A new idea for a column, it may or may not be complete crap.
Whatís up guys, Kingzak is back in action with what may be my favorite idea ever, as far as column writing goes. As a king, I am constantly looking to expand my kingdom, currently I have a small kingdom in video games, omelets and sumo suit wrestling, however some nay-sayers out there would argue that doesnít make me a king, they argue that it only makes me a baron, at most maybe a lord. So I need a kingdom or I canít call myself the king anymore. I could fight people for their kingdoms but that is its own challenge, it would be easier to take something unowned as my kingdom.
My name is Zak and I am now you King of the RNG.
Some of you may wonder what this means, well this means I take domain over Random Number Generators. At this point some of you may be asking ďwhat the hell does any of this have to do with wrestlingĒ, my answer, shut your whiny mouth you lowly peasants, I am getting to that.
So how can I incorporate Random Number Generators into wrestling, well it is quite simply. I know a site with a lot of data on wrestling cards over many years, so I am going to use them to find a random match to watch, review and share with you guys. And when I say random I mean random, it can be any year, any company, any show and any wrestler. So enough talk letís begin
I will be using this site to generate my number, feel free to visit if you want.
Now letís get our date, I only need a day and month, the site I find the shows on will have list of what happened in what year. However to make things easier for me to find I am only going back to 1985, that is 30 years, 10,957 days (Including leap years) and when you consider this includes every show that has ever been shown on TV, Pay-Per-View or live streamed, that is plenty of wrestling entertainment to get through.
Our month is 7 which mean July.
Our Day is 28th
So what happened on the 28th of July in past years? According to my site 62 total wrestling cards have happened on the 28th of July. Time to find out what show I pick, I ended up with ROH War of the Wire II, I didnít know this was a thing, I assume this was a Ring of Honor PPV back in 2005. They had 8 matches on card, so now to find which match I watch. And we have the number 5 so we will be watching the 5th match, David Crist & Jake Crist vs. Alex Payne & Pelle Primeau, I donít know who any of those people are, but fuck it letís find this match.
God dammit, I just seen what was one match on from this one, it was Austin Aries vs. Bryan Danielson vs. Delirious vs. Homicide in a Four Corner Survival Match, which sounds likes it was really good. Fuck me, I just looked and apparently it was a dark tag team match, so that means we are back to square one, letís find us some more numbers.
Okay so this time we have October the 23rd, two days after my birthday, small world. Actually I donít think that is the correct use of that phrase, but still. We have 41 shows going all the way back to 93, quite a wide range, we end up with NOAH Autumn Navigation '10 - Day 6 Sapporo, Hokkaido, I have no idea what that means but with any luck, it being a fairly recent event will mean we get something to watch. There are seven matches on card and I got the number seven. So we end up with Atsushi Aoki & KENTA vs. Ricky Marvin & Taiji Ishimori, sounds very Japanese doesnít it. Letís see if it exists.
Nope. I am starting to hate this idea. I am almost 700 words in and we have no wrestling whatsoever. Letís give this another go. We have month 5 which is May, and we end up with the 4th, now I am worried about Star Wars nerds invading this column, fuck it, if they show up Iíll just tell them to have Scotty beam them up. Thatíll show íem.
So with the day chosen, we have 39 shows to watch, two of which are WWE PPVís which means I can easily find those, so fingers crossed. And we have the number 3, which means more NOAH, this time from last year; there had better be some video of it somewhere. Once again there are seven matches. And we have match 2 which is Super Crazy vs. Zack Sabre Jr. now to find out the all-important question, does it exist online?
Okay so on searching I did find actual wrestling match videos as results so we are heading in the right direction, but unfortunately I couldnít find this match, I found ones from the PPV and I found ones involving them on different dates, but this specific match is apparently non-existent, or I am too retarded to find it. Either way back to the drawing board.
So our new date is the 8th month, which is August, and the day is the 26th. We have two SummerSlams on the list, for god sake let me get one of them, I want to actually watch something. Ok we have an episode of Raw from 2002, there are six matches, ok we get match 3 which is Jeff Hardy vs Chris Jericho. For the love of god let me find this.
HOLY SHIT, IT ACTUALLY EXISTS. Finally I can watch and review a match for the series, thank you DailyMotion you beautiful bastard.
Here is the match for anyone wants to watch with me, click here http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xvj...e-garden_sport
And we kick off with a montage of champions, Brock Lesnar, RVD and Christian and Lance Storm, then we come to the arena with Jeffís entrance in progress, he slides in and Jericho is already in the ring, great way to start the series, jobber entrances FTW. Jeff does his typical ring pose but gets taken out by Jericho as he heads to the other corner and this one is underway. And internet explorer has stopped. Fuck my Life.
Okay back to where we were. And Jericho is in control, a suplex from Jericho and he is really being quite pissy with Jeff, I should look up what was going on for him at this time, later though. Jericho begins choking Jeff on the ropes and Lawler calls Jeff an ďAss clownĒ I donít wanna know. My god I donít know whether it is my computer or the video, or the video provider but the lag is real guys, and it is fucking me as we speak.
Jeff ducks a clothesline, runs the ropes and takes Jericho down, Jeff takes control but is soon whipped to the corner which leads to a headscissor which I think looks quite cool and my video crashed, fuck everything, my computer has been doing this shit all day, and now the webpage isnít responding, thatís great.
And we are back and Jeff immediately eats a clothesline from Jericho. Jericho back in control with a choke on the middle ropes, Jericho smacks Jeff around for a bit until he whips Jeff across the ring and goes for a dropkick, Jeff stops short and grabs the legs, I really wanted him to go for the Walls of Jericho then, but instead Jeff launches him over the ropes. I quite liked that move. Jeff goes up top and nails something, I canít tell whether it was a diving clothesline or crossbody, but both people are down on the outside so I predict an ad break now. And the videos crashed again, why does god hate me?
No ad break however, Jeff slides to the other side of the ring and runs the barricade before leaping at Jericho and I am not sure whether he hit that right or not, Jericho looked like he turned it into some sort of toss midway through. I was right as Jericho is back up in a few seconds, rolling Jeff back into the ring and now focusing on the back. Jericho takes JeffísÖ tail? I donít know, what the hell is that he has hanging from his pockets. Anyway he takes it and chokes Jeff with it before wiping himself and throwing it away.
Jericho puts Jeff in a submission that I really wish I knew the name of, and wants the ref to ask Jeff if he quits, someone calls someone a jackoff, I couldnít tell who but it made me smirk. Jeff fights out and goes for an attack but is cut off with a knee to the gut followed by a dropkick. Jericho covers but only gets a two, first attempt at a pinfall this series, hooray for milestones.
And the video crashed again. I am getting the feeling it is either DailyMotion is a turd, or my graphics card is. Either way I soldier on, Jericho with another few elbow drops and another 2 count. Jericho leans Hardy on the ropes shouts ďIíM KING OF THE WORLD DAMMITĒ and then goes to attack hardy but he moves and Jericho bounces of the ropes like (Insert something bouncy here).
And then the video player crashes, ok fuck this, I am going to bed, hopefully my computer will be more cooperative in the morning. Until then letís put an advert here or something, as to what I am advertising, who knows, but I will be back in the morning and hopefully we can finish the match.
Ok Iím back, I am well rested I had some cereal, letís do this shit. Actually thus far it hasnít been that bad, the match isnít anything to write home about but it is a pretty decent midcard match. So letís pick up where we left off, somewhere at the 5 and a half minute mark.
Jeff tries to take control but misses a dropkick which leads to him taking a senton, I do believe, and then another two count before a quick advert break. We come back quickly and Jericho is just smacking hardy round the ring and doing a little dance in-between, I think that is some sort of reference to Ric Flair who apparently beat him recently.
Jeff tries to comeback but gets a maneuver for his troubles, another two count from Jericho. I am just going to say that Jeff looks weird without facepaint on at this point. Jericho with a submission trying to get Jeff to give up. Jeff fights out and whips Jericho to a corner, Jericho springboards off right into a dropkick, which looked quite cool.
Both men are down as we get some replays off that move. Both men are back up at 6 and Jeff takes control, he gets whipped to the corner and Whisper in the Wind from Jeff, I love that move, not sure why but something about it makes me like it. Jeff is in control, he nails a jawbreaker before hitting the signature legdrop to the crotch.
Jeff covers but only gets a two count, Jeff goes for a sunset flip but Jericho rolls through and begins turning it into the walls, I accidentally turn the video full screen and Jeff pushes Jericho off and turns it into a rollup. Only a two though. Jericho gets to the corner and Jeff goes on the attack but gets a boot to the face for his troubles, followed by Jerichoís signature one handed bulldog. I think it is signature anyway; he does it a lot so it should be signature.
Jericho goes for the lionsault but Jeff gets his knees up, Jeff with a unique pin in which he legdrops Chrisí legs while they are flipped over his head, but it only gets a two and a half. What a maneuver from Hardy, according to JR it is a reverse mule kick, and I see no reason not to believe him on that. Jeff goes up top, I think he is looking to swanton, he hits it but it looks like Jericho may have been a bit close to the corner, a lot of Jeff seemed to hit the canvas instead of Jericho.
Jeff with the cover and he gets to 2.9 before Jericho gets the ropes, Jeff goes for a huricanrana but Chris turns it into the walls, Internet explorer stops working, well at least we got a good 5 minutes of uninterrupted action. Jericho has the walls locked in but Jeff grabs the ropes, Jericho wonít let go and gets disqualified which is immediately followed by Jeff tapping out.
Jericho still wonít release the hold and referees swarm the ring, Jericho still wonít release the hold and Sargent Slaughter is the one to eventually force him off, what the hell is he doing in 2002. Jericho eventually leaves the ring and passes right by a ďFozzy played my promĒ sign, nice. Jericho leaves the ring and we cut to a backstage segment with Brock Lesnar, looking as big and terrifying as ever. So I think that is a good place to leave it.
End of match thoughts: this was a decent match, I think the DQ ending didnít make anyone look weak as it tends to do, Jericho gets his heat back after a loss to Ric Flair and Jeff looks tough for whatever he may be doing at that point. The match in all wasnít too bad, if it had to rate it I would give it a 2.5 stars, the video for it gets a 1.5 for the poor start but that is irrelevant, I actually watched a match, and that is what matters.
Ok onto another match, I think we have enough space for another match as long as I donít have to go through a ton of non-existent videos first. I am glad this is the columning equivalent of a pilot episode right now, I am sure this will get better the more we watch, and the more I write this, I should move onto the next match before this gets to rambly.
So letís get a day, firstly we have a month of 1 which is January, the cruel irony is going to be me wanting to keep this short but ending up with a Royal Rumble. We got the day of 13, so the 13 of January. TNA Genesis happened on this day in 2013 so that would be easiest to find. We end up with show 15, which is NOAH The First Navigation '07 - Day 5 Kokura-kita, Kokura, so I probably wonít be finding this, but the RNG has given me a task, and that is to find match 5, Takashi Sugiura & Takuma Sano & Yoshihiro Takayama vs. Go Shiozaki & Tamon Honda & Tsuyoshi Kikuchi.
Okay I have got to stop letting NOAH matches in, that is three searches for them with no actual matches found. Does anyone here watch NOAH, and if so, how the fuck do you do it? Anyway letís find a new match. We start with the month of 7, which is July, and the day of 16, so 16th of July, I was about to ask whether that is Battleground but I checked and it isnít a Sunday this year. Anyway letís move on, there are a lot of match cards from that day, however with live shows and NOAH removed we end with 30, and the winning number is 30, which is WWF Wrestling Challenge Taping #47, and I looked and all the matches on card are less than 5 minutes, if I can find it then I am set. I need to find match number 2, which is Jake Roberts vs. Rick Renslow. And searching for this is teaching me how the WWE Network may be a valid investment now.
Ok last try, we have month 8 which once again is August. We have the 22nd, so 22nd August, and viable card equal 18, so not many, but I have high hopes based on the fact it is largely WWE and PPV stuff. We have our card, it is card 6, which is an NXT taping, taping 65 for those wondering, no idea if that means it has a showing or not, it only has three matches and the RNG gives us the main event, match 3. And there is a video for it, but it can only be viewed in America, fucking racists.
So with that I reach the end, I have no idea what to do with this column, it is barely a column, but it is a concept in progress, so it is up to you guys, would you like to see me try this again, or is it a dumb idea, if you want me to keep it then what should I change, other than finally get around to getting a WWE Network subscription because I can only assume that will mean I at least have access to all WWE, WCW and ECW stuff.
So let me know what you think, I am off to go drown my miseries in vodka, I hope you enjoyed this column or if nothing else, enjoyed my misery (If youíre a bit of a sadist), and if you have any thoughts on ways to improve this feel free to let me know. But enough from me, I hope you guys enjoyed this column and I hope to see you next time.