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Thread: Bearly Reviewing: 2017

  1. #361
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    Bearly Reviewing Something aka. What's the Point?


    So I’m back from my holiday and sat down to watch Smackdown. I’m not quite sure how Oli has made it so entertaining.

    Here’s a brief snapshot of what happened on todays Smackdown
    - Shane will be HiaC because he’s a spot monkey
    - Big Kev isn’t actually sorry he beat up a really old man on steroids
    - Charlotte is getting a push just incase her Dad dies
    - Fred is around
    - Jinder isn’t doing much different
    - Ziggler is still confusing people but oddly, is the most entertaining thing on the show
    - Backstage Daniel still has lots of women pecking his head

    Given they have the greatest midcard talent in recent history… This show sucks balls.



    So, I decided you shouldn’t watch it, and I wrote an old school LOP version of Ed Sheeran’s, ‘Castle on the hill’ because even though it’s not great, it’s way better than Smackdown.



    When I was twenty five years old I found this place
    Reading words from Davey, Maz and monk
    And tasted the sweet perfume of LOP, as I scrolled down
    I was younger then, take me back to when I


    Found Lords of Pain and broke through here
    Made friends and lost them through the years
    And I've not seen the roaring forums in so long, I know I've grown
    But I can't wait to come home


    We’ll never leave
    Striving to win a, column of the month
    Singing to "Broken Dreams"
    And I miss the way, we spoke, on AIM, and it's real
    We watched SummerSlam, and talked over here, at LOP


    Thirty years old and watching wrestling on my own
    Writing at 4am, in my bedroom and getting drunk with Shane
    Wrote my first on a Friday night, I don't reckon that I did it right
    But I was younger then, take me back to when


    We did NXT, Hus got laid
    We'd all found out that ‘Plan was straight
    Me and my friends have not collab'd in so long, oh how we've grown
    But we’ll always call this place home


    We’ll never leave
    Striving to win a, column of the month
    Singing to "Broken Dreams"
    And I miss the way we spoke, on AIM, and it's real
    We watched SummerSlam, and talked over here, at LOP
    And talked over here, at LOP
    And talked over here, at LOP


    Joe left to bone some hoes
    Maz is still just really brown
    Steve has 20 dogs but lives alone
    Missou may have overdosed
    Skitz’ already on his thirteenth wife
    ‘Nony pops in and just says ‘Hi’
    But these people welcomed me and we’ll, always call this place home


    We’ll never leave, I still remember
    All these old school names
    Like Degen, Mizfan and The Watcher
    And I miss the way we spoke on AIM, and it's real
    We watched SummerSlam, and talked over here, at LOP
    And talked over here, at LOP
    And talked over here, at LOP

  2. #362
    Power Trippin' YourAyatollah's Avatar
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    A few comments.

    Oli: Who were we to infer was being tattooed and ballsack pierced? Was Graves doing those things to himself or to Cole?

    I formally request that Jason Jordan-Angle be referred to as "Jangle" at some point.


    Bear: I don't live alone. I live with my mother and younger brother, which is even more incredibly fucking depressing and lame. And I lost two of my four dogs in the divorce, including the one I'd had for 8 years. But such is life. Good, bad, it all comes out in the wash. It could be much, much worse. And the sentiment remains true. Time has done strange things with our little CF crew.

    SmackDown does suck in many ways. Charlotte's return was good to see, though. Between the US and Women's divisions, they may be almost able to even out the overwhelming suck that is the Jinder tainted main event.

    The Power Trip: We Dream of Bayley is up now. Do the click thing.

  3. #363
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YourAyatollah View Post
    Oli: Who were we to infer was being tattooed and ballsack pierced? Was Graves doing those things to himself or to Cole?
    Himself, the weird S&M loving yinzer.

    Although now I wish I'd made it clear he was doing them to Cole.

  4. #364
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
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    Hi.

    The song was both tragic and accurate. I love you.

  5. #365
    Member SirSam's Avatar
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    That song is awesome. I remember some of those names from when I first discovered these forums back in 2009 under a now forgotten username.

    Way better than the original lyrics.

  6. #366
    Senior Member Oliver's Avatar
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    Oliver’s Bearly Reviewing No Mercy

    It’s No Mercy, the only event of the year where the title warns you about the quality of what you’re entering.

    Elias sings a song and then beats A Polo Cruise on the pre-show. Nobody cares.

    Jangle (obviously) vs The Miz

    The Delightful Quim is at home, nursing her baby. The crowd chant ‘this is awesome’ at one point when Jangle goes into a ring post. That never happened to Rocky Maivia.

    The Miz wins, of course, and without a black power faction for him to become a member of will Jangle ever succeed?

    Jangle demands a rematch. Gets booed. ‘Die Jangle Die! Die Jangle Die!’

    Finn Balor vs Bray Wyatt

    ‘Oh my God, it’s MAN verse MAN, Booker! What will happen when a MAN takes on a MAN?’ Michael Cole says through gritted teeth at ringside. He didn’t leave warzones for this.

    Finlay Borin’ Balor takes the win, because at the end of the day ‘loss’ is Bray Wyatt’s middle name. That’s a true fact, by the way.

    The Bar vs F.I.S.T.

    Enormous shock here, as Dean Ambrose removes his mask to reveal that he was Sylvester Stallone all along.

    Cesaro tries to eat a ring post. It doesn’t end well for him.

    Old man Sly comes back to win the match for his team. Sheamus’ masks slips and he’s revealed to actually be Dolph Lundgren, making this a very strange crossover.

    Darling Alexa vs All The Other Women

    Of course, Nia is bigger than the other women so she gets to dominate for a bit then they all team up to take her out.

    Darling Alexa wins, being the true American Hero that this show needs. Her and Braun should date.

    John Cena vs Roman Reigns

    We now take you over to our special guest hosts for this special attraction match, Ulrika Johnson and John Fashanu.

    Wow, thankyou Oliver, it’s a pleasure to be here. Good evening and welcome to Gladiators! Now John, here we’ve got two superstars from the WWE competing to be crowned the winner of Gladiators: Special Challenge. Do you have anything to add?

    AWOOOOOGA!

    Thanks John. And our first event tonight is…Skytrak! John and Roman, our contestants tonight, will be chased by Cobra and Hunter! Over to John Anderson.

    Aw shite Ulrika, aye was just cracking one out over Janette Crankie! Give us some warning, love. That rips ma knittin’. Contenders, ready…Gladiators, ready…three…two…one….peeeeep!

    And John is hot out of the gate on this one with Roman slightly left behind in his wake, but Hunter’s just not letting up in his pursuit! Roman rounds the bend…and goes into a spin! Easy pickings for Cobra, and his tag gets taken. John pulls out slightly ahead of Hunter, but the blonde assassin is closing on him fast and takes him just before the line! No points to either of the lads here, and a great start to the evening for the Glads.

    Well John, it looked like you had the measure of your man there, but as we all know it is only I, Ulrika Johnson, who truly has the measure of Hunter.

    That was so tough. It’s so tough up there. And Hunter, man he’s big, but he’s also got poopy breath. I couldn’t do anything.

    He’s a quick one. John, you’re with Roman right now, anything from him?

    AWOOOOOOGA

    AWWWWOOOOOO

    AWOOOOOOGA

    Thanks guys. Let’s move on to our second event of the evening…Atlaspheres! Over to John Anderson.

    Aw bloody hell Ulrika, you’ve done it again. I’ve got me stripes covered in me own spunk. I look pure dolly an clatty. Am heavy ragin’. Contenders, ready…Gladiators, ready…three…two…one….peeeeep!

    And it’s Roman pushing his ball off fastest, John getting caught in the trap there a little, but he charges right into Saracen! The big man won’t like that one bit. John skirts his way around Wolf…and gets a score! Three points for John, as Roman continues to try and avoid Saracen…he pushes his ball up but Saracen smashes him away! No points for a near miss in this game, and John keeps evading Wolf on the other side of the arena but just can’t get it up! Five second left and Roman’s free of Saracen! He’s making a big push…and scores! And there’s no time for John to come back as the klaxon goes. Three points a piece. Ulrika, back to you.

    Thanks to John Sachs for the commentary. I’m here with Roman, did you find that tough out there? You look out of breath!

    So hard Ulrika, pushing a giant metal ball thingy around and this guy…this Saracen guy…he’s everywhere! So hard to escape. I got one on him at the end there but it was luck, nothing but luck.

    Well, good luck with the rest of your night. John, are you talking with John?

    AWOOOOGA!

    Just speak, John. Use your words.

    AWOOOOOOGAAAAA!

    Forget it. Now it’s time for the Eliminator! Over to John Anderson.

    Fucks sake lassie, that’s the third time this eve. Now I’ve got a hefty radge on. You and I will have words, efters. John, Roman, you’re both equal on points so neither of youse gets an headstart, OK? You will both go on me first whistle. Peeeeep!

    And it’s John who’s off quickest, skirting over the high and low beams, Roman in close pursuit as they come to the rope climb neck and neck. Up they go…but Roman’s slipped back to the bottom! John makes it to the top as Roman starts again, and he’s off on the hand bike. Easy for John, and he jumps off just narrowly ahead of Roman, charges over the rolling bridge and leaps up the cargo net. Roman is gaining here, John’s first over the top and onto the zipline. Down he comes now and hits the crash mats. Bounces up and onto the balance beam – they’re neck and neck now, this is really exciting! But Roman’s fallen! Did John push him? Referee John Anderson says no, and Roman’s got to go back to the start as John steadies himself for the Travelator…and he slips! He slips at the very top and slides back down! Roman charges past him and gets straight up, dives onto the rope swing and through the Paper Burst! What an Eliminator! John can’t believe it, he just sits and smirks at the bottom of the ramp. Up he gets now, the lucky loser, second time lucky, and through he comes. Ulrika, you’re with the winner.

    Roman…wow. I thought you’d lost it on the balance beam there, John seemed to just touch you a bit, did that effect your balance?

    No, man, I think I just took my eye off the beam a bit and missed a step, John was close but not too close…man that was tough. Super tough.

    Well, well done Roman, you’re the winner of Gladiators: Special Challenge. And you’ve won tonight’s special prize – a luxury four wheeled drive off road vehicle, plus a thousand pounds! Well, it’s been a blast here tonight. John, any closing words.

    AWOOOOOOGA!

    Thanks John, and we’ll be back once again with another Gladiators: Special Challenge, very soon. Goodnight!

    Enzo Amore vs Neville

    Aw shite, ye’ve kicked me right in the testicles ye little bugger. Spuggy will nee be appy wiv ye, lemme tell ye. She an I we’re gonna av a right little old time of it toneet an now ye’ve gone an tore me scrote wiv ye silly jabs an ye’ve twocked me title an all.

    No, seriously, the Cruiserweight division dies as a result of a kick to the dick and Enzo, the hapless guy who has probably hit all of five offensive (in both senses of the word) moves since being promote to the main roster, becomes champion.

    Fuck this shit.

    Braun Strowman vs Brock Lesnar

    Whelp.

    Rating – Sigh
    Last edited by Oliver; Yesterday at 11:42 AM.

  7. #367
    Senior Member
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    whelp indeed...

    That Gladiators segment was the bestest - IDST

    Who coined "awooga"? Fash? or Kris Akabussi?

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