a split second before I impact the ground during which I realised I didn’t want to jump off the building in the first place because my life is pretty good.

    I imagine Curt Hawkins would just pray for the ground to come up and meet him.

    Brock and Braun argue via satellite, which is a bit like when you accidentally video conference with someone you don’t like at work.

    Bayley’s in the title match on Sunday because of course.

    More shooty nonsense from Roman Reigns.

    Bray Wyatt vs Dustin Rhodes

    I don’t know, Bray wins and then giggles a bit while Borin’ Finn Balor talks.

    Thank you, Braun

    Neville vs Granny Metalik

    Howay man, how comes ye’ve gots a mask on then? Ye’re looking for a fight gan doon the Toon like that, ye wee gadgie. Ah’ve got nee time for ye, Spuggy an I are having hot dogs for tea and Ah’ve gots to do me onions for ‘em. Giz a ye mask an Ah’ll nee beat ye too much, an we can both be hyem for tea.

    Neville wrecks him.

    The Nepotism Battle Royal

    Jason Jordangle wins handily.

    The Miz beats him senseless afterwards.

    Rating – Raw

  39. #359
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I don't hate Enzo like some do but that's still a beautiful gif. If I did watch WWE again, Braun would be one of the main reasons. He seems delightful.

  40. #360
    Senior Member kingzak13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Braun is love, Braun is life.

    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver View Post
    Sometimes I consider whether or not throwing myself off a building would at least give me clarity of thought for a split second before I impact the ground during which I realised I didn’t want to jump off the building in the first place because my life is pretty good.
    I get the feeling Enzo felt the exact same way when he turned and saw Braun charging towards him.

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