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Thread: Bearly Reviewing: 2017

  1. #441
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Shut up, were really fucking busy and important.

    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Clash of Champions

    Tony Schiavone, Jim Ross, and Bob Caudle welcome us to Greensboro, which isn’t spelt with a ‘borough’ on the end and is actually the Norfolk of the United States. Famous people from Greensboro include:

    - Jan Van Dyke: Dick’s wife
    - Wes Ferrell: Will’s dad
    - Lamont Burns: Mr’s son

    Mike Rotundo vs Jimmy Garvin

    This is under Olympic Rules. Somehow, that means that The Taskmaster can appear to cause a distractions by chasing a lady around the ring. Mike wins, and then he went home and made Bo.

    The Midnight Express vs The Fantastics

    This is proper tag team wrestling. Cornette is at ringside just lobbing chairs around for fun. Eaton and Lane beat up The Fantastics for a bit because they have a shit name.

    The Fantastics win, but then don’t, because they were a little bit naughty.

    Dusty Rhodes & the Road Warriors vs. Ivan Koloff & the Powers of Pain

    This is a barbed wire street fight, which sounds particularly awkward and like it might cause a number of punctures to vehicles. Dusty & Co. win, despite most of them being dead.

    Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard vs Barry Windham & Lex Luger

    Lex was a Horseman, then got tired of being Ric Flair’s patsy so now he’s not a Horseman. You’d think Windham might have something to say about that. They all punch each other a bit and do some more proper tag team wrestling, then Lex and Baz win the titles.

    Baz is going to turn on Lex though, Bearly can exclusively reveal.

    Ric Flair vs Sting

    They announce a 45 minute time limit, which seems to be the kind of thing they’d do when a stipulation is going to play into the end of the match.

    This is before Muta punched how to wrestle into Sting, so it’s OK.

    They wrestle to a 45 minute time limit draw, so the stipulation plays into the end of the match.

    That’s nice, isn’t it?

    Rating – Quite good for a Smackdown pay per view

    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw starts with old men talking. Kurty Angels is in quite a predicament because both American Hero Braun Strowman and Kane want to lose to Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble. Brock turns up and is like ‘I’ll take ‘em both, I’m hardcore’ then hits them both.

    When Brock walks away Kane does a sit up, which is quite impressive for a man of his age.

    For some reason Jason Jordan interrupts Sloppy Joe and ends up fighting Seth Rollins? I don’t know, but it seems like Sloppy Joe now has Charlotte’s mystical match making powers so that happens.

    Jason Jordan vs Seth Rollins

    It turns out that Jason Jordan is quite good at wrestling, and just terrible at all the bits around wrestling.

    Rollins wins and then Sloppy Joe attacks him. I’m sure this doesn’t result in us seeing either of them again later.

    Turns out that we will see them again later on because Seth got quite grumpy and complained to Kurty, and he was just like ‘tag team match playa, holla holla!’ at him.

    Bray Wyaat is still locked in a smokey room, still saying words.

    Finn Balor vs The Miztourage

    As a teenager, one particularly rebellious morning, I decided to hop the train away from my home town in deep Somerset and spend the day in Bristol. So it was that I didn’t take the school bus that morning – fortunately for me a mufty day so I didn’t look out of place wearing a school uniform – but instead walked to the bus stop to take me to the nearest train station. I sat on the train to London from Bristol full of cheer and rather proud of myself for deceiving my family, and found myself talking to a similarly aged teen just across the aisle from me. He called him self Alistair and said that he was just travelling back from a rugby tournament he’d been participating in with his school team in Exeter that weekend. It had, it seemed, been a rather successful venture for him and his teammates, I deduced, as the attractive smell of illicit booze snuck through his perfect teeth. I had to admit it – I was actually quite enamoured with my new friend, who had the sandy blond hair of a surfer and yet a build more akin to a fly half, lithe and yet muscular. So it was that Alistair and I passed the time on our train journey, playing many games of snap across the aisle as the trolley lady rolled her wares up and down the carriage while we swept through the South West. At one point, I found myself needing a personal break, probably brought on my the excessive amounts of tea I had bought and consumed by way of an apology to the young lady with the trolley, and so excused myself after losing a match on a pair of Queens to go and relieve myself. As I made my way down the carriage, wobbling slightly due to the ebb and flow of the carriage, I realised that behind me Alistair was also making his way up the carriage. I approached the toilet and, no sooner had I pressed the button and the door started to slide open, Alistair appeared behind me and bundled me inside, locking the door behind us as you can on a Cross Country train. He turned me to him and kissed me, forcibly, on the mouth, and I tasted the booze I had previously caught on his breath, mingled with a taste I would later come to know was Golden Virginia and also a hint of methylated spirits bursting as he lapped my tongue onto his tonsils. The kiss was so deep that I had to break to take a breath, but Alistair had no intention of allowing me too much of such respite, and span me round while hauling my jeans down to my ankles in one movement. Well I froze, didn’t I? And before I knew it he pushed my hands, fingers interlocked with his, into gripping the bars that one might use for stability on either side of the sink, pushing his semi-erect penis against my boxers. As he worked himself up to a full erection, rubbing against my anus, he skilfully used a foot to lower my boxers and expose my bare backside to him. He muttered something, which just reached through the momentary deafness I felt due to the shock of the moment, about how pert and perfect my bottom was, and then slipped himself into me after lubricating himself with some of the hand soap in the toilet. So it was that I stood, prone and slightly bent over the sink, as Alistair worked himself into a quite literal lather in my anal cavity. As I stood there, unable to move for fear of repercussions, I stared out of the window of the train and saw, to my surprise, a snubby snout creeping into view. As I watched, the snout slowly but surely pushed on past the window and I came eye to eye with a big, round brown eye that, I could have sworn, winked at me, and then the body of the beast started to reveal itself and I realised that, given the shape and anatomy of the animal, I could only describe what I was seeing as a dragon. It continued to fly beyond the window and revealed that riding on its back was a tall figure, cloaked head to toe in black with a hood falling over his eyes. I realised that here I was, looking straight in the eye of Death Himself. He turned his cloaked face towards me and I strained to hear him through the silence echoing around the toilet, punctuated only by the grunts of Alistair behind me, and I just heard the man screaming over the sound of rails and thrusting five words to me – ‘Rugby players. Motherfucking gay boys!’ And then he pulled the dragon away from beside the train and off into the sky. Alistair finished in a blaze of curses, his semen running out of my anus and down my leg, and left me to clean up. When I returned to my chair he’d completely vanished. Took my cards too, the bastard.

    That’s all to say that this Borin’ Snorin’ Tourin’ Floorin’ Implorin’ Apple Corin’ Deplorin’ Motorin’ Ignorin’ Soarin’ Roarin’ Scorin’ Gorin’ Finn Balor match is less interesting than that story.

    Hideo Itami turns up and makes this a tag team match that he and Finn win. I’m not doing another story, you only get one of those a week.

    Enzo appears and talks about Star Wars, because he’s got his finger on the cultural pulse.

    Cedric Alexander vs Drew Gulak

    The commentary team is fucking awful.

    This wasn’t as good as the match they had on 205 Live. Cedric wins, because you can count on WWE to always book the person who wasn’t originally in the match to win a match.

    Enzo flirts with Nia, which is at least a step up on that time he fucked a trombone.

    Asuka vs Alicia Fox


    Sloppy Joe’s Bar vs Not Quite The Shield

    They all wrestle a bit. Dean Ambrose hurts his arm, the poor boy.

    Seth Rollins gets distracted caring about his friend, and that makes him lose.

    Matt Hardy plays chess with a fish.

    Everybody’s least favourite Raw character Stephanie McMahon gets out of a car and walks. Drama! Intrigue! Raw!

    The Revival vs Rhyno and Heath Slater

    I know this is just their return match and stuff, but can we accelerate all of this to get to the point where we have 20 minute Revival vs Bar matches, please?

    After losing, Rhyno tells Heath Slater to toughen up. If I know my recent wrestling history, this means that next week Rhyno will be dressed as a zombie pope and hang Slater from the ceiling while beating him up.

    Elias sings a song, but Drunk Aunt thinks it’s karaoke and totters out, her new pool boy Julio in tow – literally, he wears a collar and a lead – to sing ‘Hardcore Country’.

    Absolution vs Sasha, Bayley and Drunk Aunt

    Everybody fights too much so the referee stops it.

    All of the women’s division ends up fighting.

    Stephanie Mc-fucking-Mahon comes out, which makes everyone stop fighting because she’s like the Queen or something. She announces a match and then forces the crowd to chant ‘yes!’ at her, despite that being the chant of someone she hated a couple of years ago.

    Spoiler: Stephanie McMahon will win the women’s Royal Rumble match. Or James Ellsworth. One or the other.

    Rating – As with the rest of the year, the wrestling was good but the storylines fucking suck

  2. #442
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I was all in on your Clash review, though Muta was no more successful than Flair in teaching Sting to not suck in the ring. Vader came closest, god bless him.

    The Kane sit up line was gold.

  3. #443
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    There's only two good Sting matches I can immediately think of which don't have one of Flair, Muta, or Vader in. One's the Cactus match at Beach Blast 92, and the other's Sting/Luger vs Steiners at Superbrawl.

    Maybe Sting just needs to get the shit beaten out of him to wrestle well?

  4. #444
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    I would throw in Regal at GAB '96 but the same rule still applies. Sting absolutely had to have good matches beaten out of him.

  5. #445
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014

    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    Welcome back my fellow Columns Forum lepers.

    Smackdown starts with old men talking. Far Too Often Present Shane apologises for the way he acted. Desperate Dan apologises for the way he acted. That’s it. It’s half an hour for two men to say sorry to each other.

    Shad Babel vs The Usos

    It’s non-title, so you know the champions are losing.

    The champions lose. Shock.

    Charlotte FLAIR says some things. Naomi says some more things. Thee Riott Squadd object to those things. They all agree to fight.

    Rubyy Riott & Sarahh Logann vs Charlotte FLAIR && Naomi

    Charlotte FLAIR,
    Likes her steaks rare,
    And Naomi Uce,
    Likes hers with juice.
    But Rubyy Riott,
    On a vegan diet,
    Likes hers stood up,
    Says ‘cow, don’t die it’

    Narlotte win. Thee Riott Squadd don’t even get to beat them up afterwards or stand tall, which makes me wonder why they bother.

    Every day is Rusev Day! He squashes a pancake. This makes The New Day angry.

    Dolph Ziggler reminds us of all the things he’s done. Then he drops his belt and walks off.

    Everyone’s favourite anti-hero tag team Owens & Zayn want to give Desperate Dan a present. He rejects it and puts them in a match.

    The New Day vs Rusev & Aiden English

    Rusev is so over he could jump a garden fence.

    They’re all dressed up as Christmas characters, like a snowman, a gingerbread man, and Kermit the Frog. The New Day win via pancakes to the face.

    Jinder Mahal, Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn vs AJ Styles & KingSnake

    If you’ve watched Tribute to the Troops this is exactly the same as the match these six had then. If not, it’s good for a bit and then it finishes.

    Rating – As phoned in as a lass touching herself on one of those sex lines.

  6. #446
    The Brain
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Cracked up at Sarahh Logann. Well played.

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